My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down

Do you think it's stumped?

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

Did you guys hear about the man whose left side was chopped

They say he is alright now

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

I cried as the man chopped up Onions

Onions was a good dog

A chopped up person needs help getting put back together.

I'd help, if only I could remember.

What’s the difference between chopped beef, and pea soup?

Anyone can chop beef, but no one can pea soup!

Raddah Raddah raddaah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one is a long one I'm warning you,

I made this one myself

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a re...

The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

Gotta take the local brothel to court. They said their employees would do *anything* for a hundred each, so I hired the whole joint.

Not a single log got chopped up, despite clear instructions.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

A man contracted a rare STD...

He finally went to the hospital to get his manhood examined.

He nervously took off his pants, "Doctor, what is wrong with me? It's been getting more and more painful down there."

After close examination, the doctor said in a grim voice, "I'm afraid we have to perform surgery to have ...

“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

Lost in translation

This joke is for anyone who has ever spent any time in Nigeria...

The lady of the house is having a dinner party and tells the steward (kitchen helper) “I’m going out shopping. Please chop all these vegetables for me by the time I get back.”

She gets back later that afternoon to find t...

Many trees that get chopped down don't die

They *log* out

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

My girlfriend, Susan, and I decided to kill ourselves at the same time..

She went through with it and I didn't. I had to get rid of the body. So I chopped her up and shoved her in a shipping box and took her to the post office. When the postman asked what it was, I said:

it's a Sue inside, packed..

Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of?

He'd been unarmed and defeated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

What’s the difference between an Anime villain and a steak?

You know when ones been chopped in half

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender notices the pirate has a peg leg.

Bartender: Wow! What happened to your leg?

Pirate: We was in a fight on the high seas and there ‘‘twas a cannonball shot into it. They had to amputate me leg.

The bartender then notices a hook on one of his arms.

Bartender: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a couple of British boys whose butts are chopped off?

A pair of assless chaps

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