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Olympic Jokes

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

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Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is...

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what ...

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

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Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a cha...

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I took an Olympic sprinter to a shooting range.

Poor bastard had no idea which direction to run in.

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

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Theres a wrestler training for the Olympic games.

Trainer trained him hard. Ran 10 miles a day. The day of the Olympics came and he was in amazing physical condition. First guy he had to fight was a German. He beat him. Next was an Australian beat him, the French beat them.

Last guy he had to fight was a great big hairy Russian. The co...

Sigmund Freud was an Olympic Gold Medalist

He took home the medal for Mental Gymnastics.

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?

She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.

When asked how I got into olympic diving as a career I always reply:

Just sort of fell into it, really.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

I just competed in the suntanning olympics

but I only got bronze.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

What's the main rule of the Insomnia Olympics?

You snooze, You lose

I brought home some Olympic condoms.

I told my wife i was going to use the gold one. She said: "Maybe try the silver one, so you can finish second for once!"
I'm still gold baby!

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

What do you call an Olympic skateboarder?

An Ollie-mpian.

What do Olympic runners eat before running?

Nothing cause they fast

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

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Last time I had sex, it felt like the 100m Olympic final.

There were 8 black men and a gun.

If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.

Which Olympic sport does Russia score highest in?

The javelin catch.

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

An interesting fact about karl marx and Olympics

Karl Marx had a sister named Onya that was an Olympic athlete. She is still honored today, her name is invoked at the start of every foot race.

What Olympic sport will Ukrainians always beat Russian in?

The javelin thrown.

Olympic fencing is like r/Jokes

You can score big with a good riposte!

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is in the US

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Olympic Weightlifting joke

Why would you want to date a weightlifter over a powerlifter?

The weightlifter has a good clean, jerk, and has an incredible snatch!

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry

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In the Olympics, we should allow the athletes to take as many drugs as possible.

Fuck it, I want to see how high they can jump!

According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.

I believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

Which is the most tragic Olympics story?

A gymnast walks into a bar.

What Olympic event did Lady Godiva compete?

Equestrian: the undressage

Where does the Georgian Olympic team train their cyclists?

In the Sakartvelo-drome

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics?

It was dope

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

What Olympic event that involves throwing should be eliminated?

Discuss

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Why did Japan not host the original Olympics?

Cos they always blur out the best parts.

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

I am a little worried about the future of the sport of Olympic skiing.

It’s just going downhill.

Fast.

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the Beijing Olympics.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

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Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

Catholic priest and an Olympic silver medalist

What do a catholic priest and an olympic silver medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

Nathan Chen won the figure skating gold at the olympics over the weekend

The judges rated his performance a perfect Chen out of Chen

Melissa Caddick tried out for the Australian Olympic Javelin team.

She made a good effort on the day of her trial, but her final effort fell a foot short.

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

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There's a party in the Olympic Village one night...

... and from across the room, a sprinter sees a diver talking to the most beautiful woman that he has ever laid eyes on. Later in the evening, the sprinter approaches the diver to ask about her.

"I just can't get her out of my head!" the sprinter says. "I have to sleep with her! Who is she?"<...

Thirty-second olympics postponed.

I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds?

A guy walks through the Olympic Village

And comes across an athlete with a big stick on his shoulder.

The first guy asks "Are you a pole vaulter?"

The athlete says "No, I am a German and don't call me Walter!"

What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?

You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.

Olympics

So I heard there was a Bi-athlon event, how many men and women do I need to sleep with to qualify?

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

What is a Mexican's favorite Olympic event?

Cross country

If lazyness was an olympic sport

I would not have have signed up for it. Too much hazzle

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

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My wife and I have Olympic sex

Once every two years

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

I stopped at the bar after work the other day...

...and there were three doctors at a table slamming drinks.

They were bragging about their best surgeries ever.

The first doctor said listen up. "One time a guy came in who was in a terrible wood cutting accident.

The guy lost his right arm, but I sewed him up in 3 hours. Now h...

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

Olympic bilateral amputee Oscar Pistorius lost his appeal for the crime of murder. The Judge said...

He didn't have a leg to stand on.

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

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I entered the sex Olympics for team GB...

Yeah, it's a real thing you know. Anyway, I was team GB's first ever entrant in the endurance category. I trained really hard for the event and put my all in. I'm proud to say that I'm the first ever Briton to come first and last in the same event.

What do you call an ape that wins at the Olympics?

A Chimpion!

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver?

Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows


Yeah, I know it's old....

What did the Russian Olympic medal winners prove?

There was Russian medaling.

What's better then winning gold at the para-olympic?

Walking

When the France 1924 Olympics were held...

...did they compete in Oui Sports?

My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

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My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling...

Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

Olympics Ticket

To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.

If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bri...

Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?

Because he was Snow'den.

There should be a Olympic sport just for women

Name it “500m jump to conclusions”

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Hear about the blonde who won a gold medal in the Olympics?

She had it bronzed.

Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who would only counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

What's Trump's favorite Olympic sport?

Fencing!

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

Olympic curling seems like the kind of game...

Mr. Miyagi would have invented to trick Daniel into sweeping his floors.

Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold

Finland have taken silver

Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

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Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

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