UPJOKE
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False Jokes

!false

It's funny because it's true.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

My new toothpaste is false advertising

It said, "Guaranteed whiteness in 14 days."

Well, it's been 15 days and I'm still Asian.

False dichotomies.

You either love them

or think everyone should kill themselves.

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

False Teeth

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

'Get your hand out of there!' she shouts. 'Don't you know that women have teeth down ther...

How are false teeth like stars?

They come out at night!

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

After 8 years Americans prove the rumor to be false.

They went black and now they are going back.

What do you call a butler with false teeth?

An indentured servant.

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

What did true say to false?

Stop boolean me

I have good false memory

I can misspell every single word on the dictionary.

Edited: grammar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman arrested on false charges for putting a finger up her asshole.

Normally the police wouldn't have been interested, but once her asshole had told the other assholes down at the precinct the cronyism took over.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

What's a six-letter word that means a false feeling of accomplishment?

Wordle.

Did you hear the joke about the false piece of cloth?

It was fabricated.

My false advertising course...

Is SO WORTH the 7,000 pounds a year that I pay.

Its really hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously.

It's like watching 2 tarantulas scream for attention.

False teeth.

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down fr...

I wanted to run a DnD game where the party would be setting up a gynecology clinic, but my gaming group started spreading a false rumor that it was a kink thing?

It was just a smear campaign...

"There are a lot of false quotes on the internet."

-Abraham Lincoln

Here's a short programming joke: !false

It's funny because it's **true**. I hope that makes you laugh a *bit*.

A guy walked into a prosthetic limbs store.

He picked up a false shoulder, arm and wrist.

The store attendant asked "Would you like a hand with that?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True false tests

Why did the school principal forbid the use of true/false tests? It was part of the school's anti Boolean campaign.

Life cereal uses false advertising...

I poured it on my grandma and she still didn't wake up.

Diaper companies should be sued for false advertising.

Not once have they held the 22-37 pounds they promised.

There's a special place in hell for false advertisers.

I heard women's pants are half-off at the clothes store. But when I got there, all the women were fully clothed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

Don’t ask too many true/false questions. People might think you’re harassin’

Or boolean.

Why did False invite truth to their wedding?

Because Truth is relative.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

Jack's sitting on the bus

Sitting opposite him is a man trying to bite into an apple.
"What's the matter?" asks Jack.
"I left my false teeth at home", the man replies.
Jack puts his hand in his pocket, "Here, try these", and hands him a set of false teeth.
"Thanks, but they're too big".
Jack hands him another...

I saw where they pulled all the Steve Irwin sunscreen off the market for false advertising.

It didn't protect against harmful rays.

I didn't really want to take my friend's true or false test

But he wouldn't take no for an answer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael is very shy and has low self-esteem because he is missing an eye, and his poor parents could only afford a wooden false eye.

He doesn't have many friends, and he's terrified of girls, although there is one girl he has his eye on. Her name is Betsy, and she has a hair-lip.

The school dance is coming up in a few days, and it seems like absolutely everyone has a date. Everyone, that is, except for him and Betsy. It...

A joke from my old physics professor..

How Long is a battleship. True or false?


False. How Long is a man from China.

A court hearing about theft in a major company.

**Judge**: Witness Sawyer, are you aware what awaits you in case of false testimony?

**Secretary**: Yes, Your Honor, the boss was saying something about ten thousand dollars and a mink furcoat.

In a hurry to get to a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrives and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth.

He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said.
"Too loose," the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
"Too tight," the speaker told him.
"I have one mo...

I am a waiter in need of false teeth. Do I need to look for a new job?

I don't think indentured servants are legal any more.

I got a set of false teeth put in but couldn't pay for them, so now I have to help out at the dentist's office

I guess that makes me an indentured servant

In the news recently: men with funny haircuts fight to rule the world, throwing false accusations, their supporters being all fanatic about it all.

Come on guys, it’s only The World Cup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just bought some children's books and there was no porn in any of them

I'm suing the Republican party for false advertising.

An old man goes to a French restaurant

The waitress asks him if he wants an aperitif, the old man removes his false teeth and said “no thanks I already have one”

What do you call a Snake that Works in the Government?

My account got falsely permanently suspended

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

Another blonde joke

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions. 

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. Sh...

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay

He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.

I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.

3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Sti...

3 captured soldiers are about to be executed by an enemy firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.”
The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the...

Yugioh joke

Did you hear about the Kaiba singing tribute act? They were known as the false Setos....

Dirty Pig

Customer is disgusted when she sees a baker crimping a pie with his false teeth.
“Have you now got a tool for that job, you filthy pig”
“Yes, I use that for the doughnuts!!

A lady of advanced age required the services of a page-boy ...

... and advertised: "Youth wanted."

One of her dearest friends sent her by the next post a bottle of Blank's celebrated wrinkle filler, a skin tightener, a pot of fairy bloom, a set of false teeth, and a flaxen wig.



Source: "Empress Express" Newspaper, June 20, 1913, Empress, A...

I went to the local auction house because the advert said lots for sale

False advertising, they only had land

For my Cake day I would like to share my biologist wife's favorite joke.

Two girls are giving relationship advice to their friend.

The confectioner says:

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." And offers to help the girl bake a cake.

The doctor says:

"That is actually false, the quickest way to a man's heart is through the...

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

Canada has no president

False or Trudeau

My 6 year old daughter just said to me..

"Dad, don't you find it inherently dishonest when people fabricate a false narrative using children to make the underlying message more humorous?"

I dunno what she talking about. Kids, eh?

"HEY, is that a rare T-Rex fossil leg?

"Nope, fossil arm"

Pronounced false alarm. Nobody got it last time and I think it's good.

There are two types of people in the world…

People who think there are two types of people in the world

And people who understand false dichotomies.

An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.

Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn’t let them
keep Boolean him.

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

A Blonde Takes a Test

The professor notices a blonde student flipping a coin as she answers the True/False questions. She finishes long before everyone else, and starts flipping the coin again, sometimes changing her answers.

When she brings her test to the front, the professor asks, "Why were you flipping that co...

If Trump wanted to avoid impeachment...

...he should’ve falsely claimed there were WMDs in Iraq

Trump and Putin sit down for a game

Putin offers Trump to play a game.
-Lets say something and guess if its true or false.I'll start.I have submarines in the chinese sea.Truth or False?

Trump replies-False!

-Nope,Truth!1-0.Your turn.

-Trump thinks and says-I have missiles aimed at Russia,ready to launch!Truth o...

What does a hidden compartment in a drawer have in common with Kim Kardashian?

The false bottom

I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green.

He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.

Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

The Fart

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong ins...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

A guy walked up to me at school

And picked me up. He yelled "TRUE" in my ear and walked away. Then in the middle of the hall he kept shouting to me "FALSE". Finally he walked up to me when I was with my crush and said "true true true true false false". That's when I snapped.

"Stop boolean me!!"

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