I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a guy leaving Las Vegas and needed a taxi ride to the airport..

There was a line of taxis outside the casino, waiting for customers. Unfortunately for the man he lost all of his money gambling. He approached the first taxi, he asked the fella for a ride and promised him to pay him $5,000 the next time he visited Vegas (since he usually wins big when he is there)...

Paddy was at the airport and was stopped by customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,

He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could

I br...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men at an airport

First man says, "I can't find my wife."

Second man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

First man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?"

Second man says, "Fuck her, we'll look for yours."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled.

Imagine all the people.

I have this unusual medical condition where I can’t stop making silly airport puns.

The doctor says it’s terminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

I got arrested at the airport.

Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport

Husband: "We should have taken the fridge with us"




Wife: "In the name of God, why?"




Husband: "Our tickets are on it"

A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport

“Nationality?”
“Russian.”
“Occupation?”
“No, I’m just visiting”

A vulture is walking down the jetway at the airport.

He has two dead badgers, one under each wing. The stewardess stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."

A woman is waiting for her husband to get back from his business trip when she flips on the news and sees that a man is driving the wrong way on the airport highway.

She quickly calls her husband to tell him to “Be careful driving home, there’s an idiot driving the wrong way”

He says “One idiot? They’re all driving the wrong way!”

Airport trouble

An airplane lands at an airport with great difficulty, stopping, just short of an accident. When they arrive at the gate, the captain wipes his brow and says,"My God that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
"You're not kidding" says his co-pilot, looking out of the window "but it sure is wi...

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A taxi driver was waiting outside the airport

A taxi driver was waiting outside the airport late at night. Three men, heavily drunk, boarded the taxi.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"Airrrporrttt", one of then replied.

The taxi driver was confused, but decided to take advantage of the situation. He turned the key to start th...

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

A Photon and an Ion went to the airport

A photon and an ion went to the airport. When they got there, the other
passengers were surprised to see the ion handed his ticket without
paying, and the photon get waved through security. "What gives?" an
irate passenger asked. "Why does the photon get to go through
security?" "Oh," sa...

A blonde takes a taxi to the airport

While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time. He says:

“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”

The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”

The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically,...

My friend went to the doctor and he told him he was turning into an airport

The doctor said it was terminal

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“

“It was 1959“, says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at h...

What type of illness do passengers going through La Guardia airport get?

‘Terminal’ illness

The Pope was driving to the airport one day...

They got there super early. The pope decided he wanted to kill some time with his favorite hobby from before he became pope: driving. So he switched seats with his driver and off he went.

It had been years since he had driven a car, so he was flying down the highway. Soon a cop saw him doing...

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman stops at an airport in England...

An Irishman stops at an airport in England. While he's waiting for his flight to arrive, he decides to make a quick stop at the airport bar.

As it's late at night, there's only the bartender and two other people there. Always willing to make a new friend, he sits down with the two and starts ...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get i...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"*No*" replied the Irishman "*I've lost all me luggage!*"

"*How'd that happen?*"

"*The cork fell out!*" ...

An American tourist lands at Baghdad Interational Airport

The airport security asks him a series of questions.

Security: "Name?"

Tourist: "Andrew"

Security: "Residency"

Tourist: "Idaho"

Security: "Occupation?"

Tourist: "No No, just visiting"

A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing.

"Return ticket to Death Valley please."
"Pleasure trip?"
"Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing."
"LOL, very good! Ok, here you go. Are you checking the rabbit?"
"No, this is carrion."

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

When at the airport, if you get asked "Anything to declare?"

It's not the best response to say "A Thumb War".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day at a busy airport...

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The p...

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

A vulture goes to the airport...

and walks up to the check-in counter. The receptionist asks “Do you have any bags to check?” He replies, “No, just cari-on!”

Do you still believe that there's no Illuminati presence at the Amsterdam airport?

Wake up, Schiphol!

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus were waiting at the airport for their flight.

Brutus: Hey Caesar, what's our boarding gate?
Caesar: A2, Brutus.

Brutus: When's the departure time for the flight?
Caesar: 8:02, Brutus.

Brutus: Are you hungry? Can we get some sandwiches?
Caesar: Ate two, Brutus.

Brutus: What size of paper are we transporting? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If assholes could fly...

Reddit would be an international airport.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an airport and says "cluck cluck bacawk"

...and the woman says "no sir, this is the *check*-in desk"

me: [arriving at airport in england having to pee] excuse me can you help me...

I need to use...

*[checks british slang notes]*

the one hundred?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A picket to Tittsburgh

A guy travels out to visit a friend of his in Pittsburgh who is going through some hard times. His friend picks him up at the airport.

"How was the flight?"

"The flight was fine but I embarrassed myself when I bought my ticket."

"Oh? What happened?"

"The woman at the coun...

An airport police visits the duty-free store

The police steals a glass of wine.
“You are relieved of your duty!”, says another police.
The police replies, “It’s ok, I’m already duty-free!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her,

“So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“Not even for coffee??”

So i was in the queue at the airport and the lady at check-in said "There is a four hour delay" I asked "Why's that?" "The pilot heard a funny noise from the engine..

And it will take us four hours to find a pilot who can't hear it" she said...

A businessman arrives in Boston and hails a cab at the airport.

Being a great lover of fish and hoping to try out a local speciality for dinner, he says to the driver, "Say, could you tell me please, where's the best place in town to get scrod?"

The cabbie says, "Well, sir, I must get asked that question ten thousand times a year, but never before in the ...

