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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Why does the Philippines only have one Olympic gold medal in thier history so far?

Cause there is no Olympic competition for karaoke.

Hear about the blonde who won a gold medal in the Olympics?

She had it bronzed.

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Discount War Medals (True Story)

Once I saw an article about how a person found a Purple Heart in a Goodwill store. They then bought it and tried to locate the family where it came from so they could return it to whomever it belonged.

But I commented on it saying “Wow they found a Purple Heart at Goodwill, that’s is a steal!...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

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Olympian

An old man goes up to a prostitute. He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening another old man approa...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct.

Turns out it was a piece of cake.

Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.

I won a medal at the gym for being most excitable during muscletraining

I'm really proud of my hyper-trophy

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

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I told my wife I was going to give her gold-medal sex.

She said, "Just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?"

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

How did the Scarecrow win so many medals?

He was out standing in his field.

A man bought an olympic condom pack

Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom pack
Wife: huh, what is that
Husband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.
Wife: Nah use the silver one.
Husband: Why?
Wife: You should come second for a change

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

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My grandfather was complaining yesterday: “your generation is so fragile with your participation awards”...

says the guy who lost the war and still wears medals

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

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After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

What kind of medal would Santa Claus win?

A Noel Prize

The Russian Covid Vaccine Sputnik is 91.6% effective

It's also the only Covid vaccine that will help you win an Olympic medal.

They say they ‘give’ medals for valour

But mine cost an arm and a leg.

My wife is like an Olympic silver medal skier.

She only goes down once every four years, and never finishes first.

Do you know, what is better than winning a gold medal in Paralympics?

Legs.

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?

Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

What Olympic country is projected to win the most medals?

Finland. They always Finnish.

Its hilariously ironic that the first gold medal won was by the U.S...

For Shooting

Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?

Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.

A Brazilian got the first gold medal

The police are already after him.

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Unfortunately my girlfriend gave my sex life a silver medal...

But she didn't seem to mind me coming 2nd

Michael Phelps won his 21st olympic gold medal.

You could say he's swimming in them!

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My team got silver medal in the sex Olympics.

We would have got gold but I came first in the orgy.

How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal?

handsfree

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

A donkey and a horse met in a bar

After talking for a few minutes they decided to go to the horse's house. When they arrived the donkey noticed that the horse had a lot of trophies and medals all across the walls, he asked him:

"Where did you get all of this things?"

"I am a race horse, I won them", the horse replied.<...

A North Korean general is to undergo surgery

"His heart again?", asks the doctor

"No, chest expansion surgery, to make room for one more Gold medal"

Why has the pope never won a gold medal?

Because he always came in a little behind.

I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal

A man returned after a 3 week

business trip to Brasil. He was there during the 2016 Olympic Games, and bought lots of souvenirs for the whole family.

Night came and the kids went to bed. His wife asked what do you got in that last box? “Come here, come closer I’ll show you.” There were three medals, bronze, silver and go...

There's some guy handing out awards to couples that cheat.

He's medaling in other people’s affairs.

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

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