“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

I cried when my dad chopped up onions...

Onions was a good dog :(

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of?

He'd been unarmed and defeated

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!

Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'

Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'

Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts ...

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

One Halloween long ago, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a boy went out with his friends...

The boy, of course, did a bit more tricking than treating on that night. As he returned home after a long night of mischievous activities, he was confronted by his father.

"Were you out tipping outhouses? Because our outhouse got tipped over earlier this night," his father said.

"Of co...

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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.

&#x200B;

He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.

&#x200B;

The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:

&#x200B;

"Young man,...

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

I like my women like I like my marijuana...

Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

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The Most Painful Part

5 boys were playing football. 4 of them notices that the other one wasn't very good, so they asked him,

"Why are you not good at sport? Boys are meant to be really sporty"
The boy answered,

"Well I am really a girl but I had a sex change"

The first boy asked her,
"What was...

Three Saudis and three Turks are travelling by train...

Three Saudis and three Turks are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the Turks each buy one ticket and watch as the Saudis buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Turks. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Saudis. T...

You've heard Moore's law and Boyle's law but have you heard of Cole's law?

It's chopped cabbage. Thanks for the correction

An airplane from the foreign legion is on its way to Afghanistan.

On board the sergeant tells his men, I will pay $200 for a pair of ears and even $500 for a head with beard... the men cheer and applaud him.. a little bit later the plane lands and the soldiers walk off one after the other..A few hours later the men come back with bags filled with ears and chopped...

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A king who was a fan of archery held a grand archery contest for the citizens of his kingdom, with a prize of 1000 gold pieces

After a month of competition, the victor emerged, an archer so well trained that he could hit a fly from 50 m away.

A king approached the winner and said: "You are indeed the greatest archer I have witnessed in my life and that is truly admirable. It was decided that the prize for this conte...

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Once upon a time, there was a kingdom.

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom. In that kingdom the princess was the most beautiful, but her father the King was obsessed with maintaining her virginity. So he had a device put in her vagina which would lop off anything put inside. He then called his 3 most loyal knights before him.

Ki...

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A dad and his daughter went to a nudist beach

Once there the daughter is surprised when she sees his dick and asks "Daddy, what's that?"
A bit taken back by the question he answers, "oh, that's just a swan nesting on it's two eggs".

Happy with that explanation the kid starts playing at the beach while the father lays in the sun.
...

A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood


The son chopped wood


The father built the family home


The son helped expand it


The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family


The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs


The father and son did ...

A farmer buys a combine harvester

He's accidentally chops his finger off one day, inspecting a blade.

So the wife bags the finger up and takes him to the hospital. The doctor looks at it and performs micro surgery which re-attaches it like brand new.

Some weeks later the farmer somehow gets his leg chopped off. Panicki...

A little collection of children's unintentional quick wittyness.

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is.

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria.
____________________________
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : Yo...

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The King and the Four Criminals

Once upon a time, there were four criminals on trial and they were all presented in front of the King.

King: "I shall forgive you of all your sins, you only need to do a task for me. Bring me 10 pieces of a fruit of your choosing. Don't bother escaping, for I will have you escorted by my ...

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A King was going to war

A King was going to war but was worried about his beautiful Queen who was horny all the time.

Days prior to the war, he summoned the Royal Inventor and told him to design a chastity belt that will chop off any penis that got near her royal parts.

The Royal Inventor succeeded and the ...

The Farmer and the Outhouse

One night, a farmer's outhouse is knocked over.

In the morning, the farmer approaches his son and asks, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse last night?"

"No Dad, I didn't."

"Son ... let me tell you a story. When George Washington was a little boy, he chopped down his father's...

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Three men on a Cannibal Island

Three people were stranded on a canable island. And the Cannibal king stands before the three, and says " I'll give you a chance to spare yourselves from becoming the next main course. Go find ten pieces of fruit, bring them to me, and I'll explain the next test."

So, the three set off to fin...

What is a serial killer's favourite muesli topping?

Chopped dates!!

(first joke I've ever come up with)

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

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The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

A king goes to war

A king had to go away on the crusades, but his wife was so beautiful that he wasn't sure he could trust his eleven young male servants. So he went to a blacksmith and asked him for the strongest chastity belt in the place. The man brought out a strong belt with a hole in the center. The king was ske...

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My friend is a car collector. [original]

My friend is a car collector. He has a huge garage full of beautiful cars from all around the world.
He invited me round to see the collection so it was a weekend afternoon I went over.
Some were preserved in their original condition but some have been modified by their owners.

The firs...

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Banking Crisis in Japan

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Meanwhile, sha...

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A backpacker is in the Scottish Highlands, when he comes upon a bar in a seaside village.

He decides to go into the bar. There is one other person there, an old, burly man.

"Yer see this bar here? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped the finest wood in the county, with the finest nails, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No."

*points out the window*
...

What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite fruit?

Chopped Dates

My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w...

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The scotish hill traveler and the bartender

A traveler, while hiking the scottish hills, stumbles upon a bar and walks in. He sits down and orders a drink, the bartender starts:"You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped every tree, nailed every nail, gave it more love and care than my own son! But do they call me Gregor t...

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3 guys and a witch....

In a small village there is a long standing rumour that the nearby woods was inhabited by a witch, several missing people and some strange smoke from a seemingly abandoned hut had fuel the rumours for years.
One day three local men decided enough was enough and made way to the woods for a few day...

[NSFW] The best joke ever told to me by a priest.

