This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven...

God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.

Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?

God: Joseph R. Biden

Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* shit dude, this goes even deeper t...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

What's the Presidential ventilator called?

Forced Air One

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos

The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm

What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

SNL does great parodies of presidential debates.

For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though

Joe exotic was hoping for a Presidential pardon and even had a limo waiting

but it was a stretch.

This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 election....

But a lot less Gore-y

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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump

A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.

What's missing from tonight's presidential debate?

The laugh track.

Las Vegas will decide the presidential election

What are the odds?

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

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What do strippers and presidential candidates have in common?

They both go up and down polls

Recently Trump was asked if likes riding in the presidential Limo or the Sedan

He said he actually prefers driving a coup

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

I watched the US Presidential Debate last night, but I don't know if it was worth it

If I wanted to watch two old men fighting and screaming at each other, I would have just gone to bingo night at the local nursing home‬.

Donald Trump still doesn’t realize that he has lost the 2020 Presidential Election.

Things like this become obvious when the writing is on the wall, but the wall was never finished.

You think the Presidential debate was hard to watch?

Think of what it was like for the sign language interpreters.

I was asked if I saw the presidential debate.

I told them "No. I was too busy watching the circus."

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

I u/deadroadie am declaring my official run for presidential candidacy.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!

The Presidential Election will never bring a satisfactory conclusion, there’s no flow it’s just one candidate that changes the subject constantly,while the other can’t perform for too long

we truly have Electile Dysfunction

[presidential test post]

pls ignore

Trump wins the 2020 presidential elections

The joke is over, what are you looking for?

2020 presidential debate

Actually nvm jokes are supposed to be funny not sad

How is a presidential debate like the show The View?

Both have a couple of idiots talking over each other and not making a point.

Trump decided not to attend the second virtual Presidential debate

I guess that makes it forBiden

Today marks 69 days until the US Presidential Election...

...nice

Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldn’t play with legos argue

One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99!

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What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

Kanye West invited me to his presidential rally, I told him I'd only go if I could wear X-Ray goggles, he asked me why?

I said to him, "I already know you're crazy, but now I can see your nuts too!"

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

A different presidential joke

George W. Bush was talking to some of his military advisors, and after listening to their briefings, he stated that he was going to earmark some military funds to send portraits of his predecessor's wife to the troops overseas.

One of his generals sighed, and leaned in. "Sir, we were asking f...

I saw where Sanders withdrew from yet another Presidential race after he worked so hard to get where he was...

The Bern out is real

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

Millions surprised when they heard Julian Castro was dropping out of Presidential Race...

as they didn’t know he was actually running.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

So many Democratic Presidential candidates it's hard to know who to pick, but there's something about Mayor Pete...

I can really see myself getting behind him and going all-in

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Why isn't the French presidential limousine an automatic?

Because the chauffeur only drives Emmanuel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If that Presidential piss tape ever gets released -

It will be the most streaming leaked video of all time!

What do you eat after a presidential christmas dinner?

Impeach cobbler

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

What do you call two clueless, old men.

Presidential Candidates

Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

So I heard John Hickenlooper dropped out of the presidential race...

His supporter must be very upset to see him go.

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. “Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president,” one of them says.

“Why?” asks the second aide.



“Because then we’d only have to kiss his ring.”

How did Trump win the Presidential Race?

He was Russian

How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one Pence

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

2016 Presidential Election

Me: I don't like Trump.

Everyone: So you support a liar like Hillary? She should be in jail!

Me: I don't like Hillary.

Everyone: So you support a racist like Trump?! He doesn't stand for American values!

Me: I don't like either.

Everyone: So you're going to waste y...

The Presidential Debate

We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a baby boar tucked under each arm.

As he’s about to board the plane, a secret service agent stops him and asks “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the boars?”

Donald motions to one and says “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.”

The secret service agent nods in appro...

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon

Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.

Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book.

Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.

Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican

If Steve Jobs was still alive and a presidential candidate, he would have won the 2016 Election...

But let's not compare Apples to Oranges.

With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election

I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?

What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie.

Whoever wins, we lose.

Who lost the American Presidential Debate?

America.

People are wondering who will win the 2016 Presidential election, but I already know who will win the next election.

That's because I've got 2020 vision.

Just think...

We will soon have the first Presidential Library with only one wall.

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards the presidential limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s superviso...

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?

Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!

A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"

The 2016 Presidential Election ended in a tie

So then president Obama decided the tie breaker would a race around the White House, with the fastest time being awarded the presidency. Bernie Sanders being the honest man he is went first, but is older and well past his physical prime, completed the race on 17 minutes 46 seconds. Trump being the n...

An oligarch, a theocrat, and two architects of the prison industrial complex walk into a bar...

Sorry, I misplaced my notes. Those are just the choices for the US Presidential election.

Why does the Russian presidential election smell bad?

Cause the winners always pootin'

-Sorry

A letter gets sent to the White House addressed to "The World's Greatest President"

President Biden refuses to open it, seeing as though he hasn't earned the title, so he forwards it to Obama. Obama won't touch it and sends it to the estate of George H. W. Bush, who promptly forwards it to George W. W won't look at it and sends it to Reagan's Presidential Library, where Trump hap...

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A Chinese went to a temple and asked a monk: "Who will win the United States presidential election?" The monk point his finger towards a dog shit...

The Chinese was confused and asked the monk: "Did you mean both of them are shits? Or the shittiest one will win?"

The monk replied: "It means, I don't give a shit."

why did the 2016 presidential election suck?

It was a real Hack job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results from the 2016 Presidential Election are in...

Turns out no one in the fucking country voted, so President Obama took it upon himself to come up with a way to decide the next President. He told Bernie, Trump and Hillary that they would have an actual race. One lap around the White House and the fastest time would be the next Commander In Chief.<...

*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.

If you're upset about the presidential election, just wait four years

then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye

Monica Lewinsky just released a statement on the presidential candidacy of Hillary Clinton...

She was quoted as saying that she can't vote for Hillary, because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Donald and Hillary walk into a presidential debate.

And America walks out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

What do call the world's biggest puppet show?

The US presidential election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A musical joke [kinda NSFW]

A man won a weekend in 5 star hotel with all inclusive package - free food, drinks and presidential apartment.

Wanting to fully enjoy the package, the man visited each night the luxury restaurant and ordered the most expensive dishes and drinks.

At the end of his stay, one of the recep...

The presidential footrace

Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.

The first US presidential debate will last for about 90 minutes.

Alternatively, that's about six coughing fits long for the Democrats or the time it takes to completely offend equal number of minority demographics for the Republicans.

If you think Hillary is going to drop out of the presidential race, you should know Hillary doesn't go down...

That's why Bill had Monica.

What do you call Trump riding the presidential plane?

Hair Force One

What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?

Microphones!

Major takeaway of the USA 2016 presidential elections...

...Mexicans

I decided to vote for the most presidential and least controversial person I saw on the debate last night...

So I'm going to vote for Lester Holt.

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

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