Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.

Who can drink a gallon of gasoline and live?

Jerry can

Who can drink two gallons of gas?

Jerry Can

What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)

Water because butane is a lighter fluid

Have you heard of the Native American who drank 40 gallons of tea?

He was found dead in his teepee.

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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A blonde woman asks a dairy farmer to sell her 40 gallons of milk.

“Certainly, ma’am. Might I ask why you need so much milk?”

The blonde replies: “I’m going to take a bath in it...”

“Ok... no problem” he says. “Do you want it pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my boobs.” She responds. “I can splash it above my eyes.”

Do you know who can guzzle 5 gallons of gas?

Gerry can

I still remember my grandfather’s favourite saying: “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

I just bought 10 gallons of Witeout.

Big mistake.

A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.

*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.

His response --- "They had bananas."

So I managed to get 2 gallons of gas for only $1.99

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell

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A man is asking a farmer about his two cows

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?


Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?


Man: The brown one.


Farmer: About a half gallon a day.


Man: And the black one?


Farmer: About a half gallon a day.


Man (looki...

What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?

A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces.

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will ...

A man's wife sent him to the store. "Get a gallon of milk and if they have avacodos, get six."

The man returns with six gallons of milk.

"Why did you get six gallons of milk?"

"They had avacodos."

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

A Turkish man stopped by my convenience store and bought a gallon of milk. He comes back in an hour later with the same jug of milk, absolutely furious at me for selling him "bad milk!" I ask him what the problem is and he tells me its all

Kurdled

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.

After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain.

The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.

If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as...

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

7 thousand gallons of gin have spilled on the highway.

Now every lane is the sloe lane.

An Elderly Man In Louisiana

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the po...

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

So I won a grand prize at a local trivia game.

They went up to me and said, “Congrats! You’ve won
a 1 British dollar Sandwich that compresses 1/4 gallons worth of 25c coins!”

And I said, “So a 1 pound quart quarter pounder quarter pounder?”

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.

Skim milk has never tasted so good.

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A guy asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream

The clerk says, “sorry we don’t have any chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”

Guy says “ok just give me a 1/2 gallon of chocolate”

Clerk says “again, we have no chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”

Guy says “ok just give me a pint of chocolate then”

Now the cl...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

Did you hear the one about the Indian man who drank 12 gallons of tea in one night?

He went to bed and the next morning, he was found dead in his teapee

What is the North Korean equivalent of a Gallon?

One Supreme Litre.

Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn’t square?

Because the opening of the bottle is round.

Single, huh?

A woman went to a grocery store and did some shopping. She gave her basket to the check-out clerk, who scanned the following:

1 toothbrush
2 small packages of noodles
1 banana
1 small turkey
1/2 gallon of milk

The clerk looked at the woman and said "single, huh?'
...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

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An aging blonde heard that milk can rejuvenate her skin and make her look young again.

So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the mistake.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I foun...

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

I tend to be extra cautious around tall, large men with ten gallon hats

They’re pretty shady individuals.

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(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

I was working at a grocery store

A lady had a gallon of milk and a gallon of iced tea.

I asked, “would you like your milk bagged, ma’am?”

She replied “No, thank you, nor would I like my tea bagged.” *wink*

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Russian soldier

The US and Russia have gone to war.  Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as,a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad. 1st...

"The Chairman of the Red Cross Society of China had been kidnapped. The kidnapper demands for 10mil or he will burn the Chair alive with gasoline. How much are you willing to help?"

A guy in Wuhan replied: "Maybe 10 gallon."

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I saw a lady with a gallon of water in one hand and some chik fil a in the other

and I thought to myself:

"Now there's a thirsty girl who wants some cock"

Back in the day, I 'member me and my mom going to the store with two dollars in her purse and coming back with a big bag of spuds, two loaves of bread, a pound of cheese, three gallons of milk, half a dozen eggs and coffee…

You can't do that anymore…too many security cameras…

What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?

Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by an evil wizard

The wizard gives them three tasks, if they complete the tasks they are free.
1. Drink a gallon of beer
2. Go to a bear cave and punch the bear
3. Fuck a 100 year old nun

The Englishman goes first.
He starts drinking but soon he faints

The Scotsman drinks the beer and goes...

A guy is driving past the White House....

...and he sees that the road is blocked, but they are letting cars through one at a time. There are crowds on the sidewalk, shouting, but he can't hear what's being said.

Finally he gets to the roadblock, and rolls down his window. "What's going on?" he asks.

"Donald Trump has had ...

A wife asks her husband...

"Could you go shopping for me and buy a gallon of milk? And if they have avocados, get six."

A short time later, the husband comes home with six gallons of milk.

The wife asks: "Why did you buy six gallons of milk?"

Husband replies: "They had avocados."

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

A Sailor is on his first day on a destroyer

and his Superior is giving him tour. They approach a room with a single 55 gallon barrel in the center of it.

