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The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

A vegan bitcoin investor who does CrossFit and didn't vote in the 2016 election walks into a bar.

Now everyone's wondering what he's gonna bring up first.

Not all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...

Many begin with "If I am elected, I promise to..."

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

Batman and Robin were elected from the exploding Batjet

Batman: to the Batmobile.

Robin: Batman! The car is not starting.

Batman: Check the battery.

Robin: What the heck is a tery?

I guess things really are upside-down in Australia

A conservative lost an election and actually conceded.

A man walks into the Election Office.....

and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly, sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So...

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What is common between election and erection?

A dick rising to power.

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

Biden runs for re-election in 2024.

He promises it will be a great first term.

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"Cause there's Bush and there's Gore.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.

How much time does it take a politician to change a lightbulb?

4 years

They have to wait until election season before they can get anything done.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

Library patron: Can I get the book on Kyrsten Sinema's re-election?

Librarian: Is this a joke?
Library Patron: Yeah, that's the one.

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What does a bidet and 46th US President-Elect Biden have in common?

They both clean up after assholes

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

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What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

How was president Xi elected?

He was highest in the Peking order.

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

Personally, I am against political jokes.

They get elected to office too often.

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

What kind of leader do Indians look for in election?

A currysmatic leader

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

Conservatives can't tell jokes

But they sure can elect them

Question: Who is the Governor of California after Yesterday's Election?

Answer: We can't recall.

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A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

People keep asking me if I was one of those who helped elect a living booger.

And I keep telling them, he wasn't my pick.

How can you know for sure whether someone is really vaccinated?

Ask them who won the election.

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

What do you get when the people elect a narcissist as president?

A narcissistic president. What did you people expect?

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The leader of China is growing restless so he tries to find a country that wants to fight his army,

The leader of China calls Biden and says: "Hey man, we haven't had a good fight in a while, how about we see who has the best army?" To which Biden said: "Look pal, you know me, we never say no to a big showdown but we have so much on our plate right now. The election, the Covid crysis, Superbowl......

What did the Republicans do when Obama won the election 2 times in a row?

They pulled out their Trump card

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just stayed in place.

The crew and the secret service we...

How do you stop Sonic the Hedgehog from running?

Elect some other candidate in the primaries.

Greek vs. Italian

Two old men are arguing about the history and the splendors of Athens and Rome.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek...

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

So I took a programming elective in school

My final grade was C+

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

Putin and the Journalist

With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.

"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise ...

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...

What do you call an election ballot in mexico?







pick-o-de-guy-o

Despite all the flak the public gives him, Trump has already solved the immigration problem in just a few days after becoming President-elect

Just ask yourself, who would want to sneak into America now?

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

I'm still undecided for the upcoming election...

But I've narrowed my choices down to Mexico or Canada based on moving costs.

I’ve just time travelled from next week to tell you who won the election

It was the rich, old white guy

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

I'm a vertebrate that's in love with the president elect.

I guess you could say I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush.

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Don't move to Mars because of president-elect Trump.

Last I checked, it was a red state.

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

Shhhh, Want to know the secret of how Biden won the election?

He got more votes.

Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation?

Ever since the last election.

What is the only thing that if you fix you make it worse?

Elections

It’s 294 days after the US Election...

...Biden has progressed to 269.99 electoral votes, and Nevada has discovered 26 million uncounted postal votes that were discovered on ‘Storage Wars’. More updates coming soon.

The American people should elect Gabe Newell president in 2020.

That way we can be 100% certain the President of the United States will not start World War III.

The President-Elect has recently begun learning how to play bridge with the help of master bridge players. it turns out, the President-Elect's plays are far superior to those of his peers. In other words...

Trump's trumps trump Trump's trumps' trumps.

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

I know who is gonna win the US election

Not the american people

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

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If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK

If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

I was going to make a joke about the result of the US election

But I don't think you would ever get it

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 election....

But a lot less Gore-y

I'm upset about the election

SNL will have to go back to political satire instead of news.

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

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Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven...

God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.

Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?

God: Joseph R. Biden

Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* shit dude, this goes even deeper t...

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

With the election coming up Tuesday, Exit polls show Donald Trump having a 300 point lead in one state...

Dementia.

My wife is a lot like the general election...

She only comes once every 4 years.

If Donald trump knew the Democrats we're going to rig the election months ago and still couldn't stop them

Does that make their plan fool proof?

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What's the medical term for an asshole transplant?

An election.

Trump is missing in action since the election, where is he?

Shredding documents

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Maybe we should start believing Donald Trump about election fraud

Because nobody knows more about fraud than donald trump.

Las Vegas will decide the presidential election

What are the odds?

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

What's the difference between the Special Olympics and the 2020 US election?

~~Everyone cheers the winners of the Special Olympics.~~

Venue.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

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For the next president we should just elect the CEO of a dildo company

at least they're honest about how they fuck people

How do you talk to elected officials?

Like you're about to fire them.

Donald Trump still doesn’t realize that he has lost the 2020 Presidential Election.

Things like this become obvious when the writing is on the wall, but the wall was never finished.

The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect.

In the event of an armed attack, they will yell "Donald, duck!"

This election is crazy.

One candidate has a Trump card. The other is just Biden his time. There's a lot of Harrisment between the the two of them and I don't think it looks good on either of them, that's just my 2 Pence though.

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What's the difference between an erection and an election?

One involves only one dick, and the other involves many.

Waiting for the US election results is giving me the same nerves as the NZ election the other week did

That would be no nerves, I’m British.

How many insurrectionists does it take to change an election?

Apparently more than that.

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