Athletes Jokes - 36 Hilarious Athletes Jokes

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

There’s so much debate about whether to allow Russian athletes to compete internationally

Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war’s going they’ll have a heck of a team

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

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In the Olympics, we should allow the athletes to take as many drugs as possible.

Fuck it, I want to see how high they can jump!

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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

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A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

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Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

How do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food.

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy

'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete

'Pole vault' he says

'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

Only athletes will understand this

It's a running joke.

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

Why do russian athletes die in the first Place?

Because in Soviet Russia lead is in you.

Which athletes will not get Zika at Rio 2016?

Those on Team Great Britain, because they'll leave.

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

why aren't there any Mexican athletes?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, swim or jump are already in the USA.

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Exam for athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire wi...

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

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Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."

2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.

The Malaysian athletes at the Commonwealth Games are looking very nervous

Must be thinking about the flight home already.

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

What's the difference between a Trump and an athlete?

Athletes know when to stop running.

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