As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Why did the plank lose his job?

He wasn't board certified

My carpenter friend brought me a single plank of wood by 5 o'clock today. I was livid!

"Whats wrong?" he asked.
"You told me you'd bring me 2 by 4!"

Why didn't the pirates bathe before walking the plank?

They figured they'd wash up on shore later.

what did the plank of wood say as it lay abandoned and immobile in a field for 50 years?

I'm board.

My dad told me to walk the plank,

I then said to him,"Can't we just get a dog."

You don't see people planking anymore,

but I hear they still do it at boarding school.

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

What do you call a dead body and two planks?

A "Build your own Jesus" kit.

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(Long) (Borrowed from Ron Swanson) McGregor walks into a bar...

McGregor walks into a bar and tells a man at the bar "I built this bar with my own hands. I cut the wood, laminated the planks, planed it down, and finished it. Do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No. Come outside with me." McGregor takes the man outside. He points to a stone wall and says, "I...

What is both heavier and lighter than a plank?

...a plank-ton!

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with 2 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Wood

What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I don't know but Edward Woodward would

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The cheapskate painter

A painter named Jack always tried to save a buck whenever he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He somehow managed to get away with this for some time.

One day, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid a...

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

Why doesn't a pirate take a shower before he walks the plank?

'Cause he'll just wash up on shore later.

I gave a speech on attaching wooden planks

I nailed it

What did the Pirate say to the plank as it was being installed on the ship?

Welcome a Board!

(Inspired by a comment I left on another post, though I'm confident it's been posted many times before)

Plank goes to a ball game

A small plank of wood goes to Watch a baseball game. For the first few innings, the plank is super into it. But by the seventh inning, its interest starts to fade.

A man nearby notices the fading enjoyment and starts up a conversation.

"Hey man, how you liking the game?" He asks. ...

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

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A tourist is backpacking through the highland of Scotland (Taken from Andrew Stanton’s Ted talk)

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in their is the bartender and an old man drinking a beer. He orders a pint and they sit in silence and drink for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and says, “ye see this ...

Someone asked my why I thought 'Planking' Died out...

I said because people became board with it.

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A traveling salesman walks into a bar. It's empty except for a guy sitting in one corner nursing a beer and looking terribly bitter. The salesman orders a drink and sits down at the old dude's table.

A traveling salesman walks into a bar. It's empty except for a guy sitting in one corner nursing a beer and looking terribly bitter. The salesman orders a drink and sits down at the old dude's table.

"What's got you so down, buddy?" he asks.

"You new in town?" the old drunk asks.
...

This 'Planking' craze has really taken off...

The old man who lives next door to me has been lying face-down in his back yard for three days now.

I was told to put two planks together

I totally nailed it.

On a recent evening a man came up to me at the front desk of my library. He was carrying a large plank of plywood.

On the plywood were copious amounts of what appeared to be a flour and water mix. He might have put yeast in it to make it airier and lighter. He had shaped the mixture into a kind of giant map. There was something I took to be divisions for states, or provinces. He'd created a facsimile of a capito...

Have you heard about the guy who didn't want to walk the plank?

He wasn't on board with it.

How to slow down time?

Plank.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

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What do you get when you cross a Jew with two planks of wood?

Christianity

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Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.


The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

3 men are on a hot air balloon

3 men are on a hot air balloon but it’s losing altitude. They need to get rid of things quickly.

The first man grabs some planks of wood and throws them off the side of the balloon.

The second man throws 3 heavy rocks off of the balloon.

The last man drops a bomb off the side....

Nailed it.

A Swedish guy was building a house. After having completed the foundation he went on to the walls. And while putting in the nails, he realised that holding the planks while nailing them would be easier if he had help. So he walked over to his new neighbour; a Danish guy. His neighbour agreed to help...

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A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"

The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."

Bartender asks, "what about...

A man is walking past an insane asylum.

As he passes the yard (which was surrounded by a high fence), he heard many voices from within chanting “seven, seven, seven” over and over again. He’s very curious as to why the patients could be chanting this number so he looks through a gap in the fence planks to have a look. Before he can see an...

What’s a pirate’s favorite yoga pose?

The plank.

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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.



He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.



The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:



"Young man, do you see this Pub? I built this P...

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

A guy gets stranded on a small island with a dog and a sheep...

After a few months, the sheep starts looking really pretty. But every time he makes a move on it, the dog growls menacingly. He tries to run up and shove it in the sheep before the dog notices, but the dog freaks out and starts biting him, so he runs off, leaving the sheep alone.

Then one da...

What's a pirate's favorite exercise?

The plank

Little Timmy and the Outhouse

There was a child on a farm named Timmy. Now Timmy loved growing up on the farm with his family. He enjoyed helping out in the fields, he loved feeding the sheep and cows, and he was always happy to help out in the barn. The one thing Timmy did not like, was having to clean out the outhouse. He abso...

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

What do you call it when you pull a practical joke on a pirate?

A plank.

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I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.<...

Why do pirates have such good core strength?

Planks

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One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

How did Jesus get washboard abs?

He did planks

A pirate captain bought a parrot in a petshop...

Every time one of his subordinates got out of hand, he would make them walk the plank. And whenever this happened, everyone would chant "Make him walk the plank! Make him walk the plank!". Eventually the parrot picked this up and would start chanting it all the time. This got so annoying, the captai...

Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

A pirate buys a cheap ship

One day, a pirate decided that it was time to be captain of his own ship. The only problem was that he didn't have much money, only a few gold pieces to his name.

So, he went to the local shipyard and spoke to a salesman. He handed over his gold and was brought a decent sized ship. He didn't ...

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the ...

My friend got mad at me after I kept hitting him with a wooden board.

I told him, “It’s just a plank, bro.”

“It’s just a plank.”

A magician is working on a cruise ship, but there is one problem.

The captain's parrot watches every show he does, and after figuring out the tricks, the parrot has started yelling out the secrets of how the tricks are done.

The bird says, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Hey! He's hiding the flowers under the table!"

The magician is enraged. Bu...

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Johan, the ...

I was passing through a local village and decided to take a break from my travels and rest at the inn. Fortunately, the inn was attached to the local pub in which all the locals gathered for evening drinks. After dropping my bags off, I was excited to spend time and get to the know the town folk. As...

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A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer.

He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"


The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, na...

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What the pirate say to the chocolate man?

Willy wonk the plank?



MADE DIS ONE BY MYSELFS! LOL

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Pirate joke

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him a tour. "There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing every day and there's the barrel for all your sexual needs. "
" Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?"
"Well, you stick your dick i...

Lee decides that he wants to find his place in the intricacy of the universe, and leaves his family to become a Buddhist monk...

He treks for days into the mountains, before finding a monastery, hundreds of miles from civilization. He enters the monastery, and bowing before the lama, requests to become a monk.

The lama accepts, but on one condition; he must only speak two words every five years. Still determined as eve...

A doctor working at a mental hospital is roaming the halls late one evening

He enters the room of two patients. Patient #1 is standing at a table, pretending to saw a long plank in half. Patient #2 is hanging by his feet from the ceiling.

"What are you doing?" The doctor asks the 1st patient.

"Sawing this piece of wood of course." The patient replies condesce...

A down on his luck magician takes a job on a cruise ship

and the captain has a parrot. Every time the magician does a trick the parrot squawks out the secret "Raawwwt he hid it in his sleeve" or "He's hidden behind the mirror. He's hidden behind the mirror Raaaaawttt!" thus always ruining the illusion.

One day the ship sinks and the magician finds ...

A Romanian and a Gypsy were next-door neighbors.

Everything about their houses, from the tiles on the roofs to the furniture inside to the planks in their fences, was identical.

One day, while talking over the fence, the Romanian says he's thinking of selling his house for $100k. The Gypsy stops to think for a few seconds before saying he'l...

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Two Australian construction workers

Two Australian construction workers, Pete and Mick, and working on the top floor a high rise building. Pete says to Mick - "I need to take a piss, but there's no dunny up here". Mick suggests that they extend a plank out over the side of the building, supported by Micks weight and that Pete walk out...

A mathematician and an engineer got a task:

They were given a plank with two nails; one hammered half way and one hammered all the way. There were asked to remove the nails from the plank.

The engineer didn't think much of it, grabbed pliers and quickly took both nails out.

The mathematician after some thought said:

"The ...

I was walking by a mental institution on my way to work

And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".

There is a university in Germany that continually searches for the biggest piece of wood

Its the Max Plank institute

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A Scotsman's Legacy

A young man is backpacking through Scotland and decides to stop in a little pub out in the middle of nowhere. There are only two other people in the bar, the bartender and an old man sitting at the counter nursing a beer. He take a seat at a stool a couple down from the old man and orders a pint. ...

A magician has been working on a cruise ship

...doing the same act for
many years. The audiences like him,
and they change often enough that he
doesn't have to worry about finding
new tricks. But the captain's parrot
sits in the back row and watches him
night after night, year after year.

After a while, the parr...

A pirate with one glass-eye brings his spanish crewmate and his friend who's sensitive to cold to sink an admiral's ship.

He fails miserably and the admiral makes them all walk the plank. As the pirate falls, his fake eye plops into the ocean. "eye, sea!" The pirate yells in frustration. As the friend falls, he shivers and states: "i-i-i-cy...". The Spanish crewmate falls and merely states "Aye, si."
The admiral wa...

Can I crash in your place tonight? Sure! But you're gonna have to make your own bed

Here are the wood planks, the nails and the toolbox

^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry

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I was in an empty bar.

The only other person in it besides the barkeep was this old man sitting at the other end. After a few minutes of silence, he looks up and asks me, "Do you know what they call me?"

"No. What do they call you?"

"You see this bar here? Well I built it. Cut the lumber and brought it over ...

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I originally heard Paul McCartney tell this joke on a YouTube video [long]

It was a while back so it's not a perfect transcript, plus imagine a nice English accent telling the joke, and it was probably posted here before but, here goes:

A man's car breaks down on a winding road far from anything. He notices a gate going up a hill leading to a small bar. He follows t...

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Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among anoth...

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

A man buys a house

The guy he buys it from says
"we printed out the deed but didn't have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?"
"That wooden deed"

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Man at a bar

A young man was walking through the Irish countryside when he saw a bar and decided to go in and have a beer.

He got in and sat down next to an old man and ordered a beer.

The old man turns to him and says, "Son, do you know who I am?"
The young man says, "No, who are you?"
"My n...

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Pirate joke!

So Long John Silver's was looking for a mascot to sell their fish on T.V and they were looking for a pirate.

So the first audition walks in and he is the perfect pirate! Peg leg, eye patch and hook for a hand, the perfect pirate look.

The interviewer talks to him for a little bit and f...

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My go-to joke

Seamus is out walking with his grandson Angus, and he says "Angus, your da told me to give you a little talk about legacy. Ya got to be careful with what you do in life, because it'll stick with ya"

"You see that bridge over there? I cut every stone down in the quarry, lugged them up to to th...

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