The last thing my grandfather told me was “Quarts! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

What's grey and comes in quarts?

An Elephant

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A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night.

The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn.

The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole.

Go...

Before I got married I was in a store paying for groceries.

I had a quart of milk, a half dozen eggs and a TV dinner. The cashier looks at me with a smile and says “You MUST be single!”
I said “Why do you say that?”
And she said “Because your so fu$king ugly!”

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A little kid was on a park bench eating a 1 quart container of ice cream...

It had fudge, caramel syrup, sprinkles, and just about everything you could think of.

A man walks up to him and said, "That is so unhealthy! You'll become overweight, possibly get diabetes and so many more bad things."

The kid said, "My grandfather lived to be 102!"

The man rep...

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A young tourist was attempting to sneak a quart of tequila...

...back from Mexico when the border guard stopped him and asked what was in the bottle.

"Holy water from the shrine of the Virgin Mary" replied the man.

The border guard opened the bottle, took a sip exclaimed , "This is tequila"

"My heavens!" Gasped the man. "Another miracle!"

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

The blonde was heading out to the grocery store...

...when her roommate said, "Hey, buy a quart of orange juice. And if they have eggs, get a dozen."

Half an hour later the blonde came in the door carrying four cartons of juice. "There's eight more in the car," she said.

"Why in the world did you buy 12 quarts??" asked her roommate.<...

Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles?

The Supreme Quart

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.

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At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles.
Quart of milk.
Half a dozen eggs.
A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"

I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, w...

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A young priest is hearing confession one Saturday

And in walks a man who sits down across the screen, saying “father forgive me for i have sinned. I’ve been making illegal whiskey.” The priest, being new to the profession and the parish, thinks for a minute before saying “I’ll have to speak to the Monsignor for your penance.” The priest goes to his...

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A man walks into a bar...

And notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with £10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, y...

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble

In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

So I won a grand prize at a local trivia game.

They went up to me and said, “Congrats! You’ve won
a 1 British dollar Sandwich that compresses 1/4 gallons worth of 25c coins!”

And I said, “So a 1 pound quart quarter pounder quarter pounder?”

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are complet...

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A guy walks into Baskin Robbins

Walks up to the counter and asks the employee

"What all flavors do you guys have?"

The employee names off all 31 flavors and the guy says

"I'll take a pint of chocolate"

The employee says "I'm sorry sir but we don't have any chocolate"

The guy says "Hmm, well w...

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

A measuring cup got sent to prison

He was found guilty in the quart of law for litering

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Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

What do you call two pints of strict rules?

A quart of law

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I was behind this lady at checkout in the grocery store the other day

I was watching the items they were ringing up;

1 quart of milk
3 single serving microwave dinners
10 LB bag of cat food

She looked back at me and smiled. So I took the opportunity and said, "Hello! I bet you're single, aren't you?"

She says, " How could you know that? Jus...

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A man walks into a bar...

.... And orders a drink. As the bartender is getting it for him, he notices a jar of ten dollar bills on the counter.

"What are those for?" He asks.

"We have a competition running." Replies the bartender. "You put ten dollars in the jar and I give you three tasks. If you complete the t...

Two aircraft mechanics get off work

Two aircraft mechanics get off work at la Guardia, and one says, "Let's go have a beer". The other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don't have a hangover in the morning."
So they drink about a quart of it each. It tastes great and they have a good ...

Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.

Edit: Bit of a story to this. My friend is having trouble eating so I asked if I could get him anything. He mentioned that he really wants some Peach Ice Cream, but he knows it's out of season. So I went to one of those...

A man walks into a bar

and goes up to the bar and asks the barman "Tell me, what is a quart? Is it 4 pints or 2?"

The barman says "It's 2 pints."

The man says "Are you sure? I thought *quart* had something to do with the number 4"

The barman explains "It's a **quart**er of a gallon, there are 8 ...

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Chocolate ice cream

A lady walks into an ice cream shop and looks around. Walks up to the counter and asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I just ran out of chocolate but I have vanilla and strawberry."

"Oh, ok. let's see.... let me get a half gallon of chocolate."

"Lady,...

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An old farmer is sitting on his porch...

when a young man pulls up in a car and says, "Excuse me, sir. I notice you have milkweed growing in your field, may I get some milk?" The old fellow chuckles to himself and says "You can't get milk from milkweed young man." The young man says, "I think I can sir, if you'll let me try." The farmer...

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Three old guys are hanging out in the nursing home

They're old friends, and every day they sit together and shoot the breeze.

One day, Bob, the 70 year old, says "You know, I don't mind getting old. I can still play golf, flirt with the ladies - life's good! But you know what I miss? I miss peeing. Lord, I haven't had a good piss in years - I...

There are three men on a desert island:

Genius, Smart, and Idiot.
Genius has concluded that at least one man must swim to shore and get help.
Genius volunteered himself, as he is the most likely to get remember to get help.
Genius, not being very athletic, swam halfway to safety and then drowned.
Days later, Smart finally rea...

Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie...

Q: What comes in quarts?

.

.


A: Elephants

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A pastor uses the church's restroom before morning service begins.

As he's finishing up in the stall, he hears fast breathing and grunting in the stall next to him, and realizes that whoever's in there is masturbating. He exits his stall and washes his hands, then he hears the toilet flush and the culprit steps out of his stall. It's Jim, an 11 year old boy.
...

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

A woman walks into an ice cream shop.

She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."

The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."

She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll ...

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How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend?

About a quart to pound her with cheese.

The cow, the ant, and the douchebag

A cow, an ant and a douchebag are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, “I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”

The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am th...

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

A man walks into an ice cream shop. "I will have a gallon of chocolate ice cream."

"Sorry, we are all out of chocolate," says the clerk.

"In that case I will have a quart of chocolate ice cream."

"Listen, we don't have any chocolate."

"Well, in that case I will have a...

Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon?

They only come in quarts(z)

The three holes

So a straggler is making his way across the land when he comes across a farm. Needing a place to sleep, he begs the farmer to let him stay the night. The farmer agrees, and tells him to bunk up in the barn out back.

In the barn, the straggler meets another man who is staying in the barn. He ...

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