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Elect Jokes

Russia has announced early results from the election

The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.

David Byrne gets elected as U.S. president.

His first act is to issue an executive order to the U.S. Mint.

To stop making cents.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

I know the Vatican doesn't like modern technology, but when they elect a Pope, why don't they do more tweets?

They are Cardinals, after all.

Elections

If the Republicans win the midterms, I will leave the United States.

If the Democrats win the midterms, I will leave the United States

This is not about politics, I just want to travel.

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

On Election Day, what did Delaware?

Her New Jersey!

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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Why did the skid mark lose the election?

It ran a smear campaign

Credit - Amazon Alexa (seriously, I asked my Alexa to tell me a poop joke and this is what she said)

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Yussuf Swannekamp, mayor of Whistlestop Minnesota, was running for re-election.

Polling showed a dead heat between Swannekamp and his opponent, La Hernia, with 53 votes for each candidate. Swannekamp had to find another vote if he was to stay in office. On the edge of town lived a deranged tree worshipper named Kilmer Boles, who had never voted. So Swannekamp went to the librar...

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.

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What's the similarity between election and erection?

Only dicks can stand in both of them.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

A vegan bitcoin investor who does CrossFit and didn't vote in the 2016 election walks into a bar.

Now everyone's wondering what he's gonna bring up first.

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What does a bidet and 46th US President-Elect Biden have in common?

They both clean up after assholes

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

TIL the Pope is elected by the Cardinals.

You'd think the Angels would do something like that for Mike Trout.

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

Do all fairytales start with "once upon a time"?

No, some start with "if I'm elected, I promise..."

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

I'm not sure about the current US government

Kinda feels like they're just Biden time until the next election..

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What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

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What is common between election and erection?

A dick rising to power.

Biden runs for re-election in 2024.

He promises it will be a great first term.

Batman and Robin were elected from the exploding Batjet

Batman: to the Batmobile.

Robin: Batman! The car is not starting.

Batman: Check the battery.

Robin: What the heck is a tery?

What do you get when the people elect a narcissist as president?

A narcissistic president. What did you people expect?

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just stayed in place.

The crew and the secret service we...

A man walks into the Election Office.....

and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly, sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So...

People keep asking me if I was one of those who helped elect a living booger.

And I keep telling them, he wasn't my pick.

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...

Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?

It's time to elect a ventriloquist for President.

Right now, all we have is the dummy!

Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"Cause there's Bush and there's Gore.

a Trumper dies and goes to heaven.

After getting processed in by St.Peter he goes to find God. He finds God in the garden listening to the birds.

M: "Can I ask you something?"

G: "Anything my child"

M: "Who was the rightful victor of the 2020 US election?"

G: "Joe Biden won fair and square my child"
...

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

Don't move to Mars because of president-elect Trump.

Last I checked, it was a red state.

I'm a vertebrate that's in love with the president elect.

I guess you could say I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.

Priest/Rabbi

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job.” replied the P...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Library patron: Can I get the book on Kyrsten Sinema's re-election?

Librarian: Is this a joke?
Library Patron: Yeah, that's the one.

The American people should elect Gabe Newell president in 2020.

That way we can be 100% certain the President of the United States will not start World War III.

The President-Elect has recently begun learning how to play bridge with the help of master bridge players. it turns out, the President-Elect's plays are far superior to those of his peers. In other words...

Trump's trumps trump Trump's trumps' trumps.

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

How was president Xi elected?

He was highest in the Peking order.

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

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It was a dark night in the cemetery..

..and Eric had, unwisely, elected to take a short cut. The leaves rustled in the trees, the shadows appeared to move around him, and then.. and then.. tap, tap, tap. Eric started to walk faster but the tapping was only getting louder. Eric grew scared, really scared, until he rounded a big old grave...

Why do the chinese not elect a president?

The thought of an erection that large is too intimidating

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

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A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

What did the Republicans do when Obama won the election 2 times in a row?

They pulled out their Trump card

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

I’ve just time travelled from next week to tell you who won the election

It was the rich, old white guy

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For the next president we should just elect the CEO of a dildo company

at least they're honest about how they fuck people

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect.

In the event of an armed attack, they will yell "Donald, duck!"

Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.

Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

Why don't we elect fat presidents any more?

Because they don't run.

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

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If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

Shhhh, Want to know the secret of how Biden won the election?

He got more votes.

Question: Who is the Governor of California after Yesterday's Election?

Answer: We can't recall.

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

So I took a programming elective in school

My final grade was C+

What do you call an election ballot in mexico?







pick-o-de-guy-o

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...

What did the Secret Service agent say to the President-elect when someone tried to take a shot at him?

Donald, Duck!

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

Donald Trump is the president elect of the United States.

I am still not sure if it belongs here or in r/politics (?)

Conservatives can't tell jokes

But they sure can elect them

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

I know who is gonna win the US election

Not the american people

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.

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If Trump is elected president...

He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK

I was going to make a joke about the result of the US election

But I don't think you would ever get it

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 election....

But a lot less Gore-y

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This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

How many Bernie Sanders supporters does it take to win a primary election?

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

How much time does it take a politician to change a lightbulb?

4 years

They have to wait until election season before they can get anything done.

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Why dogs sniff each other's bottoms

A long time ago, dogs used to have detachable bottoms. The polite thing to do when they went places was to remove their bottom and hang it up on a hook. Kind of like a hat on a hat-rack.



Now this was a time of prohibition. The local mob boss was running a speakeasy in the basement of...

My wife is a lot like the general election...

She only comes once every 4 years.

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