UPJOKE
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my friend recently got a penis extension.

Now his house looks ridiculous.

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

What's the file extension of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer intro?

.rar

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My mate had builders in doing an extension...

and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.

At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of $2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money ...

Did you hear the joke about the extension ladder?

Is was just a regular ladder joke with extra steps.

14. Having your title be an extension of the post as well

Things I hate

1 Lists

2 Irony

4 Numbers being out of order

5 Skipping numbers

F Inconsistency

7 Repetition

7 Repetition

8 Speling wurdz rong

9 DLC

10 Replying to your own comment

Edit: 11 Edited posts

Buy the Reddit ...

A junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake

A junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake & said: "Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 minutes."

Boss (shouting): "Do you know who you are talking to?"

Junior: "No!"

Boss: "I'm the BOSS!"

Junior (in same tone): "Do you know who you are talking to?"...

Today I was given a box of Jamaican hair extensions....

It was dreadful

Did you know it's illegal for the president to use an extension cord?

That'd be an overreach of his power.

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I've found a cheap and easy way to get a penis extension.

It's called "a sexier girlfriend".

Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site

...until the mods wake up.

Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program.

When asked how much time they needed, they said, “10, 9, 8…”

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A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

A blind guy walks into a bar.

Then he walks into a table, a chair, a couple people as well. He forgot his extension cane at home.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Who has better friends?

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.

"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you c...

Rude on many levels

I was a receptionist at a hotel, and the phone started ringing. I could see by the screen that it was the extension for the elevator's phone. I picked it up, and a voice I recognize as a particularly rude and troublesome guest, immediately starts yelling: "What the (beep) do I press to get out of th...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

A husband and wife are out to dinner for their anniversary...

The husband raises his glass and toasts “To 50 wonderful years together. It may not have always been easy, but I have always loved you and been honest with you, and I hope you have always loved and been honest with me as well”

The wife replies, “Well, remember when we were first married and y...

I was putting up Christmas lights today.

I was putting up Christmas lights today.

I fell off a 32' extension ladder.





Good thing I was only on the first rung.

While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me this one some years ago. It is the worst joke I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortun...

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says ;

"make me one with everything."

^(If this doesn't work on its own, there is an extension:)

The vendor gives him a hot dog and the Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill. After a moment of waiting, the Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?" The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must com...

Score one for genetics

Good golf story: Dad hits one into a gully. He sees the ball about ten feet down. He goes to get his ball retrieval tool. I already have mine out and am sliding the extensions out. He puts his back in the bag and says, "yours is longer than mine."
Me: "Mom's side of the family."

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

Craft Beer

About six months ago, I joined the craft beer craze by setting up a back porch brewery, mixing my own corn mash and hops and water. It took me a few batches, by trial and error, but I finally got a good balance of bitterness, color, carbonation and “buzz.”

The stuff tasted pretty good, so I s...

Calvin had a mean teacher.

So when he missed a deadline for an assignment, Calvin begged for an extension.

The teacher said, “No, I’m giving you a zero, Calvin.”

Calvin replied, “You are absolutely cold.”

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