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Cellphone Jokes

A cellphone goes on trial

Its guilty as charged

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

Did you hear about the guy who traded his car for an old cellphone?

Now he’s got Nokia

Why is cellphone reception so good in Wisconsin

Even the smallest towns have at least 4 bars

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.

“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village...

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....

I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks!

Eight days ago when she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's
gone straight to voicemail ever since.

Did you guys hear about the two cellphone towers that got married?

It was a nice ceremony, but the reception was *amazing.*

A hobbit always sets his cellphone to vibrate.

Because he’s afraid the ring would give him away.

Do you know why the cellphone got arrested?

He was trying to steal from a power bank. He was charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a chameleon bum and a cellphone have in common?

They can change the ringtone.

My cellphone got wet, so I put it in rice, but I don't think it's working.

The soy sauce just made things worse.

Yesterday i've donated my purse,watch and cellphone to a poor guy.

You Can't imagine the happiness that I felt as i saw him putting his gun back in his pocket

A boy loses his cellphone

A boy loses his precious cellphone and asks his dad if he had seen it anywhere. His dad asks the boy

"Why don't you call it?"

"I left it on silent"

"Well you know what they say"

"What?"

"If you like it then you should've put a ring on it"

A telemarketer called me up 15 minutes ago on my cellphone (they call every fxxking day)

He said, "We have a vehicle warranty and have noticed that you are in need of one."

I said, "How do you know that I am in need of a warranty right now?"

He said, "Your previous warranty just recently lapsed and we need to make sure that you are continually covered."

I said, "I a...

A cellphone get into a horrible accident

At the hospital, his friend goes to visit him.

He says, "Wow, you were really lucky, even though the doctors said the accident completely wiped your memory, everything else is fine."

The cellphone says, " Oh, I guess I'll need to buy some glasses then."

"But why? Your cameras ar...

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I get angry when my cellphone battery dies

My therapist suggested that I find an outlet.

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

What do you call a cellphone company that uses nuclear power?

Cher-Mobile

As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking

Are you my tinder date?

What does a C++ function and a cellphone activated suicide bomber have in common?

Both are executed when they're called.

How are children like cellphones?

If you’ve lost one and haven’t found it in a couple days, chances are it’s probably dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows that 60% of people use their cellphones to cheat on their partners.

The remaining 40% prefer to use their penis.

what does cellphone reception and princess diana have in common?

They both die in tunnels

A joke my girlfriend told me

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance

"See that over there? What is that?" Says the first crow

The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it"

"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a...

Sweetie, will you buy me a cellphone?

**Her**: Sweetie, will you buy me a cellphone?

**Him**: What about the other one?

**Her**: The other one is buying me a tablet.

There are those who check their cellphone battery life at the end of a work day to see how much they goofed off..

And then there are those with cellphone chargers.

How do you talk with bacteria?

By cellphone.

Coming Your Way Soon!

An old guy is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cellphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway."

"It's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a blonde was driving down the road when her car broke

She notices that her cellphone battery is was dead, so she heads to the nearest motel and talks to the owner

"Please, can you help me, I don't have a penny on me, my car is broken and I need to make a phone call"

"I don't run a charity, but if you do me a favor I might help you"
...

Things to expect when you're expecting

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a bit, his cellphone rings and he answers it to hear his pregnant wife on the line out of breath and panting loudly. "Where are you!" she moans. "I'm down at the bar," the guy replies. "I think the baby is coming!" she gasps. "Well he won't get in," th...

Why I don't trust photos taken from a cellphone camera

They seem...phony

If you drop your cellphone in water put it in a bowl of rice...

It will attract an Asian who will fix it for you. (just heard from buddy of mine)

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

Try your luck!

Want to win a new cellphone for Christmas?
Scratch below with a nail.

▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓
▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓

Good luck!!!

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Three World Leaders in a Sauna

(Then) President Barack Obama, Russian "President" Vladimir Putin, and (Former) Mexican President Felipe Calderon are all sitting naked in a Sauna. Their reason? Discussion for the next plan regarding world peace.

Somewhere along the line, a very low, barely present vibration is felt all arou...

Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they don’t know how to use cellphones.

How do cells communicate with each other?

Cellphones!

I do not follow any order!

\+ Your cellphone battery is at 5%. Connect your charger.

\- Ok.

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.

At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.

Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and se...

Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"

"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."

"Did I dial the wrong number?

"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."

"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."

"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"

"The usual? You know what my usua...

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

Here's a very Jewish joke I thought of while in Shabbat service

A Rabbi goes to one of the regulars and exclaims
"MOSHE! You bring your cellphone and your wallet to Shul in Shabbat? How could you even think of doing that in Shabbat?"

To which Moshe responds "Well, Rabbi, I'm sorry, but where else was I supposed to put my driver's license??"

Community Problems

A politician goes to a far-flung village and asks what the problems in the community are.

"There are two problems here, Sir," one of the villagers say. "The first problem is that we have a clinic but no doctor."

Upon hearing this, the politician gets his cellphone and talks to someone....

I was in a job interview today and the manager handed me this laptop...

... and said “I want you to try to sell this to me”


So I picked up the laptop and put it under my arm then walked out the building and headed home.


A few hours later the manager called me on my cellphone and demanded I bring it back immediately. I told him $300 and it’...

When I was in college...

I liked a girl very much but I was afraid to approach her.One day my friend suggested to write my cellphone number on dollar bill and give it to her. I did likewise and told her it was dropped from her wallet.
The girl took it and went straight to the college cafe. She bought a burger and gave th...

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I hate it when my girlfriend tells me she's about to come

I have shitty cellphone reception.

