If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country

If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.

This is not a political post. I just want to travel.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

If you elect me as president

I promise to end 2020 in less than 7 month.

Why can't mixolydian get elected?

Its leading tone is flat.

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter has decided to become a poll worker this election year...

She decided it sounded better than putting "stripper" on her resume.

To stop Russia from interfering with US election

the winner will be announced one week before end of the election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

People keep asking me if I was one of those who helped elect a living booger.

And I keep telling them, he wasn't my pick.

With the elections around the corner, do you know who had the best shot at POTUS?

Lee Harvey Oswald.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

Today marks 69 days until the US Presidential Election...

...nice

If Trump is re-elected I will stay in the country

I can't get back over the wall anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

If Russia interfered in USA elections, that proves the system works just a little

At least someone's vote counts

An original joke being posted to reddit is like a good US president being elected.

It sure as hell won't be happening anytime soon.

The 2020 Election Results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

Come to think of it, it's a good thing Bush won the 2000 election over Al Gore...

Now we have to deal with Bushisms... otherwise we would have had to deal with Algorithms!

I’m American and won’t be voting in the upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m 15

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an election and an erection?

One only involves one dick, the other involves many

After elections president Putin receives a call

- Mr. President I have two news, a good one and a bad one.
- Start from the good one.
- You got elected president again.
- And the bad one?
- No one voted for you.

Joke from my Russian friend about the last presidential election:

Advisor: Putin! I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Putin: The good news of course.

Advisor: You won the election!

Putin: So then whats the bad news?

Advisor: No one voted for you.

Waking up just in time for the election

William Holsfermeyer was frozen in 1990, waiting for a cure for his fatal condition. The doctors chose Independence Day to bring him back.

\-Mister Holfsermeyer, can you hear me?.

\-Mmmmfpppffff!.

\-Yes, yes!. That is good. Let me remove the tube from your mouth. Better now?....

It shouldn't be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump

It's always darkest before Don

What would the White House be like for Trump if he loses the 2020 election?

For-Biden Entry

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

The 2020 Election isn't going to be determined by Hanging Chads...

...but by Swaying Karens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

I've decided that I will not vote in the next election for the following reasons, please hear me out.





I'm 14

Why i love being Russian

I get to vote in the US election



FYI: I am actually British and never have stepped foot in Russia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is Russian election meddling like stripping off all your clothes and riding a bicycle made out of Cheetos?

If you don't be careful, you'll end up with an Orange Asshole.

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

Obama once visited North Korea and he asked Kim Yong Un: "Do you ever have elections?" (NSFW)

Kim replied: "Yes I have elections evely molning!"

How many Bernie Sanders supporters does it take to win a primary election?

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

The papal elections came down to two contenders:

Cardinal Koch and Cardinal Sea. The votes were tallied and Cardinal Koch won by 1 vote. However, moments later, Koch suffered a massive heart attack.

The Dean came out of the room where they took Koch. He looked at the assembled cardinals. They asked, “Will we have Pope Koch?”. The Dean shook...

An oligarch, a theocrat, and two architects of the prison industrial complex walk into a bar...

Sorry, I misplaced my notes. Those are just the choices for the US Presidential election.

Santa’s Reindeer’s competition

In the days leading up until Christmas, all of Santa’s reindeer throw a party, with each reindeer throwing their own party on a different day. During the day before Christmas Eve, the elves, reindeer, and Claus’ would decide who threw the best party that year and there would be a prize.

The d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President!

I'm starting to believe him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This must be the place where the US election happen

Because they have a fucking joke of a president.

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died...

God and Satan are discussing what to do with him.
God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."
Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are strippers good at elections?

Because they know how to work the pole.

I can’t believe they’re considering an all mail election...

...females worked so hard to get voting rights

As election season ramps up, I'd like for us to take a moment and Pray for our President.

Psalm 109:8.

What’s the biggest difference between Trump and Putin?

