I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell.

How many laptops does HP make?

A pavilion

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

My friend always asks me "Why do you put your laptop on top of a cooling rack when you're using it?"

I told him "Because this site uses cookies."

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

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What do you call a laptop used only for fart porn?

CumPooter.

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

Do you know what laptop sings the best?

A dell

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

My laptop is missing a key.

I lost ctrl.

Today I repaired my laptop with camouflage duct tape.

Now all of my browsing will be incognito

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

Why did the stormtrooper call tech support for his laptop?

Because he had troubleshooting issues.

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I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

We have desktops and laptops.....

..... shouldn't our phones be called handtops?

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

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As an annoying guy, I wish women were like laptops.

They get turned on when I push their buttons.

Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.

So I painted my laptop black.

I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

Why are laptops always wanted by the police?

Because they are charged with battery.

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

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What's the difference between Paul Walker and my laptop?

I actually give a fuck when my laptop crashes

Hey baby are you the bottom of my laptop?

Cause you’re hot and I’m getting nervous

Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

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What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

I tried cooking mac and cheese last week

The Apple Store are still refusing to fix my laptop

What do you call a personal laptop floating in the ocean?

A Dell - Rolling In The Deep

My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

What do Justin Bieber and an AMD laptop have in common

The fans are going wild

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I too like my women like I like my laptop.

Laying there dying, while I masturbate to it.

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persis...

My laptop said hello to me....

I think it's "a Dell"

Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM

A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill

The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab

The down arrow key on my laptop isn't functional. IT asked me if they should call the on-site repair guy to come in today...

I told them it wasn't pressing.

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

We had a power outage today...

...and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn't charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn't play golf and I couldn't fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and t...

How do you catch a runaway laptop?

With an Internet.

As soon as I plugged in my laptop, all my files became unreadable.

I guess power corrupts.

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I was playing Football Manager on my laptop when I was offered the Milan job.

I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

My father asks my mother if the laptop has any battery life

Mother: "total Buenos no charge"

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An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

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