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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

I played the USSR national anthem on my Lenovo laptop...

... now it's a Leninovo

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

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A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy

Can’t express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

What does a homeless guy do first when he finds a laptop?

He searches through the Recycle bin.

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

“Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm”.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called Apple support.

They asked, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'

I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'

I've just spotted my name on a neighbor's laptop. Stalker alert surely ?

Just as well I bought those new binoculars.

How do you greet a friendly laptop in the mountains?

Yo Dell

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I bought some RGB laptop RAM but it was defective.

It was so dimm.

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

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Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

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Man and wife were making up a password for their new laptop

Man: "Hmm... I think it should be MYPENIS."

Wife types that in and stats laughing.

Man: "Why are you laughing?"

Wife turns the screen to him.

Man reads: "ERROR! NOT LONG ENOUGH"

Italian Computer Repair shop

Everytime I try to use Microsoft's search engine on my Italian laptop, the computer explodes. I took it to my Italian Computer repair store. The Italian repairman said "What seems to be the problem? Please keep it brief" so I said "Bad-a-Bing, Bad-a-boom!"

How many laptops does HP make?

A pavilion

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

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I was bit in the ass by an alligator just the other day.

Last month, I sat on a hot grill.
In June I fell through me toilet and got wet.
In January, I accidentally sat on my laptop and broke it.
I really should have looked where I was going.
This being said, I guessed I lacked hindsight in 2020.

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

A man goes to the doctor

"Help me", he says, "I think I might be asthmatic because I have a really hard time breathing"

The doctor performes a couple of tests and tells him: "From now on, I want you to sleep with your windows wide open."

A week later the man comes to the doctor again. The doctor asks him: "So,...

I painted my laptop black.

Now it runs faster.

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

Do you know what laptop sings the best?

A dell

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I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

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I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

What do you call it when a guy throws hes laptop in the ocean

Adele, rolling in the deep

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

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My house must be haunted

Every night i wake up to the sound of my laptop playing porn.

Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

“Did you know there’s a spider on your laptop?”

Yeah. He’s looking for a website.

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.

Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

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What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

An Army cadet has the worst assignment on base, overnight monitor of the armory where the weapons are stored.

He's required to log a summary on the base laptop at the end of each shift and it's always the same: "All well". After a week he gets sick of sitting there bored for hours so instead he writes the summary at the beginning of the night and then sneaks off to sleep instead. This goes on fine for a m...

please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

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What's the difference between Paul Walker and my laptop?

I actually give a fuck when my laptop crashes

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Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

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I too like my women like I like my laptop.

Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it.

I always have the hardest time seeing laptop RAM

It's just that the sticks are sodimm.

A policeman arrests a well dressed man in a suit and tie, walking down the Main Street of the city talking on his cell.

The man has a desk strapped to his back, complete with laptop, printer and filing cabinet. He has a dustbin on his head.

“Hold on councillor, I have a policeman trying to arrest me, and I haven’t got a clue why.” He turns and asks “What are the charges?”

“Impersonating an office, Sir”

That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?

Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

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My mate injured his penis in a surfing incident.

He had to shut his laptop quickly when his wife came home unexpectedly

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Me to Doctor: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident. Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me:

No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

What do Justin Bieber and an AMD laptop have in common

The fans are going wild

A cat walks in a coffee bar

A cat walks in a coffee bar. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.

Barte...

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

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