I wonder if anyone here can help me. Yesterday someone stole my father's favorite playing cards.

I think there were about fifty-two of them. All of them had a picture of someone riding a bicycle on one side of them, but on the other side they had different things, like letters and numbers. Some of them had some pictures of some kings and queens and other people. I know there were some red he...

A relationship is like playing cards

First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and spades

Three lepers were playing cards...

One threw his whole hand in, the second cried his eyes out and the third laughed his head off

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Why do pirates always wash their hands after playing cards?

Because they use a poop deck

What playing cards are the best dancers.

The king and queen of clubs.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking

One guy says, “what was that?”

The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

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I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

DJ Khaled was playing cards with his family.

And a mother won.

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Playing cards in pairs is like sex

If you don’t have a great partner, you should have a good hand.

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

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A wise man once said, a cheating wife is like a deck of playing cards...

You need a heart to love her

A diamond to marry her

A club to smash her fucking head in

And a spade to bury the bitch...

Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!

Benny: What's it called?

Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?

Ben: A Rose?

Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name o...

The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.

Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.

I hate playing cards in the Oval Office.

The president always has a trump card.

A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards.

A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor..

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.

Blushing coming up from the table, he ...

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A snail saves the day

A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said:

“Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?”

The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little...

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam

See his answers.

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. L...

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

Two Mohels and a Vicar are playing cards

So, two mohels and a vicar are playing a game of cards. And somewhere along the way, they get into an argument -- as they always did -- about who among the three should host dinner that night. You see, they're all very passionate dinner hosts.

One of the mohels says "You should come to my ho...

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At the asylum

A Dr. Is doing the rounds in an insane asylum one night.

He walks into the first patient's room and sees him playing with modeling clay.
The Dr. asks him how he's doing.
The patient replies "Doc I'm molding with clay. It's therapy. I feel much better!"
The Dr. says "Good. You should...

Old Age Fun

Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and strip naked. Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to ...

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

A guy goes to a New Year’s Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.

A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes ...

Little Timmy went into his grandparent's bedroom.

He found his grandpa and grandma half-naked, fooling around in bed.

He asked his grandpa what they are doing.

Grandpa said: "Your grandma is my wild card"

Little Timmy left the room confused, so he entered his parent's bedroom and found mommy and daddy half-naked, fooling around...

The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)

Why don't pirates like playing cards?

There's always someone walking across the deck.

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

The bellboy at this hotel must be keen for his tips...

...I asked him to fetch me a deck of playing cards and it took him 52 trips to get them to me.

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Thanksgiving Dinner

Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream...

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.


One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she...

A blonde is in bed with her lover when suddenly the phone rings.

She answers and has a short conversation with the caller. When the call ends, she turns to her lover and says: “That was Frank. He told me not to worry and not to stay up and wait for him tonight cause he’s playing cards with you.”

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

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Cheating

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

My father has had a very difficult week

Someone stole his favorite playing cards and I don't know if he'll ever be able to deal with the loss.

A hostel in USSR

A banker went to Moscow, and he stayed in a hostel on Moscow's outskirts. Only available room has three other people in it - a group of friends. He had a very important meeting the next day, but his roommates were loud; drinking, playing cards and telling jokes about communism, Lenin, Stalin and USS...

Smart dog

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really sma...

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A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

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The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills a...

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A door to door salesman is making his rounds one day...

He approaches a house, and as he walks to the door, he sees a bunch of young boys in the living room. They're sitting around a table playing cards for money. There's smoke in the air, and liquor bottles all around the room.
He rings the doorbell, and the door is answered by a kid about eight yea...

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.




“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”




That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were going camping.

They set up their tent, started a campfire, and laid down their sleeping bags inside of the tent. After a few hours of playing cards and joking by the fire, they extinguished the fire and went to sleep. Holmes awoke Watson in the middle of the night and they looked up at the starry night sky.
...

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