UPJOKE
legislatureclintonsenategovernorelectionreelectionroman senatecongressmanrepublicanparliamentlegislatordemocracydemocratkerrymccain

Where does Senator Josh Hawley do his shopping?

At the flee market.

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.

When it’s done, he asks the barber how much he owes.

“All free, friend. I consider it a service to God”.

The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest.

Presently, a po...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

“Me and my fellow wheelchair users are appalled this congress voted down the wheelchair accessibility bill,” the senator exclaimed.

“We will not stand for this.”

What do you call an incompetent lawyer?

Senator

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

What is the first thing an Ottawa Senator does after winning the Stanley Cup?

Turn off his Xbox.

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit.

Mitch better have my bunny.

What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator?

Bernie's Handers.

A roman soldier was guarding a crossroads when Senator Churry approached.

"Do you know the way to the Coliseum?", asked Churry.

The soldier pointed straight ahead.

After that, the Roman sent Churry on.

Speeding Pope

A guy gets a job as a high profile chauffeur and his first assignment is to pick up the Pope from the airport.
"You know," begins the Pope, "they never let me drive myself back at the Vatican. What do you say I drive a few blocks then you can take over?"
After arguing for a while, the chauffeu...

Why doesn’t Senator Mitch McConnell wear a helmet when he rides his motorcycle?

‘Cause he is naturally triple chin strapped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

What do you call a light hearted romance movie staring a Senator from Utah?

A Romcomney

Why don’t Senators use bookmarks?

They like their pages bent over.

What did former Alabama Senator Roy Moore say about coronavirus?

It's called COVID-19, means I ain't gettin' it.

A Service

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of...

When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President!

I'm starting to believe him.

Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?

He ran unopposed.

A Republican Senator walks into a club

The bouncer asks, "We have Julie Evi here tonight. Want to stick around for the show?"

The Republican Senator promptly left, saying, "I don't want to see Evi dance."

I tried to call my Republican Senators today...

I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do senators like tickled during sex?

Their SCOTUS

A dog runs for senator...

He has no previous experience in pawlitics

Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.

Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?

Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...

Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*

Zucc: Senator I...

Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol...

security comes to him and says "you can't park your bike here. Don't you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?"

the guy says "oh don't worry, I've chained my bike!"

Senator, what's your opinion on mute people?

No comment.

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

Why can’t you count on the horse senators support?

He always votes neigh

A senator, a chancellor, a Sith Lord, and the First Galactic Emperor walk into a restaurant.

The hostess says, “table for one?”

Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?

Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.

A roman senator is running late to an important senate meeting....

He arrives 15 minutes late and enters to see each seat filled, with the exception of his own, and Cicero standing in the middle of the room giving a speech.

He manages to stealthily make his way to his seat without causing too much of a commotion and leans over to the senator next to him, ask...

The Florists wife was Rose

The weatherman’s wife was May

The bankers wife was Penny

And the senators wife was Peggy.

So an Evangelical Republican Senator goes in for a prostate exam...

The doctor gives him a clean bill of health, and sends him on his way. He returns a week later to get a second opinion. Another doctor confirms the first's findings. He comes back for a *third* rectal examination, swearing something is amiss, only to once again be given a clean bill of health. On th...

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...

His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.

Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go ...

When he heard that John McCain wanted to keep President Trump away from his funeral, Senator Orrin Hatch was criticized for saying "That's ridiculous". Senator, the appropriate response in that situation is....

"Hey, it's your funeral".

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

Senator Duckworth might become the first senator to give birth in office

I don't know why she wouldn't rather do it in the hospital though

A bus full of senators and deputies crashed and felled down a cliff.

A man happened to be walking by when the accident took place.

The man immediately started to bury all the senators and deputies involved in the accident.

A few minutes later, the police showed up on site.

Cop: What happened?! Where's everyone?!

Man: I buried them.

...

Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

Why does every state have 2 senators?

So that one can be the designated driver.

(overheard an old man at a garage sale telling this).

What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator?

The encyclopedia has a spine.

(Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski)

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

What kind of parasite do Senators have?

Poli-ticks.

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

One day, some U.S. senators were discussing how best...

...to protect their constituents from predation by big businesses.

A Black guy and a Jewish guy walk into a bar in Georgia. The bartender asks ...

"What can I get you Senators?"

"Just ice," they replied.

Most senators are like the needles of a cactus

They're pricks

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

Bill Gates was being carried around the WhiteHouse by many Senators.

Asked them what was going on?


They said they were passing the bill.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.