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

A Husband's Generosity

A group of men is at the gym club when a cellphone rings. One of the men answers:

"Yes?" he answers

"Hun, is that you? I can hardly hear you."

"Hello!"

"Are you at the gym?"

"Yes!"

"I'm in front of the fur shop and they have this beautiful mink coat. Can I ...

Snake Bite

John and Jake was walking in the woods when John decided to take a leak in a bush. While Jake waited for John to finish his business he heard John screamed and ran to him.

John: "JAKE HELP!"

Jake: "what happened?"

John: "a snake bit my d***!"

Jake: "hang on i will call...

Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can ...

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

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A Blonde Joke

A blonde woman and her dad decided to take a trip to Egypt for their vacation. A few hours into the hike in the desert, the blonde realizes she's lost her dad. Thinking she can easily call him, the woman checks her cellphone. Unfortunately there's no signal.

However, she sees in a distan...

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

So, two guys went hunting

During the hunt, one of them holds his chest, lets out a scream and faints. The other man hurried over, checks his breathing and frantically takes out his cellphone to call 911.


Operator: 911. What's your emergency?

Man: Help! I think my friend is dead! He is not breathing!

...

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So me and this girl have been getting together pretty regularly to play Scrabble on the weekends...

...the other day we decided to meet at a bar after work and I made a joke about how it's too bad we can't play Scrabble in the bar, hoping she'd say, "We can still play Scrabble on our cellphones!" because everybody knows about those Scrabble apps, right? (Man, I could really go for a good game of S...

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

Two men are playing teeing off during a round of golf.

Two men are teeing off during a round of golf when one of the men hooks his shot horribly right into a large area of brush.

"Tough luck that ones a goner, my friend."

"Not a problem! Give me just a second and I will find it and be right back."

The golfer trudges off the fairway...

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A woman decides to prank his husband

So she writes a letter that goes like this:


"Im sick of your shit. Im leaving you, I cant stand you anymore, do not look for me, You are the worst mistake of my life"


She leaves it on his nightstand and hides under the bed to see his reaction.

When the husband arrives, ...

Doing a 2-minute standup performance of some sort in a tech press conference in a few hours and am in desperate need for some material.

Jokes about computers, programming, cellphones, or what have you. So long as it's brief, appropriate to the theme (technology), and in good taste. I'll be very grateful for all the input. Please, I have no skill in joke-writing, but am decent at public speaking, I just need to borrow good some mater...

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A kid receives an assignment from his teacher..

.. To write down 3 commonly used phrases, from around his house.

So the kid goes home and tries to ask his dad, who replies 'fuck off, i'm busy working!'.

So the kid writes that down.

Next, he goes to his younger brother, who is watching batman for the 20th time that day and sin...

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A slight variation of an old joke

One day a man who had just gone through a very bitter divorce was walking on the beach. He notices something glittering in the sand and digs it out and holds it up. It appeared to be a gold, antique teapot. He rubbed it with his sleeve to brush the sand off and suddenly in a puff of smoke, a genie a...

Three guys talking in a bar ...

Their names are Somebody, Nobody, and Crazy. All three are having a political discussion and things start to heat up between Somebody and Nobody. Crazy fails to calm them down. Then this escalate and Nobody picks up a bottle and smashes it in the table then holds the broken bottle up to somebody's n...

John

After a long day at work this woman was on her way home on the train and closed her eyes to rest. After departing the station a male that was sitting next to her took his cellphone out and started a conversation with a rather loud voice.
"Hello sweetheart, John here, i am in the train. Yes i know...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

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A Panda Bear wins a free trip to NYC....

This Giant Panda boards his flight from China and after a long flight he arrives in New York. He decides to do some tourist stuff and go sightseeing. As he is walking down the crowded and busy streets of NYC, so many people are taking photos and selfies with him. The panda is feeling like a rocksta...

An Italian, an Egyptian and a Greek...

...were fighting over whose ancestors had the most advanced civilization.

The Romans were the most advanced said the Italian. And I'm going to prove it to you. Here's a photograph
from a recent excavation site under the Colloseum. What do you see?

The Egyptian and the Greek after st...

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.



When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see ...

During a drought, a farmer remembers hearing about a native tribe who's rain dance is said to work every time...

so the next day he gets in his pickup and heads out to visit the tribes chief.

When he gets there he asks if the tribe would be able to preform a rain dance for him.

"Yes, we can call the spirits of water with our dance, but first I must gather the tribe, and my son is two states away ...

Four college guys wanted to go on a trip but they would be late for an exam...

Four college guys wanted to go on a trip but they would be late for an important exam.
They decided they would go and make up a sob story to the professor when they were back. So they went on with the trip and came back late for the exam as expected.
Since they had a bunch of pictures on s...

Three business guys are golfing

and in the middle of discussing their various white collar crimes, they hear a cell phone ringing.

The first guy puts his hand up to head and starts talking into it. He explains that he has a mic and antenna built into his hand for a cellphone because he's just that rich.

They hear ano...

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Technology Man

A man walks into a bar holding up his forearm to the side of his face carrying on a business conversation. The bartender watches the man continue his conversation for a good 30 minutes before removing his forearm from his face and pushing his forearm with his thumb. The bartender, believing this man...

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F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.

A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".

He sits down, ...

Whos on first recreation

Hello 911 what's your emerengcy?

There's some people over here robing the bank

Sir I got you using your cellphone where's the bank?

It's the Wellsfargo on Main st

Are you inside the building?

Yeah I'm hiding but they have hostages

Ok sir stay on the line I'm...

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