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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

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My wife says if this post gets a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

I saw an oil stain that was 1000 years old

It was ancient grease.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pi...

Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company’s testing facility.

The Who let the dogs out.

I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing.

I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.

If you had invested $1000 in JP Morgan in 1882, today you'll be

D E A D

King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

Three rich guys bury a friend.

First guy throws a $1000 bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws $5000 behind it.
All of them look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check for over 100 grand, throws it in the co...

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A professional assassin charged $1000 a bullet....

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best f...

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

What do you call a cult that's been around for 1000s of years?

Culture

Does this qualify for NSFW?

This old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

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I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch

One drunk says to their drinking partner, "I want to sleep with 1000 people before I reach 30!" The other lush slurs…

"Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first!"

I forgot to save my new book, “1000 Ways to Cure an Itch” before my computer died.

Guess I’m starting again from scratch.

My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19.

Apparently they're SoCal distancing.

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

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Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe ...

A small airplane crashes into the ground in a small town, and some curious locals go to the crash site to see what happened.

Some of the locals start digging to see if there are any survivors trapped in the plane.

A few hours in, they give up the search and one of the locals goes back to his house and tells his wife what happened.

He tells his wife that there were over 1000 bodies found in the crash site, bu...

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A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

Why was 1000 afraid of 0111

0111
1000
1001

I hope this joke gains traction when machines takes over the world

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

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An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

An Englishman an Irishman, and a Scotsman go to a pub ...

An Englishman an Irishman, and a Scotsman go to a pub, before they order their drinks a Brash American millionaire introduced himself "Hey there guys! You look like you can handle your drink, tell you what, the first one to drink 15 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes gets $1000!"

The three men t...

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

On their last day, a group of tourists traveling around Australia decide to go to a souvenir shop.

Everyone’s shopping for cool stuff until one lady stops and wonders why two absolutely identical wallets cost $100 and $1000 respectively. To which the owner replies, “They may look identical to you, Madam, but the 100-dollar wallet is made of crocodile skin, whereas the 1000-dollar one is made of c...

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A pothead, a math teacher, and a gym teacher all go to heaven.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself. The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell. The gym teacher ask...

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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

T‌‌he Trump f‌‌amily i‌‌s f‌‌lying f‌‌rom N‌‌ew Y‌‌ork t‌‌o D‌‌C.

Donald l‌‌ooks d‌‌own o‌‌n t‌‌he c‌‌ities b‌‌elow a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ll t‌‌hrow a‌‌ $‌‌1000 b‌‌ill o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake s‌‌ome A‌‌merican h‌‌appy"

Melanie s‌‌ays, "‌‌Oh h‌‌oney w‌‌hy n‌‌ot t‌‌hrow t‌‌en $‌‌100 b‌‌ills a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌0 A‌‌mericans h‌‌appy?"
...

A bar was hosting the ‘Unbeatable’ bucking bronco with a $1000 prize for anyone that lasted more than 7 seconds without being bucked off

The night had seen all comers dispatched off the bull with ease, when a scrawny little man stepped up.

The bull started its revolutions - 1, 2, 3, 4 seconds - most expected him to come off.

5, 6 seconds - the crowd takes notice and starts cheering him on as he hangs on for dear life. <...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

A Chinese lawyer decides to go into the hospital business and has a sign outside of his practice that says, “GET CURED PAY 50 DOLLARS, UNCURED I PAY YOU 1000 DOLLARS”

A lawyer sees this sign and thinks it is a good way to get some money. He goes to the doctor and says, “help, I have lost my sense of taste”

the doctor says, ”OK, the Moutai will cure this”

the lawyer says, “ugh, this is kerosene”

”congrats, your sense of taste is restored. give...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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A recent study shows women don't want to have sex nowadays

1000 in 1000 told me so.

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office.
He goes there with his lawyer.
Income Tax Officer (ITO) : You are so old, and live such a lavish life. We doubt your sources of income and hence have been called here

Old Man: I gamble
ITO: I think you are lying, prove it.

Old Man: ...

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

The Three Wishes

A woman gets three wishes, BUT, says the Genie, for everything you wish, your husband will be granted your wish times 1000. She says, “I would like to be beautiful.” The Genie grants her wish, and says, you are beautiful, but your husband is the most handsome man alive. She says, “I would like to be...

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

What do you call a $1000 door?

