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Elect Jokes

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.
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Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
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If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel
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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...
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Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.
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Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
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Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.
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The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she ha...
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Russia has announced early results from the election

The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.
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The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.
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Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

Hillary Clinton is elected President.

On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.

She asks, "What can I do to help America?"

Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest"

*Hillary laughs in his face*

...
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Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.

Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Trump is elected president...

He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
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Elections

If the Republicans win the midterms, I will leave the United States.

If the Democrats win the midterms, I will leave the United States

This is not about politics, I just want to travel.
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If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.
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The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...
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Russia's president wasn't elected....

He was Putin!
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This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.
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When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.
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How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.
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In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...
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After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
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I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.
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COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between sex and US Presidental elections?

In sex,the decision to choose the cunt or the asshole is a pleasure

Electing Trump would really strengthen our dollar

Sincerely,
Canada
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I know the Vatican doesn't like modern technology, but when they elect a Pope, why don't they do more tweets?

They are Cardinals, after all.
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The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just stayed in place.

The crew and the secret service we...
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In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.
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Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...
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Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
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Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"
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Why haven't the Democrats made any big moves towards the upcoming election yet?

Because they are Biden their time
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What does a bidet and 46th US President-Elect Biden have in common?

They both clean up after assholes

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
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BREAKING: Barack Obama just elected President of the US

- Sent from Internet Explorer
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I'd make a political joke but it would just end up being elected president

Ba Dum Tss
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Biden runs for re-election in 2024.

He promises it will be a great first term.
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Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.
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What do you get when the people elect a narcissist as president?

A narcissistic president. What did you people expect?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the skid mark lose the election?

It ran a smear campaign

Credit - Amazon Alexa (seriously, I asked my Alexa to tell me a poop joke and this is what she said)

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

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What's the similarity between election and erection?

Only dicks can stand in both of them.

My home stereo system recently got elected as a member of the house of representatives

They're now the speaker of the house
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Don't move to Mars because of president-elect Trump.

Last I checked, it was a red state.
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I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.
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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?

No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
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What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
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After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.
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This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 election....

But a lot less Gore-y
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Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.
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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"

"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is ...
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Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?
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Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!
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I'm a vertebrate that's in love with the president elect.

I guess you could say I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush.
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TIL the Pope is elected by the Cardinals.

You'd think the Angels would do something like that for Mike Trout.
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People keep asking me if I was one of those who helped elect a living booger.

And I keep telling them, he wasn't my pick.
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"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
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Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The ...
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Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...
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A man walks into the Election Office.....

and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly, sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So...
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The American people should elect Gabe Newell president in 2020.

That way we can be 100% certain the President of the United States will not start World War III.
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What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.
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If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

Yussuf Swannekamp, mayor of Whistlestop Minnesota, was running for re-election.

Polling showed a dead heat between Swannekamp and his opponent, La Hernia, with 53 votes for each candidate. Swannekamp had to find another vote if he was to stay in office. On the edge of town lived a deranged tree worshipper named Kilmer Boles, who had never voted. So Swannekamp went to the librar...
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How was president Xi elected?

He was highest in the Peking order.
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Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.
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I'm probably moving back to my home country if Trump gets elected.

Not by choice either.
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Why don't we elect fat presidents any more?

Because they don't run.
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What is the difference between Clinton and Putin?

Putin can win a rigged election.
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Batman and Robin were elected from the exploding Batjet

Batman: to the Batmobile.

Robin: Batman! The car is not starting.

Batman: Check the battery.

Robin: What the heck is a tery?
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Smart Robot

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and m...
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What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected?

[removed]
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Donald Trump is the president elect of the United States.

I am still not sure if it belongs here or in r/politics (?)
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Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.
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The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.
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Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?
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This election is crazy.

One candidate has a Trump card. The other is just Biden his time. There's a lot of Harrisment between the the two of them and I don't think it looks good on either of them, that's just my 2 Pence though.
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On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...
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Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.
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No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes?

Mr. President.
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I'm upset about the election

SNL will have to go back to political satire instead of news.
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2016 Presidential Election

Me: I don't like Trump.

Everyone: So you support a liar like Hillary? She should be in jail!

Me: I don't like Hillary.

Everyone: So you support a racist like Trump?! He doesn't stand for American values!

Me: I don't like either.

Everyone: So you're going to waste y...
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As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!
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As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes
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Why can't mixolydian get elected?

Its leading tone is flat.
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"Do you have elections in China?"

"Yes, evely molning!"
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If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.
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The election is finally over!

Let “Bye, Dons” be “Bye, Dons”!!!
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An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the next president we should just elect the CEO of a dildo company

at least they're honest about how they fuck people

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.
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After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...
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Trump wins the 2020 presidential elections

The joke is over, what are you looking for?
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Say what you like about Donald Trump..

But he's doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.
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I used to really enjoy political jokes...

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
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