DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I’ve always been told that I have a face for radio

And a singing voice for silent movies.

Which virus killed the radio star?

Covideo

I heard about a double entendre contest on the radio

So I entered my sister

A guy walks into a radio store.

He then says, "god, there are so many stereo-types."

A Morning Radio Show in the USSR

"Good morining fellow comrades and welcome to Radio Yerevan's daily Morning show! "

"Today we are waking up with Comrade Stalin and you may not see it but the whole nation is waking up with him!"

"Right now Comrade Stalin is doing his morning excersise and the whole nation is doing mo...

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

A German Coast Guard was working his first shift as a radio dispatcher when a boat got into trouble.

Sailor: Mayday, Mayday! Can anybody hear me?

Operator: Ah hallo. Zis is ze German Coast Guard. I can hear you.

Sailor: This is Mayday! We are sinking! I repeat. We are sinking!!

Operator: Ah, Okay. So... vot are you sinking about?

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

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Bought a radio with a broken volume knob for £2

I just couldn’t turn it down.

A brittish boat is nearby a port in Germany and calls for help on the radio:

-WE ARE SINKING! WE ARE SINKING!
The german replies:
-Wat are you sinking about?

I made a post about radio head being rubbish and I was downvoted into oblivion.

The karma police came for me

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A radio station

ran a contest for listeners to pick English words that are no longer in use but should be brought back. A caller called...


Hi, my name is Dave


Hi Dave. What's your word?


Goan, spelt G O A N


Ok it's not in the dictionary. How do we use this?


Goan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95...

*US Ship*: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

*Canadians*: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

*US Ship*: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

*Canadians*: "N...

Cops are getting brutal out there. I got pulled over for changing my radio while driving!

And I had JUST gotten the old one taken out when he pulled me over.

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

Still my funniest joke

A man is hosting a radio program and he wants to call a random person to ask for their favourite song in order to play it on the radio. So the random guy says " well I just want to say that I found a person's wallet on the street" and the host tells him " well do you want to share the owner's name s...

The outmaneuvre !

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, borin...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

This is one of my dad's favorite jokes

There are three elephants in a bathtub.

Clyde says to Claude "Pass the soap."

Claude says "No soap radio."









\*I'm curious if anyone knows the joke

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?

Because of the tele-ban

The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in.

They said: "B minor".

An Airbus is flying 30,000 feet in the air at 200,000 mph. Suddenly a eurofighter jet pulls up and slows down beside it and radioes it.

“Boring flight, huh, Airbus? Watch this!” The fighter proceeds to flip upside down and speed up, breaking the sound barrier before corkscrewing to skim the ocean, and coming up back beside the Airbus. “What’d you think?”

The Airbus pilot replies, “Not bad, but look at this.” The Airbus proce...

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An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

Why did Elton John go to Radio City Music Hall?

He wanted to be a Rockette Man

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'

**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?

**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

We found out the guy who plays rock music on his radio at work has ED

We call him Limp Bizkit

A woman is driving for the 1st time on the highway

Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."

She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

Yesterday, I called a local radio station to request "I'm Free" by The Rolling Stones. However, they played a song of the same title by The Who.

You can't always get what you want.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I have a problem...

Patient: Some days I wake up and think I’m Mickey Mouse, and some days I wake up and think I’m Donald Duck

Doctor: Ahh, I see...so how long have you been having these Disney spells?


(Props to the little girl who just told this on the radio, I chuckled)

A police officer radioed the station for backup

Officer: Looks like that domestic disturbance is a homicide, old lady murdered her husband for tracking dirt on a floor she just mopped.

Dispatch: have you arrested her?

Officer: Not yet. The floor isn't dry.

An American ship is sending out a distress signal, "HELP, we are sinking!"

German ship radios back in "What are you sinking about?"

Heard this on the radio, yesterday morning.

Why did the Coffee call the police?

It got Mugged.

Turned on the radio to hear "Shallow". I'm not a fan so switched stations and got "Bad Romance". I also don't like that so tried a third station and got "Poker Face".

It seems that, all I hear is radio Gaga.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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The pope's traffic stop

The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio.

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored from the quarantine I started browsing Craigslist

I found a radio on sale for 99¢, the only catch was that the volume knob was stuck on the highest level.

I thought to myself “can’t turn that down!”

A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked o...

A lady calls her husband while he's on his drive home...

She says:
Harold, I want you to be very careful on the ride home. I just heard on the radio that there's a car driving the wrong way on I-95.

Frantically out of breath, her husband replies:
It's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!

One day a DJ for a local radio station wanted to change things up.

He wanted to start playing more up beat music, so he went to the manager of the station and told him his idea. The manager said he would look into it.

A few days go by and the manager comes back to the DJ and tells him there is a problem with one of the songs he wants to play from The Beach B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.



“Who?” the son asks.



