I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book...

She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really pissed at me now..

I asked my son to go get me a phone book.

He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

Asked my daughter to get me a phone book....

She just signed and said, "Yo Gen X, how about keeping up? Just use my iPhone!"

I shrugged, took her iPhone and totally wrecked it when I crushed the spider on the wall...

A professor gives an IT student, a law student and a medical student a phone book to memorize

The IT student creates a program that does it for him, the law student asks whether the assignment is legal and the medical student asks „When is it due?“

I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

Beat your kids with a phone book.

They won’t even know what hit them!

I just read through an old phone book to pass the time.

Lots of characters, but not much of a plot.

A woman in the maternity ward was paging through a phone book for hours

A nurse noticed this and asked if she needed some help finding a business.
The woman replied "Oh, no! I'm just looking for a name for my baby!"
The nurse explains "But we have books full of first names for babies and what they mean."
The woman says "No, I already have a first name for...

This criminal invaded my house and turned my phone book upside down without me realising.

Instead of the cops there's some angry guy with a pitchfork on my doorstep.

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.

She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

I wanted to share my novel based on the phone book over twitter

But it's got more than 140 characters

Why are there no Chinese names in the phone book?

Because there’s too many wings and too many wongs so you might wing the wong number.

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the ur...

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

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The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise

So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.

A blonde walks into the library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one who took our phone book."

Satan was severely depressed.

Fewer and fewer souls each new year were coming to hell and it was soon becoming quite empty. So Satan hired an analyst to find out what was going wrong. The analyst traveled all over hell, interviewed lesser demons, and surveyed the experiences of tortured souls, taking notes here and there. A week...

An elderly woman went into her back yard to garden one afternoon when she noticed a large gorilla in a tree...

In a state of panic she ran inside and opened up the phone book and went to G's. Sure enough, she found gorilla extraction.

When the extractor showed up, he went into the back yard and saw the gorilla, eyeing them both out of suspicion.

The extractor went back to his truck and pul...

A man wakes up to a gorilla being in his roof

A man wakes up to find a gorilla on his roof. The gorilla was up there dancing away having the time of his life. The man no idea how to get the gorilla down, so he got the phone book out and sure enough found gorilla remover, called and the guy said he could be there in 30 minutes. Like the man prom...

The Gorilla on the Roof

A woman keeps hearing loud thudding noises coming from her ceiling. She goes outside, looks up toward her roof, and sees a gorilla jumping up and down, banging on the roof. The woman goes back into her house, distraught about what to do. Deciding to look for help in the phone book, she opens the ...

A married couple is lying in bed at midnight....

...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. The husband picks it up.

"Hello? No, sorry, I think you've got the wrong number.... no, I think you meant to call the local Coast Guard station... yup, that's right... no, I couldn't tell you the number, I don'...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof.

After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla.
The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back.
He hands the rifle to Larry and says "So here's w...

Too Many Characters

A dumb college blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot what...

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Farting Honda

A sales rep for an American auto parts supplier was in Tokyo for an important meeting with the chairman of Toyota to close a huge deal. After he got to his hotel, he farted and strangely it sounded like his ass said "Honda". Puzzled, he forced out another fart and sure enough it came out "hooonda". ...

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A guy wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla in the tree outside his second-story bedroom window.

He panics and calls the first wild animal control company in the phone book, a discount one as it turns out. An old man shows up at his door a few minutes later holding a crate. He steps inside the house and unloads a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, an collapsible 10-foot pole and a small angry Chih...

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A man looks out of his window and sees a gorilla in the tree in his yard.

Not sure what to do next, he looks at the phone book, and thinks "maybe". So he flips to the G's in the yellow pages, and there it is. Gorilla removal service. So he calls the number and tells the man about his problem. The man says he will be right over. When the man arrives he steps out and takes ...

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A man awakens to find a gorilla in his tree...

So he looks in the phone book and finds the Gorilla Removal Service.

After waiting some time, a van pulls up. The removal technician climbs out carrying a stick, a shotgun and a Chihuahua.

He tells his client, "Okay how this works is I climb into the tree with the gorilla, poke him w...

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Scottish insults:

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

S...

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Joe's Tavern

A man comes home from the bar, drunk, late one night. Upon entering, he immediately explains to his wife what happened.

"You're never going to believe this, but I was just at a bar where you sit in lounge chairs, beautiful women serve you, and there are brass toilets!"

His wife, thinki...

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