Joke from my Russian friend about the last presidential election:

Advisor: Putin! I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Putin: The good news of course.

Advisor: You won the election!

Putin: So then whats the bad news?

Advisor: No one voted for you.

Kanye West invited me to his presidential rally, I told him I'd only go if I could wear X-Ray goggles, he asked me why?

I said to him, "I already know you're crazy, but now I can see your nuts too!"

Today marks 69 days until the US Presidential Election...

...nice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of fucking asshole would order the Secret Service to remove the Goodyear tires from the Presidential limo?

Nevermind.

I u/deadroadie am declaring my official run for presidential candidacy.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!

What do you call two clueless, old men.

Presidential Candidates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

I saw where Sanders withdrew from yet another Presidential race after he worked so hard to get where he was...

The Bern out is real

Joe Biden is very close to making a decision about a female Vice Presidential running mate.

Sources close to the matter have stated that he’s already given several of them his digits.

An oligarch, a theocrat, and two architects of the prison industrial complex walk into a bar...

Sorry, I misplaced my notes. Those are just the choices for the US Presidential election.

Millions surprised when they heard Julian Castro was dropping out of Presidential Race...

as they didn’t know he was actually running.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

So many Democratic Presidential candidates it's hard to know who to pick, but there's something about Mayor Pete...

I can really see myself getting behind him and going all-in

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential ra...

[presidential test post]

pls ignore

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

A bipolar patient, dementia patient, and narcissist walk into a club.

And the announcer says “Welcome to the first 2020 presidential debate.”

What do you eat after a presidential christmas dinner?

Impeach cobbler

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Why isn't the French presidential limousine an automatic?

Because the chauffeur only drives Emmanuel

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If that Presidential piss tape ever gets released -

It will be the most streaming leaked video of all time!

Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. “Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president,” one of them says.

“Why?” asks the second aide.



“Because then we’d only have to kiss his ring.”

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one Pence

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

The presidential limousine pulls up to Air Force One. Donald Trump steps out with a baby boar tucked under each arm.

As he’s about to board the plane, a secret service agent stops him and asks “Sir, forgive my intrusion, but what’s with the boars?”

Donald motions to one and says “I got this one for Eric,” he motions to the other, “and I got this one for Don Jr.”

The secret service agent nods in appro...

How did Trump win the Presidential Race?

He was Russian

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.

I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election

I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?

If Steve Jobs was still alive and a presidential candidate, he would have won the 2016 Election...

But let's not compare Apples to Oranges.

Why can't Trump get infected by coronavirus?

Because he has presidential immunity!

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

2016 Presidential Election

Me: I don't like Trump.

Everyone: So you support a liar like Hillary? She should be in jail!

Me: I don't like Hillary.

Everyone: So you support a racist like Trump?! He doesn't stand for American values!

Me: I don't like either.

Everyone: So you're going to waste y...

The Presidential Debate

We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

What will they play at the presidential inauguration if Republicans win?

Trump-ets

I'll see myself out

Imagine if the presidential race was an actual marathon

Then we'd really have a Kenyan in office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump goes to Japan...

One day Donald Trump goes to Japan for a diplomatic meeting. On the night of his arrival, he decides to hire a young Japanese prostitute and take her back to his hotel. The girl does not speak any English, but that doesn't stop things from getting hot 'n heavy in the Presidential Suite. Their pas...

Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?

Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!

Woohoo! Donald Trump won the presidential election!

As a Clinton voter I'm not happy that he won, just happy that I'm not Mexican

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards the presidential limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s superviso...

With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called?

Hindsight is 2020

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know,...

The presidential race between Hillary and Trump reminds me of the first AVP movie.

Whoever wins, we lose.

Who lost the American Presidential Debate?

America.

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election...

Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.

People are wondering who will win the 2016 Presidential election, but I already know who will win the next election.

That's because I've got 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a ...

A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"

The 2016 Presidential Election ended in a tie

So then president Obama decided the tie breaker would a race around the White House, with the fastest time being awarded the presidency. Bernie Sanders being the honest man he is went first, but is older and well past his physical prime, completed the race on 17 minutes 46 seconds. Trump being the n...

