UPJOKE
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I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?

She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.

Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics?

It was dope

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the Beijing Olympics.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

Why aren't there many North Koreans in the Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, swim, or jump is in South Korea

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

Scientists now believe that the success of the Olympics depends almost entirely on the 100m dash.

They call it the critical race theory.

A woman's swim team competitor was really upset by her recent loss at the Olympics.

It was during the breast stroke competition when she came in fourth place. She complained the other women were cheating because they were using their arms.

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

What do you call an ape that wins at the Olympics?

A Chimpion!

Why does mexico never win the olympics?

Because everybody there who can run, jump or swim is already in the US

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Japan not host the original Olympics?

Cos they always blur out the best parts.

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Hear about the blonde who won a gold medal in the Olympics?

She had it bronzed.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

I just competed in the suntanning olympics

but I only got bronze.

Which is the most tragic Olympics story?

A gymnast walks into a bar.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

Why did Ponyboy Curtis and his gang refuse to visit the 2014 Winter Olympics?

Because they were in “Soc”-hi.

What's the difference between the Special Olympics and the 2020 US election?

~~Everyone cheers the winners of the Special Olympics.~~

Venue.

What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Lynn's nurse at the vaccination centre recently qualified for a sport in the Tokyo Olympics. What sport is it?

Javelin

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

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I entered the sex Olympics for team GB...

Yeah, it's a real thing you know. Anyway, I was team GB's first ever entrant in the endurance category. I trained really hard for the event and put my all in. I'm proud to say that I'm the first ever Briton to come first and last in the same event.

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

When the France 1924 Olympics were held...

...did they compete in Oui Sports?

Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

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Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is...

Thirty-second olympics postponed.

I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds?

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?

You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.

How can you be both fast and slow at the same time?

Win the gold medal at the special Olympics.

Why is it a bad idea for Bangkok to hold the Olympics?

Because all of the events will end with Thais.

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

Why don't procrastinators make it to the Olympics?

Because they only allow amateurcrastinators.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend announced that he's going to compete in the sex Olympics this year.

He's competing in the bi-athlon.

Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can jump

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

We learned today that Trump blocked a proposed budget change that would have eliminated finding for the Special Olympics.

He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

Tokyo 2020 Olympics would be the longest Olympics we'll ever witness.

Imagine having to go through every athlete's story arc complete with motivational flashbacks and training montages. Plus there will be people on the bench discussing the play-by-play.

Why has Africa never won gold at the olympics?

Because Africa isn't a country.


Geez man, no need to be racist.

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