Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

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Jumper cable joke

A guy from the country has some work to do in the city. It's all paperwork and he hates that shit. When he finally gets everything finished he decides to stop and have a beer before driving back home.

Unfortunately, the first place he stops is a posh fern bar. The bartender goes, "Dude, I ...

A pair of sunglasses and a set of jumper cables were lined up waiting to get into a nightclub.....

The bouncer was letting everybody in front of them in but when they get to the velvet rope the bouncer says: “Sorry fellas, I can’t let you in.”

Feeling dejected the sunglasses said “Why not?”

The bouncer replies “Well for a start, you’re off your head and your mate here looks like...

Why didn't anyone want the free phone cables?

Because they were free of charge!

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

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A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

A Jumper Cable Walks Into a Bar

The Bartender say, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive. Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single- line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H. Trump was baffled, so he scanned it and emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so th...

What do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens?

An aethernet cable

If you power a piano with a cable...

...does it have a chord?

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A bra and a booster cable go into a bar. The bartender says to the bra "Get out."

"Why?" yells the bra.

"Well," says the bartender, "you're off your tits, and your mate looks like he's ready to start something."

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

Yesterday I met the cable TV guy on the street and he asked me what time it was.

I gladly told him it's between 9 and 5.

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables

The bartender says “look, I’m gonna serve you, but you better not try to start anything “

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric and cable company."

A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables.

The maître d' says

"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."

My wife took a sales job with the cable company, so I divorced her.

I couldn't handle that she was screwing so many other people.

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer.

The bartender refuses to serve them and asks them to leave.

When the brain asks why, the bartender says, "Well, you're clearly out of your head, and I think you're friend is going to try to start something!"

The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

You know what they say about using networking cables for bondage.

It gets pretty kinky.

How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar?

Total internal reflection.

I'm at a Mexican electronics store and the clerk asked me what kind of cables I was looking for.

I told him, "Audios."

He left and hasn't come back since.

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

Yanni trips on a cable while performing with Michael Jackson. MJ runs up to him and asks

Yanni are you okay?

So Yanni are you okay

Are you okay Yanni

Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

What type of cable does a cat own?

Comcats.

New SUV

Well Gm has planned to relaunch the Hummer line as eco friendly electric trucks. To save even more electricity the horn had been removed from the deluxe model and a bell installed attached to a cable. It will be called the Humdinger edition.

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan is giving him the tour and explains he has a choice of 3 rooms in which to receive his eternal punishment.

He opens the door to the first room. It's vast and the man sees billions of people all standing on their heads, eating ice-cream. The man is surprised by the ice cream but shudders...

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3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

I lost a cable for my new computer and now i can't finish it.

it was a Sata-casion

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with booster cables around his neck...

Bartender says: Hey man, don't come in here starting shit.

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One day I hope to watch a cable show that says "Brought to you by..

The bill you pay every fucking month."

What did the cable say when he was bullied by another cable?

"Wire you so mean!"

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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If a cable news pundit, a reality TV personality, a political spin doctor, and a serial entrepreneur are all locked in a room together, who would be the first to realize they're of shit?

The room.

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Here at Time Warner Cable we know that sex is an important part of a relationship.

So we try to fuck you as often as possible.

My wife messed with my charging cable...

I was shocked.

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

What made the cable guy late?

What made the cable guy late?

There was a cord-eal

A man had to trace a call to help with a mystery

So he found his phone cable and started ripping

I just bought a USB C-C cable so my wife can charge her phone off of mine

Now she can not only suck the life out of me but also my phone.

My roommate forgot to pay the cable bill this month.

They came and cut our Cox off.

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65 in a 35

Buddies Joke Today.

I was doing 65 in a 35 zone when a cop pulled me over.
Officer approaches the car. "License and registration, please."

"I would, officer, but...this car is stolen. Oh, and full disclosure, there's a loaded pistol in the glove box."

"Sir, I'm going to need ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father, wife and their two children walk into a hotel.

The father goes to the front desk and says, "We don't need the full cable package and I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant to eat and they have a dress code.

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

**Host** Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

**Host** Alright.... I guess you ha...

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail...

My dad fooled me

We had a cable tie that didn't work it wouldn't lock, so he told me to get another one and Test it first. I did...... And due to the test it now was no longer any good as we coudlnt use it he just laughed a lot and said get another one

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are knocking on heavens door. (Sorry for my english)

After a few minutes Petrus comes, wearing his cozy pyjamas, saying: "Guys its late, i need to get some rest, we are closed for today."
"Ehm Petrus", one man replied, "we are kinda dead so please open the door."
Petrus sighs. "Ok, each one of you tells me the story of his death, and if ...

Stay safe lads

What are an electrician's last words?

"Hey, what is that cable used f..."

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

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