A man picks up a hitchhiker on the side of the road

The hitchhiker says, " I'm surprised you picked me up. I could've been a serial killer."

The driver responded, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical."

Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks! how do you know i’m not a serial killer though? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

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A man is hitchhiking with his dog...

...and a gentleman in a car stops to pick him up, and says, "Sorry, I didn't see the dog, and I really don't want it in the car."

The hitchhiker replies, "He doesn't have to ride in the car, he can run really fast."

After insisting several times the dog can keep up the driver finally...

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?

Hop in

How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb?

Well certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar.

I picked up this hitchhiker on the state highway.

He seemed like a nice guy. After a few hours, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer.

I replied with "I don't know man, the odds of two serial killers being in the same car is highly unlikely"

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A trucker picks up a hitchhiker...

They drive down the road a ways making light conversation. After a few miles...

Trucker: hey you wanna see something cool?

Hitchhiker: yeah okay

The trucker whistles and a monkey leaps out of the back and into the trucker's shoulder

Hitchhiker: oh my God is that a real mo...

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A profession golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker.

He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"

"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"

I saw a hitchhiker with a sign that read ‘Heaven.’

So I ran him over.

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A native american hitchhiker was picked up by a slick

city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the indian noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents. The city man replied: "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife".

The Indian looked forward at the road, nodded his head ...

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.


Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.


But once his pants were around his ankles, she pu...

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

The Evil Hitchhiker?

So "I" was driving (it's told from the first person) - saw a hitchhicker. It was dark and raining and he looked a little rough, but I picked him up anyway..

After he climbs in and we pull back out onto the highway, he turns to me and, with a wry grin and a glint in his eye, says "How do y...

What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common?

They are both in an advanced state of D composition.

The Hitchhiker.

A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the man in, offering him a ride home.

The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eyeing the...

I took a hitchhiker.

After some time, he asked me:
"Do you take hitchhikers often?"
I nodded my head.
Then he asked: "Aren't you afraid, that one of them will be a serial killer?"
"No, I am not afraid," I answered, "There's only a very small probability, that two serial killers meet in one car."

One of my black friends told me this, and I didn't know if I should laugh: What do you call a black hitchhiker?

Stranded

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day...

After he got all of his stuff in the trunk, he hopped in, and we started our journey.

He told me : I’m so glad someone finally stopped to pick me up. But aren’t you scared that I might be a serial killer?

I replied : To be honest, the odds of having two serial killers in the same car a...

They are going to start taxing hitchhikers.

They are calling it a ThumbTax.

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A guy pulls over to pick up this smoking hot hitchhiker..

...when some dude jumps out of the woods, puts a gun to his head & yells: "Start jerking off!" He does.

"Jerk off again!" He does.

"Once more!" He does.

Thank you sir. Can you please give my beautiful sister here a ride into town? "

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A hitchhiker gets picked up by a trucker with a bullfrog on his dashboard.

The hitchhiker guy stares at the bullfrog for a while, fascinated by the animal, while the truck driver just grins. After a while, the truck driver decides to show him what's what. He pulls over by the side of the road.

"Watch this!"

He takes the bullfrog by the legs and SLAMS its head...

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So This Hitchhiker is walking down the Highway.....

He has long dark hair, a big parka, a giant backpack, and a hat on. As each car approaches he sticks out his thumb. Eventually a semi truck pulls over and says, “do you need a lift?” The hitchhiker says, “yes thank you” and gets in the truck. They drive a mile down the road in complete silence. Even...

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Hitchhiker

So I picked up a hitchhiker today, pulled over and asked where he was headed and it was in the same direction I was going so I told him to hop in. Now this man had a bag and was acting kinda weird so I asked him politely what was in his bag. He turned to me and with a dead stare said “None of your f...

Two old friends meet on the street one day who haven’t seen each other in years...

“Tony! Is that you?”

“Hal! You look terrific! What’s your secret?”

“I hit a hitchhiker late at night three years ago when I was drunk and fled the scene, leaving him for dead.”

“Um... I meant for looking so young.”

When someone asks if anyone has recommended Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to me

Reddit already.

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

A man was driving across country, when suddenly he saw a hitchhiker.

He picked her up and while they were driving the two of them got talking.
"What do you do?", asked the man.
"I'm a witch", said the hitchhiker.
"One of those, spells, potions and turn people into frogs kind of witches?"
"That's the one".
"Oh yeah? Can you show me?"
She started stro...

What do you call a black hitchhiker?

Stranded.

A Mercedes picks up a Hungarian hitchhiker...

This being Hungary, the hitchhiker isn't used to seeing Mercedes on the road, and asks what [that thing on the front of the car](http://www.automotive-stock-images.com/photos/hood-ornament-1928-mercedes-benz-680s.jpg) is. The driver, somewhat amused, jokes:

"Why, that's the car's sights. Like...

A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road

An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"

I've never picked up a hitchhiker

but not for lack of trying.

