UPJOKE
dishwashingdetergentcutlerykitchencountertoppantrydish washerheating elementutensilcrockerydishwashertablewarerefrigeratordryer

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I got fired from my job for putting my dick in a dishwasher.

I felt real bad about it, because she got fired too.

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

I had to go get more tablets for my Dishwasher…

She had a headache

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Wanda needs a dishwasher repairman.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't b...

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A hard working man puts in overtime all week and is so tired all he wants to do for the weekend is sleep.

He comes home friday and plops down on the couch and starts to doze off. His wife comes in, nudges him and says, "Honey my car won't start, will you take a look at it ?" The husband says, "Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench ? Take my truck."

He's sound asleep Saturday morning when his wife c...

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

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What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

You slap her ass and tell her to get back to work.

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

What happened when the Chef got caught with their hand in the Dishwasher?

They both got fired

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Our company just launched our latest dishwasher on the market,

Luckily, nobody was hurt!

I finally got a smart dishwasher....

My wife finished college.

I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

For her birthday I bought my wife a variety of vibrators...

A dishwasher, a washing machine and a lawn mower.

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

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I was fired from work for putting my dick in the dishwasher

She was fired too

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher.

So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

I just ordered a new dishwasher from china!

The wedding's next month.

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At work today my boss told me to put a load into the dishwasher (NSFW)

He wasn't clear enough, I ended up fucking the maid.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher

You'll never need to do it by hand again

My friends dishwasher stopped cleaning last night.

The divorce is going to be expensive.

My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

I love dishwashers, I have two

The right and the left one.

What do you do if you put a load in the dishwasher that's too big?

Pray she makes it to the bathroom rather than drip on the bed.

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

My dishwasher is broken =(

The hospital bill is over 3 thousand

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While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

I couldn’t figure out why the dishwasher wasn’t working yesterday, so I went up to my wife who was laying in bed sick and asked her. “Honey why isn’t the dishwasher working?”

And then suddenly it hit me.

3 Texans get married

First one marries a girl from Alabama, he tells here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes and clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. On the first day nothing but a couple of days later he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.

The second one marr...

Over a year ago, I left a full load in my friends dishwasher when I stayed at his home.

Lucky me, he’s the father.

Husband: Do you love me?

Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.

Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?

Wife: I will always love you, my darling.

Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?

Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.

Husband: w...

How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower.

Hand her a shovel!

My dishwasher and laundry machine broke today.

We had to rush her to the hospital immediately.

What do you call a man who has 5 dishwashers?

A Mormon.

Finished putting a load in the dishwasher when I thought to myself..

She’s on the pill right?

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I lost my dishwasher, washingmashine, dryer, iron, stove, and vacumcleaner today.

Her funeral will be this saturday.

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So I modified an old joke to make a new one. I hope this wasn't made before.

Wife: What happened? Why do you look so worried?

Husband: My boss fired me.

Wife: Why? Didn't you visit his house to hand him some important files?

Husband: Yeah, I went to his home, and he fired me because he caught me putting my dick in the dishwasher.

Wife: (laughingl...

Its been really hot in Seattle lately, so I converted my dishwasher into an air conditioner the other day.

How? I handed my wife a hand fan to keep me cool.

So I asked my roommate to put in an order for a dishwasher but I spelled it as "dishwatcher"

Now there's a man in my kitchen watching me wash dishes by hand

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

Husband: We should get a dishwasher.

Wife: We already have one.

Husband: I meant one that doesn't talk back.

As a young sailor we were sitting around talking about what our parents do for a living one guy exclaimed, “My Dad works for the post office but my Moms a Hydroceramic Engineer”, we all oohed and aahed…

“She’s a dishwasher”

My dishwasher broke down and stopped working

So I remarried

How do you fix the dishwasher?

Smack her.

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Do you know how to convert a dishwasher into an automatic snowplow?

Give that bitch a shovel.


(I'm not really a sexist pig... But that's still one of my favorite jokes.)

I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher...

Then she gets mad when I pour her a double...

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?

When the old one expects you to "do your share"

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

What do you call a neighborhood inhabited by a lot of maids and dishwashers?

A scrubdivision

The new dishwasher I bought was made with water-soluble parts.

That's the last time I buy something from a store called "Appliance Solutions".

I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing

So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago.

I needed to clean my FleshLight, i heard they were dishwasher safe.

But that would Just ruin the load.

Great news, I've got a new dishwasher!

Well, the wedding is in 2 months.

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The dishwasher

One day a guy is acting kinda weird after work and his wife notices it. She asks him, "Honey, what's wrong?". "Oh....nothing. Don't worry about it" he replies, but she keeps persisting to find out what's bothering him.
Finally he says, "Ok, ok....at work today, I had this sudden urge to stick my....

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TIFU by putting my dildo in the dishwasher

She enjoyed the dildo, but my wife really doesn't like to be referred to as "the dishwasher"

Dishwasher at work is like my girlfriend...

It has everything it needs, but still beeps.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

My dishwasher broke...

Up with me the other day.

my dishwasher stopped working..

i heard sometimes you just have to give em a good kick, and they'll start right up again

so i tried that, then she dumped me

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

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