How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

Why do Republicans always get more done?

Because they're always Russian.

Did you hear that Republicans finally found an appropriate movement to protest Coronavirus?

It’s called The No Lives Matter Movement.

What is the favorite drink of the Republican Party?

White Whine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you bring a Republican to their knees?

Paint your dick orange.

I can tell instantly if you are a Democrat or Republican

What does WWF stand for?

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

OVERHEARD: "My father was a Republican until the day he died..

Then he became a Democrat."

Republicans are trying to put an ammendment into relief bill to outlaw prepackaged shredded cheese...

...in an attempt to make America grate again.

Why don't Republicans like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Republicans don't like any witnesses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Republicans are at a bar

The first Republican says, "You know who I really like? I know she's a Democrat, but that Tulsi Gabbard is hot. Mm-mm-mm."

And the second one says, "She is, but she's got nothing on Ivanka. Beautiful face, gorgeous body, great big perfect tits. I'd fuck her. Would you fuck her?"

And th...

Democratic Party and Republican Party: one of these parties is trying their best to make sure Trump gets re-elected.

So is the other one.

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

I tried to call my Republican Senators today...

I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait ...

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through New England. A well-dressed man driving a Lincoln pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”

“Democrat,” said the hitch-hiker. And the Lincoln sped off in a cloud of dust.

The ne...

Someone should tell trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t a bible

You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey.

I’m getting sick of all these stupid Republican jokes.

All 195 of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a double sided dildo have in common with republicans and democrats?

No matter what side you pick your fucked.

Balloon Ride

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You...

What's the favourite weapon of a Republican from outer space?

A Ronald Raygun.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

Republicans should pay the Clintons to stand at the border...

because they can't seem to get over them.

Why do Republicans think climate change activists are crazy?

Because they're mostly mad scientists.

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

People say that Democrats and Republicans can't work together to get anything done.

But Jeffrey Epstein is dead.

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there is one thing that democrats and republicans can agree on during this impeachment hearing...

...it's that "quid pro quo" is really fucking fun to say!

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Wait, hold on, how do we know it's not supposed to be that way? We've only been looking at that bulb for 2 years, and the scientists who say we need to replace it are probably working for the light bulb industry. Also, yesterday it was on! Why do we need to do anything if it's different day to da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I petition that we rename classrooms to classwombs

Then maybe republicans will give a fuck about kids dying in them

What happens when a Republican and a Lobbyist get in bed?

Tax payer gets screwed





Credit: Cenk Uyger

Republicans and Democrats never agree on anything

Republicans said the temperature is -40° F
And democrats immediately said it was -40° C.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a rapist and a Republican?

Hollywood won’t work with a Republican.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

Every wonder why Republicans use two hands when they’re drinking out of a water bottle?

It’s to prevent it from trickling down.

What does your appendix, Republicans, and the slow lane have in common with Matthew McConaughey?

All right, all right, all right.





This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Democrat, a Republican and a guy with hemmerhoids walk into a bar...

They're all butthurt.

I talked to my Republican parents about immigration.

The conversation really went south.

The Biker and the Lion

A Harley Biker is sitting on his Harley, drinking a beer, by the Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
<...

Why are republicans pro-life?

Can’t molest what isn’t born!

Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ

The other two are Russian Hackers.

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat.

“My God,” his friend replied, “why would you do such a thing?”

“Simple,” the man muttered in his last breath, “because I’d rather one of them die than one of us.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between Republicans and pornstars?

Pornstars don't keep their mouth shut after being fucked by Donald Trump.

Can't believe my grandpa is going to vote Republican this November!!

He never would have done that while he was alive!

The Republicans keep saying we need more Jesus in our country.

So why they want to build a wall to keep them all out?

A Democrat and a Republican go skydiving

A Democrat and a Republican go skydiving. The Democrat jumps out of the plan and pulls his cord the parachute opens and he begins to softly float towards the ground. Seconds later the Republican jumps out of the plane. He pulls the main cord and nothing happens..he pulls his emergency cord and ag...

A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air.

When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they’ve been transported to Oz.



“I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain,” says the Democrat.



“I’m going to ask him for a heart,” says the Republican.



Bill Clinton looks around and asks the two m...

People ask me why I'm a Republican ...

I tell them I'm really not that political ...

It's just that I thought it would be better to choose the side with all the guns.

Why do republicans eat bland food?

They refuse to season anything liberally.

Republicans are the true snowflakes.

They're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do gays and republicans have in common?

Both are feeling a little butt hurt after yesterdays decision.

I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won’t be leaving the house.


(Heard this on the podcast “Fake the Nation” and thought you all would like it.)

A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?

The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.

A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go.

A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask hi...

What do you get when you cross a republican and a white supremacist?

A white supremacist

A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

Republicans should have done more to stop predatory mortgages.

Maybe their house wouldn’t have been repossessed.

[politics] How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Republicans don't change light bulbs. They hide the ladders, sell the bulbs, blame Democrats for the dark, and send thoughts and prayers to anyone who trips.

Three politicians and little Johnny are walking down the street.

There's a republican, a democrat and a libertarian walking on one side of the street and little Johnny on the other. They come across a horribly dilapidated bridge, looking like it's about to collapse.

"We should raise taxes and have some company fix it. Then everybody will be able to use it ...

How can we get Republicans to care about climate change?

Blame it on the poor.

The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as half Democrat and half Republican

I'm bipartisan

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