Presidential Jokes

People who didn't watch

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun... read more

pls ignore

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

and Trump can not tell the difference

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

Tobler One

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ... read more

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Sadly, both books were lost, and one of them had just barely been coloured in.

"I am not a cook!"

2nd place in a presidential election.

He won by a landslide.

He got in Peach

For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though

We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

Me: I don't like Trump.

Everyone: So you support a liar like Hillary? She should be in jail!

Me: I don't like Hillary.

Everyone: So you support a racist like Trump?! He doesn't stand for American values!

Me: I don't like either.

Everyone: So you're going to waste y... read more

The laugh track.

Forced Air One

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ... read more

Actually nvm jokes are supposed to be funny not sad

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m... read more

About 70 years

What are the odds?

George W. Bush was talking to some of his military advisors, and after listening to their briefings, he stated that he was going to earmark some military funds to send portraits of his predecessor's wife to the troops overseas.

One of his generals sighed, and leaned in. "Sir, we were asking f... read more

A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.

And I think we are the joke here.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

Think of what it was like for the sign language interpreters.

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

But a lot less Gore-y

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

...nice

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

He was Russian

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen... read more

Just one pence

America.

Because the chauffeur only drives Emmanuel

After dinner one night, Bill Clinton drops his pants and points at his manhood, telling Hillary if she is going to be President, she better get to know the Presidential clock. She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!"

Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.

but it was a stretch.

Things like this become obvious when the writing is on the wall, but the wall was never finished.

Impeach cobbler

He said he actually prefers driving a coup

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.

Unfortunately it was two years too late

If I wanted to watch two old men fighting and screaming at each other, I would have just gone to bingo night at the local nursing home‬.

Make America Great Britain again!

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is... read more

It was a real Hack job.

Cause the winners always pootin'

-Sorry

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

So then president Obama decided the tie breaker would a race around the White House, with the fastest time being awarded the presidency. Bernie Sanders being the honest man he is went first, but is older and well past his physical prime, completed the race on 17 minutes 46 seconds. Trump being the n... read more

The Bern out is real

One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99!

No seriously, there [are...](http://www.fec.gov/press/resources/2016presidential_form2nm.shtml)

Some of the names are awesome and jokes themselves

^Which ^is ^why ^I ^added ^this ^to ^r/jokes

Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.

And America walks out

Both of us have fantasies with Trump's daughter

And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"

I would make a political joke about it but then it would get elected.

Presidential Candidates

Whichever can reduce inflation.

...Mexicans

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

Whoever wins, we lose.

I won't stand for it!

I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?

I can really see myself getting behind him and going all-in

then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye