Beans Jokes - 47 Hilarious Beans Jokes

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup?

One more would have made it two farty.

I used to love beans

Until I met Broccoli. Then I had a change of fart.

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the ...

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Female masturbation is like preparing coffee.

You can grind your beans by hand, but it's easier and faster to just use a machine.

I wanted to increase my fiber in my diet by eating beans

My plan is dramatically backfiring.

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A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island

The only thing on the island besides the three academics is a single can of beans. They are discussing how to get it open.

The physicist suggests that they build a fire and heat up the can until the pressure causes the can to explode.

The chemist says “No, no, the beans will fly eve...

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I ate nothing but beans for 48 hours

I now think I have Ass Purgers syndrome.

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

I went to an agricultural university and I specialized in growing beans.

Someday, I hope to start a wind farm.

A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss.

However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.

I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable....

.....up until he decided to give peas a chance.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Irish bean soup

(Read in an Irish accent for effect)

An Irish mam and her wee lad were sitting in the kitchen as she taught him to make her famous Irish bean soup.

"Now son," she explained, "what really makes a bean soup is how many beans you use. More is better, but you must remember: never, NEVER p...

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

What do you call Muhammed Ali after he eats a lot of beans?

Gaseous Clay

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Beans

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass!! Muahahahhaha!

What’s 120 pinto beans plus 120 kidney beans?

Two-farty

I've been told green beans are good for you

But how can they be better than the other jelly bean colors?

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

Why do green beans meditate?

To find inner peas!

What do you call a bean who likes other beans?

A les-bean.

Did you ever hear the one about the foster kid who became a genetic engineer specializing in hybrid beans?

He’s still looking for his biological fava.

Green beans

Did you know that if you say "GULLIBLE" really slowly, it sounds like "GREEN BEANS"??

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

Everybody says that garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing.

But I've never paid $25 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

This is pretty tame for me, but i can see how it might offend some, hence the NSFW tag.

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A Prostitute visits the Doctor.

Prostitute: Doc I think that I am pregnant.

Doctor: Do you know who the father is?

Prostitute: Replies "Oh! For fuck's sake, if you ate a can of beans,

would you know which one made you fart?"

What is the deal with Egyptian pharaohs and people that eat beans?

I hear they have a Tutankhamon

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Mr Bean vs Einstein

Einstein challenges Mr Bean.
He says "If you can't answer my question you'll give me 1$ and if I can't answer yours i'll give you 1000$."
Mr Bean agrees. So Einstein gives him a really hard question where he doesn't know the answer to, so he gives Einstein 1$.
Now it was Mr Beans turn, s...

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

Beans!

A group of beans were traveling around France...

They ended up in Cannes.

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

People have had enough of me eating beans and drinking Chinese tea without explaining why I'm doing so

"This has been happening for far too long" they said.

"This has been happening for fart oolong", I replied.

What kinda beans cannibals eat?

Kidney beans

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

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A young man goes to dinner at the GF's house for the first time after having had beans for lunch.

As they're sitting around the table, the father asks, while petting the family dog Rufus, what the young man's intentions are for his daughter. The young man starts to reply that his intentions are honorable and that he intends to be respectful, but he realizes that he's got a fart building, so he's...

Why have all the baked beans move to Queensland?

Because they like to live in Cairns

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

How do you punish your coffee beans?

You ground it.

I used to can beans for a living,

In Heinz sight it wasn't a bad job.

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