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Executive Jokes

Why did the Pepsi executive get fired?

He tested positive for Coke.

To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

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Why does the wife of a peanut butter executive hate sleeping with her husband

Because he cums in a jiffy

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

A top Honda executive was told to resign or be fired amidst a scandal

After much consideration, she decided to leave by her own Accord.

David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

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The SEC has fined two executives for having a threesome with a prostitute.

While such matters are usually out of their jurisdiction, this was a case of inside her trading.

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out! Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

Indian motorcycles hired an outside accountant to figure out their declining revenue. the board of directors required all C-level executives to attend the reporting. He found that the executives were overpaid limiting production.

In summary: too many Chiefs not enough Indians.

Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?

None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.

An Amazon executive walks into a Whole Foods

It's his first time there, and he wants to see what all the hype is about.

The executive goes shopping for his normal every day needs, and even picks out a couple extra things that stood out to him for an impulse buy.

The executive goes to the counter to check out, and the clerk rings ...

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An executive was in a quandary.

He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to two people, Mary and Jack. It was a hard decision to make as they were both equally qualified, and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Mary came ...

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, a...

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A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Sure," the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, e...

The taxman . . .

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little...

Why did the boardroom executives have slabs of meat in their hands?

They were all stakeholders.

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell.

When he got there,he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly longline, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell.

So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"<...

While interviewing a potential client, the executive switched on his intercom and commanded:

"Get my broker on the telephone."
"Yes, sir", responded his secretary, "stock or pawn?"

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First Executive Order:

All pornstars must now be blonde.

One day while walking down the street, a highly successful executive was tragically hit by a bus and died.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure...

Trump signs executive order banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese

He wants to make America Grate Again.

The woman business executive that went on a fishing trip....

...with 10 male business colleagues. They didn’t catch anything but she came back with a red snapper.

Why did the Helsinki-based executive travel for work?

He had some un-Finnish business.

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How do you catch a Hollywood executive?

A boobie trap.

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

Later that night, the three started talking...

A marketing executive walks into a bar

I guess it was set too low.

Three engineers and three executives are on a train going to a convention.

The business men each buy three tickets and the engineers buy a single ticket.

The executives start snickering, "how are the three of you going to stay on the train with just one ticket?"

"Watch", says one of the engineers, and the three of them pile into one of the bathrooms.

...

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

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It's an XO (Navy Executive Officer)'s last day before retirement...

...and the Captain comes up to him and tells him that upon finishing his nightly duties, he is to inventory everything on the entire ship and have it on the Captain's desk by the next morning at 0700.

The XO grins widely and says "Aye aye, sir!"

The Captain looks at him for a moment an...

A millennial walks into an executives office

The millennial says "Sir i would like a job."
The executive replies "Really.... How about $100k a year, corner office and a company car."
The millennial says "WOW YOU MUST BE JOKING!"

The executive says "yes, but you started it."

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

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