Chopped Jokes - 27 Hilarious Chopped Jokes

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

Chuck Norris chopped an onion

The onion cried.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

I cried when my dad chopped onions.

I loved Onions , he was a good dog.

What did the pine say to the oak when both were being chopped down for lumber?

Life is such a beech.

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off

Oh no I’ve been defeeted

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

I went to the vet to get the tails of both my dogs chopped off…

My mother in law is coming to town and I wanted her to know nobody was happy to see her.

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

A chopped up person needs help getting put back together.

I'd help, if only I could remember.

Many trees that get chopped down don't die

They *log* out

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

Someone chopped off the top quarter of my tree.

REE

This one time, I cried, when my dad chopped up Onions.

I loved Onions, she was such a nice, sweet, little puppy

I was chopping a tree for firewood

As I chopped the tree I asked it some difficult questions but it never answered.

It was stumped.

The local ice cream man was just found dead, covered in sprinkles, raspberry sauce and chopped nuts

Turns out he topped himself

Did you hear about that guy who had the entire left half of his body chopped off?

He's dead now.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a couple of British boys whose butts are chopped off?

A pair of assless chaps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

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