Putin knows how to win a U.S. election

Latest Fox News election poll shows Trump way ahead ...

... in all 87 states.

The 2020 election might be full of great choices

Like which elderly racist New York businessman to vote for.

What do you get when the people elect a narcissist as president?

A narcissistic president. What did you people expect?

Following are the options of the north korean elections

A:Kim Jong Un
B:A
C:B
D:C

Democratic Party and Republican Party: one of these parties is trying their best to make sure Trump gets re-elected.

So is the other one.

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

Why did the Three Stooges win the election?

They had Moementum

We’ll probably see an uptick in write in votes for “Shakira’s hips” during this years election.

They - for one - at least do not lie

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

In the Catholic Church, the pope is elected for life.

Putin has met with 3 of them.

A doctor adviced me to start running...

Elect Fried Burrito for office in 2024, people!

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know,...

If Hillary Clinton was elected, she would have been the first f president.

I would say female, but the emale got deleted.

Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?

He ran unopposed.

Why do the chinese not elect a president?

The thought of an erection that large is too intimidating

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just stayed in place.

The crew and the secret service we...

Why don't horses get elected to congress?

Because they are naysayers.

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

What if Jagmet Singh won the election

and it was actually Justin Trudeau all along.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

Remember when President-Elect Trump said immigrants were going to take our jobs?

It's all true! Just ask Michelle Obama!

Every night before bed, daddy tucks in his daughter and reminds her to say her prayers...

Every night, his daughter finishes her prayers with "I love you mommy, I love you daddy, I love you grandma, and I love you grandpa."

Then one night, peculiarly, she says, "I love you mommy, I love you daddy, I love you grandma, goodbye grandpa"

"What?" says daddy.

"I just said ...

A man is dispatched by the UN to investigate the quality of the democracy in China.

Upon arrival, he has a meeting with the chinese president. He asks the president:

Do you have elections?

The president seems somewhat uncomfortable but answers:

Evely molning

I was going to vote in the primary, but I got to the polling place late...

....and I just had to sit in my car until my favorite song, "Tom Sawyer," ended.

But by the time I exited the vehicle, it was too late for me to enter the polling place. I'm really frustrated because it's not the first time that has happened to me.

I'm so sick of Rush's interference i...

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

I'm a vertebrate that's in love with the president elect.

I guess you could say I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush.

Don't move to Mars because of president-elect Trump.

Last I checked, it was a red state.

Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

A Russian and an American are in a bar talking about democracy

At one point, the American shouts “The problem with you Russians is, you don’t understand democracy!”. To which the Russian eloquently responded “What do you mean? We got Trump elected didn’t we?”

The American people should elect Gabe Newell president in 2020.

That way we can be 100% certain the President of the United States will not start World War III.

The President-Elect has recently begun learning how to play bridge with the help of master bridge players. it turns out, the President-Elect's plays are far superior to those of his peers. In other words...

Trump's trumps trump Trump's trumps' trumps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How could Donald Trump ever get elected in this great nation?

...said the country pissed off that the super bowl didn’t play music from spongebob.

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

What do you call a multiple choice quiz in Russia?

An election.

People say Bernie Sanders isn’t a Democrat...

But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems like the world is ending these days

We’ve got all this awful shit just falling from the sky. Climate change, global pandemics, economic crashes, Australian wildfire, elections, Kobe Bryant,

You know the problem with political jokes?

They get elected.

--Henry Cate.

Voting in the election is similar to this sub

the same speech will win, but there’s always a different face to it

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

If we elect Donald Trump for president...

There will be hell toupee

A man owns an elections store

One day, another electronics store opens up beside him with a massive sign proclaiming "Best deals"

In the afternoon of the same day another electronics store opens up on the other side with a ginormous sign claiming "lowest prices"

The man is worried until he has a brilliant idea. The...

The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect.

In the event of an armed attack, they will yell "Donald, duck!"

Every time a new Pope is elected...

...there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velv...

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