UPJOKE
identificationrecognitionnamesamenessidentifyidenticalnesspersonalityunknownpseudonymnationalityparticularoriginsurnamedescriptionpersonal

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

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So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

What did the foot fetishist say to the case of mistaken identity?

Oh dear we seem to have got off on the wrong foot

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

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An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The ...

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.



Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

A month ago, someone stole my identity

Last week he mailed my license and social security card back, along with a five dollar bill.

My Identity

Today I gave a homeless person everything I own, My identity, wallet, house, even my wedding ring.

You can't imagine how good it feels to be free of debt and my wife for the first time.

I can never tell male and female geese apart.

I'm confused about my gander identity.

A nosy identity thief is the absolute worst

He has that annoying habit of making other peoples lifes his own

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish

Guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

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Conspiracy theorists think that Vice President Cheney stole someone's identity, and that his birth name is actually Bart.

It's not true. I've met him. He's a real Dick.

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?

It’s an altar ego.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

Hi, I'm an identity thief.



My pronouns are you/yours.

What do you think Alexa, siri, and cortana identity as

Binary

2 Christians in the Sahara

Were lost and looking for food/water. They found in the middle of the day a small city with a mosque in its entrance. The two men decided to go look for charity there. Before going in they had a discussion:
Man 1: I don't think they will provide us with food knowing that we're Christians, I'll sa...

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back.

It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

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Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as FEmale

How do you identity the tourist in Siberia?

He's the one with the round trip ticket.

I have the only identity where if it was stolen...

The person who brought it would ask for a refund

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis

, You know who you are, I think?

What do you call a martial artist who's masking his identity?

Not sure, but you might want to use his judonym.

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An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

I am very upset with my mom. When I was growing up she told me, "You can be whoever you want to be."

That's not true. Turns out Identity Theft is a crime!

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Mistaken Identity

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: - "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?" - "I am not Master Ayumu."

How would you describe an obsessive horologist with disassociative identity disorder?

Someone with too much time on his minds.

Identity Crises!

A man goes to the doctor's consultation room to get the results of his wife's tests.

The lady on duty tells him: "I'm terribly sorry Mr. but there was a bit of a problem that crept in.

We sent your wife's tests along with another lady with the same surname, to the pathologists. Resul...

How many tickles does it take to confirm your identity?

Just 2 test tickles.

Whenever I struggle with my identity, I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.

I find it's the best place for self reflection.

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Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..!
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted.....

Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?

*points thumbs at chest*

That guy.

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Had my identity stolen by a rhino once. Had a bunch of purchases from Victoria Secret.

Guess he was horny.

Why are older Israelis More Prone to Identity Theft?

They still use Netanyahu.

How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity?

"Look at this photograph"

My wife appears to have had her identity stolen.

Some woman at the mall just parked really badly and had a go at me like it was my fault.

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

What do you call an identity stealing spaghetti?

An impasta!

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