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

why did the 2016 presidential election suck?

It was a real Hack job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese went to a temple and asked a monk: "Who will win the United States presidential election?" The monk point his finger towards a dog shit...

The Chinese was confused and asked the monk: "Did you mean both of them are shits? Or the shittiest one will win?"

The monk replied: "It means, I don't give a shit."

Political Joke

Bernie Sanders: Hey Trump. Wanna hear a joke?

Trump: Sure

Bernie: A second presidential term

Trump: I don’t get it.

Bernie: Exactly.

*Spoiler* US Presidential Election Result Leaked

The dodgy, incompetent, unfit, slightly psychotic, rich, possibly criminal one who should 't even be in the race, wins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results from the 2016 Presidential Election are in...

Turns out no one in the fucking country voted, so President Obama took it upon himself to come up with a way to decide the next President. He told Bernie, Trump and Hillary that they would have an actual race. One lap around the White House and the fastest time would be the next Commander In Chief.<...

If you're upset about the presidential election, just wait four years

then you'll be able to choose between Trump or Kanye

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.

Donald and Hillary walk into a presidential debate.

And America walks out

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

I asked a friend in DC what it was like after the 2016 presidential election

He said it was like a man on the Titanic with a glass of whiskey, saying "well yes, I did ask for ice, but . . ."

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump

However, the stamp wasn't sticking to the envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a detailed enquiry into the matter

After weeks of testing and $ 1 million in Congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings

"The stamp is in perfe...

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

Monica Lewinsky just released a statement on the presidential candidacy of Hillary Clinton...

She was quoted as saying that she can't vote for Hillary, because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

The presidential footrace

Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.

The first US presidential debate will last for about 90 minutes.

Alternatively, that's about six coughing fits long for the Democrats or the time it takes to completely offend equal number of minority demographics for the Republicans.

There have been two presidential impeachments in the history of the United States...

One involved a Johnson from the south and some violations relating to a staff member and the other was the 1868 impeachment of Andrew Johnson.

What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?

Microphones!

Major takeaway of the USA 2016 presidential elections...

...Mexicans

If you think Hillary is going to drop out of the presidential race, you should know Hillary doesn't go down...

That's why Bill had Monica.

I decided to vote for the most presidential and least controversial person I saw on the debate last night...

So I'm going to vote for Lester Holt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I passed the presidential fitness test!

It was so much easier than last time.

All I had to do was tweet some nonsense and talk about sexually harassing my classmates!

Donald Trumps presidential codename should be Agent Orange.

I love the smell of no juan in the morning.

What do you call Trump riding the presidential plane?

Hair Force One

Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election?

Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.

I heard bad news on the way over here:the Donald Trump Presidential Library was just destroyed by fire, and, tragically, both books were a total loss.

Worse yet, he hasn't finished coloring the second one.

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

I hate this show.

It’s so poorly written. They introduce so many new characters, it’s impossible to keep track. And it seems like some of them hardly do anything, they just hang around and say, like, five lines per episode.

What’s it called? Hang on, let me check.

“Presidential debate.”

Did you know Trump nominated a deaf guy to the Presidential cabinet?

Congress confirmed him without a hearing.

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

Why did the Mayor take so long to endorse a Presidential candidate?

Because he was running on CP time.

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

Presidential clock

After dinner one night, Bill Clinton drops his pants and points at his manhood, telling Hillary if she is going to be President, she better get to know the Presidential clock. She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!"

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

So the presidential debate is tonight.

Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.

Which presidential candidate does Tom Brady support?

Whichever can reduce inflation.

Presidential monster

Remember guys, Steve Bannon is the President.
Trump is the name of his monster.

Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign?

She was let down by a weak Constitution.

I was surprised while watching the presidential debate last night...

I didn't know my TV had the comedy channel.

There are over 1000 presidential candidates...

No seriously, there [are...](http://www.fec.gov/press/resources/2016presidential_form2nm.shtml)

Some of the names are awesome and jokes themselves

^Which ^is ^why ^I ^added ^this ^to ^r/jokes

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