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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
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Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch
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It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...
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[presidential test post]

pls ignore
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As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.
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In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference
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Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
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I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?
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How do you call Swiss presidential plane?

Tobler One
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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...
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Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
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The Donald Trump Presidential Library burned down last week.

Sadly, both books were lost, and one of them had just barely been coloured in.
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What did Nixon say when asked to help with the presidential dinner?

"I am not a cook!"
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What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.
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Did you hear about the presidential candidate whose sole opponent lived on the eroding slope of a mountain?

He won by a landslide.
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Why didn't Mario complete his presidential term?

He got in Peach
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SNL does great parodies of presidential debates.

For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though
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The Presidential Debate

We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin and two Russian generals are sitting in the Russian presidential aircraft

Putin gets bored and suggests to play a game to kill some time.
They came up with the idea that each of them will throw something out of the plane and later they will go to check what happened on the ground.

The first general pulls a Zippo lighter from his pocket, throws it out the wind...

2016 Presidential Election

Me: I don't like Trump.

Everyone: So you support a liar like Hillary? She should be in jail!

Me: I don't like Hillary.

Everyone: So you support a racist like Trump?! He doesn't stand for American values!

Me: I don't like either.

Everyone: So you're going to waste y...
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What's missing from tonight's presidential debate?

The laugh track.
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What's the Presidential ventilator called?

Forced Air One
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Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...
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2020 presidential debate

Actually nvm jokes are supposed to be funny not sad
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The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...
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What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years
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Las Vegas will decide the presidential election

What are the odds?
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A different presidential joke

George W. Bush was talking to some of his military advisors, and after listening to their briefings, he stated that he was going to earmark some military funds to send portraits of his predecessor's wife to the troops overseas.

One of his generals sighed, and leaned in. "Sir, we were asking f...
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Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump

A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.
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So i watched the presidential debate...

And I think we are the joke here.
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I u/deadroadie am declaring my official run for presidential candidacy.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!
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What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.
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You think the Presidential debate was hard to watch?

Think of what it was like for the sign language interpreters.
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There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!
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This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 election....

But a lot less Gore-y
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50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.
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It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.
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Today marks 69 days until the US Presidential Election...

...nice
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Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.
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How did Trump win the Presidential Race?

He was Russian
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Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican
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Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.
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If that Presidential piss tape ever gets released -

It will be the most streaming leaked video of all time!

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...
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How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one pence
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Who lost the American Presidential Debate?

America.
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Why isn't the French presidential limousine an automatic?

Because the chauffeur only drives Emmanuel
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The trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

\- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

\- “We’re taking United,” wa...

Presidential clock

After dinner one night, Bill Clinton drops his pants and points at his manhood, telling Hillary if she is going to be President, she better get to know the Presidential clock. She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!"
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The presidential footrace

Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.
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Joe exotic was hoping for a Presidential pardon and even had a limo waiting

but it was a stretch.
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Donald Trump still doesn’t realize that he has lost the 2020 Presidential Election.

Things like this become obvious when the writing is on the wall, but the wall was never finished.
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What do you eat after a presidential christmas dinner?

Impeach cobbler
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Recently Trump was asked if likes riding in the presidential Limo or the Sedan

He said he actually prefers driving a coup
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*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.
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Why does the Russian presidential election smell bad?

Cause the winners always pootin'

-Sorry
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Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late
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I watched the US Presidential Debate last night, but I don't know if it was worth it

If I wanted to watch two old men fighting and screaming at each other, I would have just gone to bingo night at the local nursing home‬.
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With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!
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This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is...
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why did the 2016 presidential election suck?

It was a real Hack job.
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Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.
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Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
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The 2016 Presidential Election ended in a tie

So then president Obama decided the tie breaker would a race around the White House, with the fastest time being awarded the presidency. Bernie Sanders being the honest man he is went first, but is older and well past his physical prime, completed the race on 17 minutes 46 seconds. Trump being the n...
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I saw where Sanders withdrew from yet another Presidential race after he worked so hard to get where he was...

The Bern out is real
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Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldn’t play with legos argue

One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99!
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There are over 1000 presidential candidates...

No seriously, there [are...](http://www.fec.gov/press/resources/2016presidential_form2nm.shtml)

Some of the names are awesome and jokes themselves

^Which ^is ^why ^I ^added ^this ^to ^r/jokes
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So the presidential debate is tonight.

Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.
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Donald and Hillary walk into a presidential debate.

And America walks out
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results from the 2016 Presidential Election are in...

Turns out no one in the fucking country voted, so President Obama took it upon himself to come up with a way to decide the next President. He told Bernie, Trump and Hillary that they would have an actual race. One lap around the White House and the fastest time would be the next Commander In Chief.<...

Donald Trump is a presidential candidate I can relate to

Both of us have fantasies with Trump's daughter
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A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"
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Donald Trump and the 2016 Presidential Election

I would make a political joke about it but then it would get elected.
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What do you call two clueless, old men.

Presidential Candidates
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Which presidential candidate does Tom Brady support?

Whichever can reduce inflation.
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Major takeaway of the USA 2016 presidential elections...

...Mexicans
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French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.
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The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie.

Whoever wins, we lose.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!
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I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election

I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?
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So many Democratic Presidential candidates it's hard to know who to pick, but there's something about Mayor Pete...

I can really see myself getting behind him and going all-in
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If you're upset about the presidential election, just wait four years

then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye
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