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The speaker at a horror conference asks the audience...

"Do you like ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Have you ever seen a ghost?"

"Yes," half the room says.

"Have you ever talked to a ghost?"

"Yes," a few people say.

"Have you ever shagged a ghost...

Old joke for the Urdu/Hindi speakers: What did one banana say to the other?

"Marry me, I'm a-kayla."

(Kayla = banana)
(Akayla = alone)

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

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My friend bought a loud speaker

He suddenly played a beat drop ass song.


I screamed.


He asked, "What's wrong?"


I said "It hertz."

Jumping on the bandwagon: I wanna see if this Spanish joke is as funny to English speakers.

Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

A. Bilingual

Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?

A. Trilingual

Q. What do you call someone who speaks many languages?

A. Polyglot

Q. What do you call someone who speaks one language?...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me... are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

"Sure, go ahead if you really like it."

"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealershi...

A couple years ago, I was scheduled to be the keynote speaker at a dyslexia convention in Los Angeles.

As I prepared for my speech, I wrote some notes and jokes on an index card. Most of the jokes came from r/Jokes.

Unfortunately, I was in a car accident the day before the convention, and I ended up in the Emergency Room. They took such good care of me that I was ready to give my speech the ne...

I finally named my favorite speaker today

Sir Round Sound

As a non-native speaker, I have to say, sorry about the bad English

That I'm about to get in replies from the native born speakers.

What do English speakers yell when they're on a rollercoaster?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

What do Spanish speakers yell when they're on a roller coaster?

Nosotros!!!!!

A Dutch speaker and a German speakerwalk into a bar

They get extremely drunk and then two Dutch speakers walk out

We should say “mucho” to all spanish speakers in this sub

it means a lot to them for sure.

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

I test microphones and speakers for a living...

Let me know if anyone has any feedback.

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because the change starts with you.

What does the speaker say to the dog when they first meet?

"Sup, woofer!"

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

I was attending a ceremony at a graphite convention, with multiple speakers. To my surprise, I was invited to give a speech of my own.

I took the microphone from one of the speakers. Oozing confidence, I shouted, “8B.”



The crowd erupted in applause. I handed the microphone back to the speaker and they told me,


“That was very bold of you to say.”

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells o...

Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now it’s syncing.

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

A man just tried to sell me a speaker with no volume controls.

I couldn't turn it down.

A flat earther snuck into a physics seminar

While the speaker was giving speech on recent development about gravity, flat earther shouted


" Why do you even think that gravity is real? "



Speaker dropped the mic.

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

[NSFW] My night has been terrible, I blew a speaker in my house.

He said he was a motivational speaker, but all he did was leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Keeping the job

As a non-native English speaker, although I am speaking English relatively well and I know how to do my job, I had difficulty finding and keeping a job. Turns out there is a huge difference between 'hard working', 'hardly working' and 'hard at work'.

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An old Indian joke. Hope it wasn’t posted before!

A man enters a scientific convention on a whim and there he hears the speaker raising a question to the audience.

“What is the fastest thing known to man?”

The scholars decide to give different answers based on their area of expertise.

The philosopher knowing they can defend t...

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times...

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

Boo me all you like, I just made it up.

I was at the local library trying to find a specific sound for my video project; that of a displeased audience. I was repeatedly listening to a variety of samples through the miniature speakers on the desk.

Unbeknownst to me, a lady who was sat at the desk in the next cubicle was growing irr...

A broken English speaker told a joke to a boy.

The broken English speaker, a man, told the boy a joke about a sword-fighting pirate that desperately hated the wind.

However, the boy, being so young, missed the joke.

“No, no, no,” said the man. “Arr slash whoosh.”

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I'm not native speaker, how would you rate this ?

A student is taking the chemistry class. The subject is acids and bases. An another student can't figure out whether NH3 is an acid or a base. The student tells him "Oh, it's so basic! How can't you know that ?"


Or should I say, is it a proper joke ?

One for the French speakers

A Frenchman was beating me with bread.
Oh, the pain!

What do you call a group of motivational speakers?

A fleece.

Band most likely to be blasted out of the speakers at your local beehive?

Pollen Oates

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Did you hear the Speaker of Parliament was in a car crash?

He was really fucked up, eyes to the right, nose to the left

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

The same image comes to most people's heads when someone say speakers.

Stop with the stereotypes.

Engineer professors on a plane...

A plane full of engineering professors were planned to go to a convention. As the professors are placed in their seats, the captain speaks in the loud speakers. "Hello everyone, and welcome to our flight. Before take-off I just want you all to know, this airplane has been built by all of your very ...

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

What do Spanish speakers say when they find someone illegally crossing their land?

This is bad. Alexa play trespassito.

