UPJOKE
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One day, a blonde woman was driving her car through the countryside when she decided to listen to the radio.

The only available station was a comedy station that kept telling blonde joke after blonde joke, which made the blonde very annoyed.

She turned off the radio and decided to look at the scenery to calm herself down, but then she saw something even more infuriating. Another blonde woman was sit...

Can radio be an addiction?

Depends on the frequency.

Two windmills stood on a hill with a radio.

One turned to his friend and asked, “What’s your favourite music?”

The other windmill said, “I’m a big metal fan.”

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

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An Irish radio station was running a competition

Words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N p...

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks...

Why don’t they play heavy metal over the radio?

Because the it’s too heavy for the antenna to pick it up

I got myself a new fancy radio for my birthday.......

One of them Gateaux Blasters.

Transcripts of radio conversations of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

A police officer called the station on his radio.

“I have an interesting situation here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No, the floor’s still wet.”

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Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

Radio Yerevan Joke

One type joke from back in the Soviet Union was a Radio Yerevan Joke, in which Radio Yerevan would make a witty subversive reply to various queries. Anyway, here's a new one I saw about the present war:


"This is Radio Yerevan. Our listeners ask us: 'According to Putin, what is going on ...

Radio Yerevan was asked:

Radio Yerevan was asked:

Our beloved great leader comrade Putin described that western European economy has been inching towards the collapse and now on the edge of a cliff because of its heavy reliance on Russian energy. That makes me wonder what our economy's current situation is like?
<...

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A man wakes up one morning and hears on the radio that a gorilla has escaped from the zoo.

Deciding that this news does impact his life in any way, the man goes outside to retrieve the mail. Just as he reaches his mailbox, he hears very loud grunting above him and looks up at his massive tree next to the mailbox. Up high in the tree is none other than the escaped gorilla, hooting and holl...

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

This is Moscow Radio:

Our listeners asked us: “We are told by the president that the Great Russian World is already seen at the horizon. Then, what is a horizon?”

We’re answering: “Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.”

What did the manager at the radio telescope facility tell the maintenance guy?

Don’t forget to do the dishes.

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A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.

The instructor said, "I would radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you are doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell she was doing great.

At 2,000 feet, the instructor radioed her to tell her again, she was doing great.

As the helicopter got to 3,000 feet, the ...

Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.

The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the hell he's waiting for. Chief radios back...

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Oh," radioed the American sub. "I guess we won"

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

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The astronauts aboard the ISS radioed NASA saying they'd seen a new object from their orbit.

Turns out you really can see Zelensky's balls from space.

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10 speed

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pu...

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Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

A blonde is driving on the interstate…

Her husband calls her and says... "Be careful darling, it's just been on the radio that someone is driving the wrong way on the interstate" "Someone?" she replies, "theres hundreds of em!"

Where fat goes

Not a joke, but a report on the radio out of Orlando, FL some years ago as part of a program where kids wrote NASA engineers their questions.

Kid: When I lose weight, where does the fat go?

NASA Engineer: My girlfriend

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Was comrade Lenin a scientist or a politician?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Of course, a politician. If he were a scientist, he would've first tried his theories on dogs."

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Where did you last have sex?

A man calls into a radio station contest to win two tickets to Hawaii. He gets through and the DJs tell him the rules. The DJs are going to ask him a question and then call his wife and ask her the same question. If their answers match then the couple win the tickets. The man acknowledges the rules ...

I was listening to the orchestra but I had to turn off the radio...

There was too much sax and violins.

My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.

Two police officers are driving down the road

Dispatch notifies them of an abandoned car on the highway a mile up from them. As they drive towards it, one of the officers starts talking to his partner about his problems at home. He explains how his wife complained his performance in bed is unsatisfactory and it makes her not enjoy being around ...

Not sure if that one has already been here, if so - I apologize

A man drives his car on the highway, when he hears the following traffic warning on the radio "Drivers, be careful there is a wrong way driver coming on the highway 9 in the direction of Berlin."
"Whaat?", shouts out the man to himself. "One?? More like a thousand of them!!"

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

Why did the conspiracy theorist tell the radio repairman to take his time?

Because there was no rush

An elderly man is out driving when a man on his radio suddenly announces:

*Beware of a dangerous car driving against the general direction of travel*

Annoyed, the man, alone in his car, mumbles to himself:
*One? There are several hundred of them!*

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

Why radio lovers love to play hide and seek?

Because **RADIO OR NOT** here i come!



