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I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

I've deleted all my German friends from my mobile phone.

It's now Hans-free.

I tried explaining to my son how his mobile works

But it just went over his head

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

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What is the difference between prostitutes and mobile games?

One is pay to win the other is pay to in.

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life

No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

I've got a Christian mobile

It's pray as you go

Switched to Windows Mobile yesterday

Very Unappy!

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So I hear the Chinese like spying on our mobile phones.

At least someone out there will be impressed with the size of my penis.

What is the favorite mobile game of an african?

Where’s my water

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

Nintendo is releasing a micro transaction mobile platformer

Pay Per Mario

Why are mobile phones being banned in China?

There are so many wings and so many wongs, you might wing the wong number...

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones....

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile....

I rewrote Hansel & Gretel but changed the oven to a mobile stove.

The title is now Hansel & Griddle.

Race for mobile phone.

Person 1 : Hey nice mobile phone. How much you bought it for?

Person 2: I won it in a race.

Person 1: Race? What kind of race? How many people were running?

Person 2: Well, the mobile shop owner, 3 cops and I.

T-Mobile and Sprint have finally agreed to a massive merger deal

I tried to join the celebration, but there was no reception

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

Genie (Its long but idk how to flair on mobile)

Three men find a genie and he says he will grant each of them three wishes. The first man wishes for the most beautiful woman in the world to be his wife. It is granted, the second man wishes for a giant floating palace. It is granted. The third man wishes for his left arm to forever move clockwise ...

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the bat mobile?

Get in the bat mobile Robin.

John: My friend Charlie has stolen my girlfriend's number from my mobile 2 days ago.

Harry: What happened then?

John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

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What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris?

Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I grabbed it and ran out of the building

​

Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

​

I said, "$600 and it's yours."

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Long/Sexist (On mobile and I can’t find the flair) A priest and a woman are walking up the Gates of Heaven when they’re greeted by St. Peter

St. Peter tells them “Sorry, we’re packed today, we can only allow in whichever one of you supported God the most.

So he looks about both of their informations for each of their lives, and he decides to pick the woman.

Of course, the Priest was astonished. He had spent his entire lif...

A man died and met God in Heaven

The man asked God.
Man: God is it true that a million years to you is just like one second?

God: Yes

Man: God is it also true that a million dollars is just like one cent to you?

God: Yes.

Man: So can I please have a million dollars

God: Sure thing! Just ...

The Pope-mobile

Because nothing says "faith in God" more than 4 inches of bullet-proof glass...

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AT&T and T-Mobile get married

Nobody wanted to be at the wedding and the reception was still shit.

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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

There's a penguin riding his snow mobile through the Antarctic. I

It starts to sputter and he decides to pull into a mechanic to get the snow mobile looked at. The mechanic comes out and after having a quick look over says he will need an hour to fix it. The penguin asks where he can wait nearby and the mechanic tells him that there is an ice cream parlor next doo...

What did the American mobile tower on the coast say about the foreign cruise liner?

I will not sync with this ship.

I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few min...

Did you hear about the mobile home ductwork?

They say it was double-wide

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called h...

ISIS mobile shopping app

Everything is 90% off but you can only purchase while you're driving.

I went to a restaurant...

It was full; no place to sit... I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..

The world's largest info tech company has merged with a mobile accessories company, but refuses to share a name with them. And they're not even sorry about it.

Nope, they're not Apple-Logitech.

Frog mobile

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

Why is religion like mobile gaming?

Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.

A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.

The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.

This carries on ...

What did one orphan say to another?

Get in the Batmobile Robin.

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mea...

Did you hear about the new Voat mobile app?

It's called Reddit Was Fun.

The Golf Club Mobile Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. A man picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
"Hello," He says,
"Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you at the club?"
"Yes," replies the man,
"Well I'm at ...

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I've not posted to r/advice before & I'm on mobile so please forgive any spelling errors, I'm on a small screen. My neighbour has a large, untrained dog, he is tied up in the yard most days, but has broken the chain several times now and when that happens he chases my cat and shits all over my lawn.

I wouldn't mind so much, but now the dog has started to do it too.

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Son: Dad, why's my sister called Teresa?

Dad: It's an anagram of Easter, and your Mum loves Easter.
Son: Okay, thanks Dad.
Dad: You're welcome Alan.

*bugger mobile for the formatting*

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My back is killing me

A man walks into a doctors office and says "my back is killing me"; the doctor asks him why is that. He says: i just came back from work when i saw my wife laying naked on our bed and there was some guy franticaly putting his shirt on in the middle of the street, so i picked up the fridge and tossed...

An Old One That I Forget Where It Came From

Let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave was a very successful man in the field of Medicine. He had his own office. He had a cute receptionist. He had plenty of patients who loved him and everything was going his way.

But Dave had a secret that he was terrified of. You see, Dave recently ent...

Did you hear about when Sting got a new mobile phone?

He sent out an SMS to the world.

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An Airman, Sailor, Marine, and an Army Ranger end up on an island full of cannibals. They were captured, blindfolded, and sent to the cannibal chief.

Mobile, so formatting. Here's a few different iterations of the joke.

The chief says, "Well, gentlemen, unfortunately for you, we are going to build canoes out of your skin. However, because you all are warriors, I will grant you the option to choose how you will die."

A

The ...

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Man walks into a bar (yes but not one you know.) NSFW

New york man walks into a bar in mobile alabama with a crocodile.

He walks up to the bar with the croc, and orders two drinks.

The barman takes one look at the guy. Then looks at the croc, and says get real I'm not serving that here.

The NY guy says ah don't mind him hes well ...