Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would be too farty.

At the end of the day, we are all human beans.

And we will all rice up together.

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

Everybody says that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

But I've never paid $25 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

This is pretty tame for me, but i can see how it might offend some, hence the NSFW tag.

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

If you find beans in a beanery and cans in a cannery....

What do you find in a country?

becca: [fries beans]

**rebecca:** *[refries beans]*

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

What do two people who eat beans have in common with Ancient Egypt?

They “toot in common”

I saw a bean and a song sitting together at a bar.

I could tell the song was quite drunk and was really chatting up the bean.

The song said, “Hey there, bean. I *like* you beans because you’re the *musical* fruit. But I’ll tell you I cannot *stand* garbanzo beans. We songs wish to be *sung!* Those damn garbanzo beans only hummus.”

My buddy says he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl’s invited to his boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures s...

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

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How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

What do you get when you feed Goya beans to a Russian president?

A Tootin’ Putin.

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

Guy walks into the doctor's office...

A guy with green beans stuck in his ears goes to the doctor.

"Doc, ya gotta help me," he moans, "I feel terrible."

The doctor says, "Well I can tell just by looking at you, you're not eating right."

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

So I know it’s once, then twice, but what comes after thrice?

Th’beans

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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Beans

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass!! Muahahahhaha!

What do you call a bean who likes other beans?

A les-bean.

Mr Bean vs Einstein

Einstein challenges Mr Bean.
He says "If you can't answer my question you'll give me 1$ and if I can't answer yours i'll give you 1000$."
Mr Bean agrees. So Einstein gives him a really hard question where he doesn't know the answer to, so he gives Einstein 1$.
Now it was Mr Beans turn, s...

I know what happened before the Big Bang...

Chuck Norris ate a can of beans

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'

'And why is your son crying?'

'He wants his lunch back.'

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She said she was stripping to feed her kids.

Yet she got pissed at me when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.

Whats the favorite vegetable of cannibals?

Kid knee beans

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to run beans in my eyes

But that's the benefit of Heinz-sight

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