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I got fired from my job for putting my dick in a dishwasher.

I felt real bad about it, because she got fired too.

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher.

So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

I just ordered a new dishwasher from china!

The wedding's next month.

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

Our company just launched our latest dishwasher on the market,

Luckily, nobody was hurt!

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

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Dishwasher Repair

Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. She told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.

P.S. Don't worry about my Rottweiler, Brutus.  He won't bother you.  But, whatever yo...

Whats the difference between your mom and my dishwasher?

My dishwasher doesnt follow me around for two weeks after I put a load in it.

You can't spell dishwasher

without her

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

My dishwasher is broken =(

The hospital bill is over 3 thousand

My friends dishwasher stopped cleaning last night.

The divorce is going to be expensive.

I love dishwashers, I have two

The right and the left one.

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I was fired from work for putting my dick in the dishwasher

She was fired too

What do you do if you put a load in the dishwasher that's too big?

Pray she makes it to the bathroom rather than drip on the bed.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

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At work today my boss told me to put a load into the dishwasher (NSFW)

He wasn't clear enough, I ended up fucking the maid.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher

You'll never need to do it by hand again

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While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

I couldn’t figure out why the dishwasher wasn’t working yesterday, so I went up to my wife who was laying in bed sick and asked her. “Honey why isn’t the dishwasher working?”

And then suddenly it hit me.

My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

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What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

You slap her ass and tell her to get back to work.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

What do you call a man who has 5 dishwashers?

A Mormon.

Finished putting a load in the dishwasher when I thought to myself..

She’s on the pill right?

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?

Give her a shovel.

Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home.

Lucky me, he’s the father.

What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?

– They both got fired

My dishwasher and laundry machine broke today.

We had to rush her to the hospital immediately.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

You break up with her

So I asked my roommate to put in an order for a dishwasher but I spelled it as "dishwatcher"

Now there's a man in my kitchen watching me wash dishes by hand

A woman was gathering plates in her kitchen...

Her boyfriend comes from behind and very playfully starts to kiss her on the neck.

Her : Babe, stop it, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.

Him : Yeah, me too.

Husband: We should get a dishwasher.

Wife: We already have one.

Husband: I meant one that doesn't talk back.

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day.

How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Remarry

What do you call a neighborhood inhabited by a lot of maids and dishwashers?

A scrubdivision

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I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today.

Her funeral will be this saturday.

My dishwasher broke down and stopped working

So I remarried

I moved into a new house with two dishwashers!

My girlfriend and the other one.

I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher...

Then she gets mad when I pour her a double...

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share"

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

The new dishwasher I bought was made with water-soluble parts.

That's the last time I buy something from a store called "Appliance Solutions".

How do you fix the dishwasher?

Smack her.

My dishwasher has racks on racks

I'm not talking about the machine

I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing

So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago.

Dishwasher at work is like my girlfriend...

It has everything it needs, but still beeps.

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Gordon Ramsay goes to a restaurant.

He comes across what looks like soup.

“Let me taste the soup!”

“But...”

“No buts!”

He tasted the soup.

“IT TASTES LIKE DISHWASHER WATER!”

“It is dishwasher water, but you didn’t listen.”

My dishwasher broke...

Up with me the other day.

Great news, I've got a new dishwasher!

Well, the wedding is in 2 months.

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Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow?

Give that bitch a shovel.


(I'm not really a sexist pig... But that's still one of my favorite jokes.)

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

I bought the wife some new vibrators for christmas.

A washing machine, a dishwasher and a lawnmower.

Charles visits his grandpa...

On the first morning of the visit, Charle’s grandpa prepares a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Charles notices a weird substance on his plate and asks, “Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean?”

grandpa replies, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them, just eat your breakfast.”

...

my dishwasher stopped working..

i heard sometimes you just have to give em a good kick, and they'll start right up again

so i tried that, then she dumped me

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I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!”

I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

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