Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

What's the easiest way to get a mobile phone into a prison?

Charge one with battery.

Statistics show that every 8seconds a mobile is dropped in the toilet

Source:

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability t...

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

Why did the mobile meth lab overshoot the turn and fly off the cliff?

It was Braking Bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a phone that hasn't had sex?

Virgin Mobile.

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

I've deleted all my German friends from my mobile phone.

It's now Hans-free.

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

I tried explaining to my son how his mobile works

But it just went over his head

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Just dropped my mobile phone in a bowl of mayonnaise.

Fuckin hellman.

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between prostitutes and mobile games?

One is pay to win the other is pay to in.

I've got a Christian mobile

It's pray as you go

Nintendo is releasing a micro transaction mobile platformer

Pay Per Mario

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A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life

No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I hear the Chinese like spying on our mobile phones.

At least someone out there will be impressed with the size of my penis.

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones....

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile....

Why are mobile phones being banned in China?

There are so many wings and so many wongs, you might wing the wong number...

Race for mobile phone.

Person 1 : Hey nice mobile phone. How much you bought it for?

Person 2: I won it in a race.

Person 1: Race? What kind of race? How many people were running?

Person 2: Well, the mobile shop owner, 3 cops and I.

I rewrote Hansel & Gretel but changed the oven to a mobile stove.

The title is now Hansel & Griddle.

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the bat mobile?

Get in the bat mobile Robin.

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

T-Mobile and Sprint have finally agreed to a massive merger deal

I tried to join the celebration, but there was no reception

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't

Even imagine it in my own

Life because my wife is

Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love

Every part of her!

John: My friend Charlie has stolen my girlfriend's number from my mobile 2 days ago.

Harry: What happened then?

John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris?

Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long/Sexist (On mobile and I can’t find the flair) A priest and a woman are walking up the Gates of Heaven when they’re greeted by St. Peter

St. Peter tells them “Sorry, we’re packed today, we can only allow in whichever one of you supported God the most.

So he looks about both of their informations for each of their lives, and he decides to pick the woman.

Of course, the Priest was astonished. He had spent his entire lif...

Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few min...

The Pope-mobile

Because nothing says "faith in God" more than 4 inches of bullet-proof glass...

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

There's a penguin riding his snow mobile through the Antarctic. I

It starts to sputter and he decides to pull into a mechanic to get the snow mobile looked at. The mechanic comes out and after having a quick look over says he will need an hour to fix it. The penguin asks where he can wait nearby and the mechanic tells him that there is an ice cream parlor next doo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AT&T and T-Mobile get married

Nobody wanted to be at the wedding and the reception was still shit.

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called h...

I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

The world's largest info tech company has merged with a mobile accessories company, but refuses to share a name with them. And they're not even sorry about it.

Nope, they're not Apple-Logitech.

Did you hear about the mobile home ductwork?

They say it was double-wide

Why is religion like mobile gaming?

Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and...

What do mobile phones have but also lack?

Cells

Documentation !

Once a Project Manager was travelling by train.

He was traveling alone!

Some time later, a beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat.

Our PM was pleasantly happy!

The lady kept smiling at him!  This made PM even more happy!

Then she went and sat next to him!...

Frog mobile

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sam was at the bar

-Disclaimer - im on mobile, sorry for the formatting.-

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to sta...

Did you hear about the new Voat mobile app?

It's called Reddit Was Fun.

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding their horses across the prairie...

Tonto begins to slow his horse and eventually comes to a complete stop.

Lone Ranger: “What is it Tonto?”

Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

Tonto: “Buffalo come.”

Lone Ranger: “Wow, how do you know that?”

Tonto: *rubs the side of his fac...

The Golf Club Mobile Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. A man picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
"Hello," He says,
"Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you at the club?"
"Yes," replies the man,
"Well I'm at ...

I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone...

Now it’s Hans free...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've not posted to r/advice before & I'm on mobile so please forgive any spelling errors, I'm on a small screen. My neighbour has a large, untrained dog, he is tied up in the yard most days, but has broken the chain several times now and when that happens he chases my cat and shits all over my lawn.

I wouldn't mind so much, but now the dog has started to do it too.

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