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Headphone Jokes

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Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

Airline stewardess: Would you like some headphones?

Passenger: Yes, of course I would! How did you know my name was phones?

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I wear headphones now when I masturbate.

Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

What do you call a hipster wearing headphones?

Anything you like, he can't hear you

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My friend said that he watched porn on a train not wearing any headphones.

I'll be honest though, I've never seen a train wearing any before.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate the headphone jack.

My friend has noise cancelling headphones

I don't think noise deserved it, but such is the way if the internet.

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I dropped my headphones in the toilet

and now they sound like shit.

I purchased some noise canceling headphones...

I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints.

Why did apple remove headphone jack from iPhone?

Because Tim Cook prefers one hole underneath instead of two.

A blonde goes to a barber with a pair of headphones on...

The barber asks for her to take them off so he can cut her hair and she screams that he can't. He murmurs under his breath but begins to attempt to cut her hair. He is almost finished but he can't cut the hair under the damn headphones. He decides to make the decision himself by removing them. Once ...

The headphones I just bought for $400 doesn't seem to be working...

hope I'm having a hearing loss.

Headphone Jack

[Removed]

I lost my left headphone on Friday night

At first I was upset, but now it’s all right…

No but seriously, that’s why I came up with this bad joke.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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I recently got headphones to help me drown out the voices of other people.

It helps me concentrate when I'm trying to masturbate.

I mean, it's just so noisy on the bus.

People yell at me all the time, with stuff like "You have to be more responsible, you're the bus driver!"

Like c'mon Karen, really? You just sit at home all day, while I get your kids o...

What do you call a wizard with wireless headphones?

Airy-Podder

Sharing earbuds and headphones spreads disease

How do you think I got hearing aids?

I was listening to my wireless headphones while the dentist was working on my teeth.

He needed to tell me something so he pulled out my earbud.

It was a Bluetooth extraction.

(My 4 year old finds this absolutely hilarious) Why was the cow wearing headphones?

So he can listen to mooosic!

What are you doing when you wear a phydsicist's headphones?

Putting Higg's Bose on.

A blonde was walking down the street with headphones in

A friend of hers stops her, and tries to talk to her

The blonde just stares at them, keeping the headphones in her ears, so the friend removes them for her and the blonde stops breathing

The friend quickly puts the earbuds back in and she starts breathing again

The friend tries ...

Implantable Headphones

The past few years, people have been circulating articles saying that we'll all have to get chip implants under Obamacare. They reference the book of Revelation and say it's the mark of the beast. But I got to thinking; in-ear headphones get annoying and over-ears aren't that portable. So in the fut...

Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires?

Cause they would tie themselves.

I bought some Skullcandy headphones.

They taste awful, but it's good brain food.

A guy turns to his buddy during an archaeological excavation and slides one headphone back off his ear...

"Hey man, I really dig this album!"

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I hate how Apple took away the headphone socket all willy-nilly

It's like it means jack shit to them

A blonde walked into a hairdresser with headphones on...

...And says to the hairdresser, "Do anything with my hair, but don't take the earphones off".

So the hairdresser started to cut but was finding it pretty difficult, so he thinks "What could happen if I took the headphones off?", and he took them off. The blonde dropped dead straight away.
...

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I have an idea for a knockoff brand of headphones.

Beats, by Chris Brown

In available colors

* Blood red

* Teardrop blue

* Loose tooth white

* Bruise purple

* Open wound pink

* Unconcious black

* Pissed myself yellow

* Morphine clear

* Chris BROWN

Prices so low you will be ...

My girlfriend said she won't miss the iPhone headphone jack as much as everyone.

Said she goes to bed to another miniscule 3.5mm thing anyway.

Would headphones get tangled in space?

no, they would knot

I've kinda felt like my headphones recently

I've got a severe lack of anything to jack inside of.

New headphones model about to hit stores.

Its called beats by Chris Brown.

What do you call it when an Apple fan is watching a 90s movie on a tablet about a dog that plays basketball on their wireless headphones?

They're watching Air Bud on their iPad through their Air Pods earbuds.

A blonde with headphones goes to the barber...

When he asked her what haircut she wants, she responded: Just cut everything but without taking the headphones off.
The barber thought it was weird but he just did it.

A month later the blonde with headphones comes again to the barber. He asks her which haircut she wants and she responded ...

A female flight attendant walks down the isle and offers a man some headphones.

“Would you like some headphones?” She asks.

The man smiles a large grin.

“Why certainly!” He says, “And how did you know my name was Phones?”

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell headphones for $549.

The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding...

It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!

They're marketing headphones specifically for gorillas now

Rumor has it they'll be called Harambeats.

I'm so sorry.

Consult an audiophile before buying new headphones

Their reasoning is pretty sound

What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you

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A blonde wearing large headphones walks into a hair salon

and sits down in the barber's chair. She asks for a quick trim, and the barber gets to work.

After a minute or two, the barber needs to remove the headphones to continue, and tries asking the woman to take them off. She cannot hear him, so he gives up and takes them off without permission - n...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

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Phone sex is getting tougher and tougher

Esp when they removed 3.5 mm headphone jack .

