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Mobile Jokes

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile.

I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.

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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

Audit

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepher...

I was setting the voice recognition password of my mobile.

A dog barked and ran away.

I am still looking for that dog to unlock my mobile.

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Why is it called Virgin Mobile?

It keeps going down on me!

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

I’ve just seen someone get knocked over by a mobile library, as he was on the floor screaming and shouting due to the pain and agony the driver of the mobile library gets out and says

Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

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I put my mobile phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in its place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank.

Anyways, I was charged with battery.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

What is Will Smith's favorite mobile video game?

Slap Kings

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So a man was playing golf...

So this dude was out playing golf on a Sunday. About half way through the first 9 holes, he forgets what hole he is on so he asks a lady in front of him, "hey miss, sorry to bother you, but I've forgotten what hole I am on, and you are on the hole in front of me, would you mind telling me what hole ...

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I saw a woman using her mobile phone while I was driving next to her.

I was so pissed off with the irresponsible Bitch.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Christmas time.

Yesterday i saw a man giving money and mobile to person having only knife. People are so nice during christmas time.

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

I've ordered some German food through a mobile app.

The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

What do you call the security guards working outside a Samsung mobile store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

Size of matter in descending order.

Molecule > Atom > Proton > Quark > x on a mobile ad

Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19

Husband : Because you take my breath away!

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.



It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible ca...

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How are a pornstar and a mobile game ad the same?

You watch it for 30 seconds and then hit the "x" button.

How do you fight off a home invader with nothing but a mobile phone?

Please respond quickly.

My wife reminds me everything

My wife reminds me every day before I leave something I forgot and wanted to leave.

Sometimes the car keys, sometimes the watch, sometimes the house keys, sometimes important documents, sometimes my mobile, and it makes me feel old and my memory is weak. So I decided to put a limit on my forg...

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

What do guys who are into short girls and mobile game ads have in common?

They both have small exes.

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.
Next minute, Nokia.

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

I've just treated myself to a new mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling...

It's a Gnocchia.

Paddy coming back from holiday.

Paddy was at the airport going through Customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,

He told me that ...

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile?

In case Mr Onion Rings

Thanks to the ubiquity of social media, mobile devices, and the advent of AI, we have the resources we need to upgrade security cameras to the next level ...

Insecurity cameras.

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

The human body is designed to be mobile.

I guess it's because it's cellular

Found out about a mobile phone who got T-boned on the highway with a RAM.

The impact of the crash was so bad that he lost his memory.

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding,

terrible reception.

There is a popular belief that if you accidentally drop your mobile into the water....

you should put it in a bag full of rice and leave it over night to suck out the moisture. Recent studies shows this is not true. If you leave this bag over night chinese kids will come and repair your phone while you sleep. Rice is just their lunch. O.o :D

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:



Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensiti...

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

What's the easiest way to get a mobile phone into a prison?

Charge one with battery.

Race for mobile phone.

Person 1 : Hey nice mobile phone. How much you bought it for?

Person 2: I won it in a race.

Person 1: Race? What kind of race? How many people were running?

Person 2: Well, the mobile shop owner, 3 cops and I.

The day he finally came to know his real personality

Was the day when he put his iPhone in his rear pocket and the face ID unlocked the mobile.

Jay-Z is Unable to Locate His Mobile Phone.

He says "Beyonce, have you seen my phone anywhere?"

She says "Did you try call it?"

He says "Yeah but it's on silent."

She says "If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."

Google Pixel phones will soon come with its own proprietary mobile hot spot service that is currentlyin Alpha.

Much like their other services, Gmail and Gmaps, It is called Gspot, but phones are having a difficult time finding it.

The new mobile theater inside an R/V sucks.

All they show is trailers.

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

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What is the difference between prostitutes and mobile games?

One is pay to win the other is pay to in.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

John call suzy on her mobile

John: hello

Suzy:hey,whatchu doin?

John:y'know,just calling the prettiest girl I ever saw

Suzy: awww

John: yeah, but she's not picking up. So I decided to call you instead

Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt.

On mobile, sorry for fourmatting.

