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Liter Jokes

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

A literalist takes things literally

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

Which is heavier: a liter of water or a liter of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”

I nearly died

What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world?

Exaggeration.

What’s heavier. A liter of water or a liter of butane?

Water. Butane is lighterfluid

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

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An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

My atheist boyfriend treats me like a literal goddess.

He acts like I don't exist.

Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

Never literally taking cooking instructions…

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .

Literal Omnipotence

As the holidays approach, many donation boxes spring up in the streets of New York, like mushrooms after rain, hoping for the holiday spirit to infect patrons with some extra generosity.

A tired commuter walks past some religious donation box, with the attendant soliciting, "Share in the hol...

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What do you call a guy that masturbates to literally everything?

Jack of all trades

My computer becoming literally an ecosystem

Mouse,virus,bugs, python are living here.

If the war on drugs was a literal war...

How many of you would shoot heroin?

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"Grammar Nazis are literally the worst."

"No, actual Nazis are literally the worst."

I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.

Fortunately it was a soft drink.

Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one

Violins begets violence

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”

Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling e...

Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline

Jerry can

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

Literal Penguins

A man was driving down the road with three penguins in the back seat of his car. He's pulled over by police officer.

"Can I see your license and regi...what are you doing with three penguins in your car? You can't have these penguins! Go take them to the zoo right now, get out of here..."...

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be *literally* a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?

Literally on her knees...

A: I heard you were in an argument with your wife last night.
B: Yeah, we did. It's pretty rough actually.
A: How did it turn out?
B: Eventually I made her on her knees.
A: You did? And she said?
B: She told me, 'get out from under that bed, I know you're in there!'

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It takes me literally forever to do a #2.

Because I’m so full of shit.

My friend is very literal

He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!

A Farmer and the Interviewer

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 liters per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 liters per day.



Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
...

German taking things literally.

They call birth control pills, antibabypillen.

Guys, golf is literally so easy....

I’ve played one hole and I’ve got 47 points

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

Yo momma is so literal...

...You still have the scar from when she threw you under the bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the only thing separating the poor from literal shit?

The r

Looking forward to Iran vs USA in the World Cup. A bunch of semi-literate religious fundamentalists stuck in the 19th century.

But I think Iran can probably beat them

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

People really shouldn't take things literally.

That's stealing

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

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Interviewer: Your resume says that you are extremely literal.

Me: Holy shit. My resume is talking now?

I wish we cold stop idiots from being literate.

Then jokes like this would never happen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

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Dirty Joke literally

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.

Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.

Friend: Ok I can see it...

Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.

Friend: Uh-huh. I'm likin' this.

Me: Ok. So ...

What if you're held at gunpoint(bear with me) by a literate animal

and you're only hope of rescue(BEAR WITH ME) is posting a coded message on Reddit!

What's gray and comes in liters?

An elephant.

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

**Every** Scooby-Doo **episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

My wife complains that I'm too literal

So we went to see a marriage counselor and she asked, "so what brings you here today?"


I said, "my truck"

Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me

I told her that’s terrible for the carpet

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

As a dyslexic I've been stung for taking phrases literally

If beauty really lies with the beeholder I've yet to meet one.

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

People who mix up literally with figuratively make me crazy!

Well that’s what the talking rabbit in my bedroom tells me.

No wonder Kim Jong Un is so literate...

After all, he is the Supreme Reader of North Korea.

I cant believe they are going to arrest me for impersonating a politician

I just literally did nothing.

The stop taking things literally course

Huggo: Hi, is this the stop taking things literally course?

Teacher: Yes, please take a seat

Huggo: Ok sure! *Takes a seat and walks out of the class*

Teacher:

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

My friends say that I take things too literally

but I didnt take anything from them

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

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I recently learned that the Chinese word for "anus" is 屁眼 which literally means "the butt's eye"

It really makes sense in hind-sight

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

The world is literally ending.

Well, at least for the Caribbean tourism business.

British people like to make fun of Americans for not using the metric system.

But I’ve never heard of a single British person walking into a pub and ordering a half liter…

girls used to literally run after me, but they stoped

because I stopped stealing their bags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

In English class I learned the word for when you take someone literally.

“Kidnapping”

How did the semi-literate blonde drown?

After years of seeing the billboards and flyers, she decided it was time to do her part to help shave the whales.

I hope you don't take this joke literally

but if you do, please return it later.

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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