Henry Winkler’s Flight

Henry Winkler is flying from London to New York and starts to get cold. He requests a blanket and pillow from the flight attendant. Upon returning with theses items the flight attendant asks: “Would you like some headphones?”

Mr. Winkler replies: “I would love that!! However it’s pronounced ‘...

What do you call headphones that walk out on their children?

Deadbeats

A blonde goes to the barber while wearing headphones

She asks for a haircut. The barber accepts but suggest her to take of her headphones, to which the blonde replies she can't cause otherwise she'll die.

The barber is confused, but decides to start cutting her hair anyway. Halfway, the barber asks again if the blonde can remove her headphones...

It was going to be a long road trip. I popped on my headphones, pulled up a movie on my phone, and got lost in the action as the car headed down the highway.

The passengers probably wished that I'd waited until I wasn't driving to do that.

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

I snuck up on my roommate and had a horn sound on my phone ready to play, and I turned the volume way up.

I pressed play, only to find that I had forgotten to remove my headphones.

How do you get people to talk to you?

Put in headphones

A blonde walks into a hairdressers

She asks the hairdresser for a trim. The hair dresser asks her to take a seat but tells the blonde she needs to remove her headphones.

Blondie insists she can't remove them and the lady will have to do the best job she can.

After a while the hairdresser gets frustrated and says, "sorry...

My dumbass just pulled my phone closer to hear better...

I'm wearing blutooth headphones.

How does lettuce listen to music?

Headphones

Blonde goes to the salon.

A blonde walked into a salon wearing huge headphones. When it was her turn to get her haircut, the hairdresser requested for her to remove her headphones. The blonde said it was very important for her to keep them on. The hairdresser complied and started cutting her hair. After a while she was havin...

So my brother made a dad joke

I put my pants in the washing machine and forgot to take my headphones out of my pocket. After they were done washing my brother realized what I did, he asked me

"Is the sound cleaner now?"

So a pair of Beats headphones walk into a bar...

So a pair of Beats walk into a bar full of audiophiles. The bartender says "we don't like your kind 'round here" and the pair of Beats say "sorry man, were not looking for any treble"

My computer decided to replace all my icons to this weird yellow bubble with headphones...

The Audacity...

A blonde goes to the hairdresser

A blonde goes to the hairdresser wearing headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take her headphones off. No! The blonde replies. But m’ am, your headphones are in the way, please take them off. No! The blonde says again. Because the blonde refuses to take her headphones off, the hairdresser sees bu...

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Reef knot, Sheepshank, Clove Hitch, Bowline. I don't know how to tie these knots

But my fucking headphones do

Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000

Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day.

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut....

A blonde walks into a hair salon.

A blonde woman walks into a hair salon wearing a big pair of headphones. She sits down and the stylist asks her if she would take the headphones off so he can cut her hair. The blonde says "no, sorry, the headphones have to stay".

He replies "Are you sure? I can't really give you a good hair...

One day a blonde went to the hairdresser...

The blonde ordered a trim but insisted that she absolutely could not take off the headphones she was wearing. The hairdresser declined and kicked her out of his barber shop.The blonde kept repeating the same request at different hairdresser’s until one finally agreed. As she was getting her trim the...

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

A sergeant major, an mp, and a chaplain are at a post.

The sergeant major points to the chaplain, he says to the E2 newly enlisted Military Police officer, see that chaplain over there? Yes, said the MP. The sergeant major said "arrest him, hes wearing headphones at post". The mp puts the chaplain in cuffs and reads him his rights before stopping and st...

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Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

So a blonde lady goes to the barber.

Barber says "I can't cut your hair if you don't take off your headphones". Blonde lady says "I can't take off my headphones or else I will die". Barber proceeds to cut her hair as best as he can without removing her headphones.

After a few minutes, the barber is just about done with the hairc...

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

A Man Walks into a Gun Store...

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,...

I was hearing voices in my head,

So, I took my headphones off.

A man loses the ability to hear lighter sounds.

He had worn headphones at high volume for too long.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can heard s...

iPhone's from the future.

2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack

2017: iPhone 8=no battery

2018: iPhone 9=no screen

2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."

She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"

He says, "Absolutely. But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fon...

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

Trying to talk to a gorgeous girl

ME: \*tries to talk to a girl on train\*

GIRL: \*points to her headphones\*

ME: oh yeah, those are nice! so what's your name?

dumb blonde

A blond walk into a hair salon with headphones on and sits down in a chair. The blonde asks the woman working there for a haircut. The woman takes of the headphones and cuts the blondes hair. After she is finished she looks down and to her surprise finds the blonde dead. The woman puts on the headph...

A blonde goes to get her haircut.

When she sits down onto the chair, the hairdresser notices that she's wearing headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she refused. She said, "If I take these off I'll die." The hairdresser was puzzled, but she cuts her hair anyways. While she's getting her haircut, the blonde fall...

A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..

A guy is in a waiting room and has to fart, so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"

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