Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

What do you call an ape that wins at the Olympics?

A Chimpion!

At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.

"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"

"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"

If the Olympics ever added pinball...

I'd put my money on the Deaf, Dumb and Blind Kid.

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

Being Asian at the Olympics

Child: Wins Bronze

Parent: Could have won silver


Child: Wins Silver

Parent: Could have won gold


Child: Wins Gold

Parent: Could have broken the World Record (WR)


Child: Broke WR

Parent: Could have been a Doctor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Japan not host the original Olympics?

Cos they always blur out the best parts.

Hear about the blonde who won a gold medal in the Olympics?

She had it bronzed.

I just competed in the suntanning olympics

but I only got bronze.

Why aren't there many North Koreans in the Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, swim, or jump is in South Korea

What did one Olympics aspirant said to other?

See you at the Gabba mate.

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Why did Ponyboy Curtis and his gang refuse to visit the 2014 Winter Olympics?

Because they were in “Soc”-hi.

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

Why does Mexico never win the Olympics?

Because everyone there, who knows how to run, jump or swim is already in the US.

((Sorry my Mexican friends))

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Which is the most tragic Olympics story?

A gymnast walks into a bar.

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From “THE SMURFS OLYMPICS” by Peyo

On a bright day, a Smurf decides to go fishing. He picks up his pole but stops at the door. “Wait a minute,” he says. “When I walk through the door, Farmer Smurf will say, ‘So you’re going fishing, Smurf?’ And the Smurfs at the pond will all ask if they’re biting.’ And when I get home with no f...

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologsied to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

What's the difference between the Special Olympics and the 2020 US election?

~~Everyone cheers the winners of the Special Olympics.~~

Venue.

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

At the Olympics, a guy walks past a group of spectators, carrying a long pole.

One of the onlookers says to the guy, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The guy responds, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered the sex Olympics for team GB...

Yeah, it's a real thing you know. Anyway, I was team GB's first ever entrant in the endurance category. I trained really hard for the event and put my all in. I'm proud to say that I'm the first ever Briton to come first and last in the same event.

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

When the France 1924 Olympics were held...

...did they compete in Oui Sports?

Why is it a bad idea for Bangkok to hold the Olympics?

Because all of the events will end with Thais.

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

Question 1: What is the round thing they throw in the Olympics?

Discuss:

Thirty-second olympics postponed.

I didn’t realise there were that many sports you could do in thirty seconds?

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

I was really close to eating in the cafeteria at the Olympics.

Too bad I fell right at the Finnish line.

Why don't procrastinators make it to the Olympics?

Because they only allow amateurcrastinators.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend announced that he's going to compete in the sex Olympics this year.

He's competing in the bi-athlon.

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

Why did Donald Trump watch the Olympics ?

To see how tall the Mexicans can pole vault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the Porn Olympics?

There's supposed to be some stiff competition this year.

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

Have you heard about the Olympics in 2020?

Me neither

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

Trump says that the Special Olympics will still be funded despite DeVos' plan.

This is presumably so Eric and Don Jr can still compete.

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

Why do they have changing rooms in the Special Olympics?

Because vegetables are better with dressing.

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