Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

What to blm protestors and cod players have In common?

They both hate people who use riot shields

My pet fish is a gamer

His favorite game is cod



(this is my first post on here please be nice)

A cod leaned into a sardine at a bar.

"I've got something to tell you, but you can't tell a sole."

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

Once upon a time in the Caribbean...

Two prawns were swimming around. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was...

What do controllers and your mom have in common?

They both get smashed by COD players

CoD WW2 is so realistic...

Even the servers are from 1941.

Activision stated that there would be no loot boxes or weapons tied behind something you have to pay for in the newest CoD

Lol who is buying that.

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As a Marxist I could never play CoD,

because I refuse to create a class.

What's the difference between a CoD player and a baby?

A baby eventually grows up.

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

cod, dammit.

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The Cod Captain and His Seamen's Semen

Several centuries ago, Irish fishermen sought fortune fishing cod off the coast of Newfoundland. During the long cross-Atlantic journey, many captains worried about their men after so much time away from their wives.

One devoutly Catholic captain was especially concerned that his men might re...

Have you heard of Cape Cod Potato Chips?

apparently they are so good they actually named a whole cape after them

What do Catholic cows do on Fridays?

Chew their cod.

Do you believe in cod?

Because I reely trout it exists.

So I bought the new cod game.

Best fishing simulator ever.

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

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If you play FPS games this will make sense. Should be original.

A man goes online and finds two of his mate playing COD:Warzone with a guy he doesn't know. He asks them what his name is and he guy says proudly in a French Accent "Zey call me ze Wanker". He is a bit dubious but his friends insist he is pretty good.

So they play the battle royal mode, and W...

Why was jesus bad at COD

He respawns after 2 days

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

A Call of Duty player doesn't feel well and goes to the Doc

Doctor: What's your favorite map?




Cod player: Terminal

Doctor: What a coincidence.

A magician goes to a fish market...

The fishmonger says “pick a cod, any cod”

What did the pet fish say when the cook served fish steak for dinner?

Oh my Cod!

What did the cow do when it ate a fish?

It chewed the cod

The Prawns

Christian and Fletcher were two prawns living in the ocean swimming about in their daily lives when one day they see a shark and full of fear they run off to hide. Fletcher says I wish I was a shark it sux being a scared little prawn if I was a shark I wouldn’t fear anything. Christian says well the...

A magician walks up to a fisherman's booth.

The magician pulls a quarter from the fisherman's ear. The fisherman looks at the magician annoyed. The magician says can you do any better? The fisherman says sure and then pauses. The magician says annoyed "How are you going to start the trick. The fisherman just says... Pick a cod, any cod!

What do fish do to pass the time?

Play cod games

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

Lady Gaga once dated a fish

He felt that the relationship was abusive.



He was a cod in a bad romance.

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

What did the shark say when it found food after months of hunting?

Thank cod

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Fishing is a great way to recuperate.

Whenever you’re feeling bluegill or like nobody gives a crappie. Or if you’ve fallen on your bass and you’re sturgeon for the truth. Don’t ever trout that cod will be there for you.

What is the motto for the fish stick factory?

In cod we crust.

Two prawns are in the ocean discussing their hatred and fear of sharks

One prawn is called George and the other is called Christian. One day while discussing their fear of sharks, a nearby cod overhears them and swims over to talk to them. The cod promises to grant George one wish. George decides he wants to be a shark, so wishes to become a shark. The cod grants Georg...

What do they call a banana hammock on the beaches of Massachusetts?

A Cape Cod Piece

A request for Fish Jokes

My girlfriend really likes and jokes and fish. But when looking for fish jokes on the web i did not find anything except:

"What did the magician say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod"

"Why don't fish play basketball? because they are afraid of nets"

"What did the fish say wh...

How did Captain Bird's-eye die?

He was battered by a cod.

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

I tried to make a pie with fish innards!

It was cod offal.

Something for that cough

The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”

After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmac...

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3 Canadian guys discover an old oil lamp...

3 Canadian guys - One Newfie, One Quebecois, and one from Ontario are working together on a construction site. While digging they discover an old oil lamp, which, when picked up immediately belches forth a smoky, strange looking individual they know must be a genie.

"Thank you for freeing me,...

So there were two prawns called Peter and Christian...

One day Peter said to his best friend Christian "I don't want to be a Prawn anymore, I want to be something else. I want to be a shark!"

Christan asked why and Peter said he wanted to explore the ocean and that a Prawn was too small and would be eaten. While he was explaining a cod apeared ...

So a man, his son and his daughter go out fishing prior to fishing season...

So man, his son and his daughter go out fishing prior to their local fishing season. In their region it is illegal to keep the fish that they catch prior to the season, but it is still legal to fish. After about one hour and a half, the man hooks a beautiful 55cm cod. He leans over and goes to put t...

Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?

After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.

Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand

I guess it was cod's plan.

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

It's mayhem in the kitchen, and two chefs are at each other's throats over a botched order....

"I told you the manager wanted cod seasoned with parsley!" yelled the first chef, brandisihing a butcher's knife.

"Well I told you that he wanted mackerel seasoned with paprika!" yelled the other, grabbing a pan of hot oil.

At that point the manager walked in holding a plate, just as b...

I have this yearly fundraising going on...

So, I have this yearly fundraising going on. Every year in november I take 70€ and donate them to a poor game developer. As a little thank you, they give me a shooter game, every year. But throughout the last years, these games became worse and worse. Many of my friends could not understand, why I w...

Today, I found out there are places that sell fake scallops made out of white fish...

there are a lot of cod artists out there.

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True story: Back in 8th grade

My English A teacher: Women are very capable of looking after themselves...

Me: Yeah, in the kitchen...

-whole class chuckles whiles she gives me a dirty look-

She responds, with an insincere smile: Actually, women are slowly moving out of the kitchen and onto better things......

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The Aquatic Research Fish ponds overflowed last night because of heavy Rain.

it flooded the residential area nearby. A man walked into his back yard the next morning and saw his entire basement was filled with water, and hundreds of fish swimming in his pool. He went in his house and called his insurance company. He told the representative what happened. She replied "Sorry, ...

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John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job

...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. "John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."

Over time it starts to get more and more specific.

"John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k...

What did the beaver say when he found out his new neighbour was a fish?

Cod dam

The difference

What is the difference between a portuguese woman and a sea lion ?

One of them has shiny bodyhair and smells like cod, the other one is a mammal that lives in the sea.

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