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Jet Jokes

So there were 4 people on a private jet

Oprah Winfrey, Donald trump, Barack obama, and this little girl.

In the middle of there flight, the engine shuts down and and there going to crash.

So Oprah Winfrey says “the world needs me” and grabs a parachute and jumps off.

Then Donald trump grabs a parachute and jumps off ...

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"

Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts fl...

Whadda ya get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A boring 747.

What does a shark call a jet-skier?

Fast food. (I’m so sorry)

I have my own private jet

But my mum owns the rest of the jacuzzi.

Everyone keeps saying Aaron Rodgers only had 4 snaps with the Jets.....

Its 5 if you count the Achilles ( I'm so sorry jets fans )

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

Drink jet fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can...

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

What's the difference between a NY Jets fan, and a guy in an Aldi parking lot?

The guy at Aldi gets a quarter back.

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth...

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said: "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm going to screw that hostess".


Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell t...

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What's a Jet Skirt?

I was at the Grocery store with Grandpa , who is a retired Air Force pilot, when two Girls in **super short skirts** walked by.

Grandpa said, "Look at those **Jet Skirts**" as we both admired the two Ladies.

I had to know, what's a Jet Skirt ?

Grandpa replied, "It's a Skirt s...

what do you call a giraffe with a jet stuck in it's throat?

A plane in the neck.

I like to tell girls I have my own private jet

But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi

How can you tell when a jet landing in Australia is from England?

When the engines are turned off the whining continues.

A Fellow Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only...

I don’t know why Jets fans are so mad at Aaron Rodgers. Saying he screwed their entire season

Obviously he’s just into four play

Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao

[User was banned for this post]

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The ...

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A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

What did the propellor say to the jet engine?

I’m a big fan!

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What pain does a jet pilot have after working out?

Afterburners




(That has got to be the shittiest jokeI have ever made)

Why weren’t Soviet fighter jets ever any good?

Cause they were always Stalin

What's the difference between a jet engine and my wife?

The jet engine stops whining when it gets to Miami.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...

The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.

A horse is bored, so he's sitting at home watching MTV

This was back when MTV played music videos. So, he's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play gu...

I quit my job drilling ventilation holes in jet engines...

...it was just plane boring.

What was the inspector's opinion on the Jet Engine?

He was blown away.

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian defence minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet defence minister, was quite embarrassed about the scorecard from L...

King Felipe VI is self isolating in his jet

The reign in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

What do you call a 60 year old flying in a fighter jet?

A sonic boomer.

What do call a Russian not working jumbo jet?

Jumbo nyet

(Sorry)

President of France, Italy and Serbia are flying over the world in a jet.

They fly over France and the president of France says:
"Look, there's France!!"
Everyone asks:
"How do you know?"
He responds:
"You can see the Eiffel tower."

They fly over Italy and the president of Italy says:
"Look, there's Italy!!"
Everyone asks:
"How do you know?"...

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

Jet fuel cant melt steel beams...

But an oxy-acetylene torch can burn down 600 years of French heritage in 12 hours.

Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

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Trudeau, Scheer and Singh are on a private jet.

Scheer throws a hundred dollar bill out the window and says "I'll make 1 Canadian happy". Trudeau doesn't want to look bad so he throws 2 $50 bills out the window and says " I'm going to make 2 Canadians happy". Singh throws 100 loonies out the window and says "Ha! I'm making 100 Canadians happy". T...

Jet Fuel Alcoholics

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet f...

Donald Trump visits an elementary school...

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One li...

What do you call a jet full of high class hookers?

Courtesan plane

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A state of the art fighter jet with a sentient navigation computer malfunctioned and went into a tailspin

The human pilot realized it was unrecoverable and shouted, "Computer, initiate automated ejection sequence."

After a long silence, the computer responded, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

Smirking, the crafty, old-school pilot muttered, "I knew the...

A Russian mobster goes to meet Italian mafia

As soon as Italians notice him, they scoff. "You're not real gangster."

"Why not?" the Russian asks.

"Do you own a 4 story mansion?"

"Well, no."

"How many limousines you own?"

"Limousines? None."

"And where is your solid gold necklace?"

"I, I do not ...

