I tried to call my Republican Senators today...

I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Why can’t you count on the horse senators support?

He always votes neigh

When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President!

I'm starting to believe him.

What did former Alabama Senator Roy Moore say about coronavirus?

It's called COVID-19, means I ain't gettin' it.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

A Republican Senator walks into a club

The bouncer asks, "We have Julie Evi here tonight. Want to stick around for the show?"

The Republican Senator promptly left, saying, "I don't want to see Evi dance."

Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?

He ran unopposed.

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

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A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

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A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

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Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a pro...

A senator, a chancellor, a Sith Lord, and the First Galactic Emperor walk into a restaurant.

The hostess says, “table for one?”

What kind of parasite do Senators have?

Poli-ticks.

I miss Hockey, so I decided to watch C-SPAN.

It's a decent substitute.

After all, like in the NHL, the Senators suck.

Senator, what's your opinion on mute people?

No comment.

Roman Emperor Caligula actually made his favorite horse a senator.

Guy didn’t pass a single motion.

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

A bus full of senators and deputies crashed and felled down a cliff.

A man happened to be walking by when the accident took place.

The man immediately started to bury all the senators and deputies involved in the accident.

A few minutes later, the police showed up on site.

Cop: What happened?! Where's everyone?!

Man: I buried them.

...

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

Why does every state have 2 senators?

So that one can be the designated driver.

(overheard an old man at a garage sale telling this).

Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.

Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?

Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...

Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*

Zucc: Senator I...

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

One day, some U.S. senators were discussing how best...

...to protect their constituents from predation by big businesses.

A dog runs for senator...

He has no previous experience in pawlitics

Senator Duckworth might become the first senator to give birth in office

I don't know why she wouldn't rather do it in the hospital though

Most senators are like the needles of a cactus

They're pricks

a women goes to seek out advice about her husband's hearing, as the situation seems to be getting progressively worse she's increasingly worried about him

"He'll be fine don't worry mam, he's in good hands"

assured the senator.

So an Evangelical Republican Senator goes in for a prostate exam...

The doctor gives him a clean bill of health, and sends him on his way. He returns a week later to get a second opinion. Another doctor confirms the first's findings. He comes back for a *third* rectal examination, swearing something is amiss, only to once again be given a clean bill of health. On th...

A roman senator is running late to an important senate meeting....

He arrives 15 minutes late and enters to see each seat filled, with the exception of his own, and Cicero standing in the middle of the room giving a speech.

He manages to stealthily make his way to his seat without causing too much of a commotion and leans over to the senator next to him, ask...

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

Bill Gates was being carried around the WhiteHouse by many Senators.

Asked them what was going on?


They said they were passing the bill.

What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator?

The encyclopedia has a spine.

(Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski)

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...

His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.

Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go ...

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

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While visiting England, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen...

... He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.


"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."


She phones Sadiq Khan and s...

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What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has sex with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

The Egg

I'm utterly opposed to any form of egg cracking on anyone's head and I totally condemn the act of the underage violent vigilante who cracked an egg on senators head. However with that being said what it highlights is the endless distribution and importing of eggs all around the world. Rising fear of...

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The front page should be marked as NSFW

With all these senator assholes popping up I might as well be on a porn site

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC...

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

 

Although Hillary was vague a...

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When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

It may not be "politically correct" to say this...

...but there are over one million U.S Senators.

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