UPJOKE
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Airline Jokes

What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

Did you hear about the airline stewardess who accidentally backed into a propeller?

Disaster!

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

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A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday...

Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built.

Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I...

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An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss!...

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

Which airline has the smelliest plains?

Incontinental Airlines

A man approaches an airline ticket desk …

… and as he books his flight, asks the attendant if one of his 3 pieces of luggage could be sent to Paris, another to London, and the third to Cairo.

That’s impossible, I’m afraid sir, the attendant replied. We can’t send your luggage to 3 different cities.

Man says, we’ll you did last...

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*edit: thank you for the gold benevolent stranger. :-)*

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

New Boeing airliner

Some travelers were concerned with the latest plane, with larger windows, but no shades on them; one lady was concerned that the lavatories now had windows, but was worried that someone on the outside would be able to see in. The stewardess told her: 'Madam; if some pervert is hanging onto the side...

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

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Flying Southwest Airlines

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked , ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The mother, who could...

Airline stewardess: Would you like some headphones?

Passenger: Yes, of course I would! How did you know my name was phones?

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An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the a...

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

How do recognize an airline pilot in the room?

ohh, he will tell you.

What's the deal with airline food?

It's so plane.

I hate jokes about airline crashes

They're just plane awful.

The airline wouldn’t let me take my dead deer on the plane with me.

They said my carrion was too large.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

I sued Delta Airlines for misplacing my luggage

But I lost my case.

What kind of car do you drive before you hijack an airline?

A DB Mini Cooper

A news headline reads: “Airliner crashes. No survivors expected…

Brazilian citizens among the dead”. I read it to my friend, and they exclaim: “OMG, how many is a Brazilian?!”.

Delta Airlines is changing their name

To Omicron

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?“

“It was 1959“, says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at h...

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, thi...

Did you hear about the new airline pilot contract? You will only have to work on Tuesday!

‘some guy in the back raises his hand’

“Every Tuesday?”

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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- “All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.”

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and...

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

A passenger was travelling on holiday on a budget airline.

“Would you like dinner?” the cabin crew asked.

“What are my choices?”

“Yes or no.”

I just figured out why airlines are having staffing issues.

The whole crew keeps taking off!

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

American Airlines

I'm like the American Airlines of dating, we understand you had other options of relationships and we're sorry you chose us.

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

I am looking for a name for my airline exclusively for bald people

How about "Receding Airlines"?

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Airline Restroom

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room was nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using...

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

Did you guys hear Djokovic started an airline for the unvaccinated?

It's called Novaks Airlines.

Have you ever noticed that all airline Captains have the same last name?

Every public address they make beings with: “Welcome, this is your Captain Speaking...”

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines?

One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

Rushing up to the Southwest Airlines ticket counter…

a man gasped, “Ma’am, please help me. I have to get to Los Angeles in the worst way!” The clerk calmly pointed to her right and said, “Sir, that would be Frontier.”

The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said "Window or Aisle" ?

I replied "Window or you'll what ?"

Last time I flew Malaysia Airlines, I didn't shower first.

I figured I could just wash up on the shore.

"I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time."

Said the Malaysian shark.

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”

I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

Major airlines are cancelling flights as staff call in sick.

If I was in charge, none of their excuses would fly.

I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.

The judge threw it out because we had no case

I haven't seen my friend since he started working for Finland's national airline

He disappeared into Finnair.

Airline passenger safety brief

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from above. If you're traveling with a child, please fit their mask first. If you have more than 1 child with you, please pick your favorite now.

United Airlines Boeing 777-200 Engine #2

Edit: Well this blew up.

(Thankful for no injuries)

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

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An airline pilot was talking to his copilot...

... and he did not realize his arm was pressing the intercom button.

"God am I hungover, you know what I could use right now? A coffee and a blowjob."

A flight attendant in the midsection started running to the cockpit to make the pilot aware of his error.

A passenger yells afte...

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[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

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Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

Airline Prices

Airline prices are getting out of control, soon they will start charging for emotional baggage. "Where did he touch you as a kid? that will be an extra $50."

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Cringe Airlines

What happens when you combine Fox News, CNN, and a Fleshlight.

You get a plane

The right wing, the left wing, and the cockpit.

Airline oneliners

not enough seating, prepare for a beating

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From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of ca...

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If airlines sold paint (from Car Talk)

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's t...

What’s the deal with airline food?

Just because we’re high they think we’ll like it?

Say "Unreliable Airline" three times fast.

Delta
Delta
Delta

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

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United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

At the low cost airliner

Flight attendant: would you like a drink?

Passenger: what are the options?

Flight attendant: yes or no

NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies."

They are putting the pilot together right now.

Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.






^im ^so ^sorry

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I'll never fly Virgin Airlines.....

Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend United Airlines.

One was removed.

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I was on an airline a couple weeks ago

I guess the pilot had forgotten to turn of the PA system, and said aloud on the speaker "damn, I could really go for a blowjob and a coffee right about now" A flight attendant ran past me heading to the cockpit and the guy next to me said "excuse me miss, I think you forgot his coffee!"

So many failed United Airlines jokes...

They just don't get off the ground.

What do you get when you cross a dog and n airline?

You end up having to board a collie

Why won't airlines hire Peter Pan?

Because he'll never never land.

Singapore Airlines are planning to start flights to nowhere

But I'm pretty sure Malaysia Airlines beat them to it

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Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, ...

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Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

American airlines, Delta Air Lines, and United Airlines all had a race...

United Airlines beat them all, united airlines beats EVERYBODY.

The airline food made me sick on my way to Germany...

it was the wurst

Was going to do United Airlines joke

But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

If you're getting on a commercial airliner,

for safety's sake, bring a bomb with you...

because the overwhelming odds are there won't be two guys on the same plane with a bomb.

How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry?

Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I’ve got a gut-feeling I think that’s one industry that will really be taking off.

Here's a pun: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

I'm sorry, that joke probably didn't land.

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard ho...

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I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it called Virgin Airlines?

Because their planes are eighteen years old and never been serviced.

What’s an airline pilots favourite crisp flavour?

Plain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black airline pilot from New York

A pilot you racist fuck.

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...

And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

Nerd joke

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

United Airlines

United Airlines, now offering Chinese take-out........

I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle.”

I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

An airline pilot and a woman walk into a bar.

The airline pilot is also a woman.

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

I’m the Southwest Airlines of men.

Baggage is included.

Did you hear about that religious airline?

Their prophets are soaring

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

Autopilot really won't replace good, high paying jobs for airline captains...

I talked to one who said his career was just taking off.

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

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