The woman business executive that went on a fishing trip....

...with 10 male business colleagues. They didn’t catch anything but she came back with a red snapper.

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

One day while walking down the street, a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and died.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure...

The quick thinking executive

To surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

Why did the Pepsi executive get fired?

He tested positive for Coke.

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A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

A millennial walks into an executives office

The millennial says "Sir i would like a job."
The executive replies "Really.... How about $100k a year, corner office and a company car."
The millennial says "WOW YOU MUST BE JOKING!"

The executive says "yes, but you started it."

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An executive was in a quandary.

He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to two people, Mary and Jack. It was a hard decision to make as they were both equally qualified, and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Mary came ...

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

“It’s up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong,” said the first executive. “Agreed,” exclaimed the second. “You teach her what’s right.”

Why did the Helsinki-based executive travel for work?

He had some un-Finnish business.

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, a...

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

To provide himself with a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

Two marketing executives were discussing what to call the new advertising signs that were being installed along the highway.

VP Phil: Let's call them Philboards

CEO Bill: I've just had a great idea!

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A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Sure," the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, e...

An Amazon executive walks into a Whole Foods

It's his first time there, and he wants to see what all the hype is about.

The executive goes shopping for his normal every day needs, and even picks out a couple extra things that stood out to him for an impulse buy.

The executive goes to the counter to check out, and the clerk rings ...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need:
"We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of us. They just go down to one of these big box stores and buy whatever bra...

How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

Donald Trump has just signed ANOTHER executive order

it's about foreign birds of prey. the order states that any bird, specifically eagles, who have some sort of illness like flu will not be allowed to enter the country.

Trump has labelled them -
ILL EAGLE IMMIGRANTS

Why couldn't the CNN executive kill himself?

Because he had a fake noose.

What is a Telecom Executives favourite finishing move?

A Cream Pai

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How do you catch a Hollywood executive?

A boobie trap.

A marketing executive walks into a bar

I guess it was set too low.

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The executive is overworked and decide to take some time off and visit his farmer cousins...

The executive is overworked getting stressed and decide to take some time off from work and visit his cousins who live in a farm in the country side.
He calls his cousin who is more than happy to have him over since they haven't seen each other in years.
When the executive gets there he no...

Trump signs executive order banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese

He wants to make America Grate Again.

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USS Placentia

His ship's compliment stood at attention on the dock. The boat, a Virginia class submarine in the United States Navy floated behind him, the sail, blocking out the sun as rose in the east. Captain Johnson stepped onto the dais and walked up to the microphone to addressed his crew.

"Men, I'm...

What do you call a bunch of chimpanzees who run a children's tv studio?

Nickelodeon executives

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First Executive Order:

All pornstars must now be blonde.

Car company executives must have the best memories in the world

because GM recalls everything.

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It's an XO (Navy Executive Officer)'s last day before retirement...

...and the Captain comes up to him and tells him that upon finishing his nightly duties, he is to inventory everything on the entire ship and have it on the Captain's desk by the next morning at 0700.

The XO grins widely and says "Aye aye, sir!"

The Captain looks at him for a moment an...

What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth?

Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.

What do a hillbilly and a nepotist blackberry executive have in common?

They both give their relatives rim jobs.

One morning, a business executive showed up to work wearing an earing on one ear.

His shocked co-worker proceeded "When did you start wearing an earing"
"Since my wife found this one in my car" the executive replied.

Dollar pints

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try ...

What's the favorite dairy product of Wall Street executives?

1% milk

Q: What do small businesses cry when account executives harass them for money?

A: Yelp!

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

Over the ...

Why was Santa forced to shut his grotto?

He was being investigated by the Elf and Safety Executive.


Only 341 days 'til Christmas!

A worker was on a billboard.

He was putting up a new ad for the restaurant below it. This restaurant had come up with a clever new ad campaign and the worker was proud to be a part of it.

However, people started yelling at the worker from the ground, complaining that he was doing the restaurant a disservice with the ad h...

A Blonde and a Bank

A blonde walks into a high-end bank in New York City and requests a personal loan of $5,000 for her trip to Europe for two weeks. The loan officer explains that they'll need collateral for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her Rolls Royce along with showing the title as proof of ownersh...

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

Later that night, the three started talking...

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

Five cannibals

Five cannibals are hired as employees in a company.
Their first day at the company the boss tells them:
- Now you are part of the group, here you earn well, and if you are hungry you can go to the company canteen. So please, do not bother other employees!
The cannibals promise not to distur...

