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Carriage Jokes

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

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A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up abou...

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Four people in a carriage

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young
blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from
the tunnel the Frenchman i...

The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.

“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"

Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage

The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable.

An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.

The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window.

The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless.

A few minutes later the Cuban man takes ...

Boris Johnson and the Queen are riding in the horse-drawn Royal carriage along the Royal Mile...

Suddenly, the horse lets out a long, godalmighty fart, the kind that sounds like it could strip paint.

The Queen, embarrassed, leans to Boris and says "I'm sorry about that".

And Boris replies "That's quite alright, ma'am, I thought it was the horse."

A man on a train gets up and moves to the doors..

..a conductor notices and says "Sorry sir, this train doesn't stop at the next station on a Sunday night." Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says "It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like."

So as the train slows down th...

The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart.

The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says "My goodness, I do apologise"

"That's OK Ma'am, I thought it was the horse"

The Train Carriage Compartment

So, traveling by train through Europe were a Ukrainian man, a Russian soldier, an old lady, and a beautiful young woman. Naturally, there was some tension, and nobody spoke.

Then the train went into a tunnel, and everything, for a moment, was pitch dark.

There's the sound of a loud ki...

A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa)

they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on...

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

Trump Finally Gets His Parade

One of Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."...

[long]This is a joke from my country

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, there was a young princess who never left the castle and had no knowlage about the outside world. The king being worried that the princess might never learn about the life outside the castle, asked his court jester 'Anderee' to take the princess out to the cou...

There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.

It's a little buggy.

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse ca...

If I ever got a horse drawn carriage, I'd name the horse Reo.

It'd be my REO Steed Wagon.

My car’s gone and a horse and carriage is in it’s place...

Something seems A-mish

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An amish girl and her mom are riding home in a horse drawn carriage

Daughter: "Mom, my hands are so cold."

Mother: "Stick your hands between your legs and your body heat will keep them warm."

So the daughter does this and she is amazed how warm her hands got. So the next night she is with her boyfriend running errands:

Boyfriend: "Wow, it is col...

A young lady and an older one were riding through town in the same carriage.

The older lady asked the younger if she wouldn't mind taking a detour down the cobblestone road which runs past the old church. The younger lady had no objection, and the older directed the driver, who turned at the appointed street. Unlike the brick of the main streets, however, the cobblestone roa...

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

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There once was a nobleman named Alvin Cricket who was riding down a particularly secluded riverside path in his personal carriage.

Suddenly, a large man rose out of the bushes and stopped the carriage in it's tracks. The brute threw the driver into the river and began pillaging every part of the expensive carriage he could find in order to sell it's scrap.

"No! Stop destroying my carriage!" yelled Cricket.

"If you...

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A man and a woman find themselves alone in a sleeper carriage

The man gallantly takes the upper bunk as they settle down for the train journey.

After a while the man feels a bit cold and asks the woman if she can pass up an extra blanket.

The woman thinks for a while and says in her sexiest voice 'why don't we pretend we are husband and wife for ...

Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?

'Cause horses are rubbish at drawing

What did Cinderella say when her carriage turned into a pumpkin?

Oh my gord!

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

What is the difference between a BMW and a baby carriage?

The baby carriage is the result of last year's fun on wheels.

A priest and a lawyer

A priest and a lawyer had both died, after what seemed like eternity they finally stood before the pearly gates of heaven.

Suddenly the gates open and a bright angel of God apears before them.

"Welcome to the kingdom of Heaven, please get in my carriage and I will show you to your new ...

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

A: Miscarriage

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

Am I a real polar bear?

Small white bear: Dad, am I polar bear?

Dad, a large polar bear: Yes, son, you are

S: A real polar bear?

D: Yes, a real polar bear

S: Is there any way I could be any other sort of bear?

D: No. 100% polar bear. Why, son?

S: 'CAUSE I'M FREAKING COLD!

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

The French Ambassador was on a visit to the U.K.

During one stage of the visit, he was travelling in the Royal Carriage with Her Majesty the Queen.

Suddenly, one of the horses let out a tremendously loud and powerful fart.

