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If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

The day when my laptop was bored :(

The other day, my laptop asked me "Can we do something **hot,** just turn me on?!"

I replied, "Absolutely!!"

I opened **Android Studio** along with **30 chrome tabs**.





It was the **hottest thing** we ever did.

You know the similarity between my brain and my laptop hard disk?

Both are actively deleting memory and I can't figure out why

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...



The boy ...

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces.

She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy

Can’t express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

I played the USSR national anthem on my Lenovo laptop...

... now it's a Leninovo

Guess who ISN'T getting a laptop this year?

Hunter biden

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

What is a Audit?

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the...

My dog ate my homework

It was on my laptop, so it took a couple bytes, but he got there in the end.

How do you greet a friendly laptop in the mountains?

Yo Dell

What does a homeless guy do first when he finds a laptop?

He searches through the Recycle bin.

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called Apple support.

They asked, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'

I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'

I've just spotted my name on a neighbor's laptop. Stalker alert surely ?

Just as well I bought those new binoculars.

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

I told my boss...

“Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

"Hard drive?" he asked.

"No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop."

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Man and wife were making up a password for their new laptop

Man: "Hmm... I think it should be MYPENIS."

Wife types that in and stats laughing.

Man: "Why are you laughing?"

Wife turns the screen to him.

Man reads: "ERROR! NOT LONG ENOUGH"

I bought some RGB laptop RAM but it was defective.

It was so dimm.

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

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Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

How many laptops does HP make?

A pavilion

A redditor and a regular guy was about to die of old age.

A regular guy was about to die of old age. The doctors ask him for a last wish.He wished to die in the embrace of my wife. So the doctors scheduled a time of privacy. When the time came, the doctor went to monitor his vitals in another room to make sure he was ok. Moans came out of the room and late...

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

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LONG: A shepherd and a young guy

A shepherd was watching his sheep, enjoying a nice sunny afternoon when, in a cloud of dust, a 2021 BMW x6 stops on the nearby road, the window rolls down and a young guy asks "Hey, old man, if I can guess correctly the number of animals you're watching, can I have a sheep for free?". "Sure" says th...

I use Microsoft's search engine on my laptop & it explodes. So I take it to the Italian repair guy

He says "What's the problem with your computer? Please keep it brief"
I say "Bad-a-Bing Bad-a-boom!"

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I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

I painted my laptop black.

Now it runs faster.

Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

Do you know what laptop sings the best?

A dell

What did the IT guy say to the client who keeps dropping off his laptop to get serviced?

"I've already told you, it's an ID-10T problem"

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$

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I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

A remote laptop user calls tech support

A remote laptop user called in and frantically said that all of her emails disappeared. I found them in her deleted folder a few moments later.

Expecting her to want me to tell her how she deleted them, I was trying to come up with solutions for her but then she said, "I know how those got...

I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.

Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

“Did you know there’s a spider on your laptop?”

Yeah. He’s looking for a website.

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

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What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

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What's the difference between Paul Walker and my laptop?

I actually give a fuck when my laptop crashes

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

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I too like my women like I like my laptop.

Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it.

A man goes to the doctor

"Help me", he says, "I think I might be asthmatic because I have a really hard time breathing"

The doctor performes a couple of tests and tells him: "From now on, I want you to sleep with your windows wide open."

A week later the man comes to the doctor again. The doctor asks him: "So,...

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I was bit in the ass by an alligator just the other day.

Last month, I sat on a hot grill.
In June I fell through me toilet and got wet.
In January, I accidentally sat on my laptop and broke it.
I really should have looked where I was going.
This being said, I guessed I lacked hindsight in 2020.

That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?

Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history

I just installed TempleOS on my old laptop, and that divine touch has brought it back to life.

The battery charge alone lasts five years.

What's an emo's favourite laptop?

A "Razer Blade"

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

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My house must be haunted

Every night i wake up to the sound of my laptop playing porn.

What do Justin Bieber and an AMD laptop have in common

The fans are going wild

Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

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