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Contrary Jokes

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground!

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

With the current international situation, you'd think that the Russian Tea Rooms in New York would be experiencing a downturn in business. Quite the contrary, business is so good, they've expanded...

...into the Ukrainian Village Restaurant on 2nd Ave.

Contrary to popular belief, Santa was born in the USSR.

If you had to deliver that many gifts in one night, you'd be Russian around too.

Contrary to what historians will tell you, Napoleon had a more horrific death.

It turns out, the military leader had walked over an active land mine causing it to explode. Body parts were strewn all over the place. Yeah. That’s right. Napoleon was Blown-apart!

Contrary to popular belief, Children are not a natural occurrence...

Turns out they are Man-made.

Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don't pick it up.

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

Contrary to popular belief, Mount Everest is not packed with climbers all year round...

It only gets busy at peak times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

I live in a flat, you stupid twat, so how the fuck should I know?

Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contrary to popular belief there was more sex on the TV in the 50s and 60s than there is now.

Modern TVs can't support the weight.

Contrary to popular belief, Benjamin Franklin didn’t discover electricity.

He was just really shocked by it.

Contrary to your body not feeling good while you are sick, your nose must feel the best ever.

Because it keeps on running.

Socrates the philosopher

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"


"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It...

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“Does this dress make my butt look big?” she asked. “On the contrary,” I replied suavely,

“it’s your butt that’s making the dress look big.”

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

The FBI has answered my mom's oldest question.

The FBI recently announced that indeed (contrary to my mothers teaching) the laundry has done itself!

Walt Disney's body wasn't frozen after he died.

Contrary to popular legend, it was only his head that was cryogenically frozen after he succumbed to lung cancer, having been a heavy smoker.

Years later a friend requested that Walt be thawed out so that he could see how he was doing. Apparently old habits die hard, because the first thing ...

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

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A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it !! Healthy p...

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John and Tom are captured by an indigenous African tribe

They are brought to the chief who says: "If you not want dead, you bring me 100 fruits”

The two prisoners then go to the jungle in order to collect the fruits.

John soon finishes and brings a 100 cherries.
“Shove them in you ass without making sound.”, the chief ordered.

John...

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A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going ...

For the English

Q: What do you say to someone who appears to have done irreparable harm to themselves despite multiple warnings to the contrary?

A: U.K. ?

If a man hits a woman while driving his car, who's fault is it?

Contrary to popular belief, it is the man's fault. There is no reason for him to drive in the kitchen.

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

The rabbi's debate

Four rabbis are arguing about the purity of an old oven. Three think it need to be purified, but the last argues it is pure.

The contrary rabbi declares, "If I'm right, then this room will prove it!" Suddenly, a large crack appears on the wall opposite to the men.

"This old place is f...

A customer at a hotel resort goes to complain to the manager.

"Manager," he says, "there are far too many mosquitoes here. Is there perhaps something you can do to fix it?"

The manager replies: "Absolutely sir, when the mosquitoes get particularly bad we use my grandfather. We bring him out on his wheelchair and cover him in honey and all the mosquitoes...

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"Long Shots" (long)

A bartender was tending his bar, as one does, when a drunk patron approaches him and orders a pint of beer, plus a couple shots for himself and the bartender... The bar was relatively unpopulated, save for a few sitting along the bar and a booth of 5 gentlemen in the far corner, loudly joking and la...

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Three old man are complaining about their age

The first old man grumbles "it sucks being 70, I can't take a piss because of my bladder issues, it never seems to want to come out unless I take my pills"


The second old man scoffs and goes "nah nah, 80 is where it gets real bad. My bowels are so bad, I can't shit without prunes and laxa...

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The Cheese Test

A young herdsman wanted to get married. Now he knew three sisters. All were equally beautiful, and he liked them all equally well, so he could not decide which of them he should choose as his bride. His mother noticed this, and she said to him, "Let me give you some good advice. Invite all three sis...

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It was summer and a bit too warm, so two guys decided to go out for a nice motorcycle ride.

The guy who was driving decided to speed up a little, and soon he was doing about 30 miles per hour. It felt good but he wanted to see how his pal was doing, so he turned around to get a good look. Contrary to himself who was enjoying the nice breeze, his friend was still sweating like crazy. Well I...

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Going home for the holidays is always awkward for me.

I arrived at my parents house where my mother was already hard at work in the kitchen baking and preparing for the meal tomorrow.

She came out to sit with me and we talked through our most recent Netflix obsessions, favorite foods, and caught up on each other's lives.

After our discuss...

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So a guy and his frog walk into a bar.

And he has a few to many drinks by himself and the bartender begins to worry. The man asked for another pint.

"I think you've had a few to many," the bartender responds.

He replies in a drunken tone, "I'm a traveling showman, and I have a million dollar act. If I show it to you, can I ...

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So when I was an altar boy when I was a kid...

...and its not all that you'd think it would be. Contrary to popular belief, an aletrboy's true purpose is to put up with the priests shit, and to pick up the slack when he drops the ball. Anyway, one day I was sweeping the chapel floor when i heard somebody whisper my name. I looked around and saw ...

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