Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mamma

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

What’s heavier. A liter of water or a liter of butane?

Water. Butane is lighterfluid

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[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline

Jerry can

Literally on her knees...

A: I heard you were in an argument with your wife last night.
B: Yeah, we did. It's pretty rough actually.
A: How did it turn out?
B: Eventually I made her on her knees.
A: You did? And she said?
B: She told me, 'get out from under that bed, I know you're in there!'

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

Husband lost his wife

Husband: I lost my wife, she was shopping and has not come back yet.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: I'm not sure a suit maybe or dress i don't know.

Inspector: What her weight?

Husband: I don;t know i have never checked.

Inspector: Slim/ tall/ healthy....

Which is heavier: a liter of water or a liter of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me

I told her that’s terrible for the carpet

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

I literally only know two phone numbers

911 and J.G. Wentworth’s.

British people like to make fun of Americans for not using the metric system.

But I’ve never heard of a single British person walking into a pub and ordering a half liter…

My friend is very literal

He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

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What's the only thing separating the poor from literal shit?

The r

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.

Fortunately it was a soft drink.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.The dentist ...

An Irishman just drank 100 liters of beer in 30 minutes.

They called it a Guinness World Record.

What's gray and comes in liters?

An elephant.

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

Books about earthquakes are extremely popular.

They're literally flying off the shelves.

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

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Have you ever read a story that is 100% true but sounds like a joke?

You're about to.

This happened when i was 19, in 2008.

I'm italian, and at the time i was dating this girl that was one year older than me. She was studying oriental languages and cultures at the uni and was also learning chinese (mostly cantonese).

One day we went on a date to ...

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

Why can't you tell a joke to a kleptomaniac?

They take things, literally

It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea.

A supreme liter

Guys, golf is literally so easy....

I’ve played one hole and I’ve got 47 points

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There are 2 friends and went to their 3rd mutual friend to pay him a visit at his place. He offered them what they want to drink and all of them start drinking some white wine with some antipasto. After a while the host and his wife realized that the 2 friends drank more than 5 liters of the wine,

and thought if they keep going like that they are going to drink all their wine, so they decided to give them white vinaigrette instead. They gave them a bottle, both friends are trying the 'new wine' and the one says nothing, the other one spit the vinaigrette and says to the other: bro don't you s...

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

Liquor

A buyer enters a liquor store.
- Half of "Sungurlarska"!
The seller pours half a liter of brandy from a can, takes out the label "Sungurlarska", sticks it on the bottle and hands it to the customer.
- Half of "Pomorie"!
The seller pours again from the can, takes out the label "Pomori...

A man's wife died after 20 years of marriage

His best friend comes check on him 2 days after the funeral:
- I brought you some lasagnas as I am sure you did not cook this week. I hope you can at least get some sleep... Do you sleep well?
- yeah, I sleep like a baby.
His friend is astounded:
- really?
- yes literally, I sleep one...

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Interviewer: Your resume says that you are extremely literal.

Me: Holy shit. My resume is talking now?

Did you hear about the guy who tried to run a race with empty two-liters as shoes?

Yeah... He was soda feeted.

No one: Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

People who keep and look after chickens...

...are literally chicken tenders.

My wife and I just had a row and it ended with her literally on her hands and knees

saying "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

I once rode my car right into a group of people after shouting “I’m literally about to drive right into you guys!”

I guess they caught my drift.

I wish we cold stop idiots from being literate.

Then jokes like this would never happen.

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How does a hoarder acquire so much trash

He takes it liter-ally

What’s the metric system’s favorite game?

Follow the liter

Yo momma is so literal...

...You still have the scar from when she threw you under the bus.

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

Last week we had an earthquake, a hurricane, and a LITERAL serpentine fire so, on this auspicious day, I'd just like to say:

OK, Earth Wind & Fire...

WE REMEMBER THE 21ST NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER!!!

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I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

Self checkout.

Dear Walmart, I'm sorry I "forgot" to scan so many items the last time I went shopping. In my defense... You literally gave me zero training before promoting me to checker!

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

What's the difference between a literalist and a thief?

A literalist takes things literally and a thief takes things, literally.

I don't get why people say rubik's cubes are so hard. There's literally only one combination

Yes, I'm colorblind. Why are y'all asking?

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

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Kick me out after this one

So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it’s same shit different day?

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

Why can't you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

People really shouldn't take things literally.

That's stealing

Why are white girls so odd?

Because they literally can’t even

I have a hard time talking to kleptomaniacs.

They’re always taking things literally.

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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Hitler took his art professor's advice literally.

He told him "You suck, go paint maps."

I can't believe my literature teacher is forcing me to read and analyze one of George Orwell's books.

It's literally 1984.

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?

Because they literally can't even

I hate to brag but my cemetery is the most popular one in my entire county.

People are literally dying to get into it.

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Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

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