What do cops use pepper spray for?

A salt!

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

You hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

Police are pepper spraying protesters at the Inauguration today.

I don't know if that is to hurt them, or just give them all Orange Face?

The young salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

When hiking near bears...

...you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings...

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time i had sex, i cried.

I don't know if it was because i was emotional or because of the pepper spray.

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...

A Horse walks into a bar.

He orders a drink and puts a can of pepper spray on top the bar.

The bartender proceeds to give him the drink and says “Why the strong mace?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctor the other day for a sexual problem.

It’s not what you’re probably thinking though.

My eyes and sometimes my entire face would burn during sex. Sometimes my eyes began watering uncontrollably, making me unable to see.

The doctor said it was probably the pepper spray but I’m seeking a second opinion.

A burglar is sneaking out of a house...

Waiting outside are two cops. One points a can of pepper spray at the criminal.

"FREEZE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL USE FORCE!"

The burglar nods, puts his hands up and stands still. After a few seconds, the cop steps forward and touches his arm. Suddenly looking confused and angry, the cop s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to cry during sex

but now pepper spray doesn't really effect me anymore.

My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references

My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references. She packed up her suitcase, and she walked out. As soon as she walked out of the door, I noticed that she had left her suitcase here. We live in a bad neighborhood, so she packed some pepper spray in it just in case. I quickl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor my Eyes

Doctor, my eyes tear up every time I have sex.

It's normal, that's just the pepper spray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For some reason I always cry during sex.

I'm starting to think it might be the pepper spray.

Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."

The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell ...

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

There's a protocol when it comes to bears [Long]

If you go camping, you should carry bells so not to startle a bear and be attacked, and pepper spray in case it does.

It would help to learn the scat of the bear, so you can avoid areas with dangerous species.

Brown and black bear's is small and dark.

Grizzly's is large, light i...

I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls.

Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.

I've been crying a lot recently

It's shocking how many girls carry pepper spray

Bear PSA

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers and campers in National Parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming f...

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

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[NSFW] A young muslim goes to a german doctor.

The young muslim says "Doctor, my eyes burn everytime I have sex."
The doctor replied: "That's normal, that's what happens when you get pepper sprayed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 black guys having sex with white women

2 Black guys are talking about sex.

"You know what, every time i have sex with a white woman, my nose is runny and my eyes are sore, do you know what that is?"

"What the hell, i have exactly the same problem, my eyes are sore and my nose is runny. But only with white women. You know wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beware of bears

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

Being in the recreation and natural resources field, I enjoy this every time I hear it

Due to the recent increase of encounters with grizzly and black bears in the area, all hikers should wear bells so you don't sneak up and startle nearby bears. Hikers should also carry pepper spray encase of an encounter. The two bears have different characteristics to their droppings and you can te...

I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman.

Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave and Dick walk into a bar

order beers and start complaining about not having girl friends.
Dave asks Dick "You ever notice after you have sex with a woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
Dick says, "Yeah, all the time."
Dave asked, "Why is that?"
Bartender says, "I'm pretty sur...

Was starting to get romantic with a woman last night

As usual I began crying uncontrollably. After getting home it took forever to wash the pepper spray off.

Safety brief: Bears

If you know you will be in an area where bears may be, it will be helpful to bring a couple of items with you.

First, attach little bells to your belt so that as you walk it makes noise. This will ensure that a bear will hear you from a distance and you will not startle it.

Second, car...

Darth Vader was inspecting his security teams weapons locker.

He asked the Chief of Security "Do your men carry pepper spray?" When the Chief replied "No, sir" Darth Vader force choked him and said "I find you lack of mace disturbing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do black people have red eyes after sexual intercourse?

Because of the pepper spray.

I don't know what to do with these pop-culture jokes now that they are considered to be "unfashionable"

Why is Justin Bieber's face always red after he talks to a woman?

The pepper spray usually hits him right between the eyes.
_________
What is red and orange and looks good on Justin Bieber?

Fire.
____________
Chris Brown takes a girl home from a nightclub.

She says,...

A naked man...

... was running outside and causing some pandemonium.

The police tried everything to get this man to stop: pepper spray, tazers, rubber bullets...nothing seemed to work.

With a big grin, one officer turned to the Chief and said, "I've got an idea...we spray him with Windex!"

Th...

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