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Laptop Jokes

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If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

why did the blonde use her hair dryer on the laptop?

It was frozen
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How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee
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I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."
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arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell
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Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket
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Windows should pay my laptop

It's always working on updates.
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What is more terrifying than a mechanic with a laptop?

What is more terrifying than a mechanic with a laptop?

A programmer with a screwdriver.
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Which laptops do Taliban use?

infiDELL
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was watching porn on my laptop when my roomate slapped his weed sticker on it so hard that it crashed.

Stickers and stoners can break my boners...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you the bottom of my laptop ?

Cuz you’re hot as fuck and I’m getting nervous .

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.
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I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...
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Hugh Jackman films a movie in the Swiss Alps and loses his Dell laptop.

Just when he thinks it's lost forever, he is grateful to see it found, in the hands of a yodeler who tells him:

"Your Dell lay here, Hugh!"
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I put horns on my laptop

to improve it's RAM capability
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i have a nice laptop at home.

one day I was outside playing some ball game with some girls when one of the girls asked me to come over. I said yes of course, **as usual**. We get there, take off our shoes, and she stripped naked and laid down on the bed. Then she told me to take what I want, so i took the laptop and went home.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Laptop Speakers! Too quiet for music ...

Yet too loud for porn

What gets burning hot right before it freezes?

A laptop.
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How do you catch a runaway laptop?

**With an internet.**
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What do you call a laptop that can sing?

A Dell
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What do you call a phone + laptop hybrid?

A Teletoppy.
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Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.
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Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$
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Not looking forward to one day having to buy a Quantum Laptop Computer...

I *still* haven't even finished paying the last bill from my Quantum Mechanic!
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New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell
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The day when my laptop was bored :(

The other day, my laptop asked me "Can we do something **hot,** just turn me on?!"

I replied, "Absolutely!!"

I opened **Android Studio** along with **30 chrome tabs**.





It was the **hottest thing** we ever did.
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My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack
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My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS
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Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.
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Q: What do you call a laptop that belts out power ballads?

A: A *Dell*!
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Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She appr...

How many laptops does HP make?

A pavilion
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop,

Or Finding Out He Was In All Of Them

How do you greet a friendly laptop in the mountains?

Yo Dell
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I played the USSR national anthem on my Lenovo laptop...

... now it's a Leninovo
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The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...
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I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus
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What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao
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My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...
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I just bought my first oakwood theme laptop and I'm so excited.

I'm having trouble logging in though.
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I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep
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Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.
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My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on
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Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect
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I bought some RGB laptop RAM but it was defective.

It was so dimm.
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Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB
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The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.
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TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.
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explains why the laptop was so cheap

I opened my mail and found a chrome hook..

guess I'll need to pay closer attention before I bid on a new laptop.



\[based on a true story\]
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What does a homeless guy do first when he finds a laptop?

He searches through the Recycle bin.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man and wife were making up a password for their new laptop

Man: "Hmm... I think it should be MYPENIS."

Wife types that in and stats laughing.

Man: "Why are you laughing?"

Wife turns the screen to him.

Man reads: "ERROR! NOT LONG ENOUGH"

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*
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I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.
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I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces.

She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.
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I painted my laptop black.

Now it runs faster.
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please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.
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A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...
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My laptop's running so hot....

That Frodo just walked in and chucked the one ring on it.
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That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?
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Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM
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My laptop said hello to me....

I think it's "a Dell"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called Apple support.

They asked, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'

I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'
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Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.
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My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!
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My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case
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“Did you know there’s a spider on your laptop?”

Yeah. He’s looking for a website.
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My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.
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I always have the hardest time seeing laptop RAM

It's just that the sticks are sodimm.
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Why did the spy steal the laptop?

It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.
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I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.
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Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.
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I spilled coffee on my laptop.

now it won't go into sleep mode..
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I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^
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What did the IT guy say to the client who keeps dropping off his laptop to get serviced?

"I've already told you, it's an ID-10T problem"
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I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my laptop?

I actually give a fuck when my laptop crashes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I too like my women like I like my laptop.

Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it.

What do Justin Bieber and an AMD laptop have in common

The fans are going wild
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Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history
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The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark
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I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"
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