1000 Jokes - 84 Hilarious 1000 Jokes

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get .

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store

His dad replies “1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?”

What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000

Girls must buy $1000 purses just to impress other girls...

No guy has ever said " Bro, she was ugly...but that purse..."

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

What do you call a $1000 door?

A grand entrance

The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles an hour

However, humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the 9th or 10th beer.

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pi...

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have with me?" he asks.

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."

"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"

"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."

So the man sh...

My girlfriend borrowed 1000$ from me and returned 1000$ after 3 years when we separated.

I lost interest in our relationship.

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

What do you call a 1000 rabbit stepping backwards?

A receding hare line!

Tap snare!

Why was 1000 afraid of 0111

0111
1000
1001

I hope this joke gains traction when machines takes over the world

1000 men were recently surveyed about women..

10% of men liked women with thin legs.

19% liked muscular legs.

The rest liked something in between.

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

Which is heavier - 1000 kg of steel or 1000 kg of feathers?

Your mom.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

I saw a stain that was 1000 years old

It was ancient grease.

You’ve heard of 1000 Ways to Die, well here’s 1000 ways to lie:

It actually just one.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?

An army.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

I burned 1000 calories today...

Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

When I was buying a male deer for $1000, the salesman offered me a female deer for only $20 more.

I went ahead and bought it because it was a great bang for the buck.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

If you had invested $1000 in JP Morgan in 1882, today you'll be

D E A D

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1000 Years.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory.

The first man had an addiction to . St. Peter took this man to a room,...

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

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A Boss Offered His Secretary $1000 For

A boss said to his secretary I Want to have
with you and I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the ﬂoor, by the time
you bend down to pick it, I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called
her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it<...

Apparently it took Thomas Edison 1000 attempts to make the lightbulb.

Damn, he would have gone through some dark times.

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I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch

A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..

From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.

"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"

The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:

"One Ukrainian soldier can take ou...

I posted ten puns here to see which would receive 1000 upvotes

No pun in ten did.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window an...

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A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

I ordered 1000 kg of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

What do 1000 animated zombies eat?

Fraaaaaaames....

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I dipped my balls in some 1000 island dressing

because I have depression

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Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter

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I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of !

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

What do you call a man with 1000 pennies?

A man with a lot of common cents.

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:

One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear...

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

The difference between retroactive and radioactive is what happened when my neighbor got a power bill with $1000 of retroactive charges.

She's marching around the front yard with a shotgun. I pity the first power company truck that drives by.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1000 letters?

Post office.

A Man is selling his car for £1000

His friend has been discussing it with him and finally makes him an offer of £1000 less 10%.

The man isn't the best at Maths, so tells his friend that he will think about it as a cover up.

He is in the pub later that night having a swift half, when he decides to ask the barmaid for som...

I received a warning at work for poor performance.

We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack \[the boss's son\] has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

I got the warning for my performance being below average.

I told them "That's just mean"

Three women have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven...

A ginger, a brunette, and a blonde have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven. At every step, God tells them a joke, and if they laugh, they go to hell.

The ginger goes first, gets to the 156th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.

The brunette goes second, gets to the 548th ste...

Two sisters get $1000 inheritance

They own a ranch with about 100 cows but no bull. They decide to use their inheritance to get a bull so they can expand their ranch. The first sister drives a few towns over to buy the best prize bull in the state but it costs $999. She buys it anyway, knowing that she will only have one dollar left...

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My girlfriend told me that if I get 1000 upvotes then we’ll try

paca riding lesson during the holidays. I think it’ll be fun!

Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company’s testing facility.

The Who let the dogs out.

My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19.

Apparently they're SoCal distancing.

What is red and green and goes 1000 mph?

A frog in a blender.

What's the difference between a tire and 1000 used condoms?

One is a good year and the other is a great year.

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going o...

I just donated $1000 to a blind children’s charity

Not like the kids will see any of it.

Q. What's the downside to having 1000 grams?

A. The pinches on the cheeks get old real fast.

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£1000 for the new iPhone X?

Hope airplane mode takes me on holiday.

What is 1000 laughs called?

A gigglehert

$1000 Dollars Part 2

A woman is in the shower, and hears a ringing of the doorbell. Since her husband is not home she puts on a towel and goes to answer the doorbell. She finds her neighbor standing there. His expression shows he expected her husband, not a woman wearing only a towel, and he hesitates. A moment passes, ...

My new 1000 watt sound system is great!

I can control the volume of my neighbor's banging on my door.

There are over 1000 presidential candidates...

No seriously, there [are...](http://www.fec.gov/press/resources/2016presidential_form2nm.shtml)

Some of the names are awesome and jokes themselves

^Which ^is ^why ^I ^added ^this ^to ^r/jokes

A Chinese lawyer decides to go into the hospital business and has a sign outside of his practice that says, “GET CURED PAY 50 DOLLARS, UNCURED I PAY YOU 1000 DOLLARS”

A lawyer sees this sign and thinks it is a good way to get some money. He goes to the doctor and says, “help, I have lost my sense of taste”

the doctor says, ”OK, the Moutai will cure this”

the lawyer says, “ugh, this is kerosene”

”congrats, your sense of taste is restored. give...

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