On the day of the Crucifixion, Jesus was on the Cross, surrounded by a ring of legionaires, while his follows stood just outside the range of their spears. Among them is Simon Peter, Rock of the Church. Faintly on the wind, Simon Peter hears his Master's voice. "Peter, Peter..." heedless of the dang...

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So there's this guy sitting in a pub in the Scottish countryside

And the bartender turns to him and says;
"Thiss pub, I built with me own two hands. I got the wood for I, and put it together by me-self, but do they call me Angus the pub builder? No"
The man looks at the bartender in confusion, who starts speaking again
"You see that stone wall over there...

A cop pulls over a 90 year old woman...

He exits his car and walks up to the old woman's window.

"Do you realize how fast you were going?"

"No." She answers, looking forward, making no eye contact.

"Twice the speed limit! Ma'am, can I see your license and registration?"

"I can't give you my license," she answ...

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Mario

A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks,

"What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."

"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar w...

What do the European Union and the European Onion have in common?

They both make people cry when they're chopped up.

A blonde had just started a job felling trees for a local contractor

When the day was over the contractor visited to see she'd only chopped down one tree. The contractor asked the blonde what was wrong.
"This saws no good boss, I worked all day but could only do one tree."
"Let me take a look"
Says the contractor as he starts up the chainsaw.
The blonde ...

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This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and order...

A chef if having trouble killing a turtle...

It's a high class establishment along the campaign trail, and the Trump posse has just entered the restaurant, with Trump demanding turtle soup.

The chef, a consummate professional, starts working on the food. But this time, the turtle is not cooperating. Every time he goes to grab its head, ...

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A police officer in Alabama finds...

...a black man with his arms and legs chopped off. He reports "the worst case of suicide he's ever seen."

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Three men were out fishing in the ocean

Then this huge storm come and sweeps them way offshore. After a few days stranded, they spot an island and start paddling towards it with their hands. They get on the island thinking it's uninhabited but quickly find that it is inhabited by cannabils. They couldn't outrun the cannibals (who were ful...

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Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!

They are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.

The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.

The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.

The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "...

Happy secret of a 30 years marriage spouse

-There is a spouse marrying for 30 years but they never have any fight.
-The journalist come to interview their secret: How can you do this, what is your secret?
-The husband replied: When my wife came home in the first day, the dog looked at her and barked, she calmly said: "first time". Few...

i was cutting boards at work...

i was cutting boards at work, as i went to bring my saw down to do a cut a rabbit jumped right on the cutting table and got cut right in half, my boss ran over and said "you just chopped that rabbit in half" and i said "no i cut it in half" to which he responded "now you are just splitting hairs

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Cave Excavation

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:

1. a woman
2. a donkey
3. a shovel
4. a fish
5. a Star of David

They decided that this...

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A sailor walks into a bar

He orders a drink and notices there's a mean, weather beaten pirate next to him at the bar. The pirate has a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch. After a few drinks the sailor gets the courage to ask the pirate how he lost his leg.

The pirate tells him, "We were in the midst of a raging storm,...

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Cinderella is now nearly 70 years old

After having a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat called Gizmo for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are yo...

The most trustworthy knight

A king is about to set out on a journey far away from his home, and must leave his wife behind, but is worried about her faithfulness. He asks the local blacksmith to create a chastity belt that will keep his wife faithful, and so the blacksmith gets to work right away. The blacksmith brings the kin...

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A Scotsman's Legacy

A young man is backpacking through Scotland and decides to stop in a little pub out in the middle of nowhere. There are only two other people in the bar, the bartender and an old man sitting at the counter nursing a beer. He take a seat at a stool a couple down from the old man and orders a pint. ...

The Silent Knight

So everybody know about King Arthur and the knights of the round table, but not everybody has heard about the Silent Knight of the round table. Here is a tale to tell:

A couple years after the round table was established the King went on another campaign. But there is a problem: he has a be...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

A man is about to be killed...

A man is about to be killed and is brought to the town square.
The mayor of the town asks the man if he would like to be burned at the steak or have his head chopped off. The man replies that be would prefer to be burned. The mayor has seen many people killed and most select having their heads cu...

Ole & Sven

Ole and Sven are looking for work. They go to the employment agency to see what there is to do. Ole went in first, and says he's a wood chopper. He comes out and tell Sven they might as well move along, because there is no work here. Sven says we already came here, what's the harm in having a look? ...

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What's the difference between jelly and jam?

Jelly is made by filtering out the fruit pulp after the initial heating, whereas jam contains the small pieces of chopped up fruit.

I'm tired of seeing "I can't jelly my dick up your butt", so I wanted to give the correct answer.

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Local joke that i absolutely love [ Malaysia ]

The president of United State, Bin Laden and President of Malaysia are all on a plane getting back from a meeting overseas.

All of a sudden, the plane malfunctions and it crashes onto an island, miraculously, only the 3 of them survived and the whole crew died.

Soon, the 3 of them were...

I like my women like I like my carrots...

Chopped up, in a plastic bag at the back of the freezer.

There are two lunatics in a mental asylum...

So, there's two lunatics in a lunatic asylum and they're both due to have assessments to be released. They decide to make a pact that the first person who goes in to see the doctor will tell the other one the answers to the questions.

So the first one goes in to see the doctor and the doctor ...

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Famous quotes...

One Friday morning, a teacher telss her students, "I'm gonna give you a famous quote, and whoever can tell me who is famous for the quote can take the rest of the day off...first quote: 'If I want to be the father of my country, I cannot tell a lie...I chopped down the cherry tree'."

Little S...