UPJOKE
loudspeakertalkeroratortweeterspeechspeaker systemstorytellerspeechmakerparliamentsenatecandidatelawmakeraideleaderchamber

A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker

"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"

An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his fac...

The new Itit a speaker breast implant.

It will finally solve the problem of men starring at women's breast and not listening to them.

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped b...

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

As I helped my friend with some speaker equipment, he asked "Will this make a sound if I unplug it?" I smiled as a wave of nostalgia hit me square in the heart. "What's up?" my friend asked, noticing my change in demeanor.

"That's the last thing I said to my grandma."

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.

Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.

He finally arrived apologizing profusely.

Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."

Host: "It's about time."

Einstein: "And space!"

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

How do you know someone with excellent English isn't a native speaker?

They apologize for their bad English.

(Inspired by seeing an example on this sub.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Argument in the Israeli parliament.

The Israeli parliament, called the Knesset, is known for its often heated and passionate debates.

One day, during a particularly vicious debate, a highly frustrated lawmaker strode to the rostrum and banged his fist down and screamed, "Half the people here are bastards!" He then angrily went ...

What would you call Dobby, the house elf, if he were a really good speaker?

Dolby.

How does a pirate set up a Bluetooth speaker?

Parrot with his phone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

What do Spanish speakers scream on a roller-coaster?

Nosotros...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Laptop Speakers! Too quiet for music ...

Yet too loud for porn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex conventions keynote speaker was asked to talk about reproduction

He stands up, says ‘It gives me great pleasure…”, and sits back down.

It’s been a nightmare trying to find a keynote speaker for our first ever Impostor Syndrome conference..

Everyone I’ve asked has told me that they don’t deserve to be there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The true story of an amazing cock-up [NSFW]

This was told to me as a true story.

There was a cardiology conference in the US, and the keynote speaker was a distinguished Scottish surgeon, Dr. Cockburn.

When it was nearly time for his keynote speech, the M.C. was introduced to him.

"Frank, I wanted to introduce you to our ...

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

What do English speakers yell when they're on a rollercoaster?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!


What do Spanish speakers yell when they're on a roller coaster?


Nosotros!!!!!

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lecture during the siege has been arrested.

His lawyer said that at the trial he won’t be taking the stand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Ohio scientist goes to Japan for a press conference as the main speaker.

However, he was not informed that the press conference wasn't in English. The translator was there, but there were many moments of laughter among the audience when he translated for the scientist. When he inquired, the translator did not give any reason.

After the press conference and coming ...

One day in heaven

\[Pre: I'm not a native English speaker and the joke is actually from germany. Hope he survives translation\]

One day Peter walks through the heavens and passes by the pearly gates when he hears someone knocking. He opens the gate and a guy stands outside with some heavy bruises, torn clothes...

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?

Elf.

Not for profit

A receptionist for a large nonprofit organization answered the telephone politely with the usual greeting and a man said “Let me speak with the dumb SOB that runs that place.” The receptionist, sort of taken aback says “Sir, we are a well known charitable organization, and if you wish to speak with ...

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The speaker at a horror conference asks the audience...

"Do you like ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Have you ever seen a ghost?"

"Yes," half the room says.

"Have you ever talked to a ghost?"

"Yes," a few people say.

"Have you ever shagged a ghost...

I blew a speaker in my car today..

It was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot better about myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

At a corporate party…

The director of HR stood up and said “If anyone has any comments or anything they’d like to say please come up to the microphone”

An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room...

I heard Mia Khalifa is interested in becoming a public speaker

When asked why, Mia Khalifa said "I want people to care more about what comes out of my mouth than what goes in it."

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend bought a loud speaker

He suddenly played a beat drop ass song.


I screamed.


He asked, "What's wrong?"


I said "It hertz."

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

As a non-native speaker, I have to say, sorry about the bad English

That I'm about to get in replies from the native born speakers.

I finally named my favorite speaker today

Sir Round Sound

How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because the change starts with you.

A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.


The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

So, I bought these ceiling mounted speakers...

When I glanced over the instruction manual it read: “Screwing up is Mandatory”

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

A Dutch speaker and a German speakerwalk into a bar

They get extremely drunk and then two Dutch speakers walk out

My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

native spanish speakers: our language has existed for over 1500 years and is the second-most spoken on earth

**taco bell:** cool... well we made up some new words for y’all

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was on this plane right, and the pilot does his normal deal, well when he was done he didn't turn off the speaker, and he turns to his Co pilot and goes...

