A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.

He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."

I said: “Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

I am gifting you a Microsoft office license for your birthday

I give you my word.

A poor man is wrongly accused of murder. He doesn't have the money to pay for an attorney, but he does have a friend who just recently received his lawyer's license.

The lawyer gave him a free trial.

Driving License

- Hi, i came to get my driving license out.
- Excuse me sir, but this is an Hospital.
- Yes, i know. The thing is, it's in my ass.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A man was arrested for hunting without a license...

The judge said, "I see this is your third offense. You never learn. I'm going to give you a punishment you'll remember. I hereby sentence you to wear a deer costume and wait on all fours for a hunter to come by. You'll have a ball gag in your mouth, so you'll understand how the deer feel, as you won...

Arguing with a Woman is just like reading a software license agreement.

In the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree"

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

In Australia, a license is required to own an assault rifle.

And yet they do not require a license to own assault shaker.

Police officer: Sir, I’m going to need to see your driver’s license.

Driver: You guys got a lot of nerve.

Police officer: Excuse me?

Driver: One day you take my license away and the next day you ask me to show it?

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license. The guy says sorry I never got my drinking license.

Have you been drinking? No, but when I do, they ask for my drivers license.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she’d failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use sex as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her

She came back disappointed though, she failed.
“What happened?” her friends asked.
“When I was sucking him off, I crashed”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My blonde friend got her driver license, but was still disapointed...

She said she got a ''F'' for sex.

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

How long does it take to get your blimp license?

A GoodYear or so

Why did Hitler lose his driving license?

He was too hard on the gas.

My friend promised to give me one of his old Microsoft Office licenses.

He gave me his Word.

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my car...

Driver's License Test Question:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as ...

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So a child is going through his mom's purse & takes out her driver's license...

His mom catches him reading it and just mildly scolds him.
The kid says "but I learned so much about you from it".
She says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"Well, says the kid... "I know your age now"
"and what is that?" asks his mother
"You're old" says the kid ...

Hunting License

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pull...

If I photoshopped a medical license

Would that be a doctored image?

Did you hear about the doctor who permanently lost his license JUST for sleeping with one of his patients?!?

He was a great veterinarian.

The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.

"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."

:-P

TIL: Hitler never had a driving license

No wonder he couldn't end a race

A Blonde gets caught speeding

The cop is also a blonde.


Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”


Driver: “What’s that?”


Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”


Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.


Cop looks at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this blonde girl finally got her driver's license, but is still disapointed. Why is that?

On her license, there's a line that says

''Sex: F''

Why did the suicidal man get his pilot's license?

Because he didn't want to die alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay Marriage Licenses

So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An acquaintance of mine just got his medical license revoked because he had sexual relations with one of his patients.

It's a shame, he was the best veterinarian in the city.

EA just acquired a new video game license...

Fallout

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A truck driver is driving on a desert road during the night

All of a sudden, he sees a man completely dressed in white in the middle of the road.

He slams the brakes, gets out of the truck and asks the man "What the hell are you doing in the middle of the road? Are you trying to get yourself killed?".

The man dressed in white replies "Hi there...

A man purchased a new Mercedes

to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "...

A TV license fee collector knocks on a door

And demands a fee from the owner of the house who happened to open the door.

The owner responds by saying he has no TV in the house. The collector responds, "You have a TV antenna on your roof, so you have a TV".

The house owner then invites the collector into the house and leads him ...

Did you hear about the guy whose license said he needed to wear glasses while driving?

He was pulled over by a cop one day and the cop tells him that he's going to jail for driving without his glasses.

"But officer I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know buddy you're still going to jail!"

A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.


The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."

One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm ...

My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,

but jokes on them because I own a piano.

An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk drivin...

Driving License

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

The person at the drivers license office asked me if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said sure, and I hope my Wurlitzer goes to a good cause.

Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?

Because it means they *cantaloupe*

A cop stops a man for running a red light and asks for his license.

Man: "Don't have one".

Cop: "Show me registrations."

Man: "Don't have 'em."

Cop: "Show me a proof of insurance."

Man: "Don't have that one either."

Cop: "Show me your ID."

Man: "Nope, don't have it."

Cop: "Well, then I am going to have to call an offi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pulled over by the cops.

I was driving down the i5 late one evening when a cop pulled me over.

Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "Nope."

Officer: "Well, it was pretty fast. License and registration please?"

Me: "I don't have insurance or registration. Plus I stole the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida state trooper pulls a car over and walks up to the passenger window.

A lady who appears to be in her 80s rolls down her window and the officer asks for her license and registration.

She opens the glove box and the officer sees a Glock in the glove box. He asks her if she has any other weapons in the car.

She opens the center console and shows him ano...

The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar."

The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?"

The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license...