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

A bumblebee rushes to the airport, running late for his flight

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip. He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose and unstraighte...

A Chinese man came to India

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy t...

The Pope gets off a plane at JFK international airport...

He tells the limo to get in the back
“Why?” The limo driver replies.
“Because I’m the f#&$’n Pope” Said the Pope.
Next thing you know the limo’s going down the Brooklyn Bridge doin like 30 over the limit.
Cop pulls him over.
Pope rolls down the window
“Water you whining about” ...

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A man is in a VIP airport lounge en route to Seattle.

He is meeting with a very important client who is also flying to Seattle but she is running a bit late. While waiting, he notices Bill Gates sitting in a chair enjoying a cognac. Being a forward type of a guy, the man approaches Bill Gates and introduces himself. He explains to Gates that he is cond...

Do U want Super Bowl Tickets?? Read below.

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED... A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2021 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid 11,500 each. It comes with ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner and 400.00 bar tab. Also a back stage pass to the winners locker room. He didn't realize last year when he bought them, i...

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

Was thinking of changing my name to airport...

That way, there’s always a road named after me.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I don’t like people who take drugs…

For example, airport security.

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

Confucius say...

...naked man running through revolving door at airport very likely going to Bangkok.

An unidentified aircraft gets intercepted by the French Air Force

The French Air Force calls the aircraft- "AIRCRAFT 20 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND IMMEDIATELY"

No response.

They call again-
"AIRCRAFT 22 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND NOW OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO SH...

A photon tries to go through airport security fast, but is stopped. "Don't you have any luggage" asks the security agent.

The photon replies. "No I'm travelling light".

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today.

Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbi in NYC gets into a taxi and politely asks the driver to Midtown. Suddenly a man with a redneck with Swastika barges into the cab, slams the door and orders the driver to the airport. Furious the cab driver gets out, pulls the redneck out of the cab and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.

Meanwhile, the Rabbi is screaming Stop! Stop! Unfrazzled, the cab driver continues to beat the shit out of the redneck. A good 5 minutes goes on, the driver beating the redneck and the Rabbi pleading to stop. Finally the cab driver gets back into his taxi and asks the Rabbi "What's wrong with you? D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My trip to Japan

I went to Japan as a little boy. I was like 10 but it was a blast for me and others. First memory was from the airport when a fat man cut us off in the line to the airplane, but he got dropped off the flight as he didn't have his ticket, or maybe he lost his passport... I am splitting atoms anyway s...

Your mommas so fat.....

She got arrested at the airport for 10 pounds of crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

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A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dog...

Where did Miami International Airport go?

It went MIA

I was in an airport

A woman was taking my temperature because of the coronavirus

I was 1.8 meters and she was 1.5 meters, so I got down in knee just for her to take my temperature , and everyone started clapping


They thought that I was proposing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

It is impossible to play hide and seek in an airport

You’re always hiding in plane sight

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,

as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!

*David Beckham* gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.

He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.

After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, “Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says “I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times f...

A Tik-Tok user who shot videos in the airport was taken to the hospital today..

He was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Two Ryanair pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Two Ryanair pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Murphy says: “BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.”

Seamus replies: “Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!”

The Popes at the airport,

The popemobile broke down so he hails a taxi,

He demands the driver get him to the cathedral
in 10 minutes or less,

The driver says its impossible, the pope offers to drive,

The taxi driver considers the offer and eventually agrees and hops in the back seat,

The pope ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

I drank a lot of alcohol on the airport last night.

I now have a terminal hangover.

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the departure lounge at Heathrow Airport when a tourist said to me - "You know what? This England country has to be the asshole of Europe"...

I said "I take it you're passing through".

At the Airport check-in...

Airline staff: I’m sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn’t allot you guys nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife’s is 42D

Husband: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service?

Did you hear about the guy who fell down the stairs at the airport?

Damn near missed the whole flight

"Why is it important for engineers and architects to get along?"

I was asked this by an engineer I was driving to a conference center from the airport.

"I don't know, why?"

"Well, you see, if all the buildings in the World were built only by architects, they would all collapse under their own weight."

This elicited some chuckles from his coll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

A man was moving to another country and needed to find a new home for his 15 pet monkeys.

He saw a man driving down the road with a big van and so he shouted after him,

"I'll give you €50 to bring these monkeys to the zoo for me"

The man with the van agreed and left with the monkeys in his van.

A couple of hours go by and while he is on his way to the airport, he see...

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

Problem at the airport

Mr and Mrs Smith were going on holiday to Spain. As usual there was lots of traffic on the motorway, and they only just got to the airport on time. They parked the car, got out their suitcases, and took the bus to the terminal. At last they reached the check-in desk.

As they got there, Mr...

Me in airport: What do we want??

People: AIRPLANE NOISES!

Me: When do we want them???

People: NYOW

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

finding out you have corona virus at an airport must suck.

Its a terminal illness.

I file a lawsuit against the airport because I lost my bag in there.

Let’s just say that I lost the case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw luggage on sale in the airport terminal and I thought...

How big of a hurry must you be in to say, "Fuck it, just grab some shit and let's go. We'll pack at the airport" ?

“Dad, what’s the quickest way to get to the airport?”

Dad: Terminal velocity.

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

Why did the frog cross the airport runway?

To get out of the no fly zone.

I've read about an airport infra-red camera that detected breast cancer.

I guess we can't stress enough the importance of mass surveillance.

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

I saw a man at the airport with a bulletproof vest

I reminded him it’s an airport not a school

Airport Security yelled at me today

Said I was in plane sight

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