Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!

Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when!

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

What's the difference between a drone and an aircraft with 283 passengers on board?

You don't start a war when an aircraft with 283 passengers is shot down.

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

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It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

So a plane is crashing with 4 passengers one is a pilot, a priest, a high schooler with a backpack, and a blonde. One tiny problem is there’s only 3 parachutes.

First the pilot jumps out, then the blonde. The priest turns to the high schooler and told him he had a wonderful life and had no regrets, please take the last parachute. The high schooler took one and pulled out another chute, the priest says by the lord how did you get a fourth? The high schooler ...

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?

- "The good one".

- We're going for 14 Oscars!

Why didn't the trains at the station leave after the passengers boarded?

If they wanted to leave, they would have gone to the leavetion.



I apologize, it's a terrible joke. But I made it up on the spot and it caused my daughter to snort the bean sprout she was eating into her nose.

Three passengers are trapped with only two parachutes aboard a plane with a failing engine

They were Donald Trump, an old man, and a schoolgirl.

Donald Trump grabs a pack, saying; "Look, losers- I am the most intelligent, smartest president ever, okay? I have so many words, the best words- and anyway, you (pointing at the old man) look Mexican, and you, (pointing at the schoolgirl)...

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US president and I am ...

When I hit the brakes hard, my passengers looked excited..

The were on the edge of their seats.

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted "HIJACK"

All of the passengers were scared. Then from the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back "HIJOHN"

A police officer was attending a car crash where the driver and passengers had been killed.

As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the bushes and jumped around the crashed cars.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked ...

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The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation ...

The pilot and the co-pilot come back to let the passengers know that the plane is running out of fuel

They immediately put on their parachutes and jump out of the plane. That leaves a preacher, a boy scout, Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, and Donald Trump on the plane. It is immediately evident that there are four passengers and only three parachutes left.

Sarah Sanders immediately grabs a parachute ...

A tourist bus crashes and all the passengers die.

The crowd of recently deceased is gathered at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says: "OK. I want you to form three lines. One for the women, one for the men who were always bossed around by their wives, and the last for men who were the boss of their household."

People shuffle around...

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

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Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

 

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams,...

Three men were passengers on an airplane

The first one opens the door as the plane is flying high over the ground and jumps out with his parachute, but not before throwing a knife out the door first. He screams on his way down “I’m doing this for my country!”

The second man, not to be outdone by the first, throws a loaded pistol out...

A ship with 66 passengers sets off, however during the sail it flips over, there are no survivors but how many people died?

99

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A pilot says to the passengers....Good afternoon. We will be flying at 30k feet and we will be arriving in Atlanta in 1 hour and 15 minutes.

He forgets to turn off the mic and turns to his copilot and says........I think I will go take a shit and then fuck one of the stewardess. When the stewardess starts running to the cockpit, an old lady stops her and says......What are you running for honey? He said he had to take a shit first.

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

A train conductor is making an announcement to his passengers...

“Thank you for riding Amtrak today and I hope you’re having a great trip so far. In the unlikely event of an emergency, please follow the stewards and stewardesses who will be walking up and down the aisles... if they’re running then you should probably run too.”

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Two blind pilots

Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...

Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their ...

[Long] A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas

A passenger plane is flying through the Himalayas. Suddenly, a giant mountain appears. It does not seem like that the plane is able to fly over the mountain.

The pilot says: "Dear passengers, please stay calm. Due to exceeding our weight limit, our plane is not flying at our desired altitude....

An airplane takes off, and suddenly one of the passengers grabs his chest

The passenger grunts and moans in pain, as he starts to shake violently and falls to the floor. One of the flight attendants rushes to him and screams:

"HELP! He is having a heart attack or a seizure! Is there a doctor on plane?! He is going to die!"

People look around, looking for so...

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said t...

Cop pulls over a car for driving too slow

Cop walks up to the car & sees an elderly woman behind the wheel.

Cop: *Excuse me ma'am, can you tell me why you were driving so slow on the highway?*

Driver: *Officer, I was only going the speed limit. There was a sign back a half mile that said the it was 14mph.*

Cop: *...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your fligh...

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