I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I grabbed it and ran out of the building

​

Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

​

I said, "$600 and it's yours."

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

I threw my laptop into the sea last week...

It's a dell, rolling in the deep

Why does Putin's laptop have 1 TB of RAM?

KGB

My laptop's keyboard really works too hard...

It has two SHIFTS

What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute?

1. Laptop
2. One minute


Real life story.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

Why did one laptop arrest the other?

Because it was ASUS pect

The oldest laptop can be traced back to Adam and Eve

An Apple with very limited memory (1 Byte), single core and OS written in Python.

Do you know what laptop sings the best?

A dell

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

My toughest assignment as a detective was finding my laptop cover

But I was on the case

Today I repaired my laptop with camouflage duct tape.

Now all of my browsing will be incognito

My friends secretly downloaded a 700MB exe file into my laptop.

I think it's a huge setup.

I like my woman like I like my Laptop

On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

I installed Fortnite on my laptop and I already killed 20 kids

They should have known better than to approach a stranger offering them a free laptop with Fortnite on it

What did the IT guy say to the client who keeps dropping off his laptop to get serviced?

"I've already told you, it's an ID-10T problem"

Why did the stormtrooper call tech support for his laptop?

Because he had troubleshooting issues.

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ll never understand how people use their laptop in public places.

Aren’t they worried others will see what porn they are watching?

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An IT guy is meeting his nerd friend to show him his new laptop.

"Where did you get that from?" The other one asked

"You know, one girl from school asked me if I could repair her laptop, so I was working like two hours on it and once I was done she took off her panties and said me that I could take whatever I want - so I took the laptop."

"You did a...

My dying laptop's last wishes

(Coughing) Marvin im dying and before I die (cough intensifies)
I want you to promise me something...you'll take my hard disk and put it in your next computer
I want my memory to live on

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

A remote laptop user calls tech support

A remote laptop user called in and frantically said that all of her emails disappeared. I found them in her deleted folder a few moments later.

Expecting her to want me to tell her how she deleted them, I was trying to come up with solutions for her but then she said, "I know how those got...

Someone stole my Microsoft office from my laptop. I will find you and I will get you.

You have my Word.

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

Gramma and laptop

My gramma thought my laptop was a scale
She weighed 300$

The other day I saw a black guy walking near my house carrying a laptop...

I panicked a little, thought it could be mine – so I ran home quickly. I was relieved as I saw mine was still there.

Wiping the floor.







I hope this doesn’t get banned as^you ^know ^it's ^kinda... ^^dark

I took my laptop on the fishing boat one day when it fell in...

It was Adele, rolling in the deep.

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

So I painted my laptop black.

I thought it would run faster. But now, it doesn't work.

“Did you know there’s a spider on your laptop?”

Yeah. He’s looking for a website.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

Which parts of a laptop are best suited for laying siege?

The battery and ram.

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

Why are laptops always wanted by the police?

Because they are charged with battery.

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

What do you call a burger that merged with a laptop?

*A big mac*

Hey baby are you the bottom of my laptop?

Cause you’re hot and I’m getting nervous

I always have the hardest time seeing laptop RAM

It's just that the sticks are sodimm.

I just installed TempleOS on my old laptop, and that divine touch has brought it back to life.

The battery charge alone lasts five years.

That 'One Laptop Per Child' thing...

Where do I drop off the child and when do I get my new laptop?

My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore...

Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

please help laptop problem

I painted my laptop black in hope of it running faster, now it doesnt work at all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my laptop?

I actually give a fuck when my laptop crashes

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." 

"No," she says, "I just want to sleep." 

He keeps a...

What do Justin Bieber and an AMD laptop have in common

The fans are going wild

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

My laptop said hello to me....

I think it's "a Dell"

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alien sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subjec...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

I'm so white

​

​

​

​

... my laptop screen dims as I sit in front of it.

Why was Princess Peach worried when Mario wanted to use her laptop?

She forgot to delete her Bowser history

Why couldnt the laptop see?

Cause it was SoDIMM

A guy is walking along a road when he spots a frog looking up at him.

The frog hops towards him quickly and calls out, "Hey! Help me! I've been turned into a frog by a cruel witch! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess!!"

The guy is shocked at first but then smiles, picks the frog up, puts it in his bag, and keeps on walking.

After a f...

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill

The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab

The down arrow key on my laptop isn't functional. IT asked me if they should call the on-site repair guy to come in today...

I told them it wasn't pressing.

My father asks my mother if the laptop has any battery life

Mother: "total Buenos no charge"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

How do you catch a runaway laptop?

With an Internet.

As soon as I plugged in my laptop, all my files became unreadable.

I guess power corrupts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was playing Football Manager on my laptop when I was offered the Milan job.

I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

We had a power outage today...

...and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn't charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn't play golf and I couldn't fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and t...

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip.

A man from Maine heads to Florida for a weekend trip. The man’s wife is coming to see him the next day. He checks into a hotel room and opens his laptop. He sends her a brief email to let her know he got to his destination safely. Unfortunately, he makes a typo in the address and the email is sent t...

A salesman position

(English is not my mother language so ignore any grammatical mistakes) :)

A guy is interviewed for a salesman position, the interviewer asks the guy to take his laptop saying "let's see if you can convince me to buy this laptop, I want you to walk in again thinking of me as a customer."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. [long]

He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is telling a story to his friend.

He says:

- So last night I was at that sexy girl's place, and we were talkin' dirty. And at one point she blindfolded herself and said "Do what you want!". So, y'know, I grabbed her phone and laptop and walked out...

At that point, his friend starts laughing. The first guy replies:
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, a Japanese, and a Filipino are relaxing along the upper board of a cruise ship.

All of a sudden, the American throws his iPhone to the ocean.

The Japanese, suprised, asked the American, "Why throw iPhone?"

The American replied, "Don't worry man, there are lots of iPhone in the states."

The Filipino mumbled, "Wow, what a waste."

The Japanese went to h...