Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

What's the difference between a drone and an aircraft with 283 passengers on board?

You don't start a war when an aircraft with 283 passengers is shot down.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

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It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

So a plane is crashing with 4 passengers one is a pilot, a priest, a high schooler with a backpack, and a blonde. One tiny problem is there’s only 3 parachutes.

First the pilot jumps out, then the blonde. The priest turns to the high schooler and told him he had a wonderful life and had no regrets, please take the last parachute. The high schooler took one and pulled out another chute, the priest says by the lord how did you get a fourth? The high schooler ...

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?

- "The good one".

- We're going for 14 Oscars!

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

Why didn't the trains at the station leave after the passengers boarded?

If they wanted to leave, they would have gone to the leavetion.

​

I apologize, it's a terrible joke. But I made it up on the spot and it caused my daughter to snort the bean sprout she was eating into her nose.

When I hit the brakes hard, my passengers looked excited..

The were on the edge of their seats.

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

Three passengers are trapped with only two parachutes aboard a plane with a failing engine

They were Donald Trump, an old man, and a schoolgirl.

Donald Trump grabs a pack, saying; "Look, losers- I am the most intelligent, smartest president ever, okay? I have so many words, the best words- and anyway, you (pointing at the old man) look Mexican, and you, (pointing at the schoolgirl)...

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

An airplane was about to crash.

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said "I am Bill Gates, owner and developer of Microsoft. The World needs me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elect...

A police officer was attending a car crash where the driver and passengers had been killed.

As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the bushes and jumped around the crashed cars.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked ...

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted "HIJACK"

All of the passengers were scared. Then from the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back "HIJOHN"

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The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation ...

A tourist bus crashes and all the passengers die.

The crowd of recently deceased is gathered at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says: "OK. I want you to form three lines. One for the women, one for the men who were always bossed around by their wives, and the last for men who were the boss of their household."

People shuffle around...

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Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

 

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams,...

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An aircraft bound for Florida with two hundred and forty passengers on board ran into some engine problem....

The plane was sure to crash so the pilot alerted all the crew members about this sad state of affairs and told them all to get hold of a parachute each and jump off the plane.


A young steward asked the captain, “What about the passengers, sir?”


“Fuck the passengers!” the captai...

A ship with 66 passengers sets off, however during the sail it flips over, there are no survivors but how many people died?

99

Three men were passengers on an airplane

The first one opens the door as the plane is flying high over the ground and jumps out with his parachute, but not before throwing a knife out the door first. He screams on his way down “I’m doing this for my country!”

The second man, not to be outdone by the first, throws a loaded pistol out...

A plane loses power at 22,000ft, and all the passengers start to freak out. A woman yells "I can't die like this, will no man here come and make me feel like a woman?"

A man gets off his seat, rips off his shirt and says "Here




Iron this"

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

A train conductor is making an announcement to his passengers...

“Thank you for riding Amtrak today and I hope you’re having a great trip so far. In the unlikely event of an emergency, please follow the stewards and stewardesses who will be walking up and down the aisles... if they’re running then you should probably run too.”

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blind pilots

Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...

Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their ...

[Long] A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas

A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas. Suddenly, a giant mountain appears. It does not seem like that the plane is able to fly over the mountain.

The pilot says: "Dear passengers, please stay calm. Due to exceeding our weight limit, our plane is not flying at our desired altitude....

An airplane takes off, and suddenly one of the passengers grabs his chest

The passenger grunts and moans in pain, as he starts to shake violently and falls to the floor. One of the flight attendants rushes to him and screams:

"HELP! He is having a heart attack or a seizure! Is there a doctor on plane?! He is going to die!"

People look around, looking for so...

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said t...

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the tr...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow

Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.

Cop: *Excuse me ma'am, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?*

Driver: *Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.*

Cop: *...

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A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your fligh...

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