“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Radio Contest

A radio station is doing a contest, if a caller can name a word that isn’t in the dictionary and can use it in a sentence they will win tickets to a concert. People start calling in and naming words but either they’re in the dictionary or the DJs don’t agree with the usage.

Finally someone c...

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

The Popes at the airport,

The popemobile broke down so he hails a taxi,

He demands the driver get him to the cathedral
in 10 minutes or less,

The driver says its impossible, the pope offers to drive,

The taxi driver considers the offer and eventually agrees and hops in the back seat,

The pope ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While driving a blonde woman was listening to the radio...

The hosts were telling blonde jokes, so while frustrated because of how blondes are perceived she sees another blonde in a boat rowing in the middle of a wheat field.

She gets off of her car red with anger and starts yelling at the other woman:
-You dumb bitch, women like you are the reaso...

I used to tell a joke about radios

But it’s reception was always poor

Exactly 22 years ago Princess Diana was on the radio...

...She was also on the windshield, dashboard, and glovebox.

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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cu...

The following is announced on the radio:

All drivers on route 66, pay attention! Stay to the far right as much as possible. There have been reports off a driver driving in the wrong lane. A man looks at his radio and says: 1 driving in the wrong lane? There are thousands of them!

There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.

I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.

I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesus’s will.

I thought “wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish radio station

An Irish radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win €1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"...

They’re taking “Baby It’s Cold Outside” off off of the radio for being offensive?

But I can’t help to think about all those poor children that lost their grandmothers in tragic reindeer accidents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station is having a contest

Any caller who can come up with a word the DJ can't find in the dictionary wins the prize. They have to spell it and use it in a sentence. After many calls and many failed attempts, someone finally has one. "Thanks for calling 105.3! What's your word caller?". "Goan, spelled G-O-A-N." After sco...

Reddit jokes are like a CB radio..

*copy that*

I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

I used to think that all radios had an antenna

But now I realise that was just a stereo type

Princess Diana was all over the radio the night she died,

And on the dashboard, the seats and the steering wheel...

I'm thinking about getting a job in radio.

All my friends say I've got the voice for radio.

And all my exes say I've got the face for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this one on the radio this morning.

An 80 year old man sees a hot young lady in the store. He approaches her and says "I don't mean this to sound like a pickup line, but you look familiar. Are you a doctor?" The young lady says "yes sir I am, I'm a urologist". The old man says "oh yeah I went to you 10 years ago because me and the wif...

Taylor Swift sounds better on Azerbaijani radios

Because she never gets played

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voice activated radio.

I just bought a voice activated stereo for my car. Whatever genre of music you say, it will play the most popular artist from that genre of all time.


I told my radio "Rap"

2 Pac started playing on the stereo.

I then told my stereo "Heavy Metal"

It blared Metallica...

What’s the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station?

Radio stations only have 90 minutes of nonstop hits.

When I was drinking my coffee, I heard on the radio that caffeine causes memory loss.

Yeah, right. Next time, they're probably gonna say that caffeine causes memory loss.

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."

The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"

The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.

The next day the same guy wal...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

A policeman pulled over two priests in a blue SUV for speeding

When the officer was writing them a ticket, his radio buzzed, "We are looking for two child molesters in a blue SUV. I repeat, we are looking for two child molesters, in a blue SUV."

The priests locked eyes for 10 seconds until one finally piped up, "We'll do it."

Did you hear about Paul Walker on the radio?

And the dashboard and pretty much the rest of the interior

What do you call good suggestions given over the radio?

Sound advice.

A radio host was taking a break during his podcast when he realized that someone stole his motorcycle from the station's parking lot.

The radio host took the mic and started yelling:

"To the people who stole my motorcycle this morning, you have 4 hours to bring it back to me or I'll do to you the same thing my dad did in 1999 when someone stole his car!"

Only 30 minutes had passed when 2 guys showed up to the radio s...

Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd

That would be stereotyping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting at home I heard on the radio there was a car travelling the wrong way down the road my Wife comes home on so I quickly phoned her to warn her..

'Honey please be careful, there's a car driving the wrong way on the road you come home on'

'One car? There's fucking hundreds of them!'

A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...

Suddenly the radio starts booming: “Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.”

The man, staring at the radio with a confused expression thinks to himself “One? There are hundreds of them!”

What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?

A Guackie-talkie

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”

And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

The handsome radio host

Had a call in contest and the first person to call would get anything they asked for within reason. The phones explode with callers and he answers the first caller. It's an old crippled woman who happens to be in a wheelchair. She said she never had a date in her whole life and would like a date wit...

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

A new conspiracy theory states Priness Diana was actually on the radio shortly after the supposed accident that killed her.

And the windshield, and the dashboard...

^^^^I ^^^^made ^^^^myself ^^^^sad

I'm 75 and someone assumed that I listen to AM radio...

How dare they stereotype me like that

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

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