I've invented an exciting new product. Say goodbye to noise-cancelling headphones...

...and say hello to noise-cancelling megaphones!

Flight attendant: Would you like some headphones?

Passenger: Yeah. Sure. By the way, how’d you know my name was Phones?

It was going to be a long road trip. I popped on my headphones, pulled up a movie on my phone, and got lost in the action as the car headed down the highway.

The passengers probably wished that I'd waited until I wasn't driving to do that.

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wear headphones now when I masturbate

It's mostly to drown out the voices on the bus.
People saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver"

I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday"

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

The headphones I just bought for $400 doesn't seem to be working...

hope I'm having a hearing loss.

I was listening to my wireless headphones while the dentist was working on my teeth.

He needed to tell me something so he pulled out my earbud.

It was a Bluetooth extraction.

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell headphones for $549.

Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires?

Cause they would tie themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

Why did apple remove headphone jack from iPhone?

Because Tim Cook prefers one hole underneath instead of two.

A blonde goes to a barber with a pair of headphones on...

The barber asks for her to take them off so he can cut her hair and she screams that he can't. He murmurs under his breath but begins to attempt to cut her hair. He is almost finished but he can't cut the hair under the damn headphones. He decides to make the decision himself by removing them. Once ...

A blonde was walking down the street with headphones in

A friend of hers stops her, and tries to talk to her

The blonde just stares at them, keeping the headphones in her ears, so the friend removes them for her and the blonde stops breathing

The friend quickly puts the earbuds back in and she starts breathing again

The friend tries ...

How do you get people to talk to you?

Put in headphones

Headphone Jack

[Removed]

What do you call wireless headphones you give to your kids?

Heirpods

I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife.

But i can still hear her.

A guy turns to his buddy during an archaeological excavation and slides one headphone back off his ear...

"Hey man, I really dig this album!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have an idea for a knockoff brand of headphones.

Beats, by Chris Brown

In available colors

* Blood red

* Teardrop blue

* Loose tooth white

* Bruise purple

* Open wound pink

* Unconcious black

* Pissed myself yellow

* Morphine clear

* Chris BROWN

Prices so low you will be ...

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very...

My dumbass just pulled my phone closer to hear better...

I'm wearing blutooth headphones.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

Sharing earbuds and headphones spreads disease

How do you think I got hearing aids?

Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?

Beats me.

I accidentally laundered my headphones today

Now they smell nice and I'm getting some really clean sound.

What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you

Implantable Headphones

The past few years, people have been circulating articles saying that we'll all have to get chip implants under Obamacare. They reference the book of Revelation and say it's the mark of the beast. But I got to thinking; in-ear headphones get annoying and over-ears aren't that portable. So in the fut...

A man loses the ability to hear lighter sounds.

He had worn headphones at high volume for too long.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can heard s...

Um idk what to write so hi

A flight attendant sees a man watching a movie she sees he is only using captions so she walks up to him

Flight attendant: Hello would you like some headphones

Man: Of course i would but how did you know my name was phones?

So my brother made a dad joke

I put my pants in the washing machine and forgot to take my headphones out of my pocket. After they were done washing my brother realized what I did, he asked me

"Is the sound cleaner now?"

My computer decided to replace all my icons to this weird yellow bubble with headphones...

The Audacity...

A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on...

...And says to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off".

So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away.
...

What do you call headphones that walk out on their children?

Deadbeats

I've kinda felt like my headphones recently

I've got a severe lack of anything to jack inside of.

My girlfriend said she won't miss the iPhone headphone jack as much as everyone.

Said she goes to bed to another miniscule 3.5mm thing anyway.

New headphones model about to hit stores.

Its called beats by Chris Brown.

How does lettuce listen to music?

Headphones

A blonde with headphones goes to the barber...

When he asked her what haircut she wants, she responded: Just cut everything but without taking the headphones off.
The barber thought it was weird but he just did it.

