"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

A brother and sister, and husband and wife, are sitting in the living room listening to the radio.

Suddenly, “Sweet Home Alabama” started playing. The two looked at each other and exclaimed, “Our song!”

Yesterday, I called a local radio station to request "I'm Free" by The Rolling Stones. However, they played a song of the same title by The Who.

You can't always get what you want.

A ship radios the German coast guard

Ship: Help we are sinking!

German coast guard: wot are you sinking about?

One day a DJ for a local radio station wanted to change things up.

He wanted to start playing more up beat music, so he went to the manager of the station and told him his idea. The manager said he would look into it.

A few days go by and the manager comes back to the DJ and tells him there is a problem with one of the songs he wants to play from The Beach B...

The following is announced on the radio:

All drivers on route 66, pay attention! Stay to the far right as much as possible. There have been reports off a driver driving in the wrong lane. A man looks at his radio and says: 1 driving in the wrong lane? There are thousands of them!

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

What's a pirate's favorite radio station?

NPRRR! (nautical pirate rrradio)

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio.

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.

Heard this on the radio, yesterday morning.

Why did the Coffee call the police?

It got Mugged.

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesus’s will.

I thought “wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.”

They’re taking “Baby It’s Cold Outside” off off of the radio for being offensive?

But I can’t help to think about all those poor children that lost their grandmothers in tragic reindeer accidents.

Princess Diana was all over the radio the night she died,

And on the dashboard, the seats and the steering wheel...

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Voice activated radio.

I just bought a voice activated stereo for my car. Whatever genre of music you say, it will play the most popular artist from that genre of all time.


I told my radio "Rap"

2 Pac started playing on the stereo.

I then told my stereo "Heavy Metal"

It blared Metallica...

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

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Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

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Heard this one on the radio this morning.

An 80 year old man sees a hot young lady in the store. He approaches her and says "I don't mean this to sound like a pickup line, but you look familiar. Are you a doctor?" The young lady says "yes sir I am, I'm a urologist". The old man says "oh yeah I went to you 10 years ago because me and the wif...

I used to tell a joke about radios

But it’s reception was always poor

A man is listening to the radio in his car when the broadcast is interrupted:

“Attention! Attention! A driver is heading down the highway in the wrong direction!”

The man scans the road, clogged with oncoming traffic. He mutters to himself, “what do you mean a driver? I see hundreds of them!”

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cu...

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

I'm thinking about getting a job in radio.

All my friends say I've got the voice for radio.

And all my exes say I've got the face for it.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.



“Who?” the son asks.



“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'

**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?

**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

Taylor Swift sounds better on Azerbaijani radios

Because she never gets played

A radio host was taking a break during his podcast when he realized that someone stole his motorcycle from the station's parking lot.

The radio host took the mic and started yelling:

"To the people who stole my motorcycle this morning, you have 4 hours to bring it back to me or I'll do to you the same thing my dad did in 1999 when someone stole his car!"

Only 30 minutes had passed when 2 guys showed up to the radio s...

I used to think that all radios had an antenna

But now I realise that was just a stereo type

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

What do you call good suggestions given over the radio?

Sound advice.

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

What's the first thing you should do when Nicki Minaj dies?

Turn the radio back on

The local radio station was asking listeners to call on with their favorite Stars in Horror Movie

I was the first caller and said "Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman"! Apparently enunciation is EVERYTHING.

When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.

Yeah, right. Next time, they're probably gonna say that caffeine causes memory loss.

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While driving a blonde woman was listening to the radio...

The hosts were telling blonde jokes, so while frustrated because of how blondes are perceived she sees another blonde in a boat rowing in the middle of a wheat field.

She gets off of her car red with anger and starts yelling at the other woman:
-You dumb bitch, women like you are the reaso...

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The Radio Contest

A radio station is doing a contest, if a caller can name a word that isn’t in the dictionary and can use it in a sentence they will win tickets to a concert. People start calling in and naming words but either they’re in the dictionary or the DJs don’t agree with the usage.

Finally someone c...

Reddit jokes are like a CB radio..

*copy* that

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A radio station is having a contest

Any caller who can come up with a word the DJ can't find in the dictionary wins the prize. They have to spell it and use it in a sentence. After many calls and many failed attempts, someone finally has one. "Thanks for calling 105.3! What's your word caller?". "Goan, spelled G-O-A-N." After sco...

I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

What’s the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station?

Radio stations only have 90 minutes of nonstop hits.

