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Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a cha...

My girlfriend and I were shopping today. We saw that Trojan had designed Olympic sponsored Condoms? I told here we had to buy some...

What's so special about them?

They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.

And what color are you going to wear tonight?

Gold, obviously!

Why not Silver? It'd be great if you could come second for a change.

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

What Olympic sport will Ukrainians always beat Russian in?

The javelin thrown.

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?

She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.

I just competed in the suntanning olympics

but I only got bronze.

I am a little worried about the future of the sport of Olympic skiing.

It’s just going downhill.

Fast.

What is Russia's favorite olympic sport?

Cross-country

According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.

I believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is in the US

Nathan Chen won the figure skating gold at the olympics over the weekend

The judges rated his performance a perfect Chen out of Chen

Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics?

It was dope

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the Beijing Olympics.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ...

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Scientists now believe that the success of the Olympics depends almost entirely on the 100m dash.

They call it the critical race theory.

What do you call an Olympic skateboarder?

An Ollie-mpian.

What do Olympic runners eat before running?

Nothing cause they fast

Olympic fencing is like r/Jokes

You can score big with a good riposte!

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

Where does the Georgian Olympic team train their cyclists?

In the Sakartvelo-drome

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

A woman's swim team competitor was really upset by her recent loss at the Olympics.

It was during the breast stroke competition when she came in fourth place. She complained the other women were cheating because they were using their arms.

What Olympic event did Lady Godiva compete?

Equestrian: the undressage

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

What do you call an ape that wins at the Olympics?

A Chimpion!

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Why did Japan not host the original Olympics?

Cos they always blur out the best parts.

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

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My wife said she wanted to have Olympic Sex and I got all excited by the phrase so I said yes honey, what does it involve?

Once every four years.

The Olympic skier Picabo Street made headlines by donating enough money to build a new hospital.

To thank her they named a wing of the hospital after her. The Picabo ICU.

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

The one about the quickly wed couple

So a man, lets call him Dan, meets this girl, we'll call her Stacy, on a blind date. They hit it off right away and chat the night away. Well they go on another date, this one went even better than the last, Dan's heart flutters every time he thinks of her. So then Dan asks her on a third date and t...

Outrageous!

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out fou...

Hear about the blonde who won a gold medal in the Olympics?

She had it bronzed.

What did one Olympics aspirant said to other?

See you at the Gabba mate.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

Melissa Caddick tried out for the Australian Olympic Javelin team.

She made a good effort on the day of her trial, but her final effort fell a foot short.

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Olympic Weightlifting joke

Why would you want to date a weightlifter over a powerlifter?

The weightlifter has a good clean, jerk, and has an incredible snatch!

Which is the most tragic Olympics story?

A gymnast walks into a bar.

I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

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Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

Why did Ponyboy Curtis and his gang refuse to visit the 2014 Winter Olympics?

Because they were in “Soc”-hi.

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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

How can you be both fast and slow at the same time?

Win the gold medal at the special Olympics.

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?

Because everyone there, who knows how to run, jump or swim is already in the US.

((Sorry my Mexican friends))

Why aren't there many North Koreans in the Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, swim, or jump is in South Korea

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who would only counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

What's the difference between the Special Olympics and the 2020 US election?

~~Everyone cheers the winners of the Special Olympics.~~

Venue.

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From “THE SMURFS OLYMPICS” by Peyo

On a bright day, a Smurf decides to go fishing. He picks up his pole but stops at the door. “Wait a minute,” he says. “When I walk through the door, Farmer Smurf will say, ‘So you’re going fishing, Smurf?’ And the Smurfs at the pond will all ask if they’re biting.’ And when I get home with no f...

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I entered the sex Olympics for team GB...

Yeah, it's a real thing you know. Anyway, I was team GB's first ever entrant in the endurance category. I trained really hard for the event and put my all in. I'm proud to say that I'm the first ever Briton to come first and last in the same event.

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

Olympic Gold medalist Picabo Street retired from sports to work in the hospital. A doctor has a patient in need of intensive care and cannot find her.

The doctor calls her station and she answers, "Picabo, ICU."

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

A guy walks through the Olympic Village

And comes across an athlete with a big stick on his shoulder.

The first guy asks "Are you a pole vaulter?"

The athlete says "No, I am a German and don't call me Walter!"

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What exercise can Olympic weightlifters still practice in the shower?

The Clean and Jerk.

Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

What do a Priest and an Olympic Silver Medalist have in common?

They both came in a little behind.

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

When the France 1924 Olympics were held...

...did they compete in Oui Sports?

If laziness was an Olympic sport...

I would be fourth so I wouldn't have to step up on the podium.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

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There's a party in the Olympic Village one night...

... and from across the room, a sprinter sees a diver talking to the most beautiful woman that he has ever laid eyes on. Later in the evening, the sprinter approaches the diver to ask about her.

"I just can't get her out of my head!" the sprinter says. "I have to sleep with her! Who is she?"<...

There should be a Olympic sport just for women

Name it “500m jump to conclusions”

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

What's better then winning gold at the para-olympic?

Walking

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

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Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

Thirty-second olympics postponed.

I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds?

What was the most practiced Olympic sport in the late 1920s?

Defenestration.

Work has already begun in preparation for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles

Mostly by ISIS

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