"ya know what I could go for, a good blowjob and a coffee", well the flight attendant goes running to the front of the plane, and as she ran by I said "Hey sweetheart you forgot the coffee!"

What does the speaker say to the dog when they first meet?

"Sup, woofer!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not native speaker, how would you rate this ?

A student is taking the chemistry class. The subject is acids and bases. An another student can't figure out whether NH3 is an acid or a base. The student tells him "Oh, it's so basic! How can't you know that ?"


Or should I say, is it a proper joke ?

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Motivational speakers: Say "I will" instead of "I wish"

Me: I will my parents loved me

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the Speaker of Parliament was in a car crash?

He was really fucked up, eyes to the right, nose to the left

People say I should be a motivational speaker,

But I don't have the motivation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

Problems of Bein a non-native English speaker

The problem with being a non native English speaker is, that your brain sometimes just sucks up random words and you then use them later without really having a proper intestinal lining of said words. You just hope you used them correctly.

Band most likely to be blasted out of the speakers at your local beehive?

Pollen Oates

Non english speakers, translate the best joke you have from your language. Other redditors will have to guess from what country the joke is.

Obviously, names and places will have to be translated too.

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

What language has the least number of speakers?

Sign language.

Food Coma….

A health forum speaker asks, “Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it.”

After a long silence, an old man answered,

“Wedding Cake”…….

What's the similarity between a latin speaker and a necrophiliac?

They both appreciate a dead tongue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

18000 feet

Distress at 18,000 feet.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower's landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone a...

Why did the blind, non-native English speaker fall in the well?

He couldn’t see that good.

I just blew a speaker in my car.

He said he was motivational.

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol...

security comes to him and says "you can't park your bike here. Don't you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?"

the guy says "oh don't worry, I've chained my bike!"

Help! I think I broke my phone's speaker! All I did was convert my normal rap playlist into an emo rap playlist.

Now all I can hear is a Lil Peep.

Tesla has announced an Alexa speaker.

It is supposed to be quite elonquent.

I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

One for the French speakers

A Frenchman was beating me with bread.
Oh, the pain!

a well known political speaker decides to become a magician

his name is bench appearo

What do you call a group of motivational speakers?

A fleece.

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference, and checks into his hotel. Having caught laryngitis a few days before, he sets out down Main St. looking for a doctor's office. It's a small town on a Friday afternoon so he is worried he won't find anyone to treat him, and that he won't be able ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A motivational speaker talks about getting what you want

A motivational speaker has a crowd all riled up. "If you want sweets,", he says, "buy a sweets shop. If you want to lose weight, just lose weight! Whatever you want, just take it!"

After wrapping up and getting ready to leave, he pauses at the parking lot. "Who took my *fucking* motorcycle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An american was invited to a conference in France as a speaker.

He was not speaking French at all but being a smart guy and wanting to impress the audience he learns by heart his entire speech in French.

When his moment come, he goes on the stage and realizes he completely forgot the introduction. So he looks around the room and notices the toilets in the...

A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination j...

I bought some new speakers today......

I think I made a sound investment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Victoria's Secret recently invented a bra that contains Bluetooth speakers ...

... because so many women had complained that men stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

A motivational speaker retired due to depression

He discovered he had B Negative blood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bad time in hell

This really bad guy, eventually died and went to hell, in hell, in hell, the devil appeared in front of the guy

Devil: I see that you are now in hell, I have 5 doors wich you can choose, once you enter, there is no way of coming back, and you will be destined to spent eternity inside

*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

[From a speaker at my college the other day] Well, my father was a roofer, and I'd like to dedicate this to him.

So, dad, if you're up there... *points up*

If the French always say "hon hon" then what do Canadian French speakers say?

"Honk honk"

What do the Italians refer to the speaker of their church as?

The pasta.

A speaker has been a speech for six hours...

Finally, already feeling tired, he says:

"Excuse me, friends, perhaps I talked too extensively. Sadly I don't have a clock with me."

A voice from the hall replies: "No problem. There's a calendar hanging behind you."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.