This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA...

For my black jeep...

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

Police officer: Sir, I’m going to need to see your driver’s license.

Driver: You guys got a lot of nerve.

Police officer: Excuse me?

Driver: One day you take my license away and the next day you ask me to show it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde was going for a driving test for her license but was nervous as she’d failed 8 times before. After talking with her blonde friends they came up with a sure-fire plan. She was to pick a man as the driving instructor, and to use sex as a bargaining tactic in exchange for passing her

She came back disappointed though, she failed.
“What happened?” her friends asked.
“When I was sucking him off, I crashed”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My blonde friend got her driver license, but was still disapointed...

She said she got a ''F'' for sex.

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

You see the story where all of the Orthopaedic surgeons lost their their medical licenses?

it was unorthodocs

How long does it take to get your blimp license?

A GoodYear or so

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"

I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"

The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.

"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."

:-P

A Blonde gets caught speeding

The cop is also a blonde.


Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”


Driver: “What’s that?”


Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”


Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.


Cop looks at ...

Driver's License Test Question:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as ...

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my car...

Hunting License

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pull...

If I photoshopped a medical license

Would that be a doctored image?

My friend promised to give me one of his old Microsoft Office licenses.

He gave me his Word.

Did you hear about the doctor who permanently lost his license JUST for sleeping with one of his patients?!?

He was a great veterinarian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a child is going through his mom's purse & takes out her driver's license...

His mom catches him reading it and just mildly scolds him.
The kid says "but I learned so much about you from it".
She says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"Well, says the kid... "I know your age now"
"and what is that?" asks his mother
"You're old" says the kid ...

Why did the suicidal man get his pilot's license?

Because he didn't want to die alone.

Why did Hitler lose his driving license?

He was too hard on the gas.

TIL: Hitler never had a driving license

No wonder he couldn't end a race

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An acquaintance of mine just got his medical license revoked because he had sexual relations with one of his patients.

It's a shame, he was the best veterinarian in the city.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this blonde girl finally got her driver's license, but is still disapointed. Why is that?

On her license, there's a line that says

''Sex: F''

EA just acquired a new video game license...

Fallout

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A truck driver is driving on a desert road during the night

All of a sudden, he sees a man completely dressed in white in the middle of the road.

He slams the brakes, gets out of the truck and asks the man "What the hell are you doing in the middle of the road? Are you trying to get yourself killed?".

The man dressed in white replies "Hi there...

A man purchased a new Mercedes

to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gay Marriage Licenses

So, 22 counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his sister.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.


The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."

One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

Did you hear about the guy whose license said he needed to wear glasses while driving?

He was pulled over by a cop one day and the cop tells him that he's going to jail for driving without his glasses.

"But officer I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know buddy you're still going to jail!"

Driving License

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

The person at the drivers license office asked me if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said sure, and I hope my Wurlitzer goes to a good cause.

An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk drivin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driver's License

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
...

A cop stops a man for running a red light and asks for his license.

Man: "Don't have one".

Cop: "Show me registrations."

Man: "Don't have 'em."

Cop: "Show me a proof of insurance."

Man: "Don't have that one either."

Cop: "Show me your ID."

Man: "Nope, don't have it."

Cop: "Well, then I am going to have to call an offi...

Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?

Because it means they *cantaloupe*

Arguing with my wife is like reading an End User License Agreement

I don't understand much of what she's saying and end up clicking on 'I Agree' anyway

A girl is taking her drivers license exam

-if you are driving and see your brother and husband on the road, which one you slam


-my husband



-for the third damn time it's the brakes the damn brakes

Not sure if repost saw it on instagram if it is im sorry

What do you call the marriage license for a couple whose main kink is bondage?

A restraining order!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a man gets pulled over by a cop, and is asked for his license

officer: it says on your license that you need to be wearing glasses.
driver: i have contacts.
officer: i don't give a fuck who you know, buddy.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

I've always wanted kids.

But I can never lure them into my car.

Just kidding of course.. I don't have a license!

