Olympics Jokes

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

You snooze, You lose

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

because they practice at the best schools

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.

A gymnast walks into a bar.

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g... read more

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

but I only got bronze.

I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

Karl Marx had a sister named Onya that was an Olympic athlete. She is still honored today, her name is invoked at the start of every foot race.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Why is mexico never winning in the olympics

Because everybody who can already jump, swim and run are in the us.

It gets you medals

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

So I heard there was a Bi-athlon event, how many men and women do I need to sleep with to qualify?

It was dope

You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.

To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.

If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bri... read more

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

See you at the Gabba mate.

A Chimpion!

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

...did they compete in Oui Sports?

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

Because he was Snow'den.

Somersalts

She had it bronzed.

They call it the critical race theory.

Because they only allow amateurcrastinators.

They gave him the Prawns Medal

It was during the breast stroke competition when she came in fourth place. She complained the other women were cheating because they were using their arms.

"O!"—applause.

"O!"—more applause.

"O!"—yet more applause.

"O!"—an ovation.

"O!!!"—the whole audience stands up and applauds.

An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, those are the olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"

Donald Trump is opening the Olympic Games and has to read a speech.

"Oh" he says. "Oh, oh, oh ..."

An aide nudges him, "Mr. Trump, stop," he says. "You're reading the Olympic symbol."

Discuss:

There's already been a wrist injury, but I should be ok by tomorrow.

A young journalist walked up to a track and field athlete who was warming up for his event to get an interview.

Not entirely sure of the athlete's discipline he asks, "Are you a polevaulter?"

The athlete replied, "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

Then I realised it was just a trickallure.

Talk about kicking someone when they’re Downs

3st place.

Me neither

Because Africa isn't a country.


Geez man, no need to be racist.

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th... read more