A guy goes to the doctor and gets diagnosed with yellow 158 he is told he has a week to live. His wife asks him what he would like to do. He says he would like to go to the bingo as hes never tried it. His wife says ok darling if thats your wish.

First game he plays he gets house and wins a large sum of money and an entertainment system. Wins house in second game and wins a new car. The next day he visits the bingo again and wins house again and the same the next day. On his next visit he wins again and the speaker asks him up to the microph...

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A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

People say I should be a motivational speaker,

But I don't have the motivation.

What language has the least number of speakers?

Sign language.

Help! I think I broke my phone's speaker! All I did was convert my normal rap playlist into an emo rap playlist.

Now all I can hear is a Lil Peep.

Tesla has announced an Alexa speaker.

It is supposed to be quite elonquent.

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

There are two types of speakers in this world

People who finish their sentences.

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

What's the similarity between a latin speaker and a necrophiliac?

They both appreciate a dead tongue.

Presidents

Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:

– We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits - saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud ...

– Here, In Russia, when P...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference, and checks into his hotel. Having caught laryngitis a few days before, he sets out down Main St. looking for a doctor's office. It's a small town on a Friday afternoon so he is worried he won't find anyone to treat him, and that he won't be able ...

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

Problems of Bein a non-native English speaker

The problem with being a non native English speaker is, that your brain sometimes just sucks up random words and you then use them later without really having a proper intestinal lining of said words. You just hope you used them correctly.

My math teacher invented a Bluetooth speaker, made entirely out of wood...

He called it a logarythm

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Why did the blind, non-native English speaker fall in the well?

He couldn’t see that good.

I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

If the French always say "hon hon" then what do Canadian French speakers say?

"Honk honk"

Non english speakers, translate the best joke you have from your language. Other redditors will have to guess from what country the joke is.

Obviously, names and places will have to be translated too.

THE FLOOD

This one of my all time favorites... can’t remember where I heard it.

There was a religious man who lived by a river. One day a sheriffs deputy came by and said to him, “There’s a flood coming. You want to get to higher ground.” The man replied, “Thank you officer, but I trust in the Lord. HE...

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I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

From 1973 to 2002, Georgia politician Tom Murphy served as speaker of the Georgia House of Representatives

One day, Republican Congresswoman Anne Mueller rose to speak. She noticed, however, that her microphone was turned off. She said "Mr. Speaker, will you please turn me on?"

Murphy replied: "Thirty years ago, I would have tried."

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An american was invited to a conference in France as a speaker.

He was not speaking French at all but being a smart guy and wanting to impress the audience he learns by heart his entire speech in French.

When his moment come, he goes on the stage and realizes he completely forgot the introduction. So he looks around the room and notices the toilets in the...

Why do Spanish-speakers only use the fire extinguisher when they burn the cheese?

Because they were told, “only use in queso emergency”

How do Spanish Speakers like to cut their pizza?

With little ceasars.

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I once watched porn with no sound

After fifteen minutes, my dad returned my blue tooth speaker

An English speaker, a French speaker, a Spanish speaker, and a German speaker are in a park...

... when a man stands up on a table in front of them and asks if they can see him.
They all nod and say:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

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One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

A black guy stole the speakers out of my car.

Stereotypical

Donald Trump is attending a baseball game with Melania.

The game is about to start, and the speaker makes an announcement. Suddenly Donald grabs Melania and throws her off the balcony.

After a few seconds of silence, the speaker comes on again:

"No, Mr President, I said throw the first PITCH"

why are chemists bad public speakers?

because almost every element in their speech ends with um

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

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Don’t forget the coffee!

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know wha...

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Victoria's Secret recently invented a bra that contains Bluetooth speakers ...

... because so many women had complained that men stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.

English speakers yell "yes" or "yeah" when excited. Spanish speakers yell "sí"....

...French speakers sound like they're going down rollercoasters.

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A motivational speaker talks about getting what you want

A motivational speaker has a crowd all riled up. "If you want sweets,", he says, "buy a sweets shop. If you want to lose weight, just lose weight! Whatever you want, just take it!"

After wrapping up and getting ready to leave, he pauses at the parking lot. "Who took my *fucking* motorcycle...

I bought some new speakers today......

I think I made a sound investment.

"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

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True Story, conference speakers tale.

3 day conference wednesday to friday, 9-6pm, 60 speakers, several hundred in attendance. Our guy draws the 5pm friday slot.
Walks in 5 mins before as the crowd is emptying out from the previous talk. Starts setting up the computer, looks up, just one guy left sitting in the front, rest of the ha...

What do you call it when a puppy and a speaker have a baby?

A sub woofer

A motivational speaker retired due to depression

He discovered he had B Negative blood

I hooked up a new stereo system in my car. I realized later i put in 2 diffrent speakers!

Damn. Wrong sub.

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