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Beijing Jokes

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?

To get a breath of filtered air.

A Chinese man went to a psychiatrist in Beijing

He says "I am under a lot of stress. I feel like I am being watched. I feel like there are cameras everywhere, my phone is bugged, someone is opening my mail, and I think I am even being followed by secret police"

The psychiatrist says ". . . . And?"

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the Beijing Olympics.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 2022, Putin went to meet Xi Jinping in Beijing.

They had dinner at the Palace, and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars to discuss business.

After a little bit Xi asks Putin "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful concubine walks in to the room, kneels in ...

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

I was with my wife in a taxi in Beijing....

I was with my wife in a taxi in Beijing. It was the last day of our holiday, and she was extolling the virtues of GoogleTranslate.

"It's great," she said, just point the camera at something and it translates the text in place. And she was right - for reading menus or road signs it was a l...

Did you hear about the school that burned down in Beijing, China?

25 children died. It was truly tragic.

And the worst part is, they all got out of the building fine, but they just ran around it and then darted back inside.

The panda bears rioted in the streets of Beijing today . . .

It was pandamonium!!!

There's a building in Beijing with ten thousand shops in it.

The Great Mall of China.

Trains in China

Heard this joke in China but it probably applies in most major capital cities.

A guy from Beijing and a guy from Shanghai were talking about travelling on trains in their cities and how crowded the trains were.

The guy from Beijing says “In Beijing the trains are so crowded that the ot...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

I heard on the radio that protestors in Beijing are demanding authentic democratic reforms.

Unfortunately, all they can get is cheap Chinese knockoffs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my friends from Beijing is a huge Taylor Swift fan and asked me to suggest an album of her..

I told him to search for T.S.1989..

haven't heard from him ever since...

China is already welcoming Biden

China is already welcoming Biden.

They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.

"FOR BIDEN CITY!"

A Chinese citizen and an American citizen are arguing which country is better

The American citizen states "My country is the greatest country in the world; as an American I can go to Washington D.C., go to the White House, walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like how you are running this country!'"

The Chinese citizen la...

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I went to visit my Chinese friend in hospital

Whilst taking a selfie video with him he suddenly yelled something in Chinese then died. With no way of understanding what he meant I wondered if it was a will. I decided that I had to pass the video on to his family.
When I arrived at Beijing airport customs asked me why I was visiting. I showe...

My friends girlfriend doesn't talk to him and doesn't want to spend time with him.

I haven't seen this many red flags since the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

Last year, Taylor Swift went on a world tour called TS 1989

That must've been an awkward stop in Beijing

An American, Russian and Malaysian are having a conversation

The American says: "We have the best stealth planes ever. We can fly our B-2 stealth bomber over Beijing and the Chinese will never see."

The Russian, not willing to be out done, says "We also have good stealth planes, so stealthy like Khrushchev and very accurate. 100% not bootleg."

T...

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

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Peking Duck

A man is walking down a street, and sees a Chinese restaurant. He’s hungry, so he decides to eat there.
After being greeted, the man sits down at a table. The waiter then proceeds to ask the man what he wants to eat.
The man says, “Bring me a Peking Duck.” As the waiter starts to w...

Putin and Medvedeev talking

- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane crash in Smolensk and they tell ...

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A man walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender.

"Point out the toughest assholes in the place. I'm going to kick their asses."

The bartender looks around and notices a table in the back with four military guys sitting around it. A Marine, an Army soldier, an Air Force soldier, and a Navy sailor....

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

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