UPJOKE
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A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?”
...

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control

And yet cases continue to rise

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At the airport...

Passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assured them that the pilots would be there soon.
Finally, two men dressed in pilot uniforms walked up the aisle. Both wore dark glasses, one was using a seeing-e...

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

I was at the airport today and saw a man collapse on the luggage carousel.

He slowly came around.

Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that ne...

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Two men at an airport

First man says, "I can't find my wife."

Second man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

First man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?"

Second man says, "Fuck her, we'll look for yours."

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

An old woman was arrested at the airport today on drug smuggling charges

Customs officials searched her underwear and found a kilo of crack.

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 

He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

I tried suing the airport because they lost my luggage

My lawyer keeps saying I’ve already lost my case

What do you call an unruly, unreasonable passenger at Las Vegas International Airport?

A McKaren.

A woman was nervously waiting at the airport for her husband to return from his skydiving lesson.

The pilot approached her: "I'm sorry, but there's been an accident. I have some bad news, some good news, some more bad news, and some more good news.

The bad news is your husband fell out of the plane.
The good news is he had his parachute on.
The bad news is he hit the ground befo...

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

A man goes to to the counter of an airport

And said 'I'd like this bag to go to Maui and this one to Tuscan and this one to Tulsa' and the person behind the counter said 'Oh, sir, we cannot possibly do that' and he said 'Why not? You did it last week.'

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

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Freudian slip

A guy is talking to his buddy.
\-I made a total fool of myself today. I was talking to a very well endowed young woman at the airport and I said: "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh." She was embarrassed and so was I.
His buddy replies:
\-Yeah, it's called a Freudian slip. I had one...

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishma...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

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A priest is in a hurry...

He runs from his home and hails a cab. When he gets in he tells the taxi driver "I'm in a huge hurry, if I don't get to the airport in 20 minutes I will miss my flight!"

"No problem" Says the taxi driver and then he floors it. He drives like a maniac through the city, dogging in and out of tr...

I don't like people who take drugs

For example, airport security.

Instead of going to the dentist, I go to the airport

That way, I never have to pay for cavity searches.

Why is it windy at the Airport?

Because it is where all the air ports.

George Bush the Younger noticed a man in a long flowing white robe in an airport lobby

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George bush the Younger approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling. Bush the younger positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Mos...

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

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A man arrives in New York’s airport and hails a taxi.

He tells the driver where he wants to go, hops in and they drive away.

After a few miles, the man realizes that the driver missed a turn, so he reaches forward and taps the guy on the shoulder to get his attention.

There’s an ear splitting yelp. The taxi driver floors the gas and th...

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

I don't understand why the police train up bomb dogs to work at the airport

They're all colourblind and always cut the wrong wire

All flights to John Lennon Airport have been cancelled

Imagine all the people...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

What do you call a baby who just got his diaper changed inside an airport?

Duty Free

A bad day at the dentist is better than a bad day at the airport.

Because a search for cavities sure beats a cavity search.

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighborhood, and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favorite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at ...

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A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

Travel Guru

As a travel guru I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you ha...

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I lost my wife at the airport.

Whilst looking for her, I bumped into this guy who had also lost his wife somewhere in the airport.

I thought best course of action is to look for both wives together, so I asked him what his wife looks like so I can keep an eye out.

He said "She's 21, tanned skin, 5ft 8", with lon...

Paddy was at the airport going through Customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,

He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could

I br...

How did the airport die?

From terminal cancer.

A guy goes into the airport...

...to check in for his flight to Amarillo.

When it comes time to check his bags, he says, "OK, I want this one to go to San Diego, this other one to go to Boston, and this third one to go to Miami."

"Sir," says the check-in officer, "I'm afraid we can't do that!"

"Why not? You d...

Putin lands with airplane in kiev airport

The immigration officer looks at his passport and asks:

Occupation?

Putin says:

No, this time just visit

A old British man is waiting to get in to the Hamburg airport and his fumbling to get his passport when the custom agent says” God sir have you ever been to Hamburg before”

The man says “yes it was the 40s it was dark we didn’t land”

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witn...

I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler.

He lost my case.

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At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact b...

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends ...

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Talking Dog Act

The sign says “World Famous Talking Dog Act”, and the people gather around, interested, but skeptical.
The man brings out his dog, a yellow Labrador Retriever, and starts the show.
“Heya, Skippy, these people want to hear you talk, tell them how you flight into the airport was yesterday.”
...

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

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An arab was wrongfully taken into custody at the airport..

After feeling humiliated by the incident he decided to hire a lawyer to sue the TSA

The lawyer tells him “I’m sorry this happened to you. Ever since 9/11, your people have been forced to live in fear. This needs to stop! Now tell me exactly what happened?”

The arab goes on to explain h...

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

A photon went on holiday.

When checking in at the airport...

Check In agent. "Do you have any luggage sir?"

Photon. "No, I'm travelling light"

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

A prudish mother visits her adult daughter

Her daughter was living in an apartment with a young man, and she did not approve of her living situation. The daughter picked up the mother from the airport, and brought her home. The mother carefully looked around the house. Two bedrooms, one clearly the daughter's, and one clearly belonging to...

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

Confucius say…..

