A woman walks up to a librarian and asks them where the books on paranoia are

They reply: “they’re right behind you”

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the "self help" books.

She said "that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it"

I asked a librarian for a book on Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's dog

She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not

What did the librarian tell her son?

**Read more**

A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: "Book, book, book"

The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: "Book, book, book"

The frog replies: "Reddit, reddit, reddit"

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

A man walks up to the librarian and asks....

"I heard of a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. Do you have that?"

The librarian answers, "It rings a bill but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

It's hard to go on a date with a librarian

They're always booked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to the librarian, "Hey bitch, have you got any books on immigration?"

"Get the fuck out of here!" she snapped.

"Yes, that's the one," I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide

The librarian says: “Fuck off. You won’t bring it back.”

"Have you got any books on turtles?", asked the boy to the librarian.

\-Hard back?
\-Yes, with little heads.

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

A banker, librarian and a soldier get on a plane...

After a while the banker drops a typewriter from the plane: meanwhile a little boy is walking down the sidewalk, he finds a little girl crying. He asks her "Why are you crying?" "A typewriter hit my head!" she replies. The boy carries on with his day. A little later the librarian drops a book. The b...

What, is a librarians favorite thing to grill during the summer?

A shhhhh-kabob

What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess?

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick was in the Guinness world records books

Until the librarian kicked me out

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

Man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Hey! Can I get a chicken sandwich?" The librarian admonishes him, "Sir! This is a library." He replies...

"Oh sorry, *^one ^chicken ^sandwich ^please!* "

What happens after a cannibal has eaten a librarian?

Reader's Digest.

Read this somewhere

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T.Eliot is toilet spelled backward?

Librarian: Get out

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.



The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".



The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everythin...

Four surgeons are talking...

Four surgeons are talking about their favorite types of patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says he prefers to operate on librarians, because when you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.

The second surgeon says he likes to operate on accountants, because everythin...

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...

I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT OUT TO LIBRARIANS!

oh... sorry...

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

I got fired from my job as a librarian.

For putting women's rights book in the fiction category.

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

You hear about the librarian who stole a whole bunch of dictionaries?

She got away with words.

Did you hear about that librarian who bumped her head?

She had no one to blame but her shelf.

What does a librarian say when they hear a bad joke?

But, um Shhh!

What do you call a sunburned librarian?

Well red.

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

A Librarian just got a new job.

On his first day someone asks him where a certain book is. He knows where it should be but can't find it there, in fact none of the books seem to be organized correctly. He goes to the head librarian who finds the book with ease.
He asks the head librarian why all the books are so disorganized....

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

A man walked into the library and asked the librarian if the library had any books about Pavlov's dog and schrodinger's cat?

After thinking a moment the librarian responded," It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.

She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."

Efficient librarian

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on ‘War’.

Librarian denies and tells him ‘you will lose it.’

What do librarians call breathalyzers?

The DUI decimal system

I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction.

She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said..

"It's not coming up!"...

I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for the Encyclopedia of Loud Noises.

The librarian responds: "Absolutely! Which volume would you like?"

A chicken walks into a library

It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three surgeons are arguing what type of person is the easiest to perform surgery to

The first one says:
"Well, it's obviously librarians, because all of their organs are filed down in alphabetical order, and nothing is ever out of place!"

The second one answers:
"I disagree, the best people to operate upon are engineers; Their organs are very strictly placed exactly ...

What did the trans-textual book say to the librarian?

"Did you just assume my genre?"

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss

\-Sssssssss

\-Sssssssssss

\-Ssssssssss

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farmer visits his cousin, a librarian at Harvard.

The campus being as big as it is, he finds a random student and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, where's the library at?"

The student is visibly offended and says, "Sir, this is Harvard, we don't end sentences with prepositions!"

The farmer thinks for a bit and replies, "Oh, right. Where's th...

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

Why did the librarian keep falling down?

Because she was in the non-friction section

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a librarian like a sex addict?

Their favorite past time is between the covers.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."

The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book...

Buk Buk..... Chicken !

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say,
‘Buk Buk BUK.’

The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘

The librari...

A blonde went to the library

Blonde: Hi, I would like to order a chicken salad.

Librarian: Excuse me, but this is a library.

Blonde: (lower her voice) I would like to order a chicken salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been a bookkeeper for the past 20 years ...

... and the librarian is *pissed*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy walks into a library

He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed

At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”

The librarian thinks for a second, then respon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."




The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.