UPJOKE

### What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

### What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

### Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

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### A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

Jerry can.

### I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs \$500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

### If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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### A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

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### A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with \$20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the \$20 challenge. You put a \$20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

### A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with \$10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

### What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)

Water because butane is a lighter fluid

### A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a \$100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

### Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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### [NSFW] A teenager goes to confession.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."

"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.

Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession w...

### My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

### A man goes home after being at his mistress' house

However, he realized that he smelled like her perfume. So then he goes to the nearby bar, drinks a couple of glasses of whiskey and heads home.

His wife met him at the door, smelled him and told him "You dirty pig! You can pour a gallon of women perfume over yourself and I'll know that you'v...

### My Uncle died from drinking

He drank a whole gallon of varnish. He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

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### I was working in an ice cream shop and we ran out of vanilla ice cream

About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks for a gallon of vanilla. So I have to break the news too her.
“Sorry ma’am, we are all out of vanilla today.”
“Oh, no bother” she says, “I’ll just take a pint of vanilla then”
Slightly confused, I say “No ma’am, it’s not just the gallon size, ...

### Thinking about quitting my job to be a gallon of gas

The pay is on the rise, and I won’t get burnt out nearly as fast.

### Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.

After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.

The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....

"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
...

### What is the difference between an emo kid and a gallon of milk?

The milk won't hang itself after you dump it.

### A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

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### A gallon of chocolate ice cream

A heavy set woman walks into an ice cream store and orders a gallon of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says "ma'am, i'm so sorry, but we just ran out of chocolate."
Now this heavy set woman is an executive-type, and she is hungry and in a hurry, she says "Look asshole, give me a h...

Big mistake.

### Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

### Some guy just threw a gallon of milk at me!

How dairy

This was udderly dumb, I should stop milking this

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### A blonde woman asks a dairy farmer to sell her 40 gallons of milk.

“Certainly, ma’am. Might I ask why you need so much milk?”

The blonde replies: “I’m going to take a bath in it...”

“Ok... no problem” he says. “Do you want it pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my boobs.” She responds. “I can splash it above my eyes.”

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### This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

"Hi Doris,...

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### A guy asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream

The clerk says, “sorry we don’t have any chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”

Guy says “ok just give me a 1/2 gallon of chocolate”

Clerk says “again, we have no chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”

Guy says “ok just give me a pint of chocolate then”

Now the cl...

### An elderly man in Louisiana ...

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

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### The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

### One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

### Went to the doctor the other day after drinking a gallon of food coloring

I was peeing all these funny colors. He diagnosed me with a case of "dye urea".

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

### What is the North Korean equivalent of a Gallon?

One Supreme Litre.

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### Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

### My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

### Did you hear about the Native American who drank 20 gallons of tea?

They found him dead the next day laying in his own teapee.

### My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

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### Man takes the gallon tequila challenge.

A man after work stops by a pub for a drink. After sitting down he notices a sign saying "Finish the gallon tequila challenge and win free drinks for life." When the bartender approached, the man inquired and the bar tender explained, "nobody has ever finished it as of yet. First you must finish a g...

### Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn’t square?

Because the opening of the bottle is round.

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### A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be \$18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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### An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

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### (LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

### What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?

Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.

### A man walks into a bar with a 3 gallon bucket...

He asks the bartender if he could fill it up with beer. The bartender says "sure" and fills it up. The guy pays for it and leaves. 20 minutes later the guy comes back with the same bucket and asks the bartender if he'll fill it up again. The bartender says "sure but if you don't mind me asking what ...

### Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon?

They only come in quarts(z)

Breyers remorse.

### Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

### I arrived at the gas station only to see that its 7.00 dollars per gallon and 7.00 dollars per pack of cigarettes. And since my job is on the line, the answer is pretty obvious.

I can bike for 30 miles, its better for my health anyways.

### In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

### Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

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### Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

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### The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with \$10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

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### A husband came home with half a gallon of ice cream

and asked his wife if she wanted some.

"How hard is it?" she asked.

"About as hard as my dick." he replied.

"Pour me some."

### What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish?

A bass drum.

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### Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

### There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...

### An Indian Chief drinks 1,000 gallons of ice tea

He drowned in his own tepee

### Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie...

Q: What comes in quarts?

.

.

A: Elephants

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Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?

Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?

Man: The brown one.

Farmer: About a half gallon a day.

Man: And the black one?

Farmer: About a half gallon a day.

Man (looki...

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### I saw a lady with a gallon of water in one hand and some chik fil a in the other

and I thought to myself:

"Now there's a thirsty girl who wants some cock"

### A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

### A man was spotted carrying several stolen flannel shirts and scarves, as well as two gallons of cider

when stopped by police the man claimed that he was "just a Fall guy"

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### A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> \$2.50

> \$4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

### Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

### A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

### My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about \$3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.

Skim milk has never tasted so good.

### Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?" ...

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### 3 drunken challenges - long

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his beer when he sees a large jug of money behind the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender says they have a running bet that nobody can pass 3 challenges. If you pay \$20 and pass all 3 challenges the money is yours. ...

### A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

### What do Costco and Las Vegas have in common?

You go to buy a gallon of milk and it costs you \$285.

### A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.

*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.

His response --- "They had bananas."

### Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?

Meat hes a butcher.

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### Old man & a pail.

An old man was sitting on his porch one day. When a young man approached him with a gallon pail in one hand. He quickly asks the old man if he could go behind his barn & get milk from his milkweeds. The old man nods & an hour later the young man returns with a pail of milk. The next day the ...

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### When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

### Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the ba...

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### If airlines sold paint (from Car Talk)

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is \$12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to \$200 a gallon.

Customer: What's t...

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### So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks...

### Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds a...

### Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

### Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

Kurdled