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

Sophie asks a taxi driver:

"How much does it cost to take me to the airport?"

\- 250 bucks

"What if we take my husband too?"

\- Same 250 bucks.

Sophie turns to her Husband:

"Haven’t I told you, you are actually worthless."

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her,

“So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“Not even for coffee??”

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

A guy walks up to the ticket counter at an airport. He ask to buy a round trip ticket. The agent asks “to where?”

He says “to here!”

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Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas.

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day h...

Et tu brutus

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport.

Brutus: “Which is our boarding gate Caesar?”
Caesar: “A-2 Brutus”

Brutus: “And what time is the flight Caesar?”
Caesar: “8:02 Brutus”

Brutus: “By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?”
Caesar: “Ate two Br...

What do you call an in action at the airport?

A terminal disease

I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

2 Fleas

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon...

History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought....

Fokker.

Why can’t you smoke at airports?

Cause it gives you terminal cancer.

Airport Check-in : Non stop 10 hr flight

The attendant was apologetic to the husband, "I’m sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 14A and your wife’s is 42H

Husband: Do I have to pay anything extra for this?

Airport trouble

An airplane lands at an airport with great difficulty, stopping, just short of an accident. When they arrive at the gate, the captain wipes his brow and says,"My God that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
"You're not kidding" says his co-pilot, looking out of the window "but it sure is wi...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

Jewish mother goes to the airport

to meet her daughter, who was returning from a summer abroad. The daughter gets off the plane hand-in-hand with a 7' tall Zulu warrior, with a bone through his hair and nose.

The mother yells at her "I said a *rich* doctor!"

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One day at a busy airport

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is ...

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A man walks into an airport and says "cluck cluck bacawk"

...and the woman says "no sir, this is the *check*-in desk"

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An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport

During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?”

He answered, “No, just visiting”

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Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like *'can't wait!' 'can't wait!'* and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year...

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“

“It was 1959“, says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at h...

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Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approac...

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Dont Mess With Customer Service Agents...

Customer Service


A crowded United Airlines flight from Denver Airport was cancelled.

A single female agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers when an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the desk and said, “I have to b...

At the airport check-in counter

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this ...

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A flea is getting some sun on Miami beach...

...when another flea comes along. The second flea is freezing cold, shivering. He explains, "I'm from Vermont. I caught a ride in the mustache of a guy, who came down by motorcycle. I froze my tiny flea balls off the whole way. Even in this sun I am chilled to the bone."

The first flea replie...

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa...

Usain Bolt lands at an airport

his plane lands 10 minutes later.

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Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

A Photon and an Ion went to the airport

A photon and an ion went to the airport. When they got there, the other
passengers were surprised to see the ion handed his ticket without
paying, and the photon get waved through security. "What gives?" an
irate passenger asked. "Why does the photon get to go through
security?" "Oh," sa...

A woman is waiting for her husband to get back from his business trip when she flips on the news and sees that a man is driving the wrong way on the airport highway.

She quickly calls her husband to tell him to “Be careful driving home, there’s an idiot driving the wrong way”

He says “One idiot? They’re all driving the wrong way!”

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

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A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

A blonde takes a taxi to the airport

While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time. He says:

“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”

The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”

The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically,...

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Guy goes to the bar at the airport before his plane departs when a beautiful young woman sits at the bar beside him..

She is wearing a uniform and he reckons she's obviously an air steward.. He nods at her and says the Qantas slogan "you're the reason we fly" and winks at her.. She ignores him ... "hmm, not Qantas" he thinks, so he tries "Fly the friendly skies"? .. no reaction "OK, it's not United Airlines either"...

A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport

Husband: "We should have taken the fridge with us"




Wife: "In the name of God, why?"




Husband: "Our tickets are on it"

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

A vulture is walking down the jetway at the airport.

He has two dead badgers, one under each wing. The stewardess stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing.

"Return ticket to Death Valley please."
"Pleasure trip?"
"Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing."
"LOL, very good! Ok, here you go. Are you checking the rabbit?"
"No, this is carrion."

The Pope was driving to the airport one day...

They got there super early. The pope decided he wanted to kill some time with his favorite hobby from before he became pope: driving. So he switched seats with his driver and off he went.

It had been years since he had driven a car, so he was flying down the highway. Soon a cop saw him doing...

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport

“Nationality?”
“Russian.”
“Occupation?”
“No, I’m just visiting”

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today.

Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

The Popes at the airport,

The popemobile broke down so he hails a taxi,

He demands the driver get him to the cathedral
in 10 minutes or less,

The driver says its impossible, the pope offers to drive,

The taxi driver considers the offer and eventually agrees and hops in the back seat,

The pope ...

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A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

A penguin walks into an airport...

A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

I forgot about Dre

I was supposed to pick him up at the airport.

A businessman arrives in Boston and hails a cab at the airport.

Being a great lover of fish and hoping to try out a local speciality for dinner, he says to the driver, "Say, could you tell me please, where's the best place in town to get scrod?"

The cabbie says, "Well, sir, I must get asked that question ten thousand times a year, but never before in the ...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

So i was in the queue at the airport and the lady at check-in said "There is a four hour delay" I asked "Why's that?" "The pilot heard a funny noise from the engine..

And it will take us four hours to find a pilot who can't hear it" she said...

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