This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

Arguing with a Woman is just like reading a software license agreement.

In the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license

First, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with te letters C Z W I N O S T A C Z.

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Police officer: Sir, I’m going to need to see your driver’s license.

Driver: You guys got a lot of nerve.

Police officer: Excuse me?

Driver: One day you take my license away and the next day you ask me to show it?

How long does it take to get your blimp license?

A GoodYear or so

A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license. The guy says sorry I never got my drinking license.

Have you been drinking? No, but when I do, they ask for my drivers license.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she’d failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use sex as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her

She came back disappointed though, she failed.
“What happened?” her friends asked.
“When I was sucking him off, I crashed”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My blonde friend got her driver license, but was still disapointed...

She said she got a ''F'' for sex.

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

In Australia, a license is required to own an assault rifle.

And yet they do not require a license to own assault shaker.

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

You see the story where all of the Orthopaedic surgeons lost their their medical licenses?

it was unorthodocs

My friend promised to give me one of his old Microsoft Office licenses.

He gave me his Word.

A Blonde gets caught speeding

The cop is also a blonde.


Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”


Driver: “What’s that?”


Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”


Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.


Cop looks at ...

The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.

"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."

:-P

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my car...

Why did Hitler lose his driving license?

He was too hard on the gas.

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a child is going through his mom's purse & takes out her driver's license...

His mom catches him reading it and just mildly scolds him.
The kid says "but I learned so much about you from it".
She says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"Well, says the kid... "I know your age now"
"and what is that?" asks his mother
"You're old" says the kid ...

Hunting License

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pull...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

Did you hear about the doctor who permanently lost his license JUST for sleeping with one of his patients?!?

He was a great veterinarian.

Why did the suicidal man get his pilot's license?

Because he didn't want to die alone.

Driver's License Test Question:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as ...

If I photoshopped a medical license

Would that be a doctored image?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this blonde girl finally got her driver's license, but is still disapointed. Why is that?

On her license, there's a line that says

''Sex: F''

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An acquaintance of mine just got his medical license revoked because he had sexual relations with one of his patients.

It's a shame, he was the best veterinarian in the city.

EA just acquired a new video game license...

Fallout

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gay Marriage Licenses

So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

Did you hear about the guy whose license said he needed to wear glasses while driving?

He was pulled over by a cop one day and the cop tells him that he's going to jail for driving without his glasses.

"But officer I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know buddy you're still going to jail!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A truck driver is driving on a desert road during the night

All of a sudden, he sees a man completely dressed in white in the middle of the road.

He slams the brakes, gets out of the truck and asks the man "What the hell are you doing in the middle of the road? Are you trying to get yourself killed?".

The man dressed in white replies "Hi there...

A man purchased a new Mercedes

to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "...

TIL: Hitler never had a driving license

No wonder he couldn't end a race

A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.


The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."

One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm ...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy.

She walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed...

My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,

but jokes on them because I own a piano.

Driving License

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

The person at the drivers license office asked me if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said sure, and I hope my Wurlitzer goes to a good cause.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driver's License

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
...

A cop stops a man for running a red light and asks for his license.

Man: "Don't have one".

Cop: "Show me registrations."

Man: "Don't have 'em."

Cop: "Show me a proof of insurance."

Man: "Don't have that one either."

Cop: "Show me your ID."

Man: "Nope, don't have it."

Cop: "Well, then I am going to have to call an offi...

Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?

Because it means they *cantaloupe*

Arguing with my wife is like reading an End User License Agreement

I don't understand much of what she's saying and end up clicking on 'I Agree' anyway

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

A girl is taking her drivers license exam

-if you are driving and see your brother and husband on the road, which one you slam


-my husband



-for the third damn time it's the brakes the damn brakes

Not sure if repost saw it on instagram if it is im sorry

What do you call the marriage license for a couple whose main kink is bondage?

A restraining order!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a man gets pulled over by a cop, and is asked for his license

officer: it says on your license that you need to be wearing glasses.
driver: i have contacts.
officer: i don't give a fuck who you know, buddy.

Fish story

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here ...

Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”

Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop pulls over a driver...

A cop pulls over a driver and says that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $1,000 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.

The man responded “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

At that momen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

Lawyer got rekt

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come ...

The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

License officer asks a woman who'd she hit if her brother and her husband are standing on the road?

The woman thinks for a while and says, "That's a tough choice but I think I'd save my brother and hit my husband."

To which the officer says, "FOR FUCKS SAKE WOMAN, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, YOU HIT BRAKES WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE IN FRONT OF YOU!"

Did you hear about the Pizza Chef with no drivers license?

He could dish it out but he couldn't take it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital,

and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's this 17 years old kid who's taking an exam for his driving license..

The examinator says "It's night. You see a single light coming towards you.. What is it?"
K: "Well.. It is a motorbike! "
E: "No, no.. You have to be more specific. Is it a Ducati? A Yamaha? A Suzuki?"
K: "Ask me one more question! "
E: "Ok, ok.. It's night. You see two lights coming to...

NY Driver's license.

A recently arrived Polish immigrant is taking eye test to get a driver's license in New York. The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:
C Z A J K O K I W S
The examiner asks - Can you read this?
The Polish replies - Read??! I know this guy!!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” She finally asked. The police women replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror...

A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...

"May I see your License Ma'am?"


"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.

​

One week later, Jim stops the sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer just bought a new Porsche...

He decides to park it in front of his offices to show it off. As he is exiting the vehicle a truck comes along and sheers of the drivers side door.

The lawyer begins screaming at the truck driver. "You stupid shit! You've ruined my brand new car! Where did you get your license? How did yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mom is driving her 6 year old daughter to her friend's house when...

the daughter asks "Mom, how old are you?
The mother replies "That's not a polite question to ask a lady, dear."
Undaunted, the daughter asks "Okay, but how much do you weight?"
Again the mother replies "Honey, that's a very impolite question!"
Persistently, the daughter asks "Okay mom, o...

Vanity License Plates

I saw a license plate recently that said "MBA MOM" on it.

I don't think that kind of license plate would work for me because all I have is an Associates Degree.

So mine would just say "ASS DAD".

Why couldn't the artist get a driver's license?

He gave off a good Impression, but couldn't make a Van Gogh.

Just got my drivers license and I'm already getting compliments!

Someone left a note on my car which said "Parking fine!" I was so happy :)

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy driving in his car decides to do some good deeds today!

Shortly after he sees a guy dressed completely in yellow waving at him. So our guy stops the car and rolls down the window.
"Hello there friend", says our guy, "how may I help you?"

The guy in yellow then responds. "Hello friend, I am the yellow faggot! I need a ride to the city."

O...

TIL Kurt Cobain didn't have a license.

He preferred riding shotgun

I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car

Just kidding.

​

I don't have a license.

What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say?

Ewe haul.

I ran into my state’s senator earlier today

The cops said it was premeditated and I got my license taken away

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the black guy get his pilot's license?

He went to flight school, you racist bastards.

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

When I got my license they asked if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said "I don't own an organ".