As Dyslexic VP frustrated by having multiple bosses,

I don't get why I was fired when I suggested to the Chief Executive to get the FOC out of my business.

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Low tech enlightenment

A young tech executive is strolling through his business campus to stretch his limbs and get some air. He sits on a bench to relax, and pulls out his phone. Distracted, he looks up to notice an elderly Buddhist monk has sat down next to him.

He nods greeting and looks back to his phone, scrol...

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

Reddit's website was down yesterday.

And nobody had any idea what to do. There were no profits to be made while Reddit was down. Most of the workers had either gone home or were sitting at their desks doing nothing. The executives started losing it. They had already lost several thousand dollars of ad revenue from a lack of clicks. The...

Gotta reduce our costs

After the Wall Street crisis, this executive got a got smaller bonus, so he comes home to his 5th avenue duplex and says to his wife:

- Honey, times are tough now, so if you could learn how to clean and cook, we could get rid of the maid and the cook and save money.

- great idea! Now i...

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter

Made a fool of himself via Twitter

*"Please stop!"* they entreated

But in answer he Tweeted

*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

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New CEO

The board of directors at one company decided to hire new executive staff in order to increase the company's profits. The new CEO was a very tough guy who made it his mission to rid the company of slackers. One time he notices a guy in the hallway leaning against the wall picking his nose. As there ...

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My dad explained the working world to me this way :

Imagine everyone are birds on hanging wires. The birds on different levels of overhead hanging electrical wires are a representation of positions of power in a company.

Birds on the highest level are your CEOs. Likewise, as the levels decrease, so do the positions. The lower levels contain th...

A guy claims his dog can talk...

A guy brings his dog into the NBC network building looking for a TV show for his talking dog. He says to the executive...

Guy: "Hey, I have here a talking dog! He can have a full conversation with anybody! Watch this, hey boy! What's on the top of a house?"

Dog: "Rouf"

Guy: ...

Have you ever seen the serial number that is printed on every condom?

No? Oh, you must not have needed to unroll it that far...

Full disclosure: I searched and although this joke is definitely a repost, it's been about a year since the last time so I took an executive decision to post it again.

The taxman . . .

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little...

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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar.

Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal.”

Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: ...

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Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman sold...

Why I didn't get the job...

I applied for an executive position at a major corporation. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line!

"Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But the...

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Balls INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middl...

A Business Man Walks Into A Bar

An attractive 30something business man walks into a bar. You know the type. Well dressed with a suit and tie, briefcase, power hair, the typical young business executive with power.

He sits down at the bar and the bartender approaches.

"I'll take a beer" says the man.

The bar...

Twisted Tyke

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss a...

Quality Control.

Vice Executive: We really should stop testing our products on children?


Senior Executive: If we didn't test our products on these poor kids, how would we truly know if they are fit for purpose, it's just quality control.


Vice Executive: But Sir, we manufacture landmines!.

Catholics will get it :-)

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking,...

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This joke was recently voted best in Finland.

It's a pretty new and modern one, but it's still funny:

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with teams of 8. Both teams trained hard and long. On the day of the competition, both teams thought themselves to be in top condition, but the Japanese wo...

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A man is on a business trip in Japan

On his first night, he decides he wants to hire a prostitute, so he goes out and finds the best he can, with his limited Japanese.

He brings her back to his hotel room, and the entire time the two of them are going at it, she is screaming "Ana ga chigau! Ana ga chigau!" He, of course, couldn'...

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

"You know, in some st...

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The secret service found a dildo in the Oval Office

Signing off on another executive order.

Trolley conductor

There is a town, in this town there is a massive trolley business. They have the best trolleys and they make the most money. They make their money by not paying people very much, people like George.

George was a trolley conductor for many years and he lived paycheck to paycheck. Part of his j...

Reading between the lines.

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. ...

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A gallon of chocolate ice cream

A heavy set woman walks into an ice cream store and orders a gallon of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says "ma'am, i'm so sorry, but we just ran out of chocolate."
Now this heavy set woman is an executive-type, and she is hungry and in a hurry, she says "Look asshole, give me a h...

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Several months

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finall...

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How many does it take?

How many union carpenters does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a fuckin electricians job

How many union electricians does it take to change a light bulb? 12, you got a fuckin problem with that?

How many corporate executives does it take to change a light bulb? 2 one to mix...

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Topical Jokes for April

(didn't post the last batch, so here's all of the recent ones)

4/28
Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop.

Billionaire Richa...

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