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On Board Jokes

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, " I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane

The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , " I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smar...

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot

And directly hit my car.


This dude has pretty serious issues with pulling out.

When Canadians work on board cruise ships,

they need to get a document from the Canadian government called a Seaman’s Discharge Book.

Which is useless because all the pages are stuck together..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On board an aircraft carrier there are 3 generals, one American, one Russian and one British...

Suddenly, just for bragging rights, the American general says

"American soldiers are the bravest. Look! Smith, jump into the sea, swim around the vessel and come back!".

Smith jumps in to the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier, and jumps back. The American general looks at the ot...

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?

DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.

DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who was absolutely obsessed with trains one day finally stole one and immediately crashed it, killing several people on board.

At the trial, he is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before facing his death sentence, he's offered one last meal, and requests a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch... but nothing ha...

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

I tried taking my unruly child on a flight to Kansas and they wouldn't let me put him in the hold? I had to take him on board with me.

He's carry-on, my wayward son.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

What printers do they use on board the Enterprise?

Hewlett Pickards

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”

I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

The sticker says " Baby on board"

Lesson learned, never put it on a non pregnant woman's belly

What did the driver say after ramming into baby on board

Don't worry, the baby is no longer on board.

Russian prime minister Mishustin comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he tells me he had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"I...

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A captain brought his daughter on board of his ship...

and forbid every sailor to have sex with her. He didn't tell any of his crew, but he put razor blades in his daughter vagina for safety measures because he didn't trust anyone of them. Each week, the captain will check the dick of his sailor and kill everybody who's dick missing.

So the first...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

How did NASA decide to keep the ships warm on board?

Space heaters

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on board a pirate ship...

The captain takes him and says, "Son, for your first task, I want you to tie up all the sails to get them ready to head to sea." and the kid says, "That'll take all day! Can you help?" And the captain says, "Well, I'll be in the bathroom when you do it." And the pirate says, "Are you serious?" And t...

Whenever I see a “Baby On Board” Bumper sticker, I think to myself..

The driver is either a really paranoid parent. Or a really clever child abductor.

Apparently German U-boat crews used to have dogs on board as mascots.

They were subwoofers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

Did you hear about the rental boat that didn't allow dogs or women on board?

It was called the Cat-or-a-Man Catamaran.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

Apparently the Titanic had a lot of condiments on board

The ketchup and mustard werr carried off on the life rafts and people ate it while they were waiting for help. But one condiment was left behind... it was discovered slightly less than a month later at the bottom of the sea. Mexico suffered greatly from the loss and decided to commemorate the day ev...

I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat

Just hit subscribe.

FINALLY!. a reddit meme that everyone of all political persuasions can get on board with.

Unless of course you are a doctor.

A lot more happened on board the Titanic than you might think.

The movie just touched on the tip of the iceberg.

The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board

From the back a guy shouts "I'm a vegan!"

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by...

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board.

While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks,

"Pig #1, do you know your mission?"

The pig replies, "Oink oink Houston. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."

Then NASA Control asks the second pi...

Seen on a gas station board

What is a ghostly turkey called?

A poultry-geist

An elementary teacher, middle manager, and lawyer die and go to heaven...

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and explains that to get in they each have to answer one question correctly.

The teacher goes first. St. Peter says "What was the name of the famous ship that sank after striking an iceberg in 1912?"

"The Titanic!"

"Right, off you go." T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is going down and everyone on board is coming to grips with the fact that they're going to die...

The inside of the cabin is eerily calm while all the passengers ponder whether they have lived fulfilling lives.

Suddenly, a homely woman jumps up and says "I'm 33 year old virgin! I have lived an empty life, and I ask if anyone on this plane can please, please, before I die, make me feel li...

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

You walk across a bridge and see a boat filled with people but there isn't a single person on board. How is this possible?

All the people on the boat are married

A magician worked on a cruise ship...

.....the audience was different each week so the
magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot
saw the shows each week and began to understand
how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the ...

Noah and the snakes

According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.

The snakes told Noah “We can’t multiply, we’re adders.”

Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and ...

A plane was about to crash, and a woman stood up, took off her top, and exclaimed "Before this plane goes down, is there a man on board who will make me feel like a woman before I die!?"

A man stood up, took off his shirt and threw it at her, and said

"Here, iron this!"

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

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