Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him put the knife back in his pocket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

What does a homeless guy do first when he finds a laptop?

He searches through the Recycle bin.

How do you greet a friendly laptop in the mountains?

Yo Dell

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

“Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm”.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

I bought some RGB laptop RAM but it was defective.

It was so dimm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help....

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man and wife were making up a password for their new laptop

Man: "Hmm... I think it should be MYPENIS."

Wife types that in and stats laughing.

Man: "Why are you laughing?"

Wife turns the screen to him.

Man reads: "ERROR! NOT LONG ENOUGH"

Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

I thought I was going crazy when I heard my laptop singing

It makes sense though since it’s a Dell.

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

I painted my laptop black.

Now it runs faster.

How many laptops does HP make?

A pavilion

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

Which laptop got straight A's in school?

An Acer

Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?

“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”


“No, not a soul, actually.”


“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

explains why the laptop was so cheap

I opened my mail and found a chrome hook..

guess I'll need to pay closer attention before I bid on a new laptop.



\[based on a true story\]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

A policeman arrests a well dressed man in a suit and tie, walking down the Main Street of the city talking on his cell.

The man has a desk strapped to his back, complete with laptop, printer and filing cabinet. He has a dustbin on his head.

“Hold on councillor, I have a policeman trying to arrest me, and I haven’t got a clue why.” He turns and asks “What are the charges?”

“Impersonating an office, Sir”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a laptop used only for fart porn?

CumPooter.

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

Do you know what laptop sings the best?

A dell

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

An Army cadet has the worst assignment on base, overnight monitor of the armory where the weapons are stored.

He's required to log a summary on the base laptop at the end of each shift and it's always the same: "All well". After a week he gets sick of sitting there bored for hours so instead he writes the summary at the beginning of the night and then sneaks off to sleep instead. This goes on fine for a m...

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

A cat walks in a coffee bar

A cat walks in a coffee bar. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.

Barte...

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

Three professors are on a hunting trip

After hours of trudging through the woods, they spot their first game of the day: a deer sleeping soundly in the middle of a clearing.

The first one, a physicist, takes out his notebook and uses the equations of motion to aim his rifle at the perfect angle. Bang! His bullet whizzes past the d...

Why did the stormtrooper call tech support for his laptop?

Because he had troubleshooting issues.

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

A remote laptop user calls tech support

A remote laptop user called in and frantically said that all of her emails disappeared. I found them in her deleted folder a few moments later.

Expecting her to want me to tell her how she deleted them, I was trying to come up with solutions for her but then she said, "I know how those got...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me to Doctor: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident. Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me:

No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate injured his penis in a surfing incident.

He had to shut his laptop quickly when his wife came home unexpectedly

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an annoying guy, I wish women were like laptops.

They get turned on when I push their buttons.

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old joke about the internet still relevant

And so what have we learned through this ordeal? The Internet went away. It came back. But for how long we do not know. We cannot take the Internet for granted any longer. We as a country must stop over-logging -on. We must use the Internet only when we need it. It's easy for us to think we can just...

Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

Why are laptops always wanted by the police?

Because they are charged with battery.

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

I always have the hardest time seeing laptop RAM

It's just that the sticks are sodimm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my laptop?

I actually give a fuck when my laptop crashes

That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?

Mom: what were you doing for an hour in the toilet?

Me: i was flushing 1500 terabytes worth of data

Mom: you had your laptop with you in the toilet?

Me: Sure

I just installed TempleOS on my old laptop, and that divine touch has brought it back to life.

The battery charge alone lasts five years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I too like my women like I like my laptop.

Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.