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Dishwasher Jokes

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

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What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

You slap her ass and tell her to get back to work.

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I got fired from my job for putting my dick in a dishwasher.

I felt real bad about it, because she got fired too.

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

I had to go get more tablets for my Dishwasher…

She had a headache

What happened when the Chef got caught with their hand in the Dishwasher?

They both got fired

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

Marriage is really educational

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

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Wanda needs a dishwasher repairman.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't b...

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower.

Hand her a shovel!

I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

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At work today my boss told me to put a load into the dishwasher (NSFW)

He wasn't clear enough, I ended up fucking the maid.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher

You'll never need to do it by hand again

My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

My friends dishwasher stopped cleaning last night.

The divorce is going to be expensive.

What did Optimus Prime do when his dishwasher blew a transformer?

He filed for divorce.

Our company just launched our latest dishwasher on the market,

Luckily, nobody was hurt!

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher.

So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

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I was fired from work for putting my dick in the dishwasher

She was fired too

I just ordered a new dishwasher from china!

The wedding's next month.

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

My dishwasher is broken =(

The hospital bill is over 3 thousand

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While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

What do you do if you put a load in the dishwasher that's too big?

Pray she makes it to the bathroom rather than drip on the bed.

You can't spell dishwasher

without her

My dishwasher and laundry machine broke today.

We had to rush her to the hospital immediately.

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

I couldn’t figure out why the dishwasher wasn’t working yesterday, so I went up to my wife who was laying in bed sick and asked her. “Honey why isn’t the dishwasher working?”

And then suddenly it hit me.

Husband: We should get a dishwasher.

Wife: We already have one.

Husband: I meant one that doesn't talk back.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

You break up with her

Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day.

How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool.

Finished putting a load in the dishwasher when I thought to myself..

She’s on the pill right?

Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home.

Lucky me, he’s the father.

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I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today.

Her funeral will be this saturday.

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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?

Give the bitch a shovel.

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

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TIFU by putting my dildo in the dishwasher

She enjoyed the dildo, but my wife really doesn't like to be referred to as "the dishwasher"

How do you fix the dishwasher?

Smack her.

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Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow?

Give that bitch a shovel.


(I'm not really a sexist pig... But that's still one of my favorite jokes.)

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share"

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A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

The new dishwasher I bought was made with water-soluble parts.

That's the last time I buy something from a store called "Appliance Solutions".

My dishwasher broke down and stopped working

So I remarried

Great news, I've got a new dishwasher!

Well, the wedding is in 2 months.

I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing

So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago.

I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher...

Then she gets mad when I pour her a double...

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

Dishwasher at work is like my girlfriend...

It has everything it needs, but still beeps.

my dishwasher stopped working..

i heard sometimes you just have to give em a good kick, and they'll start right up again

so i tried that, then she dumped me

An American, a French and a Russian are chatting in a restaurant.

The American woman says:
- I once told my husband that I was not his housewife and that I would not do laundry for him all the time. He left the house. I don't see a him for day, for two, for three, on the forth day he came back with a washing machine.
The Frenchwoman says:
- And I once...

At my restaurant job, everyone who works in the kitchen is also a musician.

The dishwasher plays guitar OK, but the prep cook shreds on the mandoline.

I moved into a new house with two dishwashers!

My girlfriend and the other one.

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So I modified an old joke to make a new one. I hope this wasn't made before.

Wife: What happened? Why do you look so worried?

Husband: My boss fired me.

Wife: Why? Didn't you visit his house to hand him some important files?

Husband: Yeah, I went to his home, and he fired me because he caught me putting my dick in the dishwasher.

Wife: (laughingl...

My dishwasher broke...

Up with me the other day.

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The dishwasher

One day a guy is acting kinda weird after work and his wife notices it. She asks him, "Honey, what's wrong?". "Oh....nothing. Don't worry about it" he replies, but she keeps persisting to find out what's bothering him.
Finally he says, "Ok, ok....at work today, I had this sudden urge to stick my....

I love dishwashers, I have two

The right and the left one.

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.

Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?

Wife: I will always love you, my darling.

Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?

Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.

Husband: w...

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league b...

"What do I look like?"

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife.
"Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"
"What do I look like", He asks "The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer." And goes and watches TV/

The next day his wife greets him again after work.
"Honey, the dishwasher is on t...

As a young sailor we were sitting around talking about what our parents do for a living one guy exclaimed, “My Dad works for the post office but my Moms a Hydroceramic Engineer”, we all oohed and aahed…

“She’s a dishwasher”

What do you call a man who has 5 dishwashers?

A Mormon.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

For her birthday I bought my wife a variety of vibrators...

A dishwasher, a washing machine and a lawn mower.

Why does a bride wear white?

So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

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