How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

What do you call a laptop that can sing?

A Dell

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

Which laptops do Taliban use?

infiDELL

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

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If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

How do you catch a runaway laptop?

**With an internet.**

an old man reads Deuteronomy on his laptop to fall asleep on airplanes. what is that called?

elder scrolls 5, sky rem.

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...

I just bought my first oakwood theme laptop and I'm so excited.

I'm having trouble logging in though.

The day when my laptop was bored :(

The other day, my laptop asked me "Can we do something **hot,** just turn me on?!"

I replied, "Absolutely!!"

I opened **Android Studio** along with **30 chrome tabs**.





It was the **hottest thing** we ever did.

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Had to go see the doctor today.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.


Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces.

She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...



The boy ...

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

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A man has an interview for a Sales Manager position at a company.

During the interview, the Hiring Manager pulls out a brand new laptop and sets it on the desk in front of him.

“If you’re as good as you say you are – sell me this laptop.”

The man picks the device up, studied it for a few seconds, then puts it under his arm and walks out the door.
...

I played the USSR national anthem on my Lenovo laptop...

... now it's a Leninovo

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him put the knife back in his pocket.

I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

I once had to set up MS OneNote on my laptop......

My brother asked "Dad what is onenote?" and my dad explained this to him saying its like evernote where you can keep notes on your computer. Suddenly my brother asked " Wait, why is it called onenote not manynote if it can hold lots of notes?



yea im not that funny IK

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

How do you greet a friendly laptop in the mountains?

Yo Dell

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called Apple support.

They asked, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'

I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'

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Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

What does a homeless guy do first when he finds a laptop?

He searches through the Recycle bin.

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Man and wife were making up a password for their new laptop

Man: "Hmm... I think it should be MYPENIS."

Wife types that in and stats laughing.

Man: "Why are you laughing?"

Wife turns the screen to him.

Man reads: "ERROR! NOT LONG ENOUGH"

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

I've just spotted my name on a neighbor's laptop. Stalker alert surely ?

Just as well I bought those new binoculars.

Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

I bought some RGB laptop RAM but it was defective.

It was so dimm.

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

How many laptops does HP make?

A pavilion

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

What type of coffee wake you up the best in the morning?

Any coffee that spilt over your laptop.

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

What is a Audit?

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the...

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I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

I painted my laptop black.

Now it runs faster.

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

I use Microsoft's search engine on my laptop & it explodes. So I take it to the Italian repair guy

He says "What's the problem with your computer? Please keep it brief"
I say "Bad-a-Bing Bad-a-boom!"

Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

Do you know what laptop sings the best?

A dell

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$

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I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

What do you call it when a guy throws hes laptop in the ocean

Adele, rolling in the deep

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

My dog ate my homework

It was on my laptop, so it took a couple bytes, but he got there in the end.

My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

I told my boss...

“Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

"Hard drive?" he asked.

"No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop."

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

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What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

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I too like my women like I like my laptop.

Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it.

Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history

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What's the difference between Paul Walker and my laptop?

I actually give a fuck when my laptop crashes

A redditor and a regular guy was about to die of old age.

A regular guy was about to die of old age. The doctors ask him for a last wish.He wished to die in the embrace of my wife. So the doctors scheduled a time of privacy. When the time came, the doctor went to monitor his vitals in another room to make sure he was ok. Moans came out of the room and late...

I always have the hardest time seeing laptop RAM

It's just that the sticks are sodimm.

That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

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