Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

As a new Dad, my dad joke senses are tingling. I made this joke (better when spoken). "Why did the 7 foot man take 2 cans of Garbanzo beans on the flight?"

Because he wanted more legume.

How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too farty

I've been told green beans are good for you

But how can they be better than the other jelly bean colors?

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

Everybody says that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

But I've never paid $25 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

This is pretty tame for me, but i can see how it might offend some, hence the NSFW tag.

At the end of the day, we are all human beans.

And we will all rice up together.

If you find beans in a beanery and cans in a cannery....

What do you find in a country?

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

becca: [fries beans]

**rebecca:** *[refries beans]*

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

My wife said she found a really good recipe for chili.

She told me that it only calls for 239 beans.

I asked her why such a precise number of beans.

She said because if it had one more it would be too farty.

I saw a bean and a song sitting together at a bar.

I could tell the song was quite drunk and was really chatting up the bean.

The song said, “Hey there, bean. I *like* you beans because you’re the *musical* fruit. But I’ll tell you I cannot *stand* garbanzo beans. We songs wish to be *sung!* Those damn garbanzo beans only hummus.”

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl’s invited to his boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures s...

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

What do you get when you feed Goya beans to a Russian president?

A Tootin’ Putin.

A teenage girl falls pregnant...

Her mother is shocked and asks who the father of the baby is.

"Ma, if you ate a bowl of beans. Would you know which one made you fart?"

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beans

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass!! Muahahahhaha!

Mr Bean vs Einstein

Einstein challenges Mr Bean.
He says "If you can't answer my question you'll give me 1$ and if I can't answer yours i'll give you 1000$."
Mr Bean agrees. So Einstein gives him a really hard question where he doesn't know the answer to, so he gives Einstein 1$.
Now it was Mr Beans turn, s...

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

Torture

The Gestapo bring in their best torturer, to break three important prisoners who won't spill the beans.

The torturer breaks the first guy in a couple of days.

The second one is harder to break, so the torturer watches him at night, to see what he's doing in his cell. He discovers tha...

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