What did the librarian say to the child?

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.

"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."

The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.

That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep...

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

I asked a librarian if they had a book about pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat...

They said it rang a bell, but wasn't sure if it was there or not

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

There was once a flight full of librarians.

It was booked.

What’s a librarians favorite thing to bring to a BBQ?

A shush kebab

What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake

A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: "Book, book, book"

The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: "Book, book, book"

The frog replies: "Reddit, reddit, reddit"

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the "self help" books.

She said "that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian says: “Fuck off. You won’t bring it back.”

Pros and cons of working as the prison librarian.

Pros: prose. Cons: cons.

"Have you got any books on turtles?", asked the boy to the librarian.

\-Hard back?
\-Yes, with little heads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

It's hard to go on a date with a librarian

They're always booked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to the librarian, "Hey bitch, have you got any books on immigration?"

"Get the fuck out of here!" she snapped.

"Yes, that's the one," I said.

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian told me to take it out or she would call the cops

A man from a primitive island walked into a library...

He asked the librarian how he could learn more about survival and rope making.


The librarian sat him down at one of the computers and told him, "Okay, open firefox."
With a confused glance, the man stood up and walked out of the library.
The librarian continued her shift until...

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess?

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

A blonde walked in to a library

-Hello! She said
Do you have any chicken sandwiches here?
The librarian answered: im sorry this is a library
The blonde then whispered *do you have any chicken sandwiches?*

A blonde walks into a library

A blonde walks into a library. She asks the librarian:

Can I get a chicken salad?

The librarian answers: sorry, this is a library

The blonde responds: Oh, right! (Whispering) Can I get a chicken salad?

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

A banker, librarian and a soldier get on a plane...

After a while the banker drops a typewriter from the plane: meanwhile a little boy is walking down the sidewalk, he finds a little girl crying. He asks her "Why are you crying?" "A typewriter hit my head!" she replies. The boy carries on with his day. A little later the librarian drops a book. The b...

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say

‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The ...

I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT OUT TO LIBRARIANS!

oh... sorry...

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...

What do you call a sunburned librarian?

Well red.

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

What happens after a cannibal has eaten a librarian?

Reader's Digest.

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

Read it

A rabbit went into a library, Hippy hop hippy hop in it went.

It went through the aisles and picked up a bunch of books and put them into its cart.

The rabbit went up front to check them out, the librarian thought it was a little odd but since it had a library card they checked them ou...

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

You hear about the librarian who stole a whole bunch of dictionaries?

She got away with words.

Did you hear about that librarian who bumped her head?

She had no one to blame but her shelf.

I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.

She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."

A man walked into the library and asked the librarian if the library had any books about Pavlov's dog and schrodinger's cat?

After thinking a moment the librarian responded," It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

I got fired from my job as a librarian.

For putting women's rights book in the fiction category.

A Librarian just got a new job.

On his first day someone asks him where a certain book is. He knows where it should be but can't find it there, in fact none of the books seem to be organized correctly. He goes to the head librarian who finds the book with ease.
He asks the head librarian why all the books are so disorganized....

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

A prisoner in North Korea goes to the prison library to borrow a book of an author activist

The librarian says, "We don't have his book, but we have him."

Efficient librarian

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on ‘War’.

Librarian denies and tells him ‘you will lose it.’

Where did the librarian keep all his fecal samples?

In the scatalogue.

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

What do librarians call breathalyzers?

The DUI decimal system

Four surgeons are talking...

Four surgeons are talking about their favorite types of patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says he prefers to operate on librarians, because when you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.

The second surgeon says he likes to operate on accountants, because everythin...

What did the trans-textual book say to the librarian?

"Did you just assume my genre?"

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss

\-Sssssssss

\-Sssssssssss

\-Ssssssssss

I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction.

She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said..

"It's not coming up!"...

I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farmer visits his cousin, a librarian at Harvard.

The campus being as big as it is, he finds a random student and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, where's the library at?"

The student is visibly offended and says, "Sir, this is Harvard, we don't end sentences with prepositions!"

The farmer thinks for a bit and replies, "Oh, right. Where's th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.



The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".



The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everythin...

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

Read this somewhere

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T.Eliot is toilet spelled backward?

Librarian: Get out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a librarian like a sex addict?

Their favorite past time is between the covers.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."

The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book...

I used to date a periodicals librarian…

…but we broke up because she had too many issues.

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