Hitchhiking

*Ted stopped on the side of the road after seeing a hitchhiker.*

* **Hitchhiker:** Hello there. Is the city far?
* **Ted:** No.
* **Hitchhiker:** May I get in your car?
* **Ted:** Yes.

*After a couple of hours of driving in silence...*

* **Hitchhiker:** Is the city far?...

What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

A woman is driving late at night on a back road when she suddenly sees a hitchhiker wave her over...

The woman stops and let's the man in.

The hitchhiker says, "Wow! I'm really surprised you stopped for me! I could be a serial killer for all you know."

The woman giggles and says, "Nah, I figured you were probably an alright guy. After all, what are the chances of two serial killers en...

The Native American Hitchhiker

A man is driving home from work one night when he sees an Indian Chief hitchhiking.
Feeling sorry for the old man, he pulls over to pick him up.
The Native says nothing for a good five minutes. He then, noticing a bottle of Jack Daniel’s on the passenger floor, grunts “mmmm, good whiskey”....

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Both of my parents have brown eyes, so I wasn't too surprised when my girlfriend asked me where I got my blue eyes from.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think they belong to the hitchhiker chained in the basement.

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Worst day ever

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and t...

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[NSFW]a truck full of chickens and a parrot

A truck driver is driving a truck full of chickens. He has a pet parrot who is with him in the front part of the truck.
After some driving a female hitchhiker tries to stop the truck. The truck driver asks her: "Will you sleep with me?" She answers: "No." He replies: "Get out."
After a whi...

Sam, 80, went to the cafe

when he saw his old friend Marty, 82, with a bandage on his head and two black eyes. "Goodness Marty", he exclaimed, "what happened to you?"
"Well", said Marty, "I was driving down route 4 and I saw this hitchhiker. Nice looking fellow, obviously a working guy, even had one of those mechanics uni...

A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.

After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last mo...

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him.

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night ...

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A man is on the side of the road hitchhiking

Two truckers stop and pick him up.
They're driving along and the trucker driving farts. It's completely silent. Then the trucker sitting next to him farts, and it makes no sound at all. The hitchhiker farts, and it's loud enough to shake the whole cab.

Both the truckers turn and yell "vi...

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Jesus is bored in heaven and decides to take a vacation to Earth

He thinks hitchhiking could be fun, so he disguises himself as an average looking American and flies down from heaven onto a highway in Nebraska. He sticks his thumb out and after a little while, an 18-wheeler pulls over to offer a ride. He climbs in the cab, tells the driver he's headed west and ...

Some people are dog people, some are cat people. I'm a people person.

Just ask the hitchhikers I keep in the kennel out back.

A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"

The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."

A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", an...

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No fuck no ride

So this lonely trucker is on a long haul with his parrot when he comes across a sexy hitchhiker so he pulls over and says to the girl hey how ya doing? Need a ride? She smiles and says yes to which he asks wanna fuck? She replies hell no so he tells her no fuck no ride. The parrot goes off screechi...

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The Haunted Car

The hour is late, the streetlights have gone out, and it isn't the safest part of town on the best of nights. Jim the hitchhiker wants nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible.

Suddenly, a pair of headlights appears through the misty gloom, and begin approaching him, silently...

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A joke to tell your friends.

Hey guys, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, or the right format, but I've got an amazing joke for you all that will almost definitely draw everyone you are with in, as long as they do not know it is a joke.

Firstly, you need to turn the conversation towards hitchhiking,...

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A County Sheriff is driving down a desolate highway, through the woods in Georgia.

He sees a man, completely naked, tied up to a pine tree - arms completely around it, bent down on his knees, with his ass facing the road. The Sheriff pulls over - removes a balled up sock out of the guy's mouth, and asks him what happened.

The guy says, "I picked up a hitchhiker in town 20 ...

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A longhaul trucker with a trailer full of chickens is driving to Chicago...

A long haul trucker with a trailer full chickens is driving to Chicago with a parrot on the dashboard. As he's driving, he sees a woman at the side of the road with her thumb out. He pulls over to the side, and the woman gets in.

Trucker: Do you have money?

Woman: No.

Truck: Su...

A young man drives to his friend with a new Porsche

The friend is surprised and wants to know how he got the cool car.

He replies: "So I was taken by a woman as a hitchhiker. Suddenly she stops at a rest area, pulls her panties down, wags it in front of my nose and tells me that I can now have everything I want from her. Said , done. And here ...

Levels of stress.

1) You pick up a hitchhiker, A beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car. You take her to the hospital.

-Stressful

2) But hospital says she is pregnant and you are going to be a father. You swiftly say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are!!

-Ver...

A guy’s driving down the highway one day...

...when he sees a hitchhiker ahead. There’s hardly any traffic on the highway, and he figures that the poor guy will never get a ride, so he decides to help him out. After about 5 miles, the hitchhiker pulls a gun, and tells the driver that he won’t get hurt as long as he follows orders and doesn’t ...

Policeman stops car on highway...

Only to see dog behind the wheel with man sitting next to him.
"You can't just let your dog drive your car!" says policeman
"I can't really say anything sir, I'm just an hitchhiker"

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