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Transit Jokes

I thought about transitioning into a woman

Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though

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I really wanted to write a joke about my successful transition surgery.

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

Why do dogs prefer public transit?

They don’t like to pay for barking

What was the codename for the transition from Obama to Trump?

Orange is the new black

What do you call a Mexican who transitions?

SeĂąor Rita

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order”

What’s the difference between a dirty public transit terminal and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

Most characters in the Harry Potter series were represented well in their transition from book to movie;

But Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.

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The rare talking koala bear was lost in transit..

From Austrailia to the New York zoo. He wandered down a back alley and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was u...

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My breasts haven’t grown much since I decided to transition

I guess that’s what I get for cutting out all of my trans fat

Sometimes a person is born male, but later transitions to being a woman.

If that person then decides they actually do identify as a man, does that make them a transformer?

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What do you call a prostitute who works on public transit?

A succ-you-bus.

I had a friend who was assigned male at birth, but fully transitioned to female later in life…

I know people will argue about how courageous that was,
But I know that surgery took balls.

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

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The Navy decides its time to help its enlisted transition to careers after their experience serving.

They decided to put an Occupational Counselor on every ship, including submarines. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. He was incredible. There was no resume he couldn’t perfect. No college and company he didn’t have contacts ...

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I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses.

Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.

English Language Transition

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

Why was it easy for the priest to transition into physics?

He was already good with masses

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

After my dad began his transition, I could see right through him

He was Trans-Parent

Why is it hard for the Amish to travel?

Their transit system is a little buggy.

What do you call a mass transit system that also cares deeply about humanitarian work?

A Bonorail.

What's an otaku's favorite transition metal?

Manga-nese!

The baby wasn't very good at transitioning out of breastfeeding

I guess you could say he sucked at tit

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

My father only hit me once as a child.

But he used a Ford Transit.

Researchers found a deep-ocean microbe which could explain transition from simple to complex cells

However, it passed away before it even had begun explaining.

A friend of mine, a performing arts student, was recently killed in an accident in Toronto…

He was putting himself through school by working as a birthday clown and he had to take the subway to get around. He was going to his next gig and his floppy shoes caught on his baggy trousers and, since he was a little too close to the edge, he fell in front of the train. We have tried to get the t...

What's the best way to get around Vatican City?

Mass Transit

What do Joe Biden and trans people have in common?

Republicans want to block their transition

Why does a well-done trans joke start off dark and turn wholesome?

Because the goal is a good transition.

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I always knew my Dad was gay...

But when they said they wanted to transition, I was even less surprised. They were always..... Transparent.

Trump: "We cannot let a woman be president!"

Staff: "That's not what transition team means, sir."

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I meet a beauty at the bus station and I asked her would you suck my dick? She smiled and said...

If you suck my dick first! I said damn,
The Transit’s Cumming

What do you call a sample of gold that used to be lead?

A transition metal.

Brittan decided that they will started driving on the right side of the road just like the rest of the world.

To eas people into this transition they will start with busses and trucks this week and normal cars next month.

If a Church Congregation from Massachusetts goes on a Bus Ride

It would be Mass Mass Mass Transit

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I recently went on a hunting trip in africa

And while i was there i shot and killed a lion, i decided to take it back to england with me so i could have it preserved but it was damaged in transit and only the rear end could be taxidermied, the rest had to be diaposed of,

It was a cat ass trophy

What kind of transportation does the Pope take?

Mass transit.

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A gypsy girl is about to get married.....

Her mum says,"Emerald,you do realise that when you get married, your husband will want to stick his most prized posession in to where you piss?"

The daughter replies,"Shut up Ma, how the fuck is he gonna fit his Transit van in the sink?

I asked for a pair of vans last Christmas...

So my dad got me two ford transits

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The Grammar of F***

Transitive Verb: "I want you to fuck me until I can't walk."

Intransitive Verb: "We fucked until my dick fell off."

Phrasal Verb: "I'm going to royally fuck you up."

Noun: "That guy is such a dumb fuck."

Pronoun: "Look who fuck-face over there brought to the party."
...

Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted...

...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too

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I was using Xbox Live.

I found out that I was a homosexual. Also my mom has been having relations with several of the other players. I don’t know how to break all this news to my dad, who is apparently transitioning.

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it.

Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.

Little boy was always interested in trains

From the day he could grasp the idea, he had been interested in them. The way they worked, the way they moved, the different kinds. He had decided at a young age that he wanted to be a train conductor.

The time eventually came when he got his dream job for a busy passenger transit line. His ...

I thought the Left would be more tolerant of President Trump...

He just transitioned.

Long- There is this old couple who could no longer care for themselves so they join an assisted living center

At first everything is going fine as they transition to the new lifestyle. When they first had joined the center they were seen as a loving couple as he had his hand on her thigh and she had her hand on his but over time they seemed to drift apart and about a year later he no longer even sat with he...

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

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Three men run into a yeti...

Three men get stranded in Antarctica. While searching for a place to camp out, they run into a yeti. The yeti says "Each of you bring me a fruit or I'll kill you."

The first man comes back with strawberries and the yeti says "Shove them up your ass." He does so and begins crying.

The s...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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A newly anointed priest is given his first posting.

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the al...

Political advice

A politician, Fred, is beaten in an election, and meets with the winner as part of the transition. “Bob, you beat me fair and square; the people have spoken. But in my tenure, I’ve learned a few things I offer to you now”. Fred produces 3 envelopes. “These envelopes are labeled #1, #2 and #3. Ea...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

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