(Okay, that wasn't quite good)

An innocent joke I remember from a radio show or CD from about 20 years ago.

A little boy answered the phone one day. The caller, surprised to hear the young voice says, "Hi, is your mommy or daddy home?".

"Mommy is busy."

"Okay, is your daddy home?" The caller asks.

"No, daddy is busy."

"Okay," says the caller. "Is anyone else there?"

"The...

Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call

Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately.

Please prepare the cabin.

Crew: Why, what is happening?

Pilot: Threat of an explosive.

Cew: What? What explosive?!

Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't.

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A blonde was driving her car down an Iowa highway in August

As she drove down the road, she had her radio tuned to an all talk channel. The dj on the radio was telling blonde joke after blonde joke non stop, and finally the blonde woman got angry. She turned the radio off and tore the knob off the radio and threw it out the window. A few miles later she came...

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

As they loaded my mother-in-law into the ambulance...

...I reached into my wallet and pulled out all the cash I had. Taking the arm of the paramedic, I offered him the money.

"I know it's not much", I said (it was £80), "but please, if you can, see what you can do"

He looked into my tear soaked eyes, the blue lights from the ambulance mak...

Minister Shoigu

There are rumors in Moscow, that minister Shoigu commited suicide. One concerned Russian called Moscow radio station and asked if he really commited suicide and if they knew what were his last words. The answer was: "Minister Shoigu really committed suicide and his last words were: Comrades do not s...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

Speeding Pope

A guy gets a job as a high profile chauffeur and his first assignment is to pick up the Pope from the airport.
"You know," begins the Pope, "they never let me drive myself back at the Vatican. What do you say I drive a few blocks then you can take over?"
After arguing for a while, the chauffeu...

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A radio host asks his listeners for song requests.

A 90 year old woman calls in and says:

"Can you play 2 lips and 7 kisses?"

To mess with the old women he replies:

"I'm sorry I don't have that, but I do have 2 balls and 7 inches"

Confused, the woman asks back:

"Is that a record?"

To which the man replies:...

A radio station said to call their hotline to win a prize

All I got was a burnt hand

GF: “ why do we need radios, our relationship is over “

Dude: “ our relationship is what? “

Did you hear that Jayne Mansfield is on the radio?

And the dashboard, and the steering wheel....

I called into a Russian radio station to request that they play some U2...

They shot me down :(

Babe why did you get these new radios? Our relationship is over.

Our relationship is what? Over.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop...

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

My grandpa loves to listen to music on the radio.

His favorite genre is Hip-pop.

A man is driving on the motorway

His wife calls him and says, “babe, be careful out there, radio just said that there’s a rogue car driving the wrong way on the M12!”

The man shouts over the phone, “Can’t hear you babe! Everyone’s driving the wrong way!”

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A hillbilly decides to get his life together

One day 2 hillbillies are sitting on their porch rocking chairs listening to the radio and one of them says, “man there’s gotta be more to life than this, I’m tired of not doing anything useful.” Right then, an ad starts playing on the radio for the local community college. That’s it! The hillbilly ...

During a radio interview the host brings up his Swedish guest's past achievements as an air force commander...

"So Commander, I understand you were an ace fighter pilot during World War II"

The Commander replies, "Ya sure, dis is true, I shot down nine of those Fokkers"

The host says, "at this point I think we should inform our listening audience that a "Fokker" is a type of German airplane use...

My dad hit me with his Radio

It hertz

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ.

He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks.

Someone called me on the phone and asked me if I wanted satellite radio.

I said, “ are you Serius “?

A guy gets pulled over for speeding

The cop comes up to his car, the guy rolls his window down

The cop says “can I see your license and registration?”

The guy responds, “well the thing is officer, my registration is in my glove box. But also in my glove box is a loaded pistol that I just used to kill a woman who’s body i...

My dad loves to boast about he can get Mexico on his ham radio set up.

That's nothing I'd say, I can open my window and get Chili.

Did you hear the one about the Ham Radio Operator's kids?

They di-dit and di-dit 'cuz their dah-dah di-dit!

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A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world

A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world and after all the qualifying rounds were completed three police agencies were shortlisted for the finals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, France National Police and NYPD.

Just so it happened that a tiger was terrorizing a near...

The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear

So I turn in inside out every day

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'

**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?

**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

I heard about a double entendre contest on the radio

So I entered my sister

Jamie's house was ransacked and burglarized.

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with ...

I forgot how much I hated Nickelback until you blasted their song on the radio...

