A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables

The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “

The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

I lost a cable for my new computer and now i can't finish it.

it was a Sata-casion

Yanni trips on a cable while performing with Michael Jackson. MJ runs up to him and asks

Yanni are you okay?

So Yanni are you okay

Are you okay Yanni

I'm at a Mexican electronics store and the clerk asked me what kind of cables I was looking for.

I told him, "Audios."

He left and hasn't come back since.

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage.

It gets pretty kinky.

Kim Jong-un sent Trump a letter

Just before the big meeting in Singapore Kim Jong-un decided to send Donald
Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the
game.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded
message:

370HSSV-0773H

Trump was baffled,...

My wife took a sales job with the cable company, so I divorced her.

I couldn't handle that she was screwing so many other people.

My ThermoFluids prof told us this one before a final

Four engineers get into a car and try to turn it on, but it doesn't start.

The mechanical engineer immediately pipes up and says "The pistons must be shot! Someone get me tool kit and I'll take apart the engine to fix it."

The chemical engineer then goes "No, no, no the fuel is clearly...

Armenia sent a secret message over diplomatic cables to Syria:

"If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories?

Aesop’s Cables

What did the cable say when he was bullied by another cable?

"Wire you so mean!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar...

As soon as they walk in, the bartender tells them to get out immediately.

"Why?" Says the bra.

"Because you're off your tits, and your friend looks like he's about to start something."

How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar?

Total internal reflection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with booster cables around his neck...

Bartender says: Hey man, don't come in here starting shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a cable news pundit, a reality TV personality, a political spin doctor, and a serial entrepreneur are all locked in a room together, who would be the first to realize they're of shit?

The room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

A husband and wife are in a hospital while the wife is starting to go into labor

Doctor: I have a new invention that will the pain from the wife to the husband, would you want to try it?

Wife: Quickly shakes her head yes.

Husband: If it’s okay with her it is okay with me.

Doctor *as he attaches some cables to the wife* : We will turn the dial to 15 percent ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day I hope to watch a cable show that says "Brought to you by..

The bill you pay every fucking month."

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

My wife messed with my charging cable...

I was shocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ID10T Error

Tech Support: Good Morning, Harry speaking how can I help?

Caller: Hi, my machine won't power on!

Tech Support: Ok, have you tried pressing the power button

Caller: Yes, done that still not working

Tech Support: Okay can you check the cables at the back of the machine?...

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

What made the cable guy late?

What made the cable guy late?

There was a cord-eal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here at Time Warner Cable we know that sex is an important part of a relationship.

So we try to fuck you as often as possible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was a fucking idiot...

and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school had enough and decided to expel little Johnny, and in the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't rea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located.

“I’m not sure,” the student answers, “we switched cable companies last month.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Old-timers Were Discussing Problems of Old Age

The first one had urinary problems and said “It’s really terrible because I’m always
having to get up in the middle of the night to pee..and then other nights I need to pee
but nothing comes out. I’d give anything to just be able to pee normally.”

The second guy had elimination issues....

Watching tv Ads

My dad's Dad joke of the day

Don't you Hate it when they put a Movie in between my Tv adverts

(Watching a movie on free Tv) (Cable)

The oldest job in the world

A surgeon,gardener and electrician sitting in a bar talking about the worlds oldest job.

The Surgeon laughed and said: “HAH! Ofcourse surgeon is the oldest job in the world who else removed the rib from adams body for god to create eve! He doesn’t even have a scar from it!”

Then the Ga...

My roommate forgot to pay the cable bill this month.

They came and cut our Cox off.

What are the electrician's last words?

...this power cable has no power.

Three guys die and go to heaven.

Before they're allowed in they must tell St. Peter how they died. The first guy says "I was working out on my apartment balcony when I suddenly lose my balance and fall over the side. I managed to catch hold of the balcony below and started screaming for help. Suddenly this guy comes out and sees me...

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

IT just recabled my office

IT just recabled my office. The new cabling is a strange multicolored plastic tubing that keeps all the cables nice and tidy.
In fact it looks pretty good.

Then I had to fill out a satisfaction survey: How does it look?

Weird flex but okay.

An environmentalist and a lumberjack are having a discussion on women.

They both are having a tough time talking to women, so they decide to offer each other advice.

Environmentalist: "So what's your best pickup line?"

Lumberjack: "It's more of a steel cable I tie to my truck to haul logs"

Environmentalist: "No I mean what do you first say to them?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Google buys local Pizzeria

“Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?”

“No sir, it's Google Pizza – we bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual? You know me?”

“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, peppero...

A man walks up to a bar...

... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

Dress Code

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his t...

My dad told me this one.

He's a cable manager and often has to keep moving in his van/truck. One day he was driving in farm country and ran over a pig. He got out of the car to check on the pig and the pig was okay so he kept driving to his destination. When he got home, he got a call from a farmer.

"Hello?"

...

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