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Olympics Jokes

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

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Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics?

She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.

What's the main rule of the Insomnia Olympics?

You snooze, You lose

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Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is...

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

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Theres a wrestler training for the Olympic games.

Trainer trained him hard. Ran 10 miles a day. The day of the Olympics came and he was in amazing physical condition. First guy he had to fight was a German. He beat him. Next was an Australian beat him, the French beat them.

Last guy he had to fight was a great big hairy Russian. The co...

An interesting fact about karl marx and Olympics

Karl Marx had a sister named Onya that was an Olympic athlete. She is still honored today, her name is invoked at the start of every foot race.

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

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In the Olympics, we should allow the athletes to take as many drugs as possible.

Fuck it, I want to see how high they can jump!

I just competed in the suntanning olympics

but I only got bronze.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

Which is the most tragic Olympics story?

A gymnast walks into a bar.

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

Mexican olympics

Why is mexico never winning in the olympics

Because everybody who can already jump, swim and run are in the us.

Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics?

It was dope

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the Beijing Olympics.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

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Why did Japan not host the original Olympics?

Cos they always blur out the best parts.

Thirty-second olympics postponed.

I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds?

Olympics

So I heard there was a Bi-athlon event, how many men and women do I need to sleep with to qualify?

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

What did one Olympics aspirant said to other?

See you at the Gabba mate.

What do the Special Olympics and a hand job have in common?

You appreciate the effort but you could do it better.

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I entered the sex Olympics for team GB...

Yeah, it's a real thing you know. Anyway, I was team GB's first ever entrant in the endurance category. I trained really hard for the event and put my all in. I'm proud to say that I'm the first ever Briton to come first and last in the same event.

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

What do you call an ape that wins at the Olympics?

A Chimpion!

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common?

Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren't qualified.

When the France 1924 Olympics were held...

...did they compete in Oui Sports?

My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

Olympics Ticket

To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.

If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bri...

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Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?

Because he was Snow'den.

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Hear about the blonde who won a gold medal in the Olympics?

She had it bronzed.

Scientists now believe that the success of the Olympics depends almost entirely on the 100m dash.

They call it the critical race theory.

Why don't procrastinators make it to the Olympics?

Because they only allow amateurcrastinators.

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

Trump at the Olympics

Donald Trump is opening the Olympic Games and has to read a speech.

"Oh" he says. "Oh, oh, oh ..."

An aide nudges him, "Mr. Trump, stop," he says. "You're reading the Olympic symbol."

Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

A woman's swim team competitor was really upset by her recent loss at the Olympics.

It was during the breast stroke competition when she came in fourth place. She complained the other women were cheating because they were using their arms.

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech.

"O!"—applause.

"O!"—more applause.

"O!"—yet more applause.

"O!"—an ovation.

"O!!!"—the whole audience stands up and applauds.

An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, those are the olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"

Why has Africa never won gold at the olympics?

Because Africa isn't a country.


Geez man, no need to be racist.

Confusion reigns at the Olympics

A young journalist walked up to a track and field athlete who was warming up for his event to get an interview.

Not entirely sure of the athlete's discipline he asks, "Are you a polevaulter?"

The athlete replied, "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

Watching the olympics women beach volleyball first round...

There's already been a wrist injury, but I should be ok by tomorrow.

I felt a really strong desire to support France in these Olympics, just based on the design of their flag.

Then I realised it was just a trickallure.

Betsy Devos wants to defund the Special Olympics

Talk about kicking someone when they’re Downs

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

Have you heard about the Olympics in 2020?

Me neither

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

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