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Sitting at home I heard on the radio there was a car travelling the wrong way down the road my Wife comes home on so I quickly phoned her to warn her..

'Honey please be careful, there's a car driving the wrong way on the road you come home on'

'One car? There's fucking hundreds of them!'

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An Irish radio station

An Irish radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win €1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"...

Did you hear about Paul Walker on the radio?

And the dashboard and pretty much the rest of the interior

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A Muslim Extremist orders an Uber.

His uber driver arrives so he gets in the car to proceed to his destination, the extremist then asks the driver a question.

Extremist: in the time of Muhammad did they have radio?

Driver: no.

Extremist: so why do you have the radio on?

Driver: *turns off radio*

The...

Did you hear about the two radio antennae that got married?

I went to the wedding, it was terrible...

...but the reception was great.

A new conspiracy theory states Priness Diana was actually on the radio shortly after the supposed accident that killed her.

And the windshield, and the dashboard...

^^^^I ^^^^made ^^^^myself ^^^^sad

The handsome radio host

Had a call in contest and the first person to call would get anything they asked for within reason. The phones explode with callers and he answers the first caller. It's an old crippled woman who happens to be in a wheelchair. She said she never had a date in her whole life and would like a date wit...

FM radio is the future! Just think about it, a trillion songs to listen to.

Nevermind, it's only playing the same 20 songs everyday.

Radio conversation in between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This...

I'm 75 and someone assumed that I listen to AM radio...

How dare they stereotype me like that

A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...

Suddenly the radio starts booming: “Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.”

The man, staring at the radio with a confused expression thinks to himself “One? There are hundreds of them!”

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

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The Marine Corp and the radio

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a big - sophisticated looking radio in the back.

"Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked.

Several hands went up, and anticipat...

What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?

A Guackie-talkie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”

And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

The policemen were talking over the radio:

Mr. Sargeant, we arrived at the crime location

*What's the situation over there?*, asked the sargeant over the radio

A woman just killed its husband. He was stabbed 35 times, shot twice, asphixiated, decapitated and then burned.

*And what was the reason for such an atrocious cr...

Why did the radio start drinking again?

It ran out of AA batteries

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is a true story of a poor ditzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Pl...

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in. "Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd

That would be stereotyping.

My grandmother recently called in to a contest on the radio.

The contest was giving away free skydiving lessons to the first caller.
My grandmother called in, and she was the first caller, so they gave her the papers for the free lessons.
She started the lessons a few days later. When the instructor opened the plane door and told her to jump off, my gra...

As a man drives on the hiwhway he hears some emergency news on the radio

"There is a maniac on the highway driving on the opposite direction. Be very careful" the radio says.

To which the man responds

"Just one? Don't they see?? All them are driving in the wrong direction".

Stephen Fry broke a world record when he read the entire Harry Potter series live on BBC Radio 4.

Listeners were disappointed that he didn't read it out loud...

What version of the Rolling Stones' "Hey You, Get Off of My Cloud" is played on Scottish Radio?

Hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!

Did you heard about the mariage of the two radios ?

It seems like they got a good reception.

So the Pope is super early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the ...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

My wife's favorite song is "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers. She says so every time it's on the radio.

I reply "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

The inventor of the clockwork radio has died.

It's true, it's not a wind up!

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

Wife: We're not talking over the radio. This relationship is over.

Husband: This relationship is what? Over.

Did I tell you about the time Bilbo Baggins woke up to "Don't Stop Believing" on the radio?

It was an unexpected Journey.

German ocean rescue radio headquarter

*A call comes to the radio*

"German Ocean Rescue, what is your problem?"
"Help, we are sinking, we are sinking!"
"What are you sinking about?"

A blond girl turns on the radio and hears that 2 Brazilian men were killed

As she starts to cry she asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An irish radio station holds a contest to find words that are common but not in the dictionary

the first caller calls in and says "go'an"
"can you use it in a sentence?" replies the radio host
"yeah go'an fuck yer self" and the host cuts him off the 14 caller calls in "smee"
"use it in a sentence" the host replies
"its smee go'an fuck yer self" the host cuts him off the last call...

I can’t get my satellite radio to work

I’m having sirius issues

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return th...

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Expensive cars and their radios.

A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she ...

Why can't a fish be a radio host?

Because if he goes on air, he'll die.

I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer.

Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black.

A blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio..

It says that two Brazilian men were killed. She stats crying and says, "How many is a brazilian?"

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