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Librarian Jokes

What did the librarian say to the child?

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A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...
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Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.
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So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...
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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
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I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, "they're right behind you!"
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A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: "Book, book, book"

The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: "Book, book, book"

The frog replies: "Reddit, reddit, reddit"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on committing suicide

She responds "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?

She was crushed by a title wave.
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A man walks into a library and asks the librarian if there are any books on paranoia.

The librarian whispers back: “They’re right behind you”
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A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet".
I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"

What did the bookworm say to the librarian?

“Can I burrow this book, please?”
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Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.
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What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian?

A shush-kebab
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a horny librarian sort books?

They use the do me decimal system.

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man approaches a librarian in a library

He shouts at her, "EXCUSE ME MISS, CAN I HAVE A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER PLEASE?"

The librarian replies "Sir, please, this is a library."

He whispers back, "Oh, sorry. Excuse me Miss, can I have a fucking cheeseburger please?"

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
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How does a librarian organize their music collection?

They use the Dewey Decibel System
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In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out vinyl records too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”*
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A woman goes to the library and whispers to the librarian, "Where can I find a book about restarting your love life after having kids?"

The librarian points to an aisle and whispers back, "Non-Friction."
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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
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Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.
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A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...
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I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.

She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
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A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".

The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"
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New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.
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A man was arrested for punching a librarian today.

I hope they throw the book at him.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

I finally found where the librarian is storing the books on theoretical physics

In the Non-Friction section
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What does a librarian take fishing?

A good hook!


(Evidently the correct answer is book worm but I liked my answer better!)
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I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a librarian with a sore throat?

A hoarse whisperer.

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.
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It's hard to go on a date with a librarian

They're always booked
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What do you call a sunburned librarian?

Well red.
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A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"
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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Ask Any Librarian, What’s The Opposite of Capitalism?

lowercasism
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Did y’all hear of the computer virus coded by the librarian?

It was Dewey Decimalware
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I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"
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What is a librarian's favourite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird
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April 4th National School Librarian Day

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.
She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”
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Pros and cons of working as the prison librarian.

Pros: prose. Cons: cons.
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A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...
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What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess?

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.
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What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake
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I’m a librarian so I put out a display of invisible books on April Fools day.

But my patrons saw right through it.
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The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...
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I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"
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Here the one about the Liberian Librarian

Turns out she was alliterate
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Why are librarians excellent runners?

Because they are always bookin' it!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farmer visits his cousin, a librarian at Harvard.

The campus being as big as it is, he finds a random student and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, where's the library at?"

The student is visibly offended and says, "Sir, this is Harvard, we don't end sentences with prepositions!"

The farmer thinks for a bit and replies, "Oh, right. Where's th...

Efficient librarian

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on ‘War’.

Librarian denies and tells him ‘you will lose it.’
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a librarian like a sex addict?

Their favorite past time is between the covers.

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.
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A banker, librarian and a soldier get on a plane...

After a while the banker drops a typewriter from the plane: meanwhile a little boy is walking down the sidewalk, he finds a little girl crying. He asks her "Why are you crying?" "A typewriter hit my head!" she replies. The boy carries on with his day. A little later the librarian drops a book. The b...
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I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.
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A snake and a librarian in a library

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)
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You hear about the librarian who stole a whole bunch of dictionaries?

She got away with words.
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What does a librarian say when they hear a bad joke?

But, um Shhh!
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Where did the librarian keep all his fecal samples?

In the scatalogue.
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Did you hear about those new librarians that needed help restocking books?

They just weren't able to figure it out, them shelves.
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Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
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A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the desk and says "buk".

So the librarian gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks outside with the book and comes back 5 minutes later without the book.

"Buk, buk" says the chicken again, so the librarian gives it another book, it walks outside and returns with no book.

"Buk, buk" it says, and the same ...
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My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip
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I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction.

She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said..

"It's not coming up!"...

I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!
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A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."

The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the blonde librarian sleep with a famous musician?

She wanted a first edition of Moby's Dick.

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."
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I used to date a periodicals librarian…

…but we broke up because she had too many issues.
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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!
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A Librarian just got a new job.

On his first day someone asks him where a certain book is. He knows where it should be but can't find it there, in fact none of the books seem to be organized correctly. He goes to the head librarian who finds the book with ease.
He asks the head librarian why all the books are so disorganized....
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