My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.

Skim milk has never tasted so good.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

What is the North Korean equivalent of a Gallon?

One Supreme Litre.

My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

Did you hear the one about the Indian man who drank 12 gallons of tea in one night?

He went to bed and the next morning, he was found dead in his teapee

Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me

How dairy!

I tend to be extra cautious around tall, large men with ten gallon hats

They’re pretty shady individuals.

Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn’t square?

Because the opening of the bottle is round.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a lady with a gallon of water in one hand and some chik fil a in the other

and I thought to myself:

"Now there's a thirsty girl who wants some cock"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband came home with half gallon a of ice cream

and asked his wife if she wanted some.

"How hard is it?" she asked.

"About as hard as my dick," he replied.

"Pour me some."

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream

The clerk says, “sorry we don’t have any chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”

Guy says “ok just give me a 1/2 gallon of chocolate”

Clerk says “again, we have no chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”

Guy says “ok just give me a pint of chocolate then”

Now the cl...

Back in the day, I 'member me and my mom going to the store with two dollars in her purse and coming back with a big bag of spuds, two loaves of bread, a pound of cheese, three gallons of milk, half a dozen eggs and coffee…

You can't do that anymore…too many security cameras…

What do you get when you eat a gallon of ice cream?

Breyers remorse.

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"

Me: *lifts gallon*

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and notices a jar of money on the bar.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three te...

What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?

Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.

I bought a 5 gallon drum of correction fluid the other day.

Big mistake.

What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish?

A bass drum.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gallon of chocolate ice cream

A heavy set woman walks into an ice cream store and orders a gallon of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says "ma'am, i'm so sorry, but we just ran out of chocolate."
Now this heavy set woman is an executive-type, and she is hungry and in a hurry, she says "Look asshole, give me a h...

A man was spotted carrying several stolen flannel shirts and scarves, as well as two gallons of cider

when stopped by police the man claimed that he was "just a Fall guy"

A man walks into a bar with a 3 gallon bucket...

He asks the bartender if he could fill it up with beer. The bartender says "sure" and fills it up. The guy pays for it and leaves. 20 minutes later the guy comes back with the same bucket and asks the bartender if he'll fill it up again. The bartender says "sure but if you don't mind me asking what ...

Washington D.C. was in complete gridlock...

As I stewed in traffic wondering what was causing it, a guy comes up and knocks on my window.
"What's it all about?" I ask.
"You haven't heard? President Trump has been kidnapped. It's all over the news! The ransom note says we either deliver a billion dollars or they are going to cover him w...

Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie...

Q: What comes in quarts?

.

.


A: Elephants

Gas should cost π/gallon.

Since the price is irrational.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon?

They only come in quarts(z)

Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?

Meat hes a butcher.

Back in the day I could go to the store with $5 and come home with a gallon of milk, a lb of baloney, 3 packs of cigarettes and a 12 pack. Can't do that anymore.

There are to many security cameras these days.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

Did you hear about the Native American chief who drank 50 gallons of Earl Grey?

He was found dead in the morning, drowned in his tee-pee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. While he sits there he notices a jar full of money on the bar. Next to the jar is a sign that reads, "complete the challenge win the prize." Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three part...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man takes the gallon tequila challenge.

A man after work stops by a pub for a drink. After sitting down he notices a sign saying "Finish the gallon tequila challenge and win free drinks for life." When the bartender approached, the man inquired and the bar tender explained, "nobody has ever finished it as of yet. First you must finish a g...

An Indian Chief drinks 1,000 gallons of ice tea

He drowned in his own tepee

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to buy some ice cream

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor looking to buy a few gallons of ice cream for her child's upcoming birthday party. She walks up to the man behind the counter and begins giving her order, "I want 2 gallons of chocolate, 1 gallon of vanilla, and 1 gallon of strawberry". The gentleman behind ...

Magnificent Niagara

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was... "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.' It eventually became very annoying.


I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Farmer Jim goes to the country fair

And there he sees a milking machine, he likes it so much that he buys it.

Tomorrow morning he sets up the machine but decides to test it out himself, so he puts his dick in it.

He comes once, twice, three times.

When he had enough he took the manual to see how the machine tur...

Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "A...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The milkman

A blonde hears that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she leaves a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman reads the note, he figures there must be a mistake; she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocks on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde come...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into Baskin Robbins

Walks up to the counter and asks the employee

"What all flavors do you guys have?"

The employee names off all 31 flavors and the guy says

"I'll take a pint of chocolate"

The employee says "I'm sorry sir but we don't have any chocolate"

The guy says "Hmm, well w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day

and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study wh...

"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

Kidnapping Congress

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar...

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, has owned a farm for several years.

Ron had a large pond in the back. It was perfectly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and to look it over. He grabbed a fi...

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Milking the situation.

So I'm just sitting there at the register and I see a customer approaching, before I can say hi, he runs past me with a gallon of milk in his hand.

Seeing the situation my manager says "that bastard just stole some milk"

And I respond "huh, how dairy"

And that's how I lost my j...

A woman comes home after a hard day of work . . .

and she decides she wants to pamper herself by having a milk bath. She calls a nearby grocery store and asks the manager if she can get 30 gallons of milk.

"For what?" he says

"I want to pamper myself by bathing in milk," she says.

"Pasteurized?" he asks.

"No, just up to ...

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.

The width of a milk jug is 5.5"

Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches

93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet

Divided by 5280

1,475,694,444 Miles

Divided by 93,000,000 ...

For the win

A man received a call from the local TV-station. He had signed up for a contest a few days ago and now he was informed that he had been chosen as a potential winner. The price was $10000. The task was simple: reach the TV-station within 15 minutes to win the price. Having just lost his job and with ...

A recent study found .....

........ that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

An american, a french, an arab and a swiss are on a fly...

Suddenly, the pilot says "we're too heavy, all the passenger have to drop something".

The american take billions of dollars and he says : "We got enough of this, i can drop freely"

Then the french drop cheese and says : ""We got enough of this"

The arab drop gallon of oil and sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are waiting to see the doctor...

...and as they wait, they begin to reveal to each other why they are seeking medical attention.

The first man reveals:

‘Gentlemen, when I go to the toilet, I can’t do number 1. I’ve sat, I’ve stood, I’ve whistled, I’ve hummed, and all in vain. My balls (since pee is stored therein) ar...

A farmer buys a new machine..

It's designed for extracting milk from the udders of cows. He tries it out on a few cows and figures 'Wow this is great, I don't have to get my hands dirty at all!'
After seeing the machine in action, a thought flashes through his head involving his most basic human desires and before you know it...

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

A journalist travels to a village to interview a shepherd.

There, he finds him standing in a field, watching over a herd of white and black sheep mixed together. He greets the shepherd then begins the interview.

\-"How much fur can you get out of these sheep" \- the journalist inquires.

\-"Which ones the white sheep or the black ones?"

...

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be pe...

How do you make a cat go woof?

A gallon a of gas and some matches.

A man is walking on the interstate

He stops a car and says to the driver,
"Hi, terrorists have kidnapped our beloved president Mr. Trump. They're demanding we pay them 50 million dollars, or else they'll pour gasoline on him and burn him alive. Can you please give something."
The driver thinks for a while and anwsers,
"I ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.

So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.

It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him w...

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Milk Order

A milkman gets an order for 40 gallons of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.

When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 40 gallons. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.

"O...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man is delivering milk to the homes of his wealthy customers...

He knocks at the back door of a big home and says, “Milkman!”

An attractive middle-aged woman comes to the door in her robe. “I am going to take a milk bath this morning.”, she says. “Go to your truck and bring 20 gallons of milk to my bathroom. I’ll be waiting.”

He heads to the truc...

A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors.

The devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm
gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You
have to complete 3 tasks.

"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack
Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.

"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear
with a sore t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Robert

“Did you know there’s 1.5 gallons of blood in an average person” One of the girls at our lunch table looked at him in disgust, and looked away.

Robert was a weird ass kid. None of us were friends with him, and we didn’t pay any attention to him, so it was a surprise to see his greasy self sit...

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the ba...

What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?

Several gallons of laughing stock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boy and a farmer.

One day, as a farmer sat on his porch, a young boy walked down the dirt road carrying a 2 gallon pale. The boy approached the farmer and said, I passed your field the other day and saw some milk weed out there, do you mind if I fill my pale? The farmer chuckled and agreed. After a while, the boy cam...