UPJOKE
identificationrecognitionnamesamenessidentifypersonalityunknownpseudonymnationalityparticularoriginsurnamedescriptionpersonalethnicity

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

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So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

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Jonathan died in a violent car crash and his body was horribly mangled

Because of this, the police were having a hard time confirming his identity. So they brought in Jonathan's two best friends friends, Cletus and Buba to help identify Jonathan.

They bring Cletus into the mortuary to view the body, Cletus carefully studies it and says "Well it could be Jona...

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

A Man Walks into A Psychiatrist's Office

And says,

"Hey, doc, I think my brother's gone crazy! He's convinced he's a chicken."

The doc says,

"Well, it looks like a simple case of an identity disorder: why don't you turn him in?"

The guy responds,

"I would, doc, but I need the eggs."

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish Guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

What did the foot fetishist say to the case of mistaken identity?

Oh dear we seem to have got off on the wrong foot

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

A month ago, someone stole my identity

Last week he mailed my license and social security card back, along with a five dollar bill.

A lot has changed since my girlfriend announced pregnancy...

To name a few changes: my identity, place of residence, phone number...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

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TIL Smoking cannabis and drinking codeine infused solutions causes temporary memory loss and identity confusion among young lyrical artists.

That's why new rappers are always asking "What's my motherfucking name, y'all!"

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Dont Mess With Customer Service Agents...

Customer Service


A crowded United Airlines flight from Denver Airport was cancelled.

A single female agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers when an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the desk and said, “I have to b...

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

A nosy identity thief is the absolute worst

He has that annoying habit of making other peoples lifes his own

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

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Conspiracy theorists think that Vice President Cheney stole someone's identity, and that his birth name is actually Bart.

It's not true. I've met him. He's a real Dick.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

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Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as FEmale

What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?

It’s an altar ego.

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

Hi, I'm an identity thief.



My pronouns are you/yours.

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back.

It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

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An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

I have the only identity where if it was stolen...

The person who brought it would ask for a refund

Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis

, You know who you are, I think?

What do you think Alexa, siri, and cortana identity as

Binary

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Mistaken Identity

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: - "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?" - "I am not Master Ayumu."

What do you call a martial artist who's masking his identity?

Not sure, but you might want to use his judonym.

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.



Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

Identity Crises!

A man goes to the doctor's consultation room to get the results of his wife's tests.

The lady on duty tells him: "I'm terribly sorry Mr. but there was a bit of a problem that crept in.

We sent your wife's tests along with another lady with the same surname, to the pathologists. Resul...

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

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Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..!
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted.....

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

Whenever I struggle with my identity, I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.

I find it's the best place for self reflection.

How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity?

"Look at this photograph"

My wife appears to have had her identity stolen.

Some woman at the mall just parked really badly and had a go at me like it was my fault.

How many tickles does it take to confirm your identity?

Just 2 test tickles.

Why are older Israelis More Prone to Identity Theft?

They still use Netanyahu.

I can never tell male and female geese apart.

I'm confused about my gander identity.

Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

What was the true identity of the Greek Spider-Man?

Pita Parker

What do you call an identity stealing spaghetti?

An impasta!

What do you call a cat who steals someone's identity?

An impawster.

I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.

On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.



It said "It sucks to be you."

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