And this is how you remind me?!!!

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

What do you call portable, two-way radio transceivers that hate racism and like to smoke pot?

Wokey-Tokies

A Trucker was looking to get a little action one night

So he gets on his CB radio and asked if anyone knows a good place to find some "company". Another trucker radios back with a nearby address, and tells him he'll have the best time ever for just $20.

The trucker goes to brothel with his $20, eager to see what that will get him. When he walk...

Heard on the FAA radio frequency after Trump is dropped off in Florida:

“Air Force one just took a number two, over”

What do you call Bruce Lee pulling a Radio Flyer?

Enter the wagon.

A Scottish Canadian man called me on my radio talk show. He started insulting me and repeating what I said in a weird voice

It was call-in mockery

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A man walks into an exotic car dealership and sees a brand new Lamborghini Aventador for only 1000 dollars

The man walks to the salesman and asks him "hey am I reading that correctly? Only one thousand dollars? Don't those usually go for 200 grand whereabouts? What's the catch?"

The car salesman replies, "Not really. Only 14 miles on the odometer, got the twin turbo V12, but due to a defect with t...

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Phil Mickelson Pulls into a Full Service Station

Phil pulled his brand new Escalade up to the gas pumps and an attendant hurried out.

He was in awe of Escalades and really wanted to see it up close. As he was filling the tank, he asked Phil if his ride had extra features.

Phil said, "Indeed it does. It came packed with all the lates...

I heard over the radio there was a maniac on the loose!

I got so scared I almost missed the pedestrians!

What do you call a radio that only plays music from the 1950s and 1960s?

A boomerbox

A guy walks into a radio store.

He then says, "god, there are so many stereo-types."

I’ve always been told that I have a face for radio

And a singing voice for silent movies.

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

Is it really okay?

Is it really okay to let the song "Last Christmas" run in the radio at a nursing home?

I think my ham radio equipment may have fallen in love with me.

It hasn't said anything but I've been picking up a lot of signals.

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

Reddit jokes are like a CB radio..

*copy that*

What do you see when you look at encrypted radio communications?

A signed wave.

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Three pensioners are sitting on a park bench.

Says the first: "Yes, old age! I used to love reading the newspaper, and now I can't even decipher the headlines!
Yes, my eyes, my eyes...!"


Says the second: "And I used to love listening to the radio; now I can't even understand a word at full volume!
Yes, my ears, my ears!“
<...

A German Coast Guard was working his first shift as a radio dispatcher when a boat got into trouble.

Sailor: Mayday, Mayday! Can anybody hear me?

Operator: Ah hallo. Zis is ze German Coast Guard. I can hear you.

Sailor: This is Mayday! We are sinking! I repeat. We are sinking!!

Operator: Ah, Okay. So... vot are you sinking about?

Gates of Heaven

Three men are waiting in line to address St Peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks the first man,
"We're you faithful in your marriage?"
The 1st man replies ," I guess I can't lie here,so, yes. Yes I did many times.
Peter replies,"For all eternity this rusted out Volkswagen shall be yo...

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A teenage girl came across an old man sitting next to his radio, tapping his cane in time to a Lil Wayne song.

"Holy crap! I didn't know you'd like rap music?!"
"I didn't, either," the old man replied. "It all started after my hip op".

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The Radio Contest

A radio station is doing a contest, if a caller can name a word that isn’t in the dictionary and can use it in a sentence they will win tickets to a concert. People start calling in and naming words but either they’re in the dictionary or the DJs don’t agree with the usage.

Finally someone c...

There was an old woman listening to the radio when she heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She decided to call the radio station to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”

So the woman asked, “Is that a record?”

To which the man replied, “No, its average!”

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

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An Irish radio station

An Irish radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win €1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"...

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

A Morning Radio Show in the USSR

"Good morining fellow comrades and welcome to Radio Yerevan's daily Morning show! "

"Today we are waking up with Comrade Stalin and you may not see it but the whole nation is waking up with him!"

"Right now Comrade Stalin is doing his morning excersise and the whole nation is doing mo...

What did the Spanish radio host say after broadcast?

Audios

The night Lady Dianna died she was all over the radio...

And the dash and the windshield..

I heard this on the radio earlier today

Dr Fauci allegedly said that after the pandemic is over and done with we will have to wear masks for 2 months on the back of our heads so our ears will return to normal

My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

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A couple lived near

the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, ...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd

That would be stereotyping.

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