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Owning Jokes

Not vaccinating your child is like owning a PT Cruiser

You're spending thousands a year on something that'll probably be dead in less than five.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...

and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

Owning a house is like an EA game.

You have to pay for every extension.

Millenials dream about owning a house

Too bad it's surreal estate

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

How do Millennials fireproof their homes?

By never owning one.

What’s more American than owning your own home?

Not owning your own home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Everybody says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked before you got there. 

I've never been really good at owning up to my actions and responsibilities

Can't believe my parents raised me this way.

The medical term for owning too many dogs....

Rover Dose.

Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

Owning a house is like the music of Bill Withers.

When you move in it’s like “Lovely Day”, but after a few years it’s more like “Lien On Me”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s common between owning a cat and voting?

Checking a box for a piece of shit.

What's the best thing about owning a car in Liverpool?

You'll eventually end up with enough bricks to build a free garage.

What's the worst part about owning a Corvette?

Trying to keep your chest hair from getting stuck in your gold chain.

What's the most profitable part of owning a lemonade stand?

Selling the antidote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst thing about owning a dildo farm?

Squatters.

My liberal friend asked me why we think owning gun is a God given right when noone in Bible had one.

I corrected him that Paul had epistle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Owning a sword is like being a horny priest...

Owning a sword is like being a horny priest, even though you want to, you can never use it without breaking the law.

I don't mind owning a .4mm pen.

I think it's fine.

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

Why is owning a Prius difficult?

It's hard to drive when you're patting yourself on the back all the time.

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus ...

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