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Republican Jokes

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through New England. A well-dressed man driving a Lincoln pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”

“Democrat,” said the hitch-hiker. And the Lincoln sped off in a cloud of dust.

The ne...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

...


Change? That’s socialism.

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Two Republicans are at a bar

The first Republican says, "You know who I really like? I know she's a Democrat, but that Tulsi Gabbard is hot. Mm-mm-mm."

And the second one says, "She is, but she's got nothing on Ivanka. Beautiful face, gorgeous body, great big perfect tits. I'd fuck her. Would you fuck her?"

And th...

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How do you bring a Republican to their knees?

Paint your dick orange.

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How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion?

Get his wife pregnant

What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character?

The Count

What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians?

Ukrainians defend their Capitol.

Why don't Republicans like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Republicans don't like any witnesses.

Why is Covid-19 such a problem for Republicans?

Because people that can't breathe turn blue.

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."

"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.

"You must be a Democrat."<...

I take strong offense with anyone saying the Republican Party has no standards now.

In fact, they have double standards.

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp

The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet...

The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won’t be leaving the house.


(Heard this on the podcast “Fake the Nation” and thought you all would like it.)

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A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

Republicans are the true snowflakes.

They're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools.

Why are republicans pro-life?

Can’t molest what isn’t born!

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

I can tell instantly if you are a Democrat or Republican

What does WWF stand for?

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

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Talking about Donald Trump

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the Republican Nominee for President.
The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise...

The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.

Republicans want small government

So small that it fits in your doctors office and your bedroom

Why was Megatron not invited to the Republican convention?

Because Megatron was a trans-former.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

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Democrats are sexier than Republicans

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

Why Republican politicians have a better system than Democrat politicians do.

Democrat politicians bribe their supporters, but Republican supporters bribe their politicians!

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What do gays and republicans have in common?

Both are feeling a little butt hurt after yesterdays decision.

How many Republicans does it take to change a light-bulb?

None.

Trump lies, tells them it was changed and they sit in the dark.

How do you hide money from a Republican?

Put it in a science textbook.

How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Wait, hold on, how do we know it's not supposed to be that way? We've only been looking at that bulb for 2 years, and the scientists who say we need to replace it are probably working for the light bulb industry. Also, yesterday it was on! Why do we need to do anything if it's different day to da...

Why do Republicans hate funding NASA?

NASA aborts rocket launches.

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What is the difference between Republicans and pornstars?

Pornstars don't keep their mouth shut after being fucked by Donald Trump.

Why are Democrats considered more attractive than Republicans?

Never heard of a hot piece of elephant.

Finally, a fact both Democrats and Republicans can agree on!

"Anyone with half a brain knows Trump won."

I’m getting sick of all these stupid Republican jokes.

All 195 of them.

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A Republican and Democratic congressman spot each other at Disney World with their respective families.

The Republican turns red from embarrassment.

“Look man, don’t tell any of my colleagues I was down here supporting *Disney.* They’ll eat me alive for supporting this woke company!”

The Democrat replies:

“Shit, you think I want anyone to know I was down here in Florida?”

Do you remember president Clinton’s intern Monica? She’s now republican.

Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Trump's Presidency is like climate change

Every day it gets worse and Republicans try to deny it.

I tried to call my Republican Senators today...

I ended up with rain check because they all sold out

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You know what sucks the most about being a democrat in a republican household?

If you try to address the Elephants in the room, you end up making an ass of yourself

What music genre do rap-loving Republican listen to?

Hip-hocrisy

Survey finds that 1 in 3 Republicans are of below average IQ

The other two are Russian Hackers.

Elon Musk new plan for Mars colonization will include only registered Republicans.

He is going to make it the true red planet.

An old Republican is on his death bed

\- I have a confession to make! I declare myself a Democrat now!
\- But... but... why? You hate democrats! You spent all your life fighting with them!
\- Because now one of them will die!

Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain

There is joint support for joints for joint support.

How many republicans does it take to fix a problem?

No one knows. It's never happened.

Why did the dyslexic republican politician have to suspend his campaign?

Because he vowed to put an end to texas.

Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

Why are Republicans overweight?

So they can own the lbs.

Why is Donald Trump a republican?

Because he always wants to be right.

Republicans declared they're against mail-in voting.

So Democrats went postal.

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

My neighbors are Democrats and I'm Republican

One day I was working in the garden when they came home with their young daughter from school.
I asked them how everything was going and they told me that a job orientation week had just taken place.

So I asked their daughter: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She respond...

A little boy asks his mother what the difference is between a Democrat and a Republican?

The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.

A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go.

A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask hi...

I talked to my Republican parents about immigration.

The conversation really went south.

Why did so many Republicans turn blue this year?

Covid

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

The Devil went down to Georgia, tried to raise some Republican cash

And they woulda won, if they hadn't run
All their ads in Adobe Flash.

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back...

How can we get Republicans to care about climate change?

Blame it on the poor.

I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene

But they just Palin comparison.

A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

Democrats and Republicans.

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the hom...

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

OVERHEARD: "My father was a Republican until the day he died..

Then he became a Democrat."

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

A Lawyer, a Democrat, a Republican, and cop walk into a bar

The blonde ducks.

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

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Caitlyn Jenner, Republican

So it turns out Caitlyn Jenner is a Republican! A member of the very party that discriminates against people like her!

Can you believe the balls on that woman???

What did the Republicans do when Obama won the election 2 times in a row?

They pulled out their Trump card

A Democrat and a Republican go skydiving

A Democrat and a Republican go skydiving. The Democrat jumps out of the plan and pulls his cord the parachute opens and he begins to softly float towards the ground. Seconds later the Republican jumps out of the plane. He pulls the main cord and nothing happens..he pulls his emergency cord and ag...

What do Republicans and Democrats have in common?

Epsteins island.

I'm surprised Trump ran as a Republican

I thought he was running as a joke

Why do Republicans make good DJs?

Because they know how to shut the House down.

Why do Republicans always get more done?

Because they're always Russian.

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Republican: "All life is precious..."

Until it steps on my fucking property.



Credit: Jim Jefferies

A Republican is Sitting in a Bar...

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican...

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

What do you get when you cross a republican and a white supremacist?

A white supremacist

Republicans and Democrats never agree on anything

Republicans said the temperature is -40° F
And democrats immediately said it was -40° C.

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I sexually identify as half Democrat and half Republican

I'm bipartisan

It's funny that Republicans have compared Trump to Reagan in the past...

At least Reagan knew how to act.

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I just bought some children's books and there was no porn in any of them

I'm suing the Republican party for false advertising.

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

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The Irish Republican Army are full of crap

It takes some balls to phone ahead politely before setting off a bomb and then claim you're not British.

A Democrat and a Republican were walking along the beach when they spotted a bottle.

They picked it up and a genie popped out.

"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.

The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were...

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