The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

License officer asks a woman who'd she hit if her brother and her husband are standing on the road?

The woman thinks for a while and says, "That's a tough choice but I think I'd save my brother and hit my husband."

To which the officer says, "FOR FUCKS SAKE WOMAN, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, YOU HIT BRAKES WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE IN FRONT OF YOU!"

Did you hear about the Pizza Chef with no drivers license?

He could dish it out but he couldn't take it.

Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”

Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?"

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

There's this 17 years old kid who's taking an exam for his driving license..

The examinator says "It's night. You see a single light coming towards you.. What is it?"
K: "Well.. It is a motorbike! "
E: "No, no.. You have to be more specific. Is it a Ducati? A Yamaha? A Suzuki?"
K: "Ask me one more question! "
E: "Ok, ok.. It's night. You see two lights coming to...

NY Driver's license.

A recently arrived Polish immigrant is taking eye test to get a driver's license in New York. The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:
C Z A J K O K I W S
The examiner asks - Can you read this?
The Polish replies - Read??! I know this guy!!

Driving in the middle

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to ...

A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...

"May I see your License Ma'am?"


"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

Vanity License Plates

I saw a license plate recently that said "MBA MOM" on it.

I don't think that kind of license plate would work for me because all I have is an Associates Degree.

So mine would just say "ASS DAD".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mom is driving her 6 year old daughter to her friend's house when...

the daughter asks "Mom, how old are you?
The mother replies "That's not a polite question to ask a lady, dear."
Undaunted, the daughter asks "Okay, but how much do you weight?"
Again the mother replies "Honey, that's a very impolite question!"
Persistently, the daughter asks "Okay mom, o...

Just got my drivers license and I'm already getting compliments!

Someone left a note on my car which said "Parking fine!" I was so happy :)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”

With a smile on his fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over by a cop ...

The officer says, "Sir, did you know you have a broken tail light?"

The guy's wife, sitting next to him, says, "I told you to get that fixed."

The guy screams at his wife, "Shut the fuck up!"

The officer asks for license, and registration, and says, "Sir, your license is expired...

TIL Kurt Cobain didn't have a license.

He preferred riding shotgun

A blonde is pulled over for speeding.

Turns out the officer is also a blonde woman.

"Let's see your license"

"What's that?'

"The thing in your purse with your face on it"

The Blonde pulls out her compact mirror, looks at it, and hands it to the blonde policewoman.

The policewoman looks at it and says,<...

Yo momma so fat

Her driver's license picture had to be taken by satellite

I just flew in from the airport and boy am i tired

Its stressful flying a plane without a license.

Why couldn't the artist get a driver's license?

He gave off a good Impression, but couldn't make a Van Gogh.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the black guy get his pilot's license?

He went to flight school, you racist bastards.

A boy was walking down the street when he saw a man further down slumped over his car...

As the boy came closer he realised the man wasn't slumped over the car, he was hugging and kissing it, all while bawling tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked the boy, "Is your wife making you sell the car?"

"No," answers the man. "She just got her license."

When I got my license they asked if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I said "I don't own an organ".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

*NSFW* A successful business man flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. 
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his si...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In London a man was pulled over by the police...

The police officer asked the driver for his license and registration. As the driver handed the officer his license it slipped out of his hand and fell on to the pavement. The officer leaned over to pick it up, and as he did so his top hat fell off and cigarettes came out. The police officer picked u...

You are going to lose your license to be a doctor

Doctor 1: You are going to lose your Doctoring License

Doctor 2: Everyone has slept with their patients one time or another

Doctor 1: You're a vet

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

A boy in my class asked a girl out and got a girlfriend.

I asked a girl out in my class and I lost my teacher's license.

A cop pulls over a drunk man..

A police officer pulls over a man who he thinks is drunk.. he walks up to the mans car. "Hello sir may I see license and registration"? Asks the cop. So the man hands him his license and registration.
The cop comes back a minute later and asks the man to step out of the car. "Ok sir I'm gonna per...