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Baby eagle in his nest sees a fighter jet passing overhead.

Amazed at the speed, he turns to mamma and asks, "Why can't we fly so fast?" 

Mamma: "You would too my son, if your ass was on fire."

Have you ever wanted to feel like you own a jet?

Buy a PS4.

What's the difference between a stove and a Jet?

A stove needs a pilot light while a jet needs a light pilot.

People never seem to remember Jet Li's weaker, pacifist brother...

Gent Li.

Navy jet pilot: This is it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!

Copilot: What?

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What has a jumbo jet and your mum got in common?

They've both got a big cockpit.

Why couldn't the fighter jet pilot communicate with his co-pilot?

He hadn't broken the sound barrier yet.

Is this InkJet any good?

Sure, we've sold it to royalty


Princesses?


Mate, it prints ALL the letters!

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6 people on a private jet

There are 6 people a private jet flying across the states. The pilot comes out of the cockpit and says "well, this plane is going down, and there are only 5 parachutes so yall can fight over the other 4", and he jumps. Leaving 4. Then a middle aged man in a lab coat says ,"well im a leading scientis...

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...

How many Nascar drivers does it take to blow up a jet dryer?

Just Juan

A jumbo jet ditches into the caribbean

It was plane sailing from then on

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My wife isn't like other NY Jets fans...

She never complains about how hard Tom Brady fucks her.

A blonde was on a jet...

...and midway through the flight, the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've lost one of our engines. We can get along perfectly well with the other three, but we'll be arriving at our destination half an hour late."

Soon after he came on again: "Ladies and gentlemen, a second engine...

Did anyone else witness that jet crashing into the ocean?

It was plane to sea.

Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought....

Fokker.

What is the last straw for a jet pilot?

...9G, maybe even 10.

Why does a jet engine turbine never sound like waltz?

Just because it is a huge metal fan.

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There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies.

One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards.

"I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old."

"Well," replied Pau...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

Two Ryanair pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Two Ryanair pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Murphy says: “BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.”

Seamus replies: “Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!”

A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

What do you call a cross between an Encyclopedia and a squadron of fighter jets? [OC]

Flying in-formation.

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tak...

Why couldn't the monk who flew a helicopter understand the monk who flew commercial jets?

Because he was on a higher plane.

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

The NY Jets website is down...

apparently they can't put together 3 w's

An Australian is traveling to New York. The jet lag is a bit too much so he decides to sleep it off.

When he wakes in the morning he goes outside and almost gets hit by a taxi. The driver says "watch where your going pal! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies " Nah mate, I got here yesterday."

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Three fathers are discussing their son's success.

The first one says "My son started off with very little money, but he is a genius in the stock markets, and became rich just like that! Recently he even bought a friend of his a new Ferrari."

The second one says "That's nothing! My boy started working as a cleaner in a large company, and over...

A rich man is leaving home in the morning when his overnight security guard asks for a word ...

"Boss, I had this dream your private jet had a problem and everyone on board of the flight died," the guard said.
The rich man, who had travel plans for that day decided to postpone it and to have the jet checked.
After a thorough investigation, an issue was found that'd certainly be fatal if ...

Three guys are aboard a jet as it's about to crash and there are only two parachutes...

The first guy has the parachutes and gives both of them to the others, the second guy says thank you and jumps. The third guy before jumping asks "Wow, why would you do such a thing, why not save your own life?". The first guy then looks at him and says, "What are you crazy, I gave the second guy an...

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Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates

And St. Peter says, "We're pretty full, so we're making people pass additional tests. I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he's only letting in people who have a connection to Jets." All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim step...

My friends and I have a lot of fun riding jet skis That time we had a fatal crash on the coast was especially hilarious.

We littorally died.

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Hotshot

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
...

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Two women were chatting in the airport lounge…

The younger one says “I must be jet lagged, I went to get my ticket to Pittsburgh and asked for a picket to dicksburgh”

The older one replies and says “I know what you mean, I called my husband to remind him to take out the trash and instead said ’you ruined my life you drunken bastard’”

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What is the last thing to go through a sea gull's mind when it gets hit by a jumbo jet?

It's ass.

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