A month later the blonde with headphones comes again to the barber. He asks her which haircut she wants and she responded ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde wearing large headphones walks into a hair salon

and sits down in the barber's chair. She asks for a quick trim, and the barber gets to work.

After a minute or two, the barber needs to remove the headphones to continue, and tries asking the woman to take them off. She cannot hear him, so he gives up and takes them off without permission - n...

They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now

Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats.

I'm so sorry.

Consult an audiophile before buying new headphones

Their reasoning is pretty sound

Would headphones get tangled in space?

no, they would knot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate how Apple took away the headphone socket all willy-nilly

It's like it means jack shit to them

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

A blonde goes to the barber while wearing headphones

She asks for a haircut. The barber accepts but suggest her to take of her headphones, to which the blonde replies she can't cause otherwise she'll die.

The barber is confused, but decides to start cutting her hair anyway. Halfway, the barber asks again if the blonde can remove her headphones...

So a pair of Beats headphones walk into a bar...

So a pair of Beats walk into a bar full of audiophiles. The bartender says "we don't like your kind 'round here" and the pair of Beats say "sorry man, were not looking for any treble"

One day a blonde went to the hairdresser...

The blonde ordered a trim but insisted that she absolutely could not take off the headphones she was wearing. The hairdresser declined and kicked her out of his barber shop.The blonde kept repeating the same request at different hairdresser’s until one finally agreed. As she was getting her trim the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."

She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"

He says, "Absolutely. But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A VERY elderly wealthy man and a gold digging show girl get married in Las Vegas.

She figures that she will show him such a good time on their wedding night that he won't survive and then she will inherit his fortune.

They get to their honeymoon suite and the show girl announces that she is going into the bathroom to freshen up. She comes out wearing a sexy little outfit t...

A blonde walks into a hairdressers

She asks the hairdresser for a trim. The hair dresser asks her to take a seat but tells the blonde she needs to remove her headphones.

Blondie insists she can't remove them and the lady will have to do the best job she can.

After a while the hairdresser gets frustrated and says, "sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pian...

The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding...

It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!

I hear voices in my head

But only when I wear headphones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reef knot, Sheepshank, Clove Hitch, Bowline. I don't know how to tie these knots

But my fucking headphones do

A blonde goes to the hairdresser

A blonde goes to the hairdresser wearing headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take her headphones off. No! The blonde replies. But m’ am, your headphones are in the way, please take them off. No! The blonde says again. Because the blonde refuses to take her headphones off, the hairdresser sees bu...

Do you know why Apple steals all their ideas?

Cause when they make their own I lose my headphones.

Trying to talk to a gorgeous girl

ME: \*tries to talk to a girl on train\*

GIRL: \*points to her headphones\*

ME: oh yeah, those are nice! so what's your name?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up for work, and in the shower he hears a voice in his head

"Sell everything you own, fly to Las Vegas" the voice says.

The man is confused, but shrugs it off and assumes he just imagined it. He gets out of the shower and brushes his teeth. After he gets dressed, he heads into the kitchen to make a quick breakfast. As he's looking in the fridge, he he...

Two Blizzard employees are driving through a city and are trying to get to an event.

They've been driving for what feels like an eternity but can't seem to find where the event is hosted. They see a young teenager walking on the sidewalk and decide to ask for directions.

After pulling to the side and stopping the teen they ask: "Excuse us, do you happen to know where the Bliz...

A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..

A guy is in a waiting room and has to fart, so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day.

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

Good Sound

An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.

Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: ...

So an iPhone 7 gets arrested...

He puts on his earpods and smugly declares "sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones".

A blonde goes to a hairdresser

A blonde went to a hairdresser to get her hair cut, when she walked in and sat down the hairdresser asked her to take out her earphones

'oh no, I can't do that my mother and father told me to never take them out'

The hairdresser said that she would have to as he could not cut her hair ...

iPhone's from the future.

2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack

2017: iPhone 8=no battery

2018: iPhone 9=no screen

2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000

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