UPJOKE
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What's better than a Gold medal at the Paralympics

Two legs

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Why did the poo have a bronze medal?

Because it was in turd place.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasnโ€™t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

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My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.

To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Hear about the blonde who won a gold medal in the Olympics?

She had it bronzed.

There is a running joke among marathon runners ...

... that has even won some medals.

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the Generalโ€™s office.

โ€œSince we werenโ€™t actuall...

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

Did you hear about a chickpea who died saving his friend in the war?

He received a posthummus medal.

I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct.

Turns out it was a piece of cake.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, theyโ€™re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

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I told my wife I was going to give her gold-medal sex.

She said, "Just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?"

Discount War Medals (True Story)

Once I saw an article about how a person found a Purple Heart in a Goodwill store. They then bought it and tried to locate the family where it came from so they could return it to whomever it belonged.

But I commented on it saying โ€œWow they found a Purple Heart at Goodwill, thatโ€™s is a steal!...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

โ€œDon't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

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After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

How did the Scarecrow win so many medals?

He was out standing in his field.

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workinโ€™ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya donโ€™t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I received a medal for achievement in psychiatry. I wear it proudly.

Itโ€™s ornamental.

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

What kind of medal would Santa Claus win?

A Noel Prize

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

They say they โ€˜giveโ€™ medals for valour

But mine cost an arm and a leg.

My wife is like an Olympic silver medal skier.

She only goes down once every four years, and never finishes first.

Its hilariously ironic that the first gold medal won was by the U.S...

For Shooting

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?

Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?

Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

How can you be both fast and slow at the same time?

Win the gold medal at the special Olympics.

A Brazilian got the first gold medal

The police are already after him.

Michael Phelps won his 21st olympic gold medal.

You could say he's swimming in them!

How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal?

handsfree

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Unfortunately my girlfriend gave my sex life a silver medal...

But she didn't seem to mind me coming 2nd

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

What Olympic country is projected to win the most medals?

Finland. They always Finnish.

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

Why has the pope never won a gold medal?

Because he always came in a little behind.

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

โ€œIโ€™m here to enlist!โ€

โ€œYou canโ€™t enlist, youโ€™re just an arm!โ€

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeantโ€™s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Irish Prostitute

An old man goes up to a prostitute in Dublin. He says โ€œhow much do you charge?โ€. She says โ€œโ‚ฌ150โ€. He replies โ€œIโ€™ve got no money, all I have is these two All Ireland Championship medals I won in the 60โ€™sโ€. She says โ€œthatโ€™ll doโ€, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening ...

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

A man bought an olympic condom pack

Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom pack
Wife: huh, what is that
Husband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.
Wife: Nah use the silver one.
Husband: Why?
Wife: You should come second for a change

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My grandfather was complaining yesterday: โ€œyour generation is so fragile with your participation awardsโ€...

says the guy who lost the war and still wears medals

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