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What did the librarian say to the child?

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A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.

She looked up and whispered, “They're right behind you.”

How does a librarian organize their music collection?

They use the Dewey Decibel System

A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

A man was arrested for punching a librarian today.

I hope they throw the book at him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out vinyl records too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”*

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide…

The librarian responds, “Fuck off! You won’t bring it back.”

I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure…

So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records once…

But unfortunately the librarian told me to take it out and go home

A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: "Book, book, book"

The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: "Book, book, book"

The frog replies: "Reddit, reddit, reddit"

A woman goes to the library and whispers to the librarian, "Where can I find a book about restarting your love life after having kids?"

The librarian points to an aisle and whispers back, "Non-Friction."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.

"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."

The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.

That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgeon Talk

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...



The first surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."



The second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is...

Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?

She was crushed by a title wave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a horny librarian sort books?

They use the do me decimal system.

Why do librarians hate tennis?

Too much racket.

What do you call a kebab made by a librarian?

A Shhhhhish-kebab.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Pavlov.

She said she’d have to check to be sure, but that the name rang a bell.

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb?

645.5

I finally found where the librarian is storing the books on theoretical physics

In the Non-Friction section

What does a librarian take fishing?

A good hook!


(Evidently the correct answer is book worm but I liked my answer better!)

drunk guy goes into a library

And says: GIMME A SMOKED COD N CHIPS!"
the librarian says "Sir this is a library!"
So the guy whispers: "sorry, gimme a smoked cod n chips"

I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese.

The librarian politely told him that he was in a library.

The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese?"

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

Ask Any Librarian, What’s The Opposite of Capitalism?

lowercasism

Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views?

Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a librarian with a sore throat?

A hoarse whisperer.

What do you call it when you bust a load on a librarian’s face?

Book-kake

April 4th National School Librarian Day

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.
She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”

A guy goes into a library abd asks the person at the desk, "can you show me where the self-help books are?"

The librarian says, "no."

It's hard to go on a date with a librarian

They're always booked

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

Did y’all hear of the computer virus coded by the librarian?

It was Dewey Decimalware

An old man walks into a library

He walks up to the librarian and says “Get me a scotch.”
The librarian says, “Sir this is a library, not a bar.”
“Oh I’m sorry.” the old man replies, and he leans in to whisper *Get me a scotch*

a man walks into a library

and says in a loud voice “can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

the librarian replies in a firm but quiet voice ‘Sir, you’re in a library’

the man whispers ‘Sorry, can i please order a piece of battered fish, 2 potato cakes and minimum chips”

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical p...

A man walks up to the librarian and asks....

"I heard of a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. Do you have that?"

The librarian answers, "It rings a bill but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT OUT TO LIBRARIANS!

oh... sorry...

There was once a flight full of librarians.

It was booked.

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

What do you call a sunburned librarian?

Well red.

I’m a librarian so I put out a display of invisible books on April Fools day.

But my patrons saw right through it.

Here the one about the Liberian Librarian

Turns out she was alliterate

I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

Pros and cons of working as the prison librarian.

Pros: prose. Cons: cons.

What’s a librarians favorite thing to bring to a BBQ?

A shush kebab

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...

A guy goes into the library...

He tells the librarian, "I'm looking for a book of jokes with disappointing punchlines."

The librarian shows him exactly what he's looking for.

I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.

She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and screamed, "I have a complaint."

The Librarian looked up at her and asked, "How can I help you?"

The blonde answers, "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible."

The Librarian in a puzzled tone, asks, "What was wrong with it?"

To that, the blonde replies, "It had way too many characters and there was no...

Efficient librarian

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on ‘War’.

Librarian denies and tells him ‘you will lose it.’

What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess?

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-girlfriend was a librarian

The last present I bought for her was a really loud stereo system. Not only did the bitch turn it down, she turned it down.

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

A man walked into the library and asked the librarian if the library had any books about Pavlov's dog and schrodinger's cat?

After thinking a moment the librarian responded," It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

I was told that I needed to read the room

So I am now a librarian.

The Library

This is one of my favorite jokes that NOBODY ever thinks is funny. It is funnier when spoken, but since I have no friends, Reddit will have to do.

Here it goes:

A guy walks into a library. He strolls up to the counter and looks at the librarian dead in the eyes and screams “MA’AM I’LL ...

A banker, librarian and a soldier get on a plane...

After a while the banker drops a typewriter from the plane: meanwhile a little boy is walking down the sidewalk, he finds a little girl crying. He asks her "Why are you crying?" "A typewriter hit my head!" she replies. The boy carries on with his day. A little later the librarian drops a book. The b...

My librarian wife is very good at planning our vacations

She knows how to book a trip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farmer visits his cousin, a librarian at Harvard.

The campus being as big as it is, he finds a random student and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, where's the library at?"

The student is visibly offended and says, "Sir, this is Harvard, we don't end sentences with prepositions!"

The farmer thinks for a bit and replies, "Oh, right. Where's th...

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

[Library] Me: I want to learn more about corals.

Librarian: You’ll find them under C.

Me: I already know where they live, sir. I wanna learn more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a librarian like a sex addict?

Their favorite past time is between the covers.

You hear about the librarian who stole a whole bunch of dictionaries?

She got away with words.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."

The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book...

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

A snake and a librarian in a library

\-Ssssssssss

\-Sssssssss

\-Sssssssssss

\-Ssssssssss

I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction.

She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said..

"It's not coming up!"...

I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

I used to date a periodicals librarian…

…but we broke up because she had too many issues.

Where did the librarian keep all his fecal samples?

In the scatalogue.

I looked at my thesis at the library

I noticed several pages were missing. So I asked the librarian "Hey, what's up here? There are several pages missing from my thesis!"

The librarian said "Well, your thesis got sick. So we had to perform an appendectomy on it."

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

A Librarian just got a new job.

On his first day someone asks him where a certain book is. He knows where it should be but can't find it there, in fact none of the books seem to be organized correctly. He goes to the head librarian who finds the book with ease.
He asks the head librarian why all the books are so disorganized....

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