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Rules Jokes

The three unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

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A teenage monk joins a monastery and is told the rules.

Which basically consist of this: silence at all times except, every 20 years, you are allowed to appear before the head monk and speak two words. In his enthusiasm, he agrees.

Twenty years pass. A little disillusioned, he appears before the head monk, the same one who hired him. "Speak your t...

Dorm Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He cont...

Rule #1 for learning english

Their our know rules!

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Rules are Rules

A farmer’s boy woke up and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. The mother told him that he would get it after his chores were done. He stomps out angrily and heads out to clean the chicken. While going about it, a chicken pecks him and he kicks it. He goes to the pigsty and when one pig knocks him...

Dog Rules....

1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay OFF the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furnitu...

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Police Rules.

Woman talking to a police officer.


Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: Well I think you're a cunt.

There are two rules for success:

1. Never reveal everything you know

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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a wo...

There are only two rules you need to follow to become extremely succesful in life.

1. Not revealing everything you know.

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and ...

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The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

According to ATP rules whoever gets to the tennis match earlier gets the ball

First come, first serve

What are the unspoken rules of sign language?

All of them.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.

2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.

3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.

4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never fin...

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

The 2 Golden Rules of Religion

1) Be kind to other people.

2) KILL THE FILTHY INFIDELS!!!!

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Rules of Hell

A guy come to hell and rings the bell. Door opens and
he: "Ohh, wow, I am very surprise that the Boss opens the door himself. "

Lucifer: "That is normal here as I have to explain the rules to you."

Guy: "So what is it, what do I have to do ?"

Lucifer: "Well listen very care...

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...

I had to put my foot down.

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God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

Spelling rules

Teacher : Little Johnny, I asked you to write these words 20 times as your English spellings are not good. But you wrote these only 12 times.

Little Johnny: yes teacher my Counting is also not good.

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If a King rules a Kingdom and an Emperor rules an Empire, then who runs a Country?

A Cunt

Yeah, it’s an orgy but we still have rules!

Come on people!

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

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The 4 rules of plumbing

Payday is Friday

Shit flows downhill

The boss is an ass

Don't chew your fingernails

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

New lockdown rules in England...

New lockdown rules in England mean from Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

Apparently there are two rules to win in life...

1. Never be poor.
2. Never be ugly.

Well, the joke's on me.

What do you call a body of water that won’t follow its own rules?

The Hypocri Sea

There are THREE rules...

A man finds a bottle on the beach. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie.

The genie tells the man, "I will grant you three wishes, but I have three very important rules. First, you cannot kill anyone. Second, you cannot make people fall in love. Third, you cannot raise anyone from the dead."...

The 5 rules for Soviet intellectuals

Don't think.

If you think, don't speak.

If you think and speak, don't write.

If you think, speak and write, don't sign.

If you think, speak, write and sign, well, don't be surprised.

Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.

Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.

It's cake and y'all know the rules!

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

I live by 2 rules :

1: never let anyone know my next move

2:

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A man goes into a street of Moscow and yells: "I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader".

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him. Later he brings the man to Stalin. The soldier explained to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man: "Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the street?" The man says: "I was thinking about Hitler of course". Stalin lets the man go but st...

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

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Man rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitc...

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Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period. No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

The Rules of Writing

1: Always avoid alliterations

2: A preposition is not something to end a sentence with

3) Be consistent

4: Don’t restate ideas

5: Don’t be redundant

6: And never start a sentence with a conjunction

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

Texas hunting rules

A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes careful aim, shoots and kills him.  "You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

 "It's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan.

 Later that night the Ca...

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

A Haiku on the Rules of Writing a Haiku

Syllable structure:

First five, then seven, then 5.

Just like this one isn't.

There are two rules to remember in the entertainment industry.

The first is to always leave the audience wanting more. And the second

Let's review the rules of strip poker. It might take a while

so bare with me

Jeremy Clarkson's 3 rules of car repair:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.

2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

I can't believe people have no compliance with traffic rules these days

When I was on highway, everyone was driving in wrong direction.

Finally Wheel of Fortune is modernizing to reach more millennials with new rules.

Instead of buying a vowel they have to rent it.

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