I just competed in the suntanning olympics

but I only got bronze.

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a cha...

What do Olympic runners eat before running?

Nothing cause they fast

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

Went to the Olympic games today

I met a man carrying a long pole.


I asked him
"are you pole vaulter?"

He replied
"no, I'm German, and how did you know my name was Walter?"

What do you call an ape that wins at the Olympics?

A Chimpion!

If the Olympics ever added pinball...

I'd put my money on the Deaf, Dumb and Blind Kid.

What do you call an Olympic skateboarder?

An Ollie-mpian.

Olympic fencing is like r/Jokes

You can score big with a good riposte!

Where do Olympic Gymnasts Go to Drink?

Uneven bars.

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

Being Asian at the Olympics

Child: Wins Bronze

Parent: Could have won silver


Child: Wins Silver

Parent: Could have won gold


Child: Wins Gold

Parent: Could have broken the World Record (WR)


Child: Broke WR

Parent: Could have been a Doctor

What is your favourite Olympic sport ?

Discus.

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Why did Japan not host the original Olympics?

Cos they always blur out the best parts.

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

What Olympic event did Lady Godiva compete?

Equestrian: the undressage

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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Olympian

An old man goes up to a prostitute. He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening another old man approa...

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

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A woman goes to see the doctor with complaints of a low sex drive.

She tells the Dr “My husband wants me to get medicine so I’ll want sex as much as he does”, Doc tell her no problem he will give her the same hormone pills the Olympic weightlifting team uses . He confidently explains, “all of them want to have sex multiple times a day”

2 months later the wom...

Which is the most tragic Olympics story?

A gymnast walks into a bar.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?

Because everyone there, who knows how to run, jump or swim is already in the US.

((Sorry my Mexican friends))

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to avery n...

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

The Olympic skier Picabo Street made headlines by donating enough money to build a new hospital.

To thank her they named a wing of the hospital after her. The Picabo ICU.

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From “THE SMURFS OLYMPICS” by Peyo

On a bright day, a Smurf decides to go fishing. He picks up his pole but stops at the door. “Wait a minute,” he says. “When I walk through the door, Farmer Smurf will say, ‘So you’re going fishing, Smurf?’ And the Smurfs at the pond will all ask if they’re biting.’ And when I get home with no f...

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Olympic Weightlifting joke

Why would you want to date a weightlifter over a powerlifter?

The weightlifter has a good clean, jerk, and has an incredible snatch!

Olympic bilateral amputee Oscar Pistorius lost his appeal for the crime of murder. The Judge said...

He didn't have a leg to stand on.

At the Olympics, a guy walks past a group of spectators, carrying a long pole.

One of the onlookers says to the guy, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The guy responds, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

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I entered the sex Olympics for team GB...

Yeah, it's a real thing you know. Anyway, I was team GB's first ever entrant in the endurance category. I trained really hard for the event and put my all in. I'm proud to say that I'm the first ever Briton to come first and last in the same event.

There was once a rich politician (long)

He had everything you could possibly want: countless wealth, endless land, and a beautiful mansion. But he also had an 18-year-old daughter, and she had not yet found a suitable husband.

To ensure that his daughter would find the right man to marry, he conducted a test. He invited every young...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

Why aren't there many North Koreans in the Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, swim, or jump is in South Korea

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

Have you heard about the Olympics in 2020?

Me neither

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Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

What's the difference between the Special Olympics and the 2020 US election?

~~Everyone cheers the winners of the Special Olympics.~~

Venue.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Why is it a bad idea for Bangkok to hold the Olympics?

Because all of the events will end with Thais.

Why is suntanning not an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Olympic Gold medalist Picabo Street retired from sports to work in the hospital. A doctor has a patient in need of intensive care and cannot find her.

The doctor calls her station and she answers, "Picabo, ICU."

I was really close to eating in the cafeteria at the Olympics.

Too bad I fell right at the Finnish line.

A guy walks through the Olympic Village

And comes across an athlete with a big stick on his shoulder.

The first guy asks "Are you a pole vaulter?"

The athlete says "No, I am a German and don't call me Walter!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

Why did Donald Trump watch the Olympics ?

To see how tall the Mexicans can pole vault.

The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.

What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who would only counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

When the France 1924 Olympics were held...

...did they compete in Oui Sports?

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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

What do a Priest and an Olympic Silver Medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

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Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

Why don't procrastinators make it to the Olympics?

Because they only allow amateurcrastinators.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend announced that he's going to compete in the sex Olympics this year.

He's competing in the bi-athlon.

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

What's better then winning gold at the para-olympic?

Walking

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

Tokyo 2020 Olympics would be the longest Olympics we'll ever witness.

Imagine having to go through every athlete's story arc complete with motivational flashbacks and training montages. Plus there will be people on the bench discussing the play-by-play.

Trump says that the Special Olympics will still be funded despite DeVos' plan.

This is presumably so Eric and Don Jr can still compete.

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There's a party in the Olympic Village one night...

... and from across the room, a sprinter sees a diver talking to the most beautiful woman that he has ever laid eyes on. Later in the evening, the sprinter approaches the diver to ask about her.

"I just can't get her out of my head!" the sprinter says. "I have to sleep with her! Who is she?"<...

Why do they have changing rooms in the Special Olympics?

Because vegetables are better with dressing.

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