If laziness was an Olympic sport

I would've placed 4th so I wouldn't have to climb the winners' stairs

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."

Why is it a bad idea for Bangkok to hold the Olympics?

Because all of the events will end with Thais.

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

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Hitler got so pissed at the 1936 Berlin Olympics

He decided to finish the race himself.

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

Why doesn't Mexico perform well in the Olympics?

Because anyone who can swim, jump, climb, or sprint is already over the border.

Why is suntanning not an Olympic sport?

Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

What's better then winning gold at the para-olympic?

Walking

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

Thirty-second olympics postponed.

I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds?

Olympic Gold medalist Picabo Street retired from sports to work in the hospital. A doctor has a patient in need of intensive care and cannot find her.

The doctor calls her station and she answers, "Picabo, ICU."

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

Why is Mexico so bad at the olympics

Because everybody who can run, jump and swim is in America

What do a Priest and an Olympic Silver Medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

Have you heard about the Olympics in 2020?

Me neither

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

A guy walks through the Olympic Village

And comes across an athlete with a big stick on his shoulder.

The first guy asks "Are you a pole vaulter?"

The athlete says "No, I am a German and don't call me Walter!"

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

Why don't procrastinators make it to the Olympics?

Because they only allow amateurcrastinators.

Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

Why does Mexico never win gold in the Olympics?

Because the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are already in America

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

What was the most practiced Olympic sport in the late 1920s?

Defenestration.

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

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Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

Why do they have changing rooms in the Special Olympics?

Because vegetables are better with dressing.

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

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Last time I had sex, it felt like the Olympic 100m final.

8 black men and a gun

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

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3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who was famous for his devastating counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Boudreaux won the gold medal in Olympic pirogue racing

His mama was so proud she had it bronzed.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and sli...

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

I was gonna tell you a joke about an Olympic fencer, but it’s gonna get deleted...

It was just a riposte anyway.

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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

If pessimism was a Olympic sport

I would still not win it.

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

Why did Donald Trump watch the Olympics ?

To see how tall the Mexicans can pole vault.

What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?

So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.

Trump says that the Special Olympics will still be funded despite DeVos' plan.

This is presumably so Eric and Don Jr can still compete.

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An Irish swimmer, A British swimmer and an American swimmer were at the Olympics

The American asks

"What's your favourite stroke?
"Mines the butterfly"

The British swimmer says

"The backstroke"

The Irish swimmer says

"Margaret Thatcher's"

We learned today that Trump blocked a proposed budget change that would have eliminated finding for the Special Olympics.

He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

There should be a Olympic sport just for women

Name it “500m jump to conclusions”

Why does Mexico suck at the Olympics?

Because every Mexican who is good at running, jumping and swimming all went to the United States.

What would be the main event at the immigrant olympics?

Cross country.

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

If lazyness was an olympic sport

I would not have have signed up for it. Too much hazzle

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

Betsy Devos wants to defund the Special Olympics

Talk about kicking someone when they’re Downs

Work has already begun in preparation for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles

Mostly by ISIS

Olympics

So I heard there was a Bi-athlon event, how many men and women do I need to sleep with to qualify?

What do they use to track Olympic swimmers’ speed?

A speedo meter.

Whats Better than winning gold at the special olympics?.........

ICECREAM

What was the Scooby-Gang considered after the Olympics?

Gold-Medllists

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

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There's a party in the Olympic Village one night...

... and from across the room, a sprinter sees a diver talking to the most beautiful woman that he has ever laid eyes on. Later in the evening, the sprinter approaches the diver to ask about her.

"I just can't get her out of my head!" the sprinter says. "I have to sleep with her! Who is she?"<...

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

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Olympic wrestling

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler named Ole were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold h...

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

Why has Africa never won gold at the olympics?

Because Africa isn't a country.


Geez man, no need to be racist.

An English athlete, a French athlete, and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

"Don't get me wrong," says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea."

"You Englishmen," snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest p...

A question asked to the Olympic boxing team regarding the dangers of their sport.

10% responded that boxing is dangerous to health, the remaining 90% did not understand the question.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?

You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.

If getting ordinary words confused with types of mushrooms was an Olympic sport...

I'd be world champignon.

For the next Olympic Equestrian contest, they are renaming the “Show Jumping” event.

They are calling it Sarah Jessica Parkour.

What is white and in the Olympic 100 metre track final?

The lines.

What was the Olympic runner doing in bed?

He was fast asleep.

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My wife and I have Olympic sex

Once every two years

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My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling...

Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

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Neymar is going to participate in the 2020 Olympics

He’s Brazil’s next star in the Diving competition.

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Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is...

What happens when you don't make the summer Olympics?

You luge.

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I used to have a girlfriend from Germany

She was really into the Olympics and she would actually rate me on my performance in bed. The best I ever did, was the night I slipped it into her butt. She kept screaming 9! 9! 9!

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

Banned

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40.

If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

What was the best part of the Pyeongchang Olympic figure skating?

The Koreagraphy.

Olympic curling seems like the kind of game...

Mr. Miyagi would have invented to trick Daniel into sweeping his floors.

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