An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Discount War Medals (True Story)

Once I saw an article about how a person found a Purple Heart in a Goodwill store. They then bought it and tried to locate the family where it came from so they could return it to whomever it belonged.

But I commented on it saying “Wow they found a Purple Heart at Goodwill, that’s is a steal!...

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you u...

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.

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Irish Prostitute

An old man goes up to a prostitute in Dublin. He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two All Ireland Championship medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening ...

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

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I told my wife I was going to give her gold-medal sex.

She said, "Just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?"

How did the Scarecrow win so many medals?

He was out standing in his field.

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

Boudreaux won the gold medal in Olympic pirogue racing

His mama was so proud she had it bronzed.

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

A donkey and a horse met in a bar

After talking for a few minutes they decided to go to the horse's house. When they arrived the donkey noticed that the horse had a lot of trophies and medals all across the walls, he asked him:

"Where did you get all of this things?"

"I am a race horse, I won them", the horse replied.<...

A North Korean general is to undergo surgery

"His heart again?", asks the doctor

"No, chest expansion surgery, to make room for one more Gold medal"

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

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After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

What kind of medal would Santa Claus win?

A Noel Prize

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

They say they ‘give’ medals for valour

But mine cost an arm and a leg.

My wife is like an Olympic silver medal skier.

She only goes down once every four years, and never finishes first.

Do you know, what is better than winning a gold medal in Paralympics?

Legs.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

What Olympic country is projected to win the most medals?

Finland. They always Finnish.

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?

Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

Its hilariously ironic that the first gold medal won was by the U.S...

For Shooting

A man returned after a 3 week

business trip to Brasil. He was there during the 2016 Olympic Games, and bought lots of souvenirs for the whole family.

Night came and the kids went to bed. His wife asked what do you got in that last box? “Come here, come closer I’ll show you.” There were three medals, bronze, silver and go...

Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?

Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unfortunately my girlfriend gave my sex life a silver medal...

But she didn't seem to mind me coming 2nd

A Brazilian got the first gold medal

The police are already after him.

Michael Phelps won his 21st olympic gold medal.

You could say he's swimming in them!

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My team got silver medal in the sex Olympics.

We would have got gold but I came first in the orgy.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
...

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

Why has the pope never won a gold medal?

Because he always came in a little behind.

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

There's some guy handing out awards to couples that cheat.

He's medaling in other people’s affairs.

Weather

My wife asked me for the weather to come in 30 minutes.

I asked Officer Rudolph, wearing his medal on a red ribbon.

"Definitely raining." He said.

See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

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An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."

"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, in...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

I was arrested for my plot to steal all the precious metals from the Olympics.

I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those medalling kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

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A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

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What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage conference, Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse. MEN. Can you name and describe your ...

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3 surgeons walk into a pub...

...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England."

The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in a...

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a conc...

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

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