“What’s this?” the young Sailor ask.

“Oooh that. Well Sailor, we are out to sea for long periods of time and we have certain needs. So anytime you get the urge you just whip it...

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A gallon of chocolate ice cream

A heavy set woman walks into an ice cream store and orders a gallon of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says "ma'am, i'm so sorry, but we just ran out of chocolate."
Now this heavy set woman is an executive-type, and she is hungry and in a hurry, she says "Look asshole, give me a h...

What do you get when you eat a gallon of ice cream?

Breyers remorse.

What musical instrument do you get if you fill a 55-gallon drum with fish?

A bass drum.

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie...

Q: What comes in quarts?

.

.


A: Elephants

Gas is under $2 a gallon and Suge just killed a guy...

Looks like the '90's are back!!

Gas should cost π/gallon.

Since the price is irrational.

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It's the middle of the night, pouring rain, and a man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere...

He sees a farmhouse in the distance and walks to it. After knocking on the front door, a farmer opens it and greets the man. Inside, the man sees the farmer's beautiful wife and daughter.

The man tells the farmer about his situation and the farmer is sympathetic, allowing the man to stay the...

A man walks into a bar with a 3 gallon bucket...

He asks the bartender if he could fill it up with beer. The bartender says "sure" and fills it up. The guy pays for it and leaves. 20 minutes later the guy comes back with the same bucket and asks the bartender if he'll fill it up again. The bartender says "sure but if you don't mind me asking what ...

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

A man was spotted carrying several stolen flannel shirts and scarves, as well as two gallons of cider

when stopped by police the man claimed that he was "just a Fall guy"

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I decided to calculate how much semen I've ejaculated in my lifetime...

I figure the average male ejaculates 3ml of fluid every time, based on an internet source.

I then figure I started at age 12, and then I guessed my daily average discharge rate would be around 2 times per day in my lifetime since age 12, and I am now 30.

So, doing some math, I've come ...

Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job. The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stret...

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Man takes the gallon tequila challenge.

A man after work stops by a pub for a drink. After sitting down he notices a sign saying "Finish the gallon tequila challenge and win free drinks for life." When the bartender approached, the man inquired and the bar tender explained, "nobody has ever finished it as of yet. First you must finish a g...

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A farmer is tired of milking his cows,

So one day, when he sees an advertisement for an automatic cow milker, he immediately orders it.

Two weeks later, when his wife is out buying groceries, the package arrives. The farmer, feeling very horny, opens it up, immediately sticks his dick into it, and turns it on.

The orgasm he...

Why can't you purchase minerals by the gallon?

They only come in quarts(z)

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A husband came home with half a gallon of ice cream

and asked his wife if she wanted some.

"How hard is it?" she asked.

"About as hard as my dick." he replied.

"Pour me some."

Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?

Meat hes a butcher.

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

Did you hear about the Native American chief who drank 50 gallons of Earl Grey?

He was found dead in the morning, drowned in his tee-pee.

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Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store...

“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she sa...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

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A guy walks into a bar...

notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the mon...

Back in the day I could go to the store with $5 and come home with a gallon of milk, a lb of baloney, 3 packs of cigarettes and a 12 pack. Can't do that anymore.

There are to many security cameras these days.

An Indian Chief drinks 1,000 gallons of ice tea

He drowned in his own tepee

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Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

White cow, black cow

A man was hiking through the mountains with his family when they met a cowman with two cows. They approach him

"Good morning my friend. My children have never seen a cow in their life, may we get near?"

"Yeah, to the white cow" he answers.

"What about the black one?" Asks the f...

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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

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A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day

and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study wh...

"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...

A woman comes home after a hard day of work . . .

and she decides she wants to pamper herself by having a milk bath. She calls a nearby grocery store and asks the manager if she can get 30 gallons of milk.

"For what?" he says

"I want to pamper myself by bathing in milk," she says.

"Pasteurized?" he asks.

"No, just up to ...

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A guy walks into Baskin Robbins

Walks up to the counter and asks the employee

"What all flavors do you guys have?"

The employee names off all 31 flavors and the guy says

"I'll take a pint of chocolate"

The employee says "I'm sorry sir but we don't have any chocolate"

The guy says "Hmm, well w...

Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "A...

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

A man wants to be an Eskimo...

He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things: 1) You must drink one gallon of 151...

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Old man & a pail.

An old man was sitting on his porch one day. When a young man approached him with a gallon pail in one hand. He quickly asks the old man if he could go behind his barn & get milk from his milkweeds. The old man nods & an hour later the young man returns with a pail of milk. The next day the ...

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"

Me: *lifts gallon*

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

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I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.

The width of a milk jug is 5.5"

Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches

93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet

Divided by 5280

1,475,694,444 Miles

Divided by 93,000,000 ...

Magnificent Niagara

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was... "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.' It eventually became very annoying.


I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magn...

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

A recent study found .....

........ that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

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