While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

What is the first thing an Ottawa Senator does after winning the Stanley Cup?

Turn off his Xbox.

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit.

Mitch better have my bunny.

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator?

Bernie's Handers.

Why don’t Senators use bookmarks?

They like their pages bent over.

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

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What do senators like tickled during sex?

Their SCOTUS

What do you call a light hearted romance movie staring a Senator from Utah?

A Romcomney

I tried to call my Republican Senators today...

I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

Why can’t you count on the horse senators support?

He always votes neigh

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A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President!

I'm starting to believe him.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

What did former Alabama Senator Roy Moore say about coronavirus?

It's called COVID-19, means I ain't gettin' it.

Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?

He ran unopposed.

A Republican Senator walks into a club

The bouncer asks, "We have Julie Evi here tonight. Want to stick around for the show?"

The Republican Senator promptly left, saying, "I don't want to see Evi dance."

"Look Dad! The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food!"

"Son how many times do I have to tell you? Those are called *Senators* leaving the *Capitol*"

A Black guy and a Jewish guy walk into a bar in Georgia. The bartender asks ...

"What can I get you Senators?"

"Just ice," they replied.

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

A bus full of senators and deputies crashed and felled down a cliff.

A man happened to be walking by when the accident took place.

The man immediately started to bury all the senators and deputies involved in the accident.

A few minutes later, the police showed up on site.

Cop: What happened?! Where's everyone?!

Man: I buried them.

...

Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.

Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?

Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...

Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*

Zucc: Senator I...

What kind of parasite do Senators have?

Poli-ticks.

Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

A dog runs for senator...

He has no previous experience in pawlitics

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

A senator, a chancellor, a Sith Lord, and the First Galactic Emperor walk into a restaurant.

The hostess says, “table for one?”

Senator, what's your opinion on mute people?

No comment.

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

Why does every state have 2 senators?

So that one can be the designated driver.

(overheard an old man at a garage sale telling this).

One day, some U.S. senators were discussing how best...

...to protect their constituents from predation by big businesses.

A roman senator is running late to an important senate meeting....

He arrives 15 minutes late and enters to see each seat filled, with the exception of his own, and Cicero standing in the middle of the room giving a speech.

He manages to stealthily make his way to his seat without causing too much of a commotion and leans over to the senator next to him, ask...

Senator Duckworth might become the first senator to give birth in office

I don't know why she wouldn't rather do it in the hospital though

So an Evangelical Republican Senator goes in for a prostate exam...

The doctor gives him a clean bill of health, and sends him on his way. He returns a week later to get a second opinion. Another doctor confirms the first's findings. He comes back for a *third* rectal examination, swearing something is amiss, only to once again be given a clean bill of health. On th...

Most senators are like the needles of a cactus

They're pricks

An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...

His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.

Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go ...

Why did the Senator get on Viagara?

He wanted to achieve erection reform.

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

Bill Gates was being carried around the WhiteHouse by many Senators.

Asked them what was going on?


They said they were passing the bill.

What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator?

The encyclopedia has a spine.

(Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski)

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

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Each 2020 hopeful Presidential candidate was asked to reveal their private reddit account to prove their values.

Bernie Sanders was insisting that the top 1% of reddit had way too many coins and wanted to force them to share gold more often.

Pete Buttigieg basically followed all of Bernie's posts and talked trash.

Joe Biden was just crossposting old posts of Obama's and saying how awesome they we...

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

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Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

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A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

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