A grand entrance

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A guy walks in to a brothel and puts $1000 down on the table. He then says to the madame "I want your ugliest girl and macaroni and cheese."

The madame replies "for that kind of money, you can have one of our finest girls and a three course gourmet meal." The guy replies "Sorry honey, I'm not horny, just home sick."

I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today...

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

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My girlfriend told me that if I get 1000 upvotes then we’ll try anal

paca riding lesson during the holidays. I think it’ll be fun!

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my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes

My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

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Two Irishmen on Connor's Pass...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owne...

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A man asked his friend: "What does 1000 Hz sound like?"

His friend rudely replied: "Fuck off."

One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and con...

A kid just finished writing his paper for class

He typed the title “1000 Ways To Cure An Itch” to finish it off. Right as he was about to hit save the screen went black. Surprised, he did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work. After a few minutes the boys dad walks in and says “The power went out.”

“What do yo...

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Husband and Wife

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for Peni$es. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his ...

My girlfriend borrowed 1000$ from me and returned 1000$ after 3 years when we separated.

I lost interest in our relationship.

Two Newfoundlanders Travel to Toronto

Two Newfoundlanders, Jimmy and Dave, are out of work, so they decide to move to Toronto to find jobs. They scrounge up every last cent they have for the trip and find they have $1000 between them to get started.

As soon as they get to Toronto, they see a sign in a shop window that says "Suits...

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1000 letters?

Post office.

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me

A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger,

All three girls die at the same time and at the staircase to heaven the angel says "okay on every step is a joke and if you can go up all 1000 steps you will go to heaven but if you laugh you will go down to hell."

So the brunette says "sounds easy" but when she makes it's to the 100th step s...

A cop stopped a car and said, “Congrats you just won $1000 for wearing your seatbelt!”

He replies,”Do u think I’m good enough to get a license?” Then a woman in the passenger seat said,”Don’t listen to him, he becomes a smartass when he’s drunk.” Someone else in the backseat says,”I knew we wouldn’t get too far with a stolen car.” Finally a knock comes from the trunk and someone says,...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

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A guy sitting at a bar..

After his second drink Says to the bartender I bet you 500 bucks I could piss in that cup over there and not miss a drop. The bartender agrees and set the mug down a few feet away, the man stands on stool and begins to pee perfectly into the mug, not missing one drop. The bartender was amazed. Deter...

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

I'm not sure why everyone is so shocked at Apple's $1000 monitor stand

Just seems like typical Apple grandstanding to me

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

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Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter

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I dipped my balls in some 1000 island dressing

because I have depression

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I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.

On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

What kind of piano can you buy with $1000?

A Grand Piano.

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A young boy is asking his father how he got so rich in the stock market.

The father says, “well son, I do a lot of careful research. I find a stock that is solid, has a lot of promise, has good people behind it, and I take $100 and invest $100 in that stock. Then I take $1000 and short sell that same stock with the $1000.”

The son says, “how does that make any sen...

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A Boss Offered His Secretary $1000 For Sex

A boss said to his secretary I Want to have
sex with you and I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time
you bend down to pick it, I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called
her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it<...

I used to be a researcher for a hard drive manufacturer. I was the first person ever to fit 1000 megabytes into an SSD. Looking back...

It was a solid gig.

They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

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A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

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What do you call 1000 couples having an orgy?

A metric fuck ton.

If I got $1000 every time I did someone a favor

I could be mistaken for a politician

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

What do you call a man with 1000 pennies?

A man with a lot of common cents.

A new father is sitting down with his dad for a drink.

His dad tells him, "Now that you're a father, it's time I give you something very special." He replies, "Dad, you're not talking about-." His father interrupts, "Yes. It's time." With this he hands his son a copy of '1000 Dad Jokes, 1st Edition'. His son says with a tear in his eye, "Dad, I'm honore...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

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A drunk man driving is stopped by a police control

The drunk man says, "officer take this but don't take my car " and hands the police officer 100 dollars

After some minutes again the same guy finds another police control, same thing again 100 bucks and he lets him go

2 minutes driving and again police control, 100 bucks and good to go...

I just donated $1000 to a blind children’s charity

Not like the kids will see any of it.

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I have a math exam

My mom said she will give me 200$ if I pass.

My dad said he will give me 500$ if I pass.



I'm gonna get 1000$ after passing that easy exam,Wish me luck.

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