"Oh dear, one can only apologise!" Said the Queen.

The French Ambassador was shocked. "I thought it was t...

A man is sitting alone on a train.

A man is sitting alone on a train, whole carriage to himself. It's raining heavily outside and there's a gap on the ceiling right above the man's head, pouring water into the carriage and soaking him wet. The inspector comes in collecting tickets, sees the man in this miserable state and asks "Excus...

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Isn't that the Archbishop of Canterbury?

Bill and Ted are travelling by train and Bill looks up and says to Ted, "Hey, that guy at the other end of the carriage looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury?"

Ted blinks and says, "Nah, couldn't be him," and Bill says "I'm sure it is. I'm going to go and ask him."

So Bill goes up an...

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So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

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Bobby hopped on the train and found a vacant seat.

After sitting down, he looked around the carriage and observed an attractive woman seated across from himself, reading a book titled "Sexual statistics."



A little intimidated at first, Bobby finally plucked up some courage and initiated conversation.



"Hi, that looks lik...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

A cowboy is riding on his horse in a desert. Suddenly he sees a man lying down with his ear to the ground.

The man says: 'A carriage. 6 horses. 3 black, 2 brown and 1 white.'

The cowboy says: 'Wow! You can hear all of that?!'

'No,' says the man. 'They just ran me over.'

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

&nbsp;

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

My teacher told us she was going to have a baby, but now she cries when we say her name.

I don't know what's wrong with Ms. Carriage.

Queen Elizabeth and Indira Gandhi

My dad told me this joke when I was young, and I think it's HILARIOUS:

Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth. Both of them were riding in the Queen's horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.

Petrified and embarrassed by the horse's toot, th...

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Sorry if this comes across as offensive...

Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train.
One man shouts to the carriage "Air in the hands motherstickers!"
The other man shouts "This is a fuck up!"

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two homeless blondes

Two homeless blondes start to live in abandoned railway carriages. They tell each other how it feels like.
The fist one says: "I don't like the 'no smoking' sign, I have to smoke outside even when it's winter."
The second one says: "I don't like the 'use the toilet only when the train is m...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

what do you call a wagon full of young ladies?

a miscarriage

Why did I change my last name?

SO my wife could have Ms. Carriage

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit ba...

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Tom and Yuu's love story

Tom Wake and Yuu Watanabe met in Japan while Tom was on a business trip. Ironically, Tom didn't want to take the job, but he was the only one fluent in Japanese, so he reluctantly went on the trip. Usually, deals like these took place over video conferences, but the company's client insisted on meet...

Fred got on a train

Fred got on a train. Across from where he sat down was a man who kept flinching. Eventually he asked if there was something wrong that he could help with. The man replied, "oh don't mind me, it's just a nervous tic I picked up in Afghanistan where I served for 6 months." Fred tried not to be irrita...

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An Englishman and a Frenchman are sitting opposite a beautiful young woman and her mother on a train going through the Alps

The train passes into a tunnel and the carriage is suddenly plunged into darkness. A short while later, everyone hears a loud *slap*, and a cry of *zut alors*! When the train emerges, the angry Frenchman is rubbing his cheek.

The older woman thinks: "That dirty Frenchman must have tried to to...

A farmer had ordered a mail order bride

She arrived by train in the nearest town, so he strapped his horse to his carriage and went to pick her up.

On the way back, the horse stumbles on one leg, and the farmer loudly says "That's one!"

After a little while more, the horse once again stumbles, and the farmer loudly says "Tha...

Who's the most beautiful girl in the world who never managed to have children?

Miss Carriage

The doctor asks "Would you like to see the Misscarriage"?

"Of course I want to see my daughter," snaps Mr. Carriage.

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Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

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Paddy goes to a work seminar.

Paddy is attending a seminar on ‘work ethic’.


In the room is a bloke called Max, a carriage clock and a dwarf mother of three.


‘Right Paddy,’ the dwarf says, ‘Max & I are going to demonstrate some examples of our attitude to work. Afterwards we’d like you to show us an exam...

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A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

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An old farmer and his wife are riding along...

