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Mobile Jokes

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

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‪A mobile phone is like a penis.‬

Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table..

I recently converted an old school bus into a mobile brothel......

I'm calling it the Suck-You-Bus.

What do they call mobile phones in prison?

Cell phones.

The mobile shop next door has moved.

The stationery shop is still there, though.

What do you call a mobile phone company that doesn't like South Korean cars?

Nokia

I'll see myself it out

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Why is it called Virgin Mobile?

It keeps going down on me!

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I put my mobile phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in its place.



Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile.

I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.

I was setting the voice recognition password of my mobile.

A dog barked and ran away.

I am still looking for that dog to unlock my mobile.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

What is Will Smith's favorite mobile video game?

Slap Kings

I've ordered some German food through a mobile app.

The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

I’ve just seen someone get knocked over by a mobile library, as he was on the floor screaming and shouting due to the pain and agony the driver of the mobile library gets out and says

Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "W...

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

Race for mobile phone.

Person 1 : Hey nice mobile phone. How much you bought it for?

Person 2: I won it in a race.

Person 1: Race? What kind of race? How many people were running?

Person 2: Well, the mobile shop owner, 3 cops and I.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

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I saw a woman using her mobile phone while I was driving next to her.

I was so pissed off with the irresponsible Bitch.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

What do you call the security guards working outside a Samsung mobile store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married!

There will be no reception.

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A student goes to the principal

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks:
"What is your name, son?"
The student replies:
"D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
Then the principal asks:
"Oh, do you have a stutter?"
Student answers:
"No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an...

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile?

In case Mr Onion Rings

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How are a pornstar and a mobile game ad the same?

You watch it for 30 seconds and then hit the "x" button.

Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19

Husband : Because you take my breath away!

John call suzy on her mobile

John: hello

Suzy:hey,whatchu doin?

John:y'know,just calling the prettiest girl I ever saw

Suzy: awww

John: yeah, but she's not picking up. So I decided to call you instead

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

The human body is designed to be mobile.

I guess it's because it's cellular

I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank.

Anyways, I was charged with battery.

What will 5G-NSA, a rather new mobile communication term, be called in Germany?

5G-BND

Jay-Z is Unable to Locate His Mobile Phone.

He says "Beyonce, have you seen my phone anywhere?"

She says "Did you try call it?"

He says "Yeah but it's on silent."

She says "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."

Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt.

On mobile, sorry for fourmatting.

Why is religion like mobile gaming?

Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.

The new mobile theater inside an R/V sucks.

All they show is trailers.

I've got a Christian mobile

It's pray as you go

Nintendo is releasing a micro transaction mobile platformer

Pay Per Mario

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

How do you fight off a home invader with nothing but a mobile phone?

Please respond quickly.

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:



Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensiti...

What do guys who are into short girls and mobile game ads have in common?

They both have small exes.

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Just dropped my mobile phone in a bowl of mayonnaise.

Fuckin hellman.

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NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

Why are mobile phones being banned in China?

There are so many wings and so many wongs, you might wing the wong number...

What's the easiest way to get a mobile phone into a prison?

Charge one with battery.

Did you hear about the new Voat mobile app?

It's called Reddit Was Fun.

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

I tried explaining to my son how his mobile works

But it just went over his head

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

There is a popular belief that if you accidentally drop your mobile into the water....

you should put it in a bag full of rice and leave it over night to suck out the moisture. Recent studies shows this is not true. If you leave this bag over night chinese kids will come and repair your phone while you sleep. Rice is just their lunch. O.o :D

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

Found out about a mobile phone who got T-boned on the highway with a RAM.

The impact of the crash was so bad that he lost his memory.

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

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What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris?

Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one.

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability t...

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

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So I hear the Chinese like spying on our mobile phones.

At least someone out there will be impressed with the size of my penis.

Why did the mobile meth lab overshoot the turn and fly off the cliff?

It was Braking Bad.

I went to a restaurant.

It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away

T-Mobile and Sprint have finally agreed to a massive merger deal

I tried to join the celebration, but there was no reception

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

John: My friend Charlie has stolen my girlfriend's number from my mobile 2 days ago.

Harry: What happened then?

John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

There's a penguin riding his snow mobile through the Antarctic. I

It starts to sputter and he decides to pull into a mechanic to get the snow mobile looked at. The mechanic comes out and after having a quick look over says he will need an hour to fix it. The penguin asks where he can wait nearby and the mechanic tells him that there is an ice cream parlor next doo...

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

I rewrote Hansel & Gretel but changed the oven to a mobile stove.

The title is now Hansel & Griddle.

Google Pixel phones will soon come with its own proprietary mobile hot spot service that is currentlyin Alpha.

Much like their other services, Gmail and Gmaps, It is called Gspot, but phones are having a difficult time finding it.

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones....

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile....

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

A guy got run over by the PopeMobile yesterday.

I guess he didn't see the sign that said "Cross traffic does not stop."

Did you hear about when Sting got a new mobile phone?

He sent out an SMS to the world.

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A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life

No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.

What did the American mobile tower on the coast say about the foreign cruise liner?

I will not sync with this ship.

I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone...

Now it’s Hans free...

Wife and girlfriend.

A grandson asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school...

What is the difference between 'Wife' and 'Girlfriend'?

Grandpa thought for a minute and simplified the explanation like this:

Listen son:

Wife is like a TV

and

Girlfriend is li...

A Couple Of Hunters.

A couple of hunter are out in the woods, when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back into his sockets, and he doesn't seem to be breathing.

The other hunter whips out his mobile, and calls the emergency services.

"My friend is dead! What do i do?", he gasps to the ...

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

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A man goes to his doctor

A patient told me this joke today and I thought it was too funny not to share (on mobile forgive formatting issues)

A man goes to see his doctor
Man: doctor my butt has been hurting a lot recently
Doctor: can you tell me where exactly on your butt it’s been hurting.
Man: well, it...

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called h...

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I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

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