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Phoned Jokes

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

"Where are you?" she moaned.

"I'm at the pub," I replied.

She said, "I think the baby's coming!"

I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

I phoned up my local take away and asked for a kebab.

I said: do you deliver? The guy said no, just lamb or chicken!

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The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Very critical," replied the officer.


"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Scotsman: Sorry boss I have a wee cough so I will not be in today.

Boss: You have a wee cough?

Scotsman: says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

I phoned my wife.

I said, "I've got something to tell you, but it's hard to say."

She said nervously "Go on."

I said. "Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead."

I phoned my work this morning...

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent...

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent... And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told her..."give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and ...

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

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My wife phoned me.

"There are two men standing outside," she whispered in a panic. "I think they are going to break in to our house."

I said, "If they force their way in, don't let them have anything good. Ok?"

"Ok, ok. I'll try my best!" she cried.

I said, "No television, no Xbo...

I phoned my boss to say I was sick

He said: "How sick are you?"

I said: "Well, I'm in bed with my sister"

My wife phoned me while she was on holiday.

"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?"

I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact."

"What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!"

I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."

So I phoned the Amputee Hotline the other day

I got cut-off.

My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying.......

.......and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said that she had just seen her x-ray, I said don't speak to him just walk away.......

My wife just phoned me and said that her car has broken down.

I told her to whisper it some words of encouragement.

Why did Trump just phoned Putin?

He was impatient to find out who won the election.

Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her.

Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?

Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.

Guy: Scrambled.?

Her: No, Cadbury's.

A young woman phoned her dad in tears:

“When I was driving to work today, my car spluttered and died. I walked home to see if Tom could give me a lift but I found him in bed with the girl from across the road. What should I do?”

Her dad replied “well, first I would check to see if there’s petrol in the tank, otherwise the carburet...

I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me to do the splits.

The receptionist asked, "How flexible are you?"

I answered, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I phoned the Drugs Awareness helpline today.

"Can I speak to the Cocaine Councillor please" I asked. "You'll have to wait" he replied,"he's on another line."

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence.
The senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
becau...

An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom with blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence and a bush blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied

The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband........

“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”





“That’s great” replied the husband. “By the way, who is this?”

My boss phoned me today...

My boss phoned me today. He said
"Is everything OK at the office?"
I said "It is all under control.
" It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take
a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor" he asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the...

I phoned in sick today

"Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."

My friend phoned me.

He said, "My wife has lost her new puppy. It's a fat hairy thing with bulbous eyes."

I said, "Great description, but what about the dog?"

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the bac...

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I phoned a Chinese restaurant. A guy answered and said "Hello, I'm Wang King the chef"

I said "Don't worry, l'll call back later when you're not busy "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I phoned my boss on his day off.

"We've got a power problem," I told him.

"Describe it to me..." he continued.

I said, "Everybody thinks you're a dickhead."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."

"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.

"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."

I phoned my boss.

I said, "I'm calling in sick tomorrow."

"But, how do you know you're going to be ill?" he asked.

I swear, sometimes he forgets that he works in a psychic shop.

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza...

^(The salesgirl asked him: Do you want your usual?, deep pan, crisp and even?)

A guy phoned the emergency hot line, please come quick, my son has just swallowed a condom, ten minutes later he phoned again saying don't bother.

I have found another one.

How did the Aussie tell his brother that his Dad phoned

Boomerang Bro.

I phoned my wife today and said...

"Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."

"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.

I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"

"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama

A guy phoned and asked if I was interested in switching to an alternative energy supply...

I said “ No, I think I’ll stick with food thanks!”

My boss phoned me.

"You're late."

I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied.

I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception.

“Hi, this is room 317. Can I have a wake-up call, please?”

The receptionist replied, “Yes. You’re fat, in your 40′s and given you’re staying in such a cheap hotel probably haven’t achieved much in your life.”

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client......

He said, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimu...

I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.

They told me steps had been put in place.

So I phoned the drugs helpline and the voice on the phone said " For advice on cannabis"

Press 'hash'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company...

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I phoned the police. I said, "Somebody stole my Viagra!"

The guy said, "Can you expand on that?"

I said, "Yes. That's its exact purpose."

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"

I replied, "But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"

She said, "Record it and watch it later."

You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod…

I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.



"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

How do you know a shirt has phoned you?

Collar ID

Putin phoned Trump to thank him for information on planned bombings.

Putin: Thank you for the tip.

Trump: But I did not tell you anything.

Putin: Now CIA thinks you did.

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...

They assured him he would be covered.

I phoned my partner while I was in the car after picking the kids up from school.

"You don't like being a single mum, do you?" I asked her.

She said, "No, I don't."

I said, "Well, if I changed that, how would that make you feel?"

"Oh my goodness!" she replied, unable to contain herself. "Are you going to propose?"

I said, "No, I've just driven our car ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son's teacher phoned today, "I've just caught your son having sex with Lucy Jones, I'm totally disgusted."

"So am I," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?"

My friend phoned me up at three in the morning.

He said, "Can you pick me up from the bar?"

I said, "No mate, my arms aren't that long."

A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my balls...

Weirdo never showed up.

I phoned my insurance agent earlier and asked him for a quote.

He said " I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

I replied "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Oscar Wilde, 1882 ".

My wife went into labour several weeks earlier than her due date. So I phoned the doctor to ask what we should do. “Is this her first child?” He asked...

“No I’m her husband” I replied.

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