Arguing with my wife is like reading an End User License Agreement

I don't understand much of what she's saying and end up clicking on 'I Agree' anyway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man gets pulled over by a cop, and is asked for his license

officer: it says on your license that you need to be wearing glasses.
driver: i have contacts.
officer: i don't give a fuck who you know, buddy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driver's License

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
...

A girl is taking her drivers license exam

-if you are driving and see your brother and husband on the road, which one you slam


-my husband



-for the third damn time it's the brakes the damn brakes

Not sure if repost saw it on instagram if it is im sorry

A nice, calm and respectable looking lady...

...went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said "I would like to buy some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big an...

Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”

Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a license plate labeled "Smth Jzz" today

I took comfort in knowing that there was someone else out there who enjoyed hopping on the couch after a long day's work and letting smooth jizz wash over them

A cop pulls a motorist over on the highway

"Do you know your lights are out?" asks the police officer.

"Yup," answers the driver. "But I don't care."

"And do you know how fast you were going?"

"Oh, probably about 20 miles over the limit."

"Can I see your license, sir?"

"I don't have one."

"Well, wel...

The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

Did you hear about the Pizza Chef with no drivers license?

He could dish it out but he couldn't take it.

A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Me: That's right. But co...

What do you call the marriage license for a couple whose main kink is bondage?

A restraining order!

Three things happened when started watching Game of thrones.

1. My friend said he didn't like this series.
2. My friend got hit by bus.
3. I lost my bus license.

NY Driver's license.

A recently arrived Polish immigrant is taking eye test to get a driver's license in New York. The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:
C Z A J K O K I W S
The examiner asks - Can you read this?
The Polish replies - Read??! I know this guy!!

A blonde was pulled over

When the cop came over to her window he said: license and registration please.
She said: what is a license?
Cop: it’s a card that has your picture on and says that you can drive.
Blonde: ohh that thing, and pulls it out and gives it to him, cop hands it back and then asks: and the registrat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this 17 years old kid who's taking an exam for his driving license..

The examinator says "It's night. You see a single light coming towards you.. What is it?"
K: "Well.. It is a motorbike! "
E: "No, no.. You have to be more specific. Is it a Ducati? A Yamaha? A Suzuki?"
K: "Ask me one more question! "
E: "Ok, ok.. It's night. You see two lights coming to...

A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...

"May I see your License Ma'am?"


"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"

A blonde lady cop pulls over a blond lady driver

The cop approaches and says license and registration please. The blonde driver says what’s a license? The blonde cop rolls her eyes and says it’s a little rectangular thing with your face on it. The driver searches in her purse and finds a make-up mirror, seeing her face she says Oh! Here it is. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom is driving her 6 year old daughter to her friend's house when...

the daughter asks "Mom, how old are you?
The mother replies "That's not a polite question to ask a lady, dear."
Undaunted, the daughter asks "Okay, but how much do you weight?"
Again the mother replies "Honey, that's a very impolite question!"
Persistently, the daughter asks "Okay mom, o...

Vanity License Plates

I saw a license plate recently that said "MBA MOM" on it.

I don't think that kind of license plate would work for me because all I have is an Associates Degree.

So mine would just say "ASS DAD".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big shot lawyer is driving through countryside on beautiful spring Sunday.

He's driving bit fast but there's no one else in sight. Feeling the power of car makes him feel great. He sees a crossroad with a stop sign coming up. Empty roads for miles. He slows a bit and swerves to left and speeds up.



Few moments later he hears sirens and sees red flashing light...

Trains

HE LOVED DRIVING TRAINS

In fact, it was his passion. Ever since he was a little boy, his dream was to drive trains. Soon after high school, he got an apprenticeship, and a little while later he got his train-driving liscence and started his career. Oh, the joy! He was having the best time of ...

What does the license plate of the sheep farmer say?

Ewe haul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pack your things gents, the road is about to get a little bumpy

There once were 3 idiots who all decided to go on a roadtrip together, so they all packed up their gear and left. The driver's name was Shutup, the Passengers name was Manners, and the guy sitting in the backs name was Shit (great parenting right?). While they were on the road, they came across a st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ethyl has lived in a nursing home most of her life and gets around in a wheelchair.

She is a demon in that wheelchair, charging around as fast as she can in corridors and taking corners on one wheel. Because she is a sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerate her and some will join in the fun.

One day Ethyl was speeding down the corridor when a door opened and ...

TIL Kurt Cobain didn't have a license.

He preferred riding shotgun

Just got my drivers license and I'm already getting compliments!

Someone left a note on my car which said "Parking fine!" I was so happy :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Man I love eating vegetables!

Anyway, that’s how I lost my medical license.

Why couldn't the artist get a driver's license?

He gave off a good Impression, but couldn't make a Van Gogh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the black guy get his pilot's license?

He went to flight school, you racist bastards.

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