Nintendo is releasing a micro transaction mobile platformer

Pay Per Mario

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An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

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Just dropped my mobile phone in a bowl of mayonnaise.

Fuckin hellman.

Why did the mobile player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the otherside

Why did the mobile meth lab overshoot the turn and fly off the cliff?

It was Braking Bad.

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I was playing PUBG Mobile while my dick was getting sucked..

I came first.

AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married!

There will be no reception.

What do a tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Someone's going to lose a mobile home

John: My friend Charlie has stolen my girlfriend's number from my mobile 2 days ago.

Harry: What happened then?

John: Charlie Has been sending romantic texts to his own sister since last 2 days.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

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NSFW Mehmet and the sultan long (on mobile, sorry for formatting)

One day the sultan was walking around his kingdom when he stumbled upon Mehmet, the local merchant. Surprised by the vision in front of him, Mehmet naked, bending in all directions and angles, with a loud and deep voice, the sultan roared!
-WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING, MEHMET???
-Well hello s...

T-Mobile and Sprint have finally agreed to a massive merger deal

I tried to join the celebration, but there was no reception

Why is religion like mobile gaming?

Free-to-pray, pray-to-win.

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

Who is Borat's favourite mobile phone manufacturer?

Huawei wee wah

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability t...

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What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris?

Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one.

I tried explaining to my son how his mobile works

But it just went over his head

An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones....

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile....

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So I hear the Chinese like spying on our mobile phones.

At least someone out there will be impressed with the size of my penis.

Why are mobile phones being banned in China?

There are so many wings and so many wongs, you might wing the wong number...

Did you hear about the new Voat mobile app?

It's called Reddit Was Fun.

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

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A wise man told me that the mobile network carrier you choose says a lot about your life

No wonder I use Virgin Mobile.

The world's largest info tech company has merged with a mobile accessories company, but refuses to share a name with them. And they're not even sorry about it.

Nope, they're not Apple-Logitech.

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

I've got a Christian mobile

It's pray as you go

There's a penguin riding his snow mobile through the Antarctic. I

It starts to sputter and he decides to pull into a mechanic to get the snow mobile looked at. The mechanic comes out and after having a quick look over says he will need an hour to fix it. The penguin asks where he can wait nearby and the mechanic tells him that there is an ice cream parlor next doo...

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The Pope-mobile

Because nothing says "faith in God" more than 4 inches of bullet-proof glass...

I rewrote Hansel & Gretel but changed the oven to a mobile stove.

The title is now Hansel & Griddle.

Genie (Its long but idk how to flair on mobile)

Three men find a genie and he says he will grant each of them three wishes. The first man wishes for the most beautiful woman in the world to be his wife. It is granted, the second man wishes for a giant floating palace. It is granted. The third man wishes for his left arm to forever move clockwise ...

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Long/Sexist (On mobile and I can’t find the flair) A priest and a woman are walking up the Gates of Heaven when they’re greeted by St. Peter

St. Peter tells them “Sorry, we’re packed today, we can only allow in whichever one of you supported God the most.

So he looks about both of their informations for each of their lives, and he decides to pick the woman.

Of course, the Priest was astonished. He had spent his entire lif...

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you rem...

Did you hear about when Sting got a new mobile phone?

He sent out an SMS to the world.

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AT&T and T-Mobile get married

Nobody wanted to be at the wedding and the reception was still shit.

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I've recently found this incredibly difficult mobile game, that involves matching things. I wish I could turn down the difficulty setting.

Whatever this "Tinder" thing is, it's kicking my ass.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

What did the American mobile tower on the coast say about the foreign cruise liner?

I will not sync with this ship.

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18000 feet

Distress at 18,000 feet.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower's landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone a...

Frog mobile

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would
be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers do...

A politician visits a remote village to garner some votes. He gathers a group of villagers and ask what problems they face.

One guy says crying "sir, we have not had water for months, our crops are dying, we are suffering"

On hearing this the politician takes out his phone and talks into it. "I want all the fields washed with water poured from helicopters." He puts the phone back in his pocket and asks " Ok, what...

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