An old farmer and his wife are riding along a dirt road in a horse drawn carriage. The road is rather weathered and beaten down, making the long journey an unpleasant ride.

The horse stumbles on a hole in the road and violently jerks the carriage. The old man pulls on the reigns and brings t...

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The man who had 3 balls

This guy was born with 3 balls and when he got older, he started worrying about it. So he goes to the doctor.
‘Doc, I’ve got 3 balls. Am I abnormal?’
The doctor examined the guy’s sack. Ran a few tests.
‘Mate, you’re perfectly healthy and your balls are fine. Look at this way...you’re proba...

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Working for Her Majesty

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

She says to them "Because my footmen ...

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

Four across...

Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:

"A word, four across, ending with unt..."

The other man asks him:

"Well, what's the clue?"

He replie...

Three park rangers are walking together through a wintry forest when they come upon a tiny leprechaun, shivering in the cold.

The leprechaun asks the rangers for help escaping the snowy forest, and tells them that whoever can come up with the best and kindest way to transport him out of the forest, will be granted his pot of gold.

The first ranger offers him a limousine. “You will be in the lap of luxury as you are ...

A question of chromosomes, don't ask him Y

A prince out for a ride in his carriage caught sight of a man who looked very much like him. He called the man over and asked him curiously,

“Tell me, was your mother ever in the service at the palace?”

Holding himself very straight, the commoner replied,

“No, your majesty. Bu...

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

On the train

I was sitting on the train this morning when a hot looking woman walked into the carriage in a tight, short skirt and a low cut top. As she sat down in the seat opposite me. I sat there thinking "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"


Then she did.

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

1, 2, 3

I've noticed a trend of people translating jokes from their own language and I decided to give it a try.

Daughter comes up to her mom for a marriage advice: "I'm always arguing with my husband... You and dad have been married for over 30 years and I've never seen You both fight. What's your s...

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Cinderella was being a brat...

Cinderella was being bitchy and bratty days before the ball and it pissed her fairy godmother off something furious. To teach her a lesson, the fairy godmother said;

"Look I'm not going to be heartless. You can go to the ball and dance with Prince Charming, but if you're back ONE MINUTE after...

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Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

Inventors

Tesla, Ford, and Edison were all standing on a stage, presenting their latest findings.

Tesla strolled forward and announced that he had invented a brand new way to transmit energy through the air! The crowd clapped politely.

Ford was next, and pulled the cover off a large engine. He ...

Well the war was finally over, and...

A train full of soldiers was headed back from the front. In one carriage, a Colonel and a Corporal sat across from each other, and as the train rolled past a former battlefield, the Colonel sighed and told the Corporal that he'd once led a charge riding a great white stallion in that very spot...at...

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

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A man and a woman just got married...

They're on their way to the honeymoon in a horse drawn carriage, when the horse starts acting up. It's jumping on its front legs, starts backing up, so the man gets out, walks over to the horse and says "that's 1". The horse calms down. So they start down the road, again, the horse just starts actin...

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Priest and an Imam chatting on a train

The two gents are sat across a table from each other on a very quiet, slow-moving train and having a polite and happy chat about the differences and similarities in their roles and beliefs. After a few hours the two are getting on so well that they begin to share stories about their own lives, the p...

A newly wed couple were riding a horse drawn buggy home....

After a few miles the horse stopped in the middle of the road and the husband gave the horse a light pop with the whip. The horse kicked and bucked. The man quietly murmured "That's strike one.". A few minutes later the horse stopped again and after a light tap on his hind quarters bucked even more ...

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Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

The carnival is in town so Bruce invites Garry to spend a romantic warm summer evening with him wandering around the attractions.

Bruce wins a Cupie doll and gives it to Garry. They eat corndogs and cotton candy and both of them are thinking this is the best night of my life.
Then they come across the giant ferris wheel and Garry says “lets go on that big wheel it’s my all time favourite ride in the world.”
Bruce says “...

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I respect my wife

One day, a man interviews a 90 year old couple who have been married for 70 years. During the entire interview, the man is always constantly respectful of his wife. He does whatever she says without a hint of complaint. The reporter asks, "How is it possible you are still happily married after so lo...

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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