UPJOKE
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Bill Belichick was in my store earlier and whilst I was serving him he said “listen, I need a quarterback. Think you could do that for me son?”

I said “wow, really?! You want me to play in the NFL?”

He said “No moron, this drink costs 75c and I gave you a dollar”

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

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**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

Why are strict parents such bad quarterbacks?

They keep getting called for intentional grounding.

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

Bears joke

What's a Bears quarterback favorite thing to have for breakfast, Turnovers!

What do you call a Mexican quarterback?

El Passo.

After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback

I would have liked to have seen Montana.

The Chicago Bears new quarterback.

The Chicago Bears were desperately looking for a new quarterback. With all normal options not working out they looked outside the United States. They found a terrorist in Iran who was able to throw a grenade 100 yards and have it go through a 3rd story window every time. The Bears signed him immedi...

Yo mama jokes thread

What are some of the best "Yo mama" jokes of recent times?


I'll go first: Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Football in Heaven

Tom Brady and Gronk are both old and close to death.

Tom goes to Gronk's bedside, and says, "Rob...when you die and get to heaven, can you come back and tell me if there's football there?"

Gronk says yes, and dies later that day.

So about a week later, Tom is sleeping when he h...

You hear about the quarterback who switched teams after being sacked 8 times??

The grass was greener on the other side of defense.

Why did the poor quarterback have his receivers cross at mid-field?

He was trying to make ends meet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting in a bar

enjoying a drink a man is surprised when a stunning blonde sits down next to him and says "Hi Steve!"

"Well hello, gorgeous. How did you know my name? I'm certain I'd remember meeting you!"

"Steve, don't you recognize me? It's DAVE!"

"Dave?! Dave the quarterback from high school...

I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work...

...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.

A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood...

As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro”

as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening.

As he ar...

Tom Brady retired, but he does so as the GOAT, with 7 Super Bowls, but more importantly, he’s 5x better than Nickelback.

…he’s a quarterback

How does a quarterback discipline his kids?

Intentional Grounding

What do you get when you divide a quarterback by five?

Nickleback

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

What’s a jew’s favorite football position?

Quarterback

This guy told me he was a quarterback...

"That's nothing," I replied. "I'm 90% belly."

What do you call a person missing 75% of their spine?

A quarterback

I know a footballer who lost 75% of his spine.

He's a quarterback.

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

Why does a football coach angrily kick the vending machine?

He wants his quarterback.

What did the Mexican quarterback get arrested for?

Tres-passing

Did you hear about the leper who tried out for American college football team?

Started as a fullback, then was a halfback and ended up a quarterback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. (long)

This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young man. “I’m going to be in this hel...

What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A high school decides to put on a reunion for the class of '98. Turnout is slow at first, but eventually the well known former students start to show up. There's student body president Leslie Pindogs and her kids, star quarterback Robert Course and his wife Molly, valedictorian Sandra Kevver and her...

The Browns' New QB

The head coach of the Browns is looking for a new QB when he sees news footage of a man in Afghanistan.

This man is fighting the Taliban and in the space of a few seconds, the coach sees him burst through a wooden barricade, knock down 10 armed soldiers, run 100 yards in 10 seconds, pick up a...

Your momma's so dumb...

She thought a quarterback was a refund

Football game on Noah's Ark

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoce...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, Englishman, & Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest.

An American, and Englishman, and an Australian were discussing which of their particular brands of football were the toughest.

The American said, "We've got this quarterback Peyton Manning who's just won his second Super Bowl ring. Well, one day Manning was sacked so hard, his front split op...

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

What do aldi and the nfl draft have in common?

They're both places you can get a quarterback

Victor liked to reminisce of his high school days and asked his neighbors to call him The Victor

The Victor was also a gardener and wanted to stop buying fertilizer because it costed him too much money. He decided to start composting instead, but he lived alone so he didn’t make enough waste for his compost. Finally he decided to go door to door asking his neighbors for their spoiled food to a...

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allo...

The Perfect Family

Samantha Ritter thought her life couldn't be any better. Her husband, Dyl, was always there when she needed him and they both had excellent well-paying jobs. Their teenage son, Jeffrey, had never been anything other than polite, loving, and exceptionally bright. He was a straight A student, and also...

Coach Larry

There wasn't anywhere in Florida you could go without hearing about how great a football coach Larry was. And he was, no doubt, one of the greatest, most respected coaches of the University of Florida.

On the first day of training, he decided to take the Freshman on a run to prepare and inspi...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

What do you call a white guy who is being chased by 11 black guys?

A quarterback

What do you call a footballer with only 6 vertebrae?

Quarterback.

Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, "As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God." The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat ta...

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