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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar

The bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer.

The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.

When the brain asks why, the bartender says, "Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!"

It could be worse...

John knocks on the door and a man opens it.

John confesses he has been sleeping with Mary and that they have had an affair for the last year. The man simply says "well it could be worse"

John goes on to say that Mary has been funneling money to him the entire time and he has spent ...

The cable guy stopped me on the street.

"Hey buddy, what time is it?"

"Between noon and 4 PM."

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables.

The maître d' says

"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

My dad fooled me

We had a cable tie that didn't work it wouldn't lock, so he told me to get another one and Test it first. I did...... And due to the test it now was no longer any good as we coudlnt use it he just laughed a lot and said get another one

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job...

We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?”

I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

I lost a cable for my new computer and now i can't finish it.

it was a Sata-casion

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail...

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

Yanni trips on a cable while performing with Michael Jackson. MJ runs up to him and asks

Yanni are you okay?

So Yanni are you okay

Are you okay Yanni

During quarantine - Lonely at home

I am lonely at home quarantined:

Day 1. Oh, that's nice.

Day 3. I read books and rest.

Day 5. I bingwatched "Friends".

Day 7. I talked to the washing machine, but I had worse days.

Day 9. My washing machine is angry. I never had worse days.

Day 11. I'm fine…...

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I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.

Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."


"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."


"Sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the car."


As I'm getting out, I also le...

I'm at a Mexican electronics store and the clerk asked me what kind of cables I was looking for.

I told him, "Audios."

He left and hasn't come back since.

You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage.

It gets pretty kinky.

How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

My wife took a sales job with the cable company, so I divorced her.

I couldn't handle that she was screwing so many other people.

How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar?

Total internal reflection.

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

Armenia sent a secret message over diplomatic cables to Syria:

"If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?"

One day Saint Peter got bored

He decided to begin asking people how they died. A man comes up so saint Peter asked how he died. The man said "I was sure my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work one day. When I arrived at our apartment I saw my wife in bed and no one with her. I looked everywhere but I could not ...

What did the cable say when he was bullied by another cable?

"Wire you so mean!"

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Guy walks into a bar with booster cables around his neck...

Bartender says: Hey man, don't come in here starting shit.

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

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If a cable news pundit, a reality TV personality, a political spin doctor, and a serial entrepreneur are all locked in a room together, who would be the first to realize they're of shit?

The room.

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

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One day I hope to watch a cable show that says "Brought to you by..

The bill you pay every fucking month."

My wife messed with my charging cable...

I was shocked.

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

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Here at Time Warner Cable we know that sex is an important part of a relationship.

So we try to fuck you as often as possible.

What made the cable guy late?

What made the cable guy late?

There was a cord-eal

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Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

My roommate forgot to pay the cable bill this month.

They came and cut our Cox off.

What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories?

Aesop’s Cables

A husband and wife are in a hospital while the wife is starting to go into labor

Doctor: I have a new invention that will the pain from the wife to the husband, would you want to try it?

Wife: Quickly shakes her head yes.

Husband: If it’s okay with her it is okay with me.

Doctor *as he attaches some cables to the wife* : We will turn the dial to 15 percent ...

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Little Johnny was a fucking idiot...

and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school had enough and decided to expel little Johnny, and in the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't rea...

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Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

If I had a dollar for every time Trump says "Fake news!"

I'd have enough money to open a Cable News Network to publish articles about Trump and perpetually keep earning more money.

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ID10T Error

Tech Support: Good Morning, Harry speaking how can I help?

Caller: Hi, my machine won't power on!

Tech Support: Ok, have you tried pressing the power button

Caller: Yes, done that still not working

Tech Support: Okay can you check the cables at the back of the machine?...

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3 Old-timers Were Discussing Problems of Old Age

The first one had urinary problems and said “It’s really terrible because I’m always
having to get up in the middle of the night to pee..and then other nights I need to pee
but nothing comes out. I’d give anything to just be able to pee normally.”

The second guy had elimination issues....

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

The oldest job in the world

A surgeon,gardener and electrician sitting in a bar talking about the worlds oldest job.

The Surgeon laughed and said: “HAH! Ofcourse surgeon is the oldest job in the world who else removed the rib from adams body for god to create eve! He doesn’t even have a scar from it!”

Then the Ga...

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

Watching tv Ads

My dad's Dad joke of the day

Don't you Hate it when they put a Movie in between my Tv adverts

(Watching a movie on free Tv) (Cable)

What are the electrician's last words?

...this power cable has no power.

Three guys die and go to heaven.

Before they're allowed in they must tell St. Peter how they died. The first guy says "I was working out on my apartment balcony when I suddenly lose my balance and fall over the side. I managed to catch hold of the balcony below and started screaming for help. Suddenly this guy comes out and sees me...

Ant - the hero.

Ant asks giraffe: Can I f...k you?

Giraffe though: what the hell, he's small I even can't feel it. Here you are, my boy.

After a few minutes, she put her long neck into high voltage cables lifted high over the ground.

Ant start to screem: Shake it, baby, yeahhhh!!!

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Google buys local Pizzeria

“Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No sir, it's Google Pizza – we bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, peppero...

A man walks up to a bar...

... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".

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