Glaze Jokes

420°, glaze it.

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy ... read more

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl... read more

The guy responds, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

“I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking”

The man gets annoyed and says, “Well Officer, I notice your eyes are glazed over, have you been eating donuts?”

He says to the worker:


"Why isn't my donut glazed?!


The worker respond:


"Look sir, i'm not going to sugar coat it."

If you get pulled over and the cop says "Your eyes look glazed over” It is not wise to say "like your donuts?"

It called glazed and confused.

Wife: "You been at the donut shop, again."

Husband: "How did you know?!"

Wife: "You have a glazed look in your eyes."

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand... read more

Now I have glaze all over my balls.

The "world's funniest joke" is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes. Purposes of the research included discovering t... read more

I’ll call it glazed and confused

I was driving home from the bar and of course Sirens were wailing and showing red and blue.

I pulled over and the officer showed up to my window and shined a light in my eyes.

“Sir you have been swerving and your eyes are red have you been drinking”

“Well, your eyes are glazed h... read more

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned ... read more

A cop pulls over a guy. “Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?” “Gee, officer,” the man says, “Your eyes are awfully glazed-have you been eating doughnuts?”

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o... read more

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It

Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ... read more

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai... read more

A few months later after coming home from a night out with his friends and with his buddy in tow, he arrived home to find his house on fire.

He immediately rushed inside took the deepest breath he could and inhaled all of the smoke, and all of the flames.

His now bewildered friend aske... read more

One Hunter suddenly falls down. Their chest doesn't rise and fall and their eyes are glazed over. His friend, panicking, calls 9-1-1. He says "Help! I think my friend is dead, he doesn't appear to be breathing!' . The operator says;"okay, calm down. First, you have to make sure he's dead." The hunte... read more

On an uncommonly hot day, when the car lost power and steam starting rolling out from under the hood. He called a local garage who sent a tow-truck to retrieve him.

Knowing he’d want to get on the road before dark he asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic replies, "Not sure, I’ll have to ... read more

Our story is set out in a wooded hunting reserve. Two men, carrying a backpack and gun each, trekked out into the forest in search of game.
After an hour or two in the forest, one of the hunters keels over and collapses on the ground. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other h... read more

i'll call it 'glazed and confused'.

He said "You had 'glazed' all over your face. "

Two men are hiking in a forest when suddenly, the other man falls down. "Oh my God!", his friend exclaims. He quickly dials 911. He gets connected to an operater. "This is 911, what is your emergency?" "Me and my buddy were hiking and he suddenly fell down! His eyes are glazed and he isn't moving!" ... read more

Two Mexicans, Juan and José were walking in the desert on a very hot day. It was a long journey and they were both dehydrated.

Suddenly José became quite animated and shouted: 'Juan, Juan look! On the hill over there, it is a bacon tree!'

Sceptically Juan had a look, and said: 'José, y... read more