Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher.

So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job for putting my dick in a dishwasher.

I felt real bad about it, because she got fired too.

I just ordered a new dishwasher from china!

The wedding's next month.

You can't spell dishwasher

without her

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I was fired from work for putting my dick in the dishwasher

She was fired too

Whats the difference between your mom and my dishwasher?

My dishwasher doesnt follow me around for two weeks after I put a load in it.

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

My friends dishwasher stopped cleaning last night.

The divorce is going to be expensive.

I love dishwashers, I have two

The right and the left one.

What do you do if you put a load in the dishwasher that's too big?

Pray she makes it to the bathroom rather than drip on the bed.

My dishwasher is broken =(

The hospital bill is over 3 thousand

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher

You'll never need to do it by hand again

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

A woman was gathering plates in her kitchen...

Her boyfriend comes from behind and very playfully starts to kiss her on the neck.

Her : Babe, stop it, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.

Him : Yeah, me too.

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

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At work today my boss told me to put a load into the dishwasher (NSFW)

He wasn't clear enough, I ended up fucking the maid.

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

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While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

What do you call a man who has 5 dishwashers?

A Mormon.

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What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

You slap her ass and tell her to get back to work.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?

Give her a shovel.

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home.

Lucky me, he’s the father.

What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?

– They both got fired

My dishwasher and laundry machine broke today.

We had to rush her to the hospital immediately.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

You break up with her

Finished putting a load in the dishwasher when I thought to myself..

She’s on the pill right?

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

Gordon Ramsay goes to a restaurant.

He comes across what looks like soup.

“Let me taste the soup!”

“But...”

“No buts!”

He tasted the soup.

“IT TASTES LIKE DISHWASHER WATER!”

“It is dishwasher water, but you didn’t listen.”

Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day.

How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool.

My dishwasher broke...

Up with me the other day.

Husband: We should get a dishwasher.

Wife: We already have one.

Husband: I meant one that doesn't talk back.

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I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today.

Her funeral will be this saturday.

I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher...

Then she gets mad when I pour her a double...

What do you call a neighborhood inhabited by a lot of maids and dishwashers?

A scrubdivision

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Remarry

The new dishwasher I bought was made with water-soluble parts.

That's the last time I buy something from a store called "Appliance Solutions".

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

My dishwasher broke down and stopped working

So I remarried

Charles visits his grandpa...

On the first morning of the visit, Charle’s grandpa prepares a breakfast of bacon and eggs. Charles notices a weird substance on his plate and asks, “Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean?”

grandpa replies, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them, just eat your breakfast.”

...

Great news, I've got a new dishwasher!

Well, the wedding is in 2 months.

I needed to clean my FleshLight, i heard they were dishwasher safe.

But that would Just ruin the load.

How do you fix the dishwasher?

Smack her.

A woman left on a work-cation, leaving her husband behind.

They were childless, but had a cat, whom they loved dearly.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was alright.

Her husband replied with a morbid tone, "The cat just died."

She burst into tears and reprimanded her husband, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't ...

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by putting my dildo in the dishwasher

She enjoyed the dildo, but my wife really doesn't like to be referred to as "the dishwasher"

I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing

So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago.

Dishwasher at work is like my girlfriend...

It has everything it needs, but still beeps.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

I bought the wife some new vibrators for christmas.

A washing machine, a dishwasher and a lawnmower.

How do you clean plate-mail?

In the dishwasher.

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

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Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow?

Give that bitch a shovel.


(I'm not really a sexist pig... But that's still one of my favorite jokes.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dishwasher

One day a guy is acting kinda weird after work and his wife notices it. She asks him, "Honey, what's wrong?". "Oh....nothing. Don't worry about it" he replies, but she keeps persisting to find out what's bothering him.
Finally he says, "Ok, ok....at work today, I had this sudden urge to stick my....

I would NEVER hit a woman....

It’s EXPENSIVE to fix a dishwasher.

I was playing a game of really deep facts with some kitchen objects.

I just finished saying my fact when I hear a knock on the door.

The dishwasher opens it, turns around and looks at me skeptically.

I say to him:"Let that sink in."

A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“Have you hit any yet” she asked

“Yeah, 3 male and 2 females”

Baffled she asked how he knew what they were

“Well 3 were in my beer and two were on the dishwasher”

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I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!”

I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

my dishwasher stopped working..

i heard sometimes you just have to give em a good kick, and they'll start right up again

so i tried that, then she dumped me

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