I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

I painted my laptop black.

Now it runs faster.

Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

Which laptop got straight A's in school?

An Acer

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

How many laptops does HP make?

A pavilion

My friend always asks me "Why do you put your laptop on top of a cooling rack when you're using it?"

I told him "Because this site uses cookies."

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I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell.

Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

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Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

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What do you call a laptop used only for fart porn?

CumPooter.

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

Do you know what laptop sings the best?

A dell

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

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I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

Why did the stormtrooper call tech support for his laptop?

Because he had troubleshooting issues.

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

A remote laptop user calls tech support

A remote laptop user called in and frantically said that all of her emails disappeared. I found them in her deleted folder a few moments later.

Expecting her to want me to tell her how she deleted them, I was trying to come up with solutions for her but then she said, "I know how those got...

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

We have desktops and laptops.....

..... shouldn't our phones be called handtops?

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

Hey baby, are you a laptop?

Because you're real hot.

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

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What’s the difference between my laptop and Paul Walker?

...I gave fuck when my laptop crashed.

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

Why are laptops always wanted by the police?

Because they are charged with battery.

My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

I always have the hardest time seeing laptop RAM

It's just that the sticks are sodimm.

That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?

please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

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What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

Mom: what were you doing for an hour in the toilet?

Me: i was flushing 1500 terabytes worth of data

Mom: you had your laptop with you in the toilet?

Me: Sure

I'm so tired of my phone carrier...

I had the Wi-Fi hotspot on and I was connected from my laptop, the signal was awful and I ran out of data

I tell you what, I'm at the end of my tether...

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I too like my women like I like my laptop.

Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it.

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

What do Justin Bieber and an AMD laptop have in common

The fans are going wild

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persis...

My laptop said hello to me....

I think it's "a Dell"

Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history

Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the...

A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill

The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab

We had a power outage today...

...and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn't charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn't play golf and I couldn't fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and t...

Dollar pints

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try ...

The down arrow key on my laptop isn't functional. IT asked me if they should call the on-site repair guy to come in today...

I told them it wasn't pressing.

Vegetative state

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking 2 my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her: 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all ...

Job Interview

\- How was your job interview yesterday?

\- Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table... He pointed towards his Laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop.. H...

Why did the spy steal the laptop?

It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.

A lame German joke in translation

At the doctors office:


Did you take my advice and sleep with the window open?


Yes, I did.


So, did the cough disappear?


The only thing that's disappeared is my laptop and my smartphone.

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I was playing Football Manager on my laptop when I was offered the Milan job.

I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

How do you catch a runaway laptop?

With an Internet.

As soon as I plugged in my laptop, all my files became unreadable.

I guess power corrupts.

I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

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