UPJOKE
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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

You’re one in a million

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC; Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We a...

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Super old joke I heard a million years ago

Two pieces of shit walk down the street and see a diarrhea coming towards them.

The diarrhea asks:

"Hi guys, can I hang out with you?"

The two pieces of shit look at each other, then back at the diarrhea and say:

"No, sorry buddy, we only hang out with tough guys."

What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?

Post office

I'm a very generous guy. In fact, I've donated millions.

Of sperm to the sperm bank.

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

Get up at 5:00AM every day

90 minutes of cardio

Take a cold shower

Journal

Schedule out your day

Dad owns Fortune 500 company

Meditate

How Did The Frog Sell A Million Books?

Because his story was so ribbiting!

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A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam

He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.

At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.

The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.

Finally, the rabbi ge...

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The trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

\- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

\- “We’re taking United,” wa...

I won a million dollars and donated a quarter of it to charity!

I now have $999999.75 left.

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

Sherlock and his friend Watson go camping

They pitch up their tent and fall asleep. A few hours later, they both wake up.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

"I see millions and millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

Holmes: "Tell me what that means Watson."

Watson: "Astronomically speaking,...

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It cost about 15 million

To shit in someone's bed.

scared of flying

A friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that
there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on ...

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur...

A man walks into a bar, takes a small piano out of his bag and then a tiny man. the tiny man starts playing the piano.

The bartender asks the gentleman "what's up"?
The gentleman explains how he found a magic lamp with a genie inside and he grants wishes. The gentleman says if you give me a couple free drinks I will gladly let you make a wish.
The bartender thinks, ok what's the worst that can happen.
The b...

A man walks into a museum

He sees a dinosaur skeleton and asks the tour guide “How old is that skeleton?”

The tour guide says “65 million and 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.”

“Wow” says the man, “How do you get such a specific measurement?”

The tour guide replies “Well it was 65 million years old when I s...

Starbucks has pulled out of Russia, with the move likely to cost them five hundred million dollars

Though they can save on that if they have a reusable cup.

Why doesn't the sun go to college?

Because it has a million degrees!

Retirement Home

A woman moves to a retirement home. Her sons each decide to give her a nice gift as a token of their gratitude.

“I will buy a Ferrari for mom,” the oldest says, “at least half a million dollars worth, so she can enjoy a nice drive.”

“I'll buy her a luxurious villa with a downstairs sle...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

A man is talking to God and asks, “God, how long is a million years?”

God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”

“God, how much is a million dollars?”

“To me, it’s a penny.”

“God, may I have a penny?”

“Wait a minute.”

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

Al Qaeda has announced that they've captured Russian mercenaries in Mali. If they aren't paid $10 Million

... they'll release the mercenaries unharmed.

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As a young boy, I was serious when I said I wouldn't suck a dick for a million dollars...

As a straight, millennial man seeking a house, I'd do it for 90% less.

If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read this

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two m...

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because they won't stop to ask directions.

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An old woman walks into a bank

She asks for a meeting with the bank manager to set up an account. She explains that she wants to deposit five million dollars.

The bank manager says "If you don't mind my asking, where do you get all of your money?"

The old woman says "I'm a professional bettor."

"So like sport...

How to get a million dollars by becoming a musician?

Start with two million.

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A teacher asks her class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

A Middle Aged Man Down on His Luck Finds an Old Lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your wife will get ten-fold."

"I'd like $10 million," says the man. "Okay," the Genie replies, "but just know your wife will receive $100 million." "Yes, I know," the man says. "Fo...

A man is praying to god

Man:god I have a few questions,how do you perceive time?

God:you see 10 million years to me is nearly a minute

Man:and what about money

God:10 million euro’s to me is just a cent

Man:okay can I have a cent?

God:yeah just a minute

Russian man dies

Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to hell. There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.

So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.

Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire l...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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Never trust a banker...

A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the teller, who happens to be an attractive young woman. The customer says, "Hey toots, great tits, I wanna open a fucking checking account. "

The teller is of course *instantly* offended. "Sir, that is insulting and sexist and I will *not* put up with ...

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

I always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He wasn't a millionaire, he just wanted to be one.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

I have 6.3 Million jokes about unemployed people...

Sadly, none of them work.

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A bank robber swallows a million dollars

Desperate and on the run from the police, a bank robber forces his entire million dollar haul down his gullet and calmly walks home.

The next day he is suffering from extreme cramping and his pain becomes worse throughout the day. In the end he cannot take it anymore and presents himself to ...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

A man asked God: "what's a million years to you?"

God replied: "to me it's only a minute"

"And what's a million dollars?"

"To me, it's only a cent"

"So... can I have one of your cents?"

"Sure, just give me a minute."

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?

400 million dolla man.

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

Just Googled "how to light a candle"

Got 50 million matches

Magic Frog

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't
See a...

an immunologist and a cardiologist are kidnapped...

the kidnapper threatens to shoot one of them. but will spare the one who has made the greater contribution to mankind. the cardiologist says " i've developed drugs that saved millions of lives". the kidnapper turns to the immunologist: " and what have you done...? " the immunologist pauses and then ...

A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. The girl asks for two weeks to consider the proposal ...

Two weeks pass and the man calls the girl for her decision 'I can't sorry' she tells him 'I'm your stepmother'

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates’ leader, waving his gun, shouted: “the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!”

The official responded, calmly: “I will give you ...

I won 1 Million in a lottery and decided to donate a quater to charity

Now I have $999,999.75

If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

One in

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every...

After seeing a co-worker win the Powerball, my retirement plan has changed.

It's back to $20 million.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

One day a man was walking on a beach

He saw a bottle lying in the sand, so he picked it up and brushed the sand off. He uncorked the bottle and a genie popped out.

The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your boss will get double."

The man thought for a while and said, "For my first ...

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Sonny Liston fights Muhammed Ali, takes a dive, loses and a few years later dies and goes to hell

He wakes up in hell and is greeted by the Devil holding a clipboard. The Devil puts him in a room with millions of small cardboard boxes full of small broken sticks with red tips.

"Liston, you have to spend all eternity repairing the contents of these boxes. We always give the new arrivals a ...

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

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Deborah met with her friend Judy one Sunday afternoon, and Deborah began talking about her husband's new favorite pastime

"Oh yes," said Deborah with the grandest smile on her face, "everything has been so much better between Henry and I ever since he joined his 'Swingers Club'!"

Judy's utter shock forced her to spit out all the tea she was sipping on, and she tried to form a proper response as her mind became s...

My girlfriend said I'm one in a million.

Then she told me to go outside and wait till she calls my number.

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A congressman's son asks his sister "what's the difference between theory and practice?"

She goes to their father and asks "hey dad, would you take a 10 million dollars donation to vote against a gun control law?"

"Yes, I think I can do a lot of good with this kind of money" the father replies.

"Now see?" she says to her brother, "In theory, we are multi millionaires. In p...

My buddy and I have been working at this company for several years

We thought everything was going great. Numbers were up, sales were soaring! But one day our boss announced that the entire company was being bought out by some company in Spain.

“What?!” I exclaimed to my friend. “This is so out of the blue! Never in a million years could I have seen this com...

Genie will grant you one ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a milli...

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

A man walks into a bar...

Carrying a box. He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices that there is music coming from inside the box so he asks the man about it. The man opens the box and inside is a tiny and playing a tiny piano. The bartender says "That's amazing! Where did you fond gim?" The man says...

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

How to get 10 million followers instantly

Take a water bottle and run through Africa

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"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

A man is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and is at the million dollar question.

The question is "which of these birds doesn't build its own nest? a.the cuckoo b. the sparrow c. the eagle or d. the red-tailed hawk. He only has "phone a friend left", so he calls his friend and repeats the question. His friend immediately says it's the cuckoo. The guy asks if he's sure and he says...

Around 50 million years ago, whales lived on land. Until some of them decided to go back to the sea.

The rest of them stayed on land and became yo mumma

You're one in a million...

...a solid 0.00001 out of 10.

People keep asking me how I made my first million. Its very simple:

I converted my change into zimbabwean dollars.

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

A man is driving home after a long day at work.

Frustrated by another day working for his insufferable boss, he fails to notice a pothole and blows a tire. Stranded on the side of the road, he begins to drag out his spare when suddenly a genie appears next to him.

“Greetings, mortal.” The genie says. “I have taken pity on you, and will th...

I just found out I'm a millionaire!

I converted my paycheck to rubles.

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.



Bonus Joke;

### Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

What do we want? Jokes we've heard a million times! When do we want them?

Impatient cow

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If I had one million dollars, I'd pay your mom to have sex with me.

Afterward, I would probably invest the remaining nine hundred ninty nine thousand nine hundred ninty nine dollars

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

What's the fastest way to become a Millionaire?

Be a Billionaire and invade Ukraine.



>NK Lukoil PAO
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Free speech in China

Here is a joke I posted on r/Sino that got me banned from there:

A liberal Western bourgeois bohemian meets with a capitalist Chinese Maoist Communist in a bar. The Western liberal brags to the Chinese communist that in her country, she has so much free speech that she can stream videos to m...

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Jeff, we got a Problem!

Man finds magical lamp.
Man rubs lamp.
Genie emerges.

Genie (bored monotoned voice required) : I am a genie. As you probably know I bestow wishes. There are a few ground rules. No wishing for reviving the dead, No wishing to fall in love, and you only get 3 wishes, so no wishing for li...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

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Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

How do you make Turkish coffee?

You grind up 1.5 million Armenian coffee beans and lie about it for a century.

A genie tells a man he gets four things, but his wife gets double it.

The first thing he wants is a million-dollar life insurance policy.

The genie says ok, but your wife gets a two-million-dollar policy.

Then, he asks for a new car.

Ok, but your wife gets two.

Then, he asks for an 8 bedroom house.

Finally, he asks to be beaten hal...

My friend told me he once got stoned and licked a million guys nuts.

He was very high per ball lick.

Putin once said: “I really like 50 cent”

“Or as we call him in Russia, 4 million ruble”.

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Hitler dies and meets god

God: You lead a terrible life. You slaughtered millions of people. You deserve to go to the darkest pits of hell.

Hitler: Okay, but can you just honor a wish of mine before I go to hell?

God: What's the wish?

Hitler: I want you to send the hero who killed me, to heaven.

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A man walks into a bar

He orders a drink and the bartender serves him. The man said "hey, if I show you something really cool, can I have free drinks for the night?" The bartender says, "if you can impress me, then we have a deal".

The man pulls out a box and opens it. Inside was a dwarf who was a foot tall and a m...

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

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