Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

The human body is designed to be mobile.

I guess it's because it's cellular

I saw a craigslist add for Mobile Improvised Explosive Device Model and I had to apply.

After all, that opportunity only comes around once in a lifetime.

<There is my dark, cynical Halloween joke. :-)>

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

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NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

I was in a job interview today

When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

What's the easiest way to get a mobile phone into a prison?

Charge one with battery.

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

My girlfriend was setting up two factor authentication and it asked for her favorite mobile device.

Apparently "Hitachi wand" isn't a good choice.

Why did the mobile meth lab overshoot the turn and fly off the cliff?

It was Braking Bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

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I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

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Just dropped my mobile phone in a bowl of mayonnaise.

Fuckin hellman.

A politician walks into a small town...

An election campaign politician visits a small town and asks the mayor what problems do they have. He replies that they have two problems. The first one is that they have a hospital but they don't have a doctor.

The politician takes out his mobile phone, makes a call and discusses for a while...

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3 guys were on a plane

Three guys were on a plane to try skydiving. The 1st guy throws an apple and jumps out. He lands to find a child crying. He asks the child what was wrong.
The child says "an apple came from the sky an hit me on the head" the man apologises
The second guy throws a banana and jumps....

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What do you call a nun on a mobility scooter?

Virgin mobile
(Credit: TheScrubKing)

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(Long) A phone in the Gym

I was standing next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway whatt a smug bastard...

MAN: "Hello"...

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym"...?

MAN: "Yes"....

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

An old joke I heard from an Israeli fighter pilot...

According to him, flight school is hard. Most recruits wash out early. Some... Not so early. The training lasts years, and you can wash out at any time.

It was the last day of training, right before graduation, when the news came down, one of the cadets was being kicked out.

By this ...

I've deleted all my German friends from my mobile phone.

It's now Hans-free.

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't

Even imagine it in my own

Life because my wife is

Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love

Every part of her!

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

I tried explaining to my son how his mobile works

But it just went over his head

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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What is the difference between prostitutes and mobile games?

One is pay to win the other is pay to in.

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

What is the favorite mobile game of an african?

Where’s my water

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Sam was at the pub

-disclaimer, mobile-
As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs ga...

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A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life

No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.

Nintendo is releasing a micro transaction mobile platformer

Pay Per Mario

I've got a Christian mobile

It's pray as you go

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

Someone is going to lose a mobile home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who’s never had phone sex

Virgin mobile

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Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and...

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So I hear the Chinese like spying on our mobile phones.

At least someone out there will be impressed with the size of my penis.

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

Documentation !

Once a Project Manager was travelling by train.

He was traveling alone!

Some time later, a beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite seat.

Our PM was pleasantly happy!

The lady kept smiling at him!  This made PM even more happy!

Then she went and sat next to him!...

Race for mobile phone.

Person 1 : Hey nice mobile phone. How much you bought it for?

Person 2: I won it in a race.

Person 1: Race? What kind of race? How many people were running?

Person 2: Well, the mobile shop owner, 3 cops and I.

A couple...

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do, and hence she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where ...

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones....

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile....

Why are mobile phones being banned in China?

There are so many wings and so many wongs, you might wing the wong number...

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

I rewrote Hansel & Gretel but changed the oven to a mobile stove.

The title is now Hansel & Griddle.

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding their horses across the prairie...

Tonto begins to slow his horse and eventually comes to a complete stop.

Lone Ranger: “What is it Tonto?”

Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

Tonto: “Buffalo come.”

Lone Ranger: “Wow, how do you know that?”

Tonto: *rubs the side of his fac...

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3 guys die

They go to heavean and the angle there tells them they will go to heavean depending on the relationship they had with their wife. The first man comes up and says I was horrible I cheated on her 5 times. The angel says ok here is this old tractor he goes up in the old tractor. The next guy comes up ...

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the bat mobile?

Get in the bat mobile Robin.

T-Mobile and Sprint have finally agreed to a massive merger deal

I tried to join the celebration, but there was no reception

A man died and met God in Heaven

The man asked God.
Man: God is it true that a million years to you is just like one second?

God: Yes

Man: God is it also true that a million dollars is just like one cent to you?

God: Yes.

Man: So can I please have a million dollars

God: Sure thing! Just ...

I went to a restaurant...

It was full; no place to sit... I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..

This made me laugh so hard

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

Technology

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. Th...

John: My friend Charlie has stolen my girlfriend's number from my mobile 2 days ago.

Harry: What happened then?

John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

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What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris?

Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

It Was Happening In A Hospital That ICU Patients Died In Same Bed Every Sunday At 11 Am.

Dr. Thought, It Is Something Super Natural

Worldwide Xpert Team Was Formed To Investigate The Cause.

Next Sunday, Few Minute Before 11 Am, All Dr. & Nurses Stand Around That Bed & Start Waiting To See What It Was?

Then Suddenly A Part Time Sunday Sweeper Entered The ICU,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long/Sexist (On mobile and I can’t find the flair) A priest and a woman are walking up the Gates of Heaven when they’re greeted by St. Peter

St. Peter tells them “Sorry, we’re packed today, we can only allow in whichever one of you supported God the most.

So he looks about both of their informations for each of their lives, and he decides to pick the woman.

Of course, the Priest was astonished. He had spent his entire lif...

Another “your mama joke”

So this morning I was switching off with the day shift supervisor (I’m the overnight supervisor for the mobile division of a security company) and he asked another of our coworkers “when did your car window get broken?” Before I knew the words had come out of my mouth I said “the same time as your m...

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The Pope-mobile

Because nothing says "faith in God" more than 4 inches of bullet-proof glass...

There's a penguin riding his snow mobile through the Antarctic. I

It starts to sputter and he decides to pull into a mechanic to get the snow mobile looked at. The mechanic comes out and after having a quick look over says he will need an hour to fix it. The penguin asks where he can wait nearby and the mechanic tells him that there is an ice cream parlor next doo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AT&T and T-Mobile get married

Nobody wanted to be at the wedding and the reception was still shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

My wife crashed our car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

The world's largest info tech company has merged with a mobile accessories company, but refuses to share a name with them. And they're not even sorry about it.

Nope, they're not Apple-Logitech.

What did the American mobile tower on the coast say about the foreign cruise liner?

I will not sync with this ship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

An Old One That I Forget Where It Came From

Let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave was a very successful man in the field of Medicine. He had his own office. He had a cute receptionist. He had plenty of patients who loved him and everything was going his way.

But Dave had a secret that he was terrified of. You see, Dave recently ent...

Why is religion like mobile gaming?

Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.

A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.

The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.

This carries on ...

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mea...

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Son: Dad, why's my sister called Teresa?

Dad: It's an anagram of Easter, and your Mum loves Easter.
Son: Okay, thanks Dad.
Dad: You're welcome Alan.

*bugger mobile for the formatting*

What do mobile phones have but also lack?

Cells

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a bar (yes but not one you know.) NSFW

New york man walks into a bar in mobile alabama with a crocodile.

He walks up to the bar with the croc, and orders two drinks.

The barman takes one look at the guy. Then looks at the croc, and says get real I'm not serving that here.

The NY guy says ah don't mind him hes well ...

Frog mobile

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

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