New Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery w...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

The Pope is visiting America

The Pope is visiting America and is being driven around in a limousine. He strikes up a conversation with his chauffeur and says “Did you know that when you become Pope, they don’t let you drive anymore?”
The chauffeur shrugs and the Pope continues, “I really miss being able to drive. Do you thin...

Who's the longest serving Mayor of bacon city?

Oscar Mayer

My 9 year old son just told me this joke & hopefully its an original

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A politician vists a town in one of his electoral districs.

It is a small, remote town deep in the mountains.
When he arrives he is greeted by the towns people, the mayor, and a camera crew. He waves and shakes his supporters hands while smiling for the camera.
Finally he walks up to the mayor of the small town and asks:

"So mayor, what problems...

Thanks to my son for this one: What's the difference between a mayor and a person with diarrhea?

One of them runs a city, and one of them sits a runny.

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.

First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:

"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"

"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be ...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads..

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidew alks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the May...

Lil Johnny's Sheep

Lil Johnny is walking a sheep through town. The Mayor stops and asks Lil Johnny what he is doing.

"Silly Billy has a boy sheep and I'm taking our girl sheep to his ranch to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.

The mayor thinks this is a bad idea and tells Lil Johnny that this is a job hi...

So many Democratic Presidential candidates it's hard to know who to pick, but there's something about Mayor Pete...

I can really see myself getting behind him and going all-in

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

Town mayor recently distributed certificates of achievement to the local scarecrows

They were described as being, “ outstanding in their fields”.

MAYOR ENDGAME SPOILERS AHEAD!

Ok now that all the nerds are gone, I'm throwing an epic party at my house tomorrow and you're all invited!

The local farmer was voted in as mayor of his town.

The community always found him out-standing in his field.

A politician visited a small remote rural town and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the Town Mayor. "First, we have a clinic but no doctors."

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, "I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cell phone reception at...

For the 1 year anniversary of the priest Jhon at a church many people came hearing the mayor speech.

The mayor was late so the priest Jhon started talking:

-You know first my expectations for this city was really low the first man who confesses to me was an horrible human being. He cheats on his wife multiple time with different women, he lies to everyone and admits being corrupted in his jo...

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Will Mayor Pete’s campaign office be phoning voters

By making Butti calls?

The Pope was driving to the airport one day...

They got there super early. The pope decided he wanted to kill some time with his favorite hobby from before he became pope: driving. So he switched seats with his driver and off he went.

It had been years since he had driven a car, so he was flying down the highway. Soon a cop saw him doing...

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My town has a homosexual mayor

Every time we go down to city hall we can’t get a straight answer out of him!

A chauffeur goes to pick up the pope

Upon arrival the pope tells the chauffeur that he never gets to drive anymore and pleads with him to let him behind the wheel for a little while. Being a good catholic boy, he accepts the pope's request and takes a seat in the back off the car.

Once the pope is behind the wheel, the chauffeur...

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

A poor farmer who lived in a small mining town came to its mayor and asked him if his son could marry his daughter.

The mayor angry at this insolent request, asked: "Why would I ever let your miserable kid marry my princess daughter?" which the farmer promptly replied: "Because he is the new general manager of the mines". The mayor, surprised and impressed with this information, ended up accepting his daughter's ...

Everyone knows Frank. [Long]

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, frank replied “Oh ya! We went to highschool together!“ Fred decided...

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

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The Mayor of a large Russian town is invited to stay with the Mayor of an American town

The two men drink expensive beer and spirits and wine all day, then all the next day and the next until they've drunk non-stop for two weeks.

So the Russian man says: "Ron, we've been drinking for two weeks, how can you possibly be able to pay for this?"

The American points out of the ...

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

In the teats and comdoms factory.

The mayor is visiting a new factory where they make teats and comdoms. When they are near the machine that makes teats it sounds like

"fffff pop,
fffff pop,
fffff pop..."

The mayor asked her assistant to explain it.

Assistant: Well the "fffff" is when the latex gets inflat...

A politician was running for mayor of his small town...

The competition is tough. He is worried he will lose. This was his dream job, he wasn't going to give in. He had one trick up his sleeve.
He printed a few hundred posters of various sizes. He decided he would save money by hanging them himself. He walked around the town and hung posters up. It di...

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The Mayor’s meal

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.

One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”

The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

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Why did the Chinese Mayor overdose on Viagra?

Because he wanted to win the erection.

What did the Seattle mayor say when he banned straws?

Alright everybody, this is the last straw.

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

The Pope gets off a plane at JFK international airport...

He tells the limo to get in the back
“Why?” The limo driver replies.
“Because I’m the f#&$’n Pope” Said the Pope.
Next thing you know the limo’s going down the Brooklyn Bridge doin like 30 over the limit.
Cop pulls him over.
Pope rolls down the window
“Water you whining about” ...

What did the mayor say when he found out the river is flooding?

Dam it!

he's not all bad: after an 12 hour shift at a local food kitchen, mayor Rob Ford selflessly turned down a hot meal.

"I've got more than enough to eat at home"

Mayor goes to a school

After explaining a little bit of the governmental platform, he asks the kids if they had any questions.

Bob raises his hand and says
I have 3 questions for you...
1) How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less votes?
2) Why do you want to attack the neighbouri...

Jaws

Americans, do you remember in "jaws" when the Mayor was so concerned about the economy, he told everyone it was safe to get back in the water?

Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.

The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree....

50 Cent goes to a small town for a concert and meets the mayor.

The mayor, being a fan and trying to be casual, offers to show him around town. Before long, he realizes that 50 cent seems to be a little off, because he is asking the mayor to identify inanimate objects. He points to a sewer, and the mayor says, "Sewer." He points to a streetlight, and the mayor p...

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Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

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After a series of city-wide riots, the mayor of Los Angeles imposed the harshest curfew ever: anyone outdoors after 10 pm will be shot on sight!

On the very first night of the curfew, a cop shot a black kid dead at 9:45. The police chief dragged the cop in for questioning.

"What the hell you doing shooting a guy before the curfew even started!?"

"Sir, I know where that guy lives. He never would have made it home in time!"

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

A mayor of a village was on his deathbed...

...standing with his wife beside him. For years he had a strong suspicion that his wife cheated on him, but he wouldn't dare ask.

So with nothing to lose he finally asked:
-Please dear, you know I'm dying, at least have the courtesy to tell me if something happened.
-Ok fine, said the w...

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Corona : Good news

The doctor said I have a bad news and good news on the Corona patient. Which one would you like to hear first?


The mayor replied - give me the bad news first.


The patient is dead.


The mayor yells - what the hell is then the good news?


His ass was really cl...

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The pope's traffic stop

The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You ...

The Soviet Union, 1927

A village is celebrating the anniversary of the revolution. The mayor gives s speech.

"We have accompliced so much during the last ten years! Look at Mikhail Pavlovich, before the revolution he was starving and illiterate. Today he is the best tractor driver in the village!"

People che...

Freddy from scooby doo was a candidate for mayor of L.A in the 90s

He ran on splitting up gangs.

Conductor

One day, a train conductor is walking down the aisle making sure everyone has a ticket. As he’s making his way down he sees the mayor, he asks the mayor for his ticket and the mayor says “dang I must’ve forgotten it in my car” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the mayor out o...

A cobbler was once elected the mayor of a small town.

People thought he was a real shoe-in.

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

How is digging fence post holes like being the mayor of Toronto?

It goes pretty smoothly until you start hitting the rock.

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

Christers

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels an...

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A superhero arrives in a village.

The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two week...

While the pope was visiting the USA,

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the ...

A rural village close to a university gets its very first dorm.

Due to the rapid increase of young people inhabitating said village, the demand of mobile data and accessibility has increased. So the village's mayor intents to raise a cell tower and has tasked a company for planning, erecting and operating said cell tower.

After construction, the mayor ho...

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A man comes into a hotelbar....

...and says:
"Oh god, i am so horny. Are there any hookers here?"
"No" answers the host, "there is only John. And it costs 80 bucks"
"80$? And there is only John? Well, i am so horny, I don't mind giving John 80$ for it"
"No, sir. 40$ will go to the mayor. It is his town and he d...

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

Why didn't Toronto's mayor tell us earlier about his drug use?

It must have fallen through a crack.

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece .

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single l...

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A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.

One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.
...

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While visiting England, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen...

... He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.


"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."


She phones Sadiq Khan and s...

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the barkeeper: 'Are there any brothels around? I am so fucking horny right now.'

The barkeeper says: 'Well, there are no brothels here, but we have Steve.'

The man says: 'Doesn't matter. How much?'

'80 bucks', says the barkeeper.

'So, how does it work? Do I give S...

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

The pope goes to New York

He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''


The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But th...

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

\- Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt no...

An old lady is turning 100

She is in great health for her age and regularly walks to the market, post office an the bank with no problems. Since she is living in a small town it is a big deal for the town. On her birthday she is visited by the mayor who presents her with a badge honoring her as the oldest person in the town. ...

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A man is consulting a psychologist

\- Tell me what are your worst memories. Start with the third one.


\- The mayor's goat escaped into the wood, so every man of the village went to search her. We searched all the day long and finally found her safe in the evening. Because she wasn't eaten by a wolf, the mayor organized a...

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car...

As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.

"No, no!" exclaimed the Pope, "I couldn't possibly!"

The driver wouldn't take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they we...

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

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A man takes a business trip to a small town in a remote valley...NSFW

and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager:

"Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, 'nighttime favours'?"

"Not really", the manager answers, "we only have Bob."

The man is a bit confused, replies "Hm, no thank you" and goes to his room...

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There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he d...

A Dog's Story

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s y...

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Mister Mxyzptlk robs a bank.

It's a really high profile case, so the chief is all over the lead detective, calling him every few minutes for updates. The detective reviews the security footage and recognizes Mister Mxyzptlk. Not three seconds later the phone rings.

"Detective! I've got the mayor all over my ass on this o...

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So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, ...

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A reporter interviews a man in the scottish hinterlands

to find out about his best life experiences.

He asks him: "What was the greatest experience in your life so far?"

Guy: "One time one of our sheep got lost in the woods. So the whole village went out and searched for it. And when we found it, everyone took turns and had sex with it. It ...

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The Pope decides to go around Rome incognito

He steps into his limousine. All the windows are tinted obviously, so no one can see who's inside. The Pope tells the driver to go around Rome at once. However, the driver is really nervous, because it's the first time he takes the Pope around all alone; usually, His Holiness is surrounded by a doze...

A middle eastern restaurant owner bought a new waffle iron.

He wasn't sure how to use it, so he chopped up some chickpeas, rolled them in flour and pressed them between the grates.

The mayor of the town stopped by that day, excited to try the new dish.

But when he took his first bite, the mayor declared it was so bad he would ban it from being ...

Father I have fallen

There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said "If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town."

Now